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Internet Oracularities #655

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655, 655-01, 655-02, 655-03, 655-04, 655-05, 655-06, 655-07, 655-08, 655-09, 655-10


Usenet Oracularities #655    (75 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 1994 15:34:21 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   655
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

655   75 votes 8hri5 7oqe4 cqq83 9mmi4 klgd5 9bimf 48hpl bmgce 9ati9 6lhkb
655   3.0 mean  2.9   2.8   2.5   2.8   2.5   3.3   3.7   2.9   3.1   3.1


655-01    (8hri5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose nanoseconds count for more than my aeons,
>
> When people around here want to count seconds without benefit of
> mechanical aids, they generally intone something like
> "One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi", and so on.
>
> It strikes me that this particular usage is probably restricted to
> the American culture.
>
> How do they count seconds in other parts of the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seconds are only used in the United States and Burma, which have not
} converted to the metric system yet.  Everywhere else in the world, time
} is measured in centidays, which are counted "ONE 99 bottles of beer on
} the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles
} of beer on the wall, ... [until we reach] ..., zero bottles of beer on
} the wall, etc. ... TWO 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of
} beer..." When you reach the end of the tenth go-round, a day has
} passed.


655-02    (7oqe4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does Caroline love Dave? And vice versa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Caroline does love Dave, at least she thinks she does, until she
} meets Mark.  Dave loves Caroline, but was seduced by her identical
} twin sister, Evangeline.  Mark is dating Evangeline, but discovers
} that he is really gay when he meets Dave for the first time, and
} falls wildly in love.  When Dave discovers that Caroline has been
} flirting with Mark behind his back, he becomes terribly depressed and
} kills himself in his basement workshop with his power tools.  Mark,
} on discovering the horribly mutilated body of the man he secretly
} loved, also becomes depressed and crashes his car into a crowd of
} school children milling around a liquid hydrogen truck.  He is killed
} instantly in the ensuing explosion.  Caroline, when told that the man
} who loved her and man she loved are both dead, becomes manically
} depressed, and impales herself on a steak knife.  Evangeline lives
} happily ever after.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bar of soap and tickets to the opera.


655-03    (cqq83 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The other day I wanted to give an elaborate banquet
> for my friends, so I got together, at great expense, a
> selection of wonderful foods from all around the
> world. I had Roquefort cheese from France and
> Bratwurst from Germany, Slivovitz from Croatia and
> Chevapchichi from Serbia, Barolo from Italy, goat
> cheese from Albania, Indian squash, Boston baked
> beans, Georgia peaches, Russian caviar, Sake from
> Japan, kim chee from Korea, and --
>
> well, I won't bore you with a complete list, I'll just
> summarize by saying I had stuff imported from all
> around the globe.
>
> I set up the banquet, locked the door, and greeted my
> guests. When I unlocked the door to usher everyone in,
> Oh my gosh, what a mess! I am glad that no possible
> combination of words could describe the mess, for I
> might then be foolish enough to attempt it; but I can
> say it looked like someone had had a food fight! Only,
> there was nobody in the room, no other entrance, and I
> had the only key!
>
> O Oracle, whose appetite for knowledge transcends all
> national boundaries, tell me, Oh please tell me,
>
> Why can't we all just get along?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Could you please tell the Oracle where you got that superb bratwurst?
} Oh yes, next time forget the Roquefort, the Oracle doesn't like cheese.
}
} And one other tip: Never leave your cats alone in a room full of food.
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of French Wine to flush away that delicious
} meal. Great cooking! We had a wonderfull time.


655-04    (9mmi4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@romulus.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the military so gung ho on not letting certain people serve
> their country? Sir!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle will ignore your glaring error of implicating military
} service as the only method of serving one's country.  Why, what about
} all those "billions and billions" served at McDonald's?
}
} Now, to answer your intended question, I have one word: aesthetics.
}
} The military can only function if there is an extreme lack of them.
} The unhappy soldier is the soldier who will kill the enemy, 'cause
} he's just pissed off at life and in a generally bad mood.  This is,
} by the way, the reason they have finally decided to let women into
} combat - but only one week every 28 days.
}
} Witness the uniforms - subdued, often drab colors.  Spartan living
} quarters. Culinary nightmares in the mess halls.  Unimaginative
} martial music.  Marching in straight, uninspired columns and lines.
} The *last* thing they want is to have folks start "sprucing things
} up", and making the best of a bad situation.  Why, then those killer
} tendencies might give way to creativity, expression, and general
} good taste.  It's just damn hard to feel like killing people when
} your "joie de vivre" is all stirred up.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date and two tickets to "La Cage"...


655-05    (klgd5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Welcome back to the Western Open here on NBC sports.
>   The 12th hole runs straight through the throne
> chamber of The Usenet Oracle.  Viewers may be
> interested to know that the Oracle is so grand and
>  we are so miniscule that we will be ignored
> completely.  Lee Trevino was scheduled to be next
>  but his cellular phone rang one time too many and
> he was killed by a set of grumpy ninjas hiding
> behind a shrub.
>
> Next up is Bob Smith and his mascott Woodchuck Woody.
> He sets down the woodchuck and readies his driver.
>
> Oh too bad, he sliced it, out of bounds, right in
> between two of the Oracle's toes.
>
> "Not to worry," says Bob, "Woody here is trained to
> locate lost balls".
>
> With that the woodchuck speeds off toward the Usenet
> Oracle. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} who <<ZOT>>s it immediately, as the Oracle can recognize a
} w**dch*ck question no matter how cleverly it is disguised.


655-06    (9bimf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Or-cle, whose name I am not fit to mention, please
> deign to listen to my question -- it is of minor importance to you, but
> my life hangs in the balance.
>
> The last few days I have been getting more and more tired.  Right now
> it is 1:30 in the afternoon, and yet I am ready to go to bed.  This is
> clearly not a good thing, and I am baffled as to why I am suddenly
> without energy.  Could it be related to the fact that I have spent the
> last few nights staying up until 4am with my girlfriend?
>
> Sincerely, (yawn),
> A. Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being the wise and omnipotent Oracle, I have never personally
} encountered this phenomenon. However, those in my Priesthood who have
} suffered their vows of chastity with a wink and a nod inform me that
} these guidelines may help:
}
} * If your lover is waving a white flag (feebly) or has errogenous zones
}   that are actually emitting light, you may want to ease up a bit.
}
} * If the aforementioned zone is glowing brightly and you just can't
}   bring yourself to stop, wear sunglasses to afford some protection to
}   your eyes.
}
} * If you or your lover has a climax so loudly that 911 calls *you*,
}   take at least 30 minutes to recuperate.
}
} * Condoms may also be blown up and tied into many interesting animal
}   forms between encounters, but never while in use, please.
}
} And finally, if you find that you habitually smoke after good sex,
} consider using a lubricant. Or at lest doing it a bit more slowly.
}
} You owe the Oracle the phone number of your girlfriend's sister, or one
} condom-sculpture in the shape of a Pterodactyl.


655-07    (48hpl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Powerful Oracle, why do puns have such a bad reputation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A good question...  In fact I believe it may be the first time I've
} ever been asked that.  Which reminds me of some other "firsts":
}
} January 13, 1910: the first Army dental unit was formed.  They had a
} good drill team.
}
} January 16, 1919: the first elevator company opened.  It had its ups
} and downs.
}
} January 29, 1931: the first human cannonball was hired by a circus.  He
} was fired.  Then they hired someone of higher caliber.
}
} February 8, 1895: the steam iron was invented.  It solved some pressing
} problems.
}
} February 9, 1865: the coffee grinder was invented, and gave us grounds
} for celebration.
}
} February 11, 1911: the first art contest was held.  Winners were
} selected by a drawing.
}
} March 20, 1889: the patent was granted for the sewing machine.  It left
} everyone in stitches.
}
} March 30, 1866: dynamite was first made, and the company did a booming
} business.
}
} April 15, 1930: the first credit card was issued.  People got a charge
} out of it.
}
} June 2, 1949: calculators were first used.  They were so successful
} that adding machines began to multiply.
}
} June 29, 1941: the circuit breaker was invented.  A lot of people
} re-fused to use it.
}
} August 16, 1918: illuminated helmets were first made for miners.  It
} made them feel light headed.
}
} December 7, 1890: popcorn was invented by an Army colonel.
}
} December 20, 1900: the thermometer was invented by a man with many
} degrees.
}
} But enough reminiscing, as my proctologist says "Let's get to the
} bottom of this."  Puns are often frowned upon because they're so badly
} over used, and also because some people use one pun after another.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new watch for his timely response.


655-08    (bmgce dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ah, most wondrous Oracle,  whose enormous
> Brain is much larger  than even the least
> Challenged human.  Yes, Oracle whose most
> Dreary  moment of being  would terminally
> Excite even  the most adventurous  of our
> Favorite superheros.  Usenet Oracle whose
> Glands  secrete juices the likes of which
> Have only been speculated at  by the most
> Industrious  of human  scientists.  It is
> Just impossible to explain the so awesome
> Kindness  you show paltry  supplicants by
> Lowering yourself to  reply to  questions
> Men and women alike bring to you in their
> Naive search for the knowledge and wisdom
> Of your mighty existence that can end our
> Pondering once and for all.  Great Oracle
> Quiets our worries and kindly helps us to
> Recover from our troubles. I, your humble
> Supplicant, come before your greatness in
> The hopes of satisfying my need.  Please,
> Usenet Oracle,  who knows  alphabetically
> Very much more than poor humans can  deal
> With and can explain, in order, more than
> X-Wives claim to know, even. Oracle, will
> You please answer this question without a
> Zot: Tell me EVERYTHING there is, Master.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everything there is, without a zot:
}
} ants,apples,aardvarks,antimony,simony,ab
} aci,abal       one   ,ana      basi  s,a
} pricots  ,an  al  y  sts ,  a ncho  vies
} ,anger ,bi  va  lve  s,bi  cycles  ,bigo
} ts,bisho  ps,  roo  ks,c  rooks,  pawns,
} spawn,  da w  n,b  ooks  ,cooks  ,angels
} ,ang  le  s,  s  axoph  ones,sex,art,win
} e,       wom   en,so    ng,se  x,drugs,r
} ockandroll,sex,knights,queens,squares,an
} dsomuchmoreIcannotbegintosayitallhere!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a cryptic crossword.


655-09    (9ati9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Eliot's strength is not so much in his subject matter as in the highly
> original way in which he deals with it."
>
> Discuss with detailed references to any of the poems below:
>
> The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock
> Portrait Of A Lady
> Rhapsody On A Windy Night
> Preludes
> Journey Of The Magi

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <BEEP> You have reached the Allmighty USENET Oracle. The Oracle is not
} in at the moment, but an automated answering service has been provided
} for YOUR convinence.
}
} Please press '1#' for the answer to 'What is the meaning of life?'
}
} Please press '2#' for the answer to 'How much wood...'
}
} Please press '3#' for the answer to....
} ...
}
} <Several hours later>
}
} Please press '4126536253#' for a discussion of Eliot's poems
}
} <Supplicant: Whew. At last. *BeepBeepBeBeepBeepBeep*>
}
} Thank you. You have pressed '4136536253#' for the answer to 'Why is my
} umbrella so small?' Here is your answer:
}
} <Supplicant: What the...?>
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Why is my umbrella so small?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } I'm glad you asked this. To answer this, we must go back in time to
} } 1847, and pay a visit to mr. Alosiys Umbrella, the inventor of
}
} <Supplicant: No! That wasn't my question! I wanted Eliot!
}  *BeeepBepBeepBebep*>
}
} Thank you. You have pressed '8823789QZXPY#' for the answer to 'Why can't
} I have my nose on the back of my head instead of in front?' Here is your
} answer:
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Why can't I have my nose on the back of my head instead of in front?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Well, you see the nasal structure of humans is a very interesting
}
} <Supplicant: AAAAARGH! *click*>
}
} <Oracle: Phew. I thought he'd never hang up.>


655-10    (6lhkb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh fount of knowledge, how doth one know when
> a woman friend containeth feelings for her man
> friend but cannot expresseth them in the proper
> manner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The frying pan is a dead giveaway.


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