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Internet Oracularities #656

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Usenet Oracularities #656    (69 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 16 Jun 1994 14:02:21 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   656
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

656   69 votes 5dkr4 6pq75 3cql7 fqgc0 2duf9 39fll 5cinb ku973 5dofc 1drk8
656   3.0 mean  3.2   2.7   3.2   2.4   3.2   3.7   3.3   2.2   3.2   3.3


656-01    (5dkr4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                      Frequently Unanswered Questions
} ...
}
} 37. "Why?"
}
}     Every year, the Oracle receives over two dozen "Why?" questions
}     from bored grad students and unimaginative new net users.  "Why?"
}     is likely left unanswered for one of the following reasons.
}
}     1. "It's none of your business why."
}     2. Your "Why?" question likely did not contain sufficient cringing
}        and scraping to impress the Oracle.  Grovel harder next time.
}     3. "Because."  (The ANSI committee in 1992 abolished this reason
}        for not answering "Why?".  Oracle, however, supports "Because"
}        for backward compatibility with older, less-flexible supplicants.
}     4. It uses valuable resources.  While the Oracle ponders your
}        trivial "Why?", a decent, groveling supplicant, whose very life
}        may depend on the Oracle's prompt attention, is left hanging.
}     5. You are simply annoying the Oracle.  ZOT!
} ...


656-02    (6pq75 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle who helps the working stiffs as much the students,
> please tell me.
>
> Why is it that American companies give only two weeks annual vacation
> while European employees get six weeks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle quotes a Merrill-Lynch-Pierce-Fenner & Smith
} Unilaterally-Holistic Vacation-Futures Prospectus currently available
} in the UK:
}
} ....now is the time for Europeans to vacation while the falling
} American vacation is suffering from the sluggish economic wake-up.
} Trading against bi-annually averaged Euro-vacation days, the American
} vacation is down almost a week-and-a-half over a full fiscal year.
} This contrasts with the rapid rise in the American vacation day against
} the Japanese vacation day.  All the Japanese will have left is the
} yen.........to travel.   French Travel Minister, Toulouse Bowelle,
} reports that the Euro vacation is on the rise, and by next summer the
} French vacation will be two weeks 3 days and seven hours against a mere
} American fortnight.  M. Bowelle ended his report by recommending that
} Americans shore up their faltering travel plans by staying at
} EuroDisney, where a mere two weeks seems like an eternity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a T-shirt that says, "Welcome to France - Now Go
} Home !"


656-03    (3cql7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There is a lot of air in my dustbin.  Do I throw that away too ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Holy moly supplicant! This is the 90s in case you hadn't noticed!
} People all over the world are waking up to the importance of recycling.
} Conservation of nonrenewable resources is vital should your species
} expect to survive the next millenium. (It won't BTW, but that's not the
} point).
}
} First world countries such as America (which consumes 34% of the
} world's air supplies despite having only 4% of the world's lung surface
} area) have wantonly wasted air at a rate which, if not slowed, will
} exhaust the earth's air supplies within 50 years. An example is the
} French artiste "Le Petomaine" who would use gallons of air per hour in
} his act.
}
} Current high air prices is also a danger to the last few unspoiled
} places on earth. Canadian prospectors have discovered huge tracts of
} air above the Antarctic ice shelf, and pressure is mounting from
} commercial interests interested in exploiting this area for profit.
}
} In response ecological groups have started air recycling centres. The
} idea is that you separate all the air from your glass, plastic, and
} organic waste, package it safely, and take it to a local conservation
} centre. Waste air is collected centrally, melted down, and purified to
} make it almost indistinguishable from naturally mined air. Further
} ecological savings can be made by only buying unbleached air.
}
} Remember supplicant, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of
} the problem.
}
} You owe The Oracle 5 truckloads of activated carbon filters and an
} underground bunker.


656-04    (fqgc0 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is wiser: Curley or Moe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The contestants, Curley, Larry and Moe, wait for the final, decisive
} question...
}
} QuizMaster: "Who is wiser: Curley or Moe?"
}
} [simultaniously]
}
} Curley: "Moe"
} Moe: "Curley"
} Larry: "Preston Manning"
}
} [loud applause ensues.  the crowd rushes up to congratulate Larry,
}  while Curley and Moe spend some time poking each other in the eyes,
}  hitting one another over the head, etc...]
}
} You owe the Oracle a question that can be realistically answered
} "Larry", like "who was the 8th president of the United States" or
} "what is the name of the garbage person's golden retriever".  Sheesh.


656-05    (2duf9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who never errs, but whose priests do,
>
> A long time ago, I had an entry in the Oracularities which appeared
> twice in the same issue, thanks to a Priest's clerical mistake;
> maybe two mistakes, the first being to choose it at all, since it
> wasn't very good.
>
> At that time, the Oracularities didn't include the voting results of
> earlier issues; recently, I discovered that I could get the results
> by asking your mailserver to send oracle/votes.
>
> Looking through the old results, I found the following:
>
>     467-06 e5211 1.7
>     467-07 38230 2.1
>
> Exactly the same Question with exactly the same Answer, but two very
> different results!
>
> I have a few hypotheses about why the votes were different, but I
> feel I need more data to properly understand the phenomenon.
>
> In order to advance the cause of human knowledge, please order the
> Priest who reviews this to select this Question, and your Answer,
> many times, so that the same exchange will appear ten times in one
> issue of the Oracularities, so that I can study the resulting voting
> patterns.
>
> Oh. That's not a question. Ummm,
>
> If pigs had wings they could fly, so since they have flies why can't
> they just wing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your Oracularity being chosen more than once was no mistake. In fact
} the Priest's intention was to select it 10 times, but her computer
} crashed in fits of digitised laughter.
}
} You know how it is when you buy a new CD, often you don't like it the
} first time you listen to it, but it grows on you. It's often the
} truly brilliant albums that require this "growing" process. The
} same thing happends with jokes.
}
} Had the priest being using a Cray XMP with the capacity to chuckle
} 15 million times a second (15 GIGACHUCKS) rather than a hacked Super
} Nintendo games console, the voting results for your joke would have
} been:
}
} 467-06 e5211 1.7
} 467-07 38230 2.1
} 467-08 02a72 3.5
} 467-09 02a72 3.5
} 467-10 002a9 4.1
} 468-01 0002f 4.9
} 468-02 0000F 5.0
} 468-03 0000Z 5.9
} 468-04 0000? 17.8
} 468-05 000000000000000F 268,009.1
}
} The Oracle regrets any inconvenience caused by our previous technical
} difficulties and hopes that you will continue to use this service.
}
} Now, for your new question:
}
} "If pigs had wings they could fly, so since they have flies why can't
}  they just wing it?"
}
} That's easy, if you just look at the front of your trousers
} #$#$(*%#$%#&*&$# CRAY XMP PERFORMANCE EXCEPTION.... SYSTEM GOING DOWN


656-06    (39fll dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh benevolent Oracle, I humbly beg you answer me this:
> Why can't I ever get a straight answer from anyone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    What do you mean?


656-07    (5cinb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what was a freudian slip called before freud was born?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Freudian Slips" are a disease like Repetitive Strain Injury",
} invented by trendy pinko-leftist liberal commie-loving welfare
} pushing socialist-voting academics to explain nothing at all.
} Here are the top ten diseases that will be similarly "discovered"
} in the next three years.
}
}     Disease                            True Nature of Syndrome
}     -------                            -----------------------
} 10) Organic Matter Disfigurement       Doesn't wash
}  9) Time Dilation Disorder             Tends to miss train/buses
}  8) Nixon's Disease                    Dishonest
}  7) Involuntary Excitement Syndrome    Horny
}  6) Conciousness Deprivation Syndrome  Oversleeps
}  5) Quayle's Disease                   Stupid
}  4) Reality Uptake Disorder            Absent-minded
}  3) Pile of Ashes Syndrome             Fails to grovel
}  2) Hand-Movement Attention Deficit    Scratches crotch in public
}
} And the number one fashion disease will be (drum roll)
}
}  1) Excessive Organisation Disease     Makes top 10 lists
}
} Please Sir! You owe The Oracle another bowl of cruel.


656-08    (ku973 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest oracle
>
> Why is beer so expensive when it is about 95% water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gosh, You must not have tried Natural light.  Cheap beer has the same
} amount of Booze in it, and tastes more and more like the water you are
} paying for.


656-09    (5dofc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle wise and true I beseech you to hear my lament.
>
> Ok here we go
> Theres this girl you see, call her C, and I'm rapidly falling
> hopelessly in love with her. Unfortunately, she is going out with D,
> and given her character is unlikely to dump him. I never get to see her
> when he's not there, they spend every waking hour together and have
> done so for the month they've been going out. There relationship, from
> my biased point of view, still seems very shallow. Add to this that I
> think the relationship is actually harming her and what you end up with
> is a confused and indecisive me.
>       What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Things are never as simple as they seem. While U believe that C is
} faithful to D, D is under the influence of the evil I, and is destined
} for L. When C asked D why he was in the pool hall with Q, D said that Q
} goes by many names and is actually H's X. C smiled, for she knew that X
} is secretly J, and has been seen out with both M and F. F refused J's
} advances at a party, so J asked Y. Y said he loved T, but after a while
} said he had to go off to P. Sadly P was in the long grass out the back
} making A. (Being drunk and unprepared, nine months later A gave birth
} to a little red N. A never said who the father was, causing everybody
} to say "O") C saw D emerge from a back room with whip marks on his
} legs. C screamed "G!" and stormed off.
}
} So make your move now supplicant. C is on the rebound, but might be
} sucked into D's world, and get involved with S and M.


656-10    (1drk8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Charming and Proper Oracle,
>
>     Your presence is kindly requested Monday, June 13, at the
> investiture of the Princess Royal.
>
> R.S.V.P.
>
> H. R. M.
> Queen Elizabeth of Windsor

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most Propping and Charmer Majesty,
}
} I shall be glad to attend the investiture.  However, given that I
} only just received your invitation today and the ceremony took place
} yesterday, I fear that I must resort to time travel yet again.  We
} both know how painful that can be.  Remember when I used it to attend
} Charles' first polo match?  He wound up married to that Diana woman
} instead of Paula Abdul, the Shah was exiled from his own country,
} Hereford cattle changed color, and Dick Nixon became a hero on his
} deathbed.  But at least Andrew didn't get caught with John Major, so
} perhaps it's all right.  Expect me last week.
}
} Yours,
}
} Sir Oracle, K.U.


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