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Internet Oracularities #657

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Usenet Oracularities #657    (50 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 23 Jun 1994 16:39:17 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   657
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

657   50 votes 7ij42 6iea2 18kd8 48ka8 8ai86 ejd31 5adi4 3cgc7 bhg51 19ffa
657   2.9 mean  2.5   2.7   3.4   3.2   2.9   2.2   3.1   3.2   2.4   3.5


657-01    (7ij42 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a friend with a double degree in English and Political Science
> looking for job opportunities.  He is especially interested in military
> defense systems and foreign policy.  Does anybody know of any bulletin
> boards, databases, or ANY other resouces where he might find openings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The degree in "English and Political Science" is one of the most
} interesting of the newer majors that have been created in the last few
} decades.  Your friend's case is peculiar; not only did he receive this
} difficult degree once, but he went for it *twice*.
}
} The English and Political Science field is basically a study of how the
} English language and the English people relate to the complex field of
} government.  I suggest that your friend fly to England and run for
} a seat in Parliament.  If he's lucky, he'll eventually become a
} minister and become part of the Cabinet.  Your friend's training in the
} English language and English people should serve him well, and a seat
} in Parliament will provide your friend with an up-close view of
} political science.
}
} I can't imagine why your friend is interested in military defense
} systems. If he is, I don't know why he would have majored in English
} and Political Science.  I think the field of "Latin and Nuclear
} Physics" or perhaps "Music and Strategy" would have been more up his
} alley.
}
} Wish your friend the best of luck.  And tell him that if he can't find
} a job, he can always go back to his college and major for his *third*
} time in English and Political Science.  The more degrees one has, the
} more impressive one's resume will be to potential employers.


657-02    (6iea2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear mister Oracle,
>
> since your name is Oracle, are you related to the company with the same
> name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's *Ms.* Oracle in this incarnation, pal, and no, I am not
} related to the database company.  Your question is equivalent to
} asking "Is Jackson Pollack related to Michael Jackson?"  You see,
} Oracle is their first name, Corporation is their last name.  In my
} case T. Usenet is the first name, and Oracle is the last name.
} Capisce?
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of chocolates and flowers.  She gets very
} testy when people call Her "mister".


657-03    (18kd8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, Oracle who can pull a rabbit out of
> his hat, Oracle with a million jokes, Oracle the master of impressions,
> please help me..
>
> I need a vacation.  I want to get away from work for a while and just
> forget about the whole rat-race.  But I don't know where I should go.
> Can you give me any suggestions for good vacations?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ftp world.std.com]
} Connecting...
} [login oracle]
} Password?
} [****]
} Logged in.
} [cd pub/Oracle/services/world/travel]
} CWD accepted
} [get recommend.94]
} Port opened...36476 bytes transferred.
} cat recommend.94
}               ORACLE TRAVEL SERVICES
}
} Thank you for using ORACLE TRAVEL SERVICES.  This document is
} designed to help you choose a vacation IDEAL for you.  The list
} below contains the ten vacation spots that our staff believe
} would be best for you.
}
} 1.  Constantinople.  This bustling and quaint capital of the
} Ottoman Empire is exciting, mysterious, and can be reached by
} the romantic Orient Expr^C
}
} [get recommend.1994]
} Port opened...13454 bytes transferred.
} cat recommend.1994
}               ORACLE TRAVEL SERVICES, INC.
}
} Thanks for using OTSI, SUPPLICANT.  I've gone over an extensive
} list of over 12,340 possible vacations and compared them with
} what I know of your tastes.  According to you, your top concerns
} in choosing a vacation spot are COST, EXCITEMENT, and EXOTIC
} LOCALE.  Well, SUPPLICANT, I think I've found the perfect
} vacation!  I've listed the best below, but I think you'll see
} the one just for you, SUPPLICANT!
}
} 1.  P'yong-yang, North Korea.  P'yong-yang, a bustling city of
} 1,500,000, offers many delights for the discriminating tourist.
} From the picturesque Scud-launchers to the Kim Chee stands
} overlooking the DMZ, you can't help but be enchanted by the
} natural beauty of the landscape and the friendly, open people.
} For only pennies of hard currency, you can enjoy delicious meals
} and quality hotels.  Only a half an hour drive away is the
} Yongbon Nuclear Plant museum, where tour guides will explain how
} Plutonium is extracted and enriched.
}
} 2.  Krasnoyarsk, Russian Federation.  Once the site of an enormous
} "space surveillance" radar, Krasnoyarsk is now a sleepy college
} town, holding world-famous Krasnoyarsk University.  KU made an
} impact when the successfully grew fungus in a completely self-
} contained eco-system.  One day, this technology will be used to
} send fungus to other planets.  In the meantime, tourists can
} find endless entertainment at the Russian Mafia-sponsored Black
} Market in military goods; the ruins of the "civil" space radar;
} or, a favorite among visitors, the giant ground-based laser that
} was used for "research" purposes.  Say hello to the helpful
} security guards.
}
} 3.  Brcko, Bosnia-Hercegovina.  Although many historical sites
} of Brcko have been unfortunately destroyed in the war, for example
} the famous Itzoban Bridge, the four-hundred year-old statue of
} Adoman Karobodan, the Gardens of Grpd, the historical Tower of
} Lipdoj, the Museum of Hercegovinan Pottery, the Roman Empire
} aquaducts, the cannon left by the Turkish invasion of 1583, the
} Castle of the Hansburg family, pre-Roman cave paintings, a mill
} dating from the 1700s, there is still much to do in Brcko!
} Warning:  those traveling with small children will want to bring
} suitable reading matter.
}
} 4.  Port-au-Prince, Haiti.  Haitian for "Port Gold Prince", Port-
} au-Prince has more character than any other Western Hemisphere
} city.  Visit the Voodoo Museum, where Charles Gandolfo will
} demonstrate actual voodoo ceremonies.  Take a day trip to the
} Dominican Republic border, and watch the follies as wily
} smugglers bring gasoline and oil across the border.  Or spend
} a relaxing evening watching the sun set over the United States
} Navy.
}
} 5.  Mogadishu, Somalia.  A Somali word meaning "Saigon", Mogadishu
} lives up to its name.  Heavily spiced food can be enjoyed at
} the Chinese Embassy restaurant, and there is excellent furniture
} shopping at Farah's Furniture (right next to the American embassy).
} Nightly firework shows will entrance you, as parades of cheerful
} Somalis in jeeps speed down the road.  Pick up some souvineer
} pieces of UH-60 Blackhawk helicopters, or just some AK-47s at
} the quaint arms markets.
}
} Well, SUPPLICANT, I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun on your vacation.
} Please use OTSI the next time you're planning a vacation!
}
} [quit]
} Logoff at 16:32 EST.
} [mail supplicant@bozo.edu]
} [~r recommend.1994]
} [You owe the Oracle a Fodor's for Indiana.]
} [.]
} [logout]


657-04    (48ka8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a new microwave oven but I have got bored using it to cook food.
> Please oh oracle, can you suggest some alternative uses for it

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's Top Ten list of things to do with your microwave oven
} when you get bored with using it to cook food:
}
} 10.  Sell it, and use the money for a short course in any of the
}      following topics:
}        - how to conjugate verbs
}        - how to use capital letters when addressing Omnipotent Beings
}        - how to punctuate the end of a sentence
} 9.   Take it into the living room and use it as a step while doing
}      your step-areobics workout.
} 8.   Use it as a hair dryer.
} 7.   Seal up the door and all interior holes, then cut a hole in the top
}      and use it as an aquarium (note: you won't have to buy a heater to
}      keep the water warm, just run the microwave for 3 minutes daily).
} 6.   Start experimenting with explosives, and use the microwave to
}      heat-seal your PVC pipe bombs.
} 5.   Wrap the cord around the middle and use it like a yo-yo (this
}      works well as part of your fitness program referenced in #9)
} 4.   Plant it in your back yard to see if it will grow into something
}      that interests you (Rumor has it that nuclear power plants are
}      actually grown this way)
} 3.   Use it to dry and fire bricks made from the mud in your back yard;
}      you should be able to complete half of a nice barbequeue pit
}      before the oven goes up in flames; then use it to start your first
}      bbq fire.
} 2.   Stick your foot in it, fill it with quick-drying cement, and go for
}      a swim in the neighbor's pool; the added weight will turn swimming
}      into the final touch in your exercise program (see #9 and #5).
} 1.   Bypass the door-open safety mechanism and use the open oven to try
}      to send your own broadcasts to the local TV station's microwave
}      receiver (additional hardware required).


657-05    (8ai86 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      I have long been in awe of your most magnificent and munificent
>      responses to the questions of Earth-bound and humble mortals like
>      myself. The time has come for me to ask of you the question which
>      has bothered me and my kind since time immemorial:
>
>      Why is it that French teachers in the UK always come from Leeds,
>      Manchester, Newcastle or other Northern cities? Instead of saying:
>      'Bonjour la classe' they always mangle it into:
>      'Bonn-dgewer lah clahss' or some other incomprehensible weirdness.
>
>      Is this the same the world over? Is there some universal and
>      infallible law which states that anybody with an accent which
>      vaguely resembles French is not allowed to teach on pain of death?
>      Or is this just one of those strange mysteries that make up this
>      rich fabric we call education?
>
>      I remain, Sir/Madam/Multi-Dimensional Being of Omniscience and
>      Omnipresence, your obedient and humble servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dgieu parl too lay long-uh hoomane, may dgieu reu-grett, dgieu neu peu
} pah ray-pondruh ah tonn kess-tion.


657-06    (ejd31 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most trendy,
> Whose answers are concise and seldom windy,
> And whose knowledge is far-ranging,
> The Oracular mascot seems to be changing.
>
> We once had...you know...quack, quack, quack.
> And now...a marmot lumberjack.
> These changes are so confusing,
> Though doubtless they're meant to be amusing.
>
> Could it be, the tribal totem
> Is determined by one's scrotum?
> And Mr. Woodchuck and Mr. Duck
> Are used because they rhyme with fuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant most extreme,
} your question does seem,
} to suggest to me,
} your desire for a bird and a bee,
}
} Your insolence has been heard,
} and the supplicant does deserve,
} to hear about Mr Duck,
} and stunning Miss Woodchuck,
}
} the Oracle unfortunately,
} is being rated by Disney,
} thus your imagination will be
} all of them you shall see.
}
} The Usenet Oracle (incarnated as miked@ikos.com)
}
} You owe the Oracle one bird, one bee, one duck and a flustered
} woodchuck.


657-07    (5adi4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> q2
> 2
> q
>
> a

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Again with the chess puzzles? All right -- but this is the last time.
} We start off with a queen sacrifice, i.e. 1 Q-K3, giving us
}
}                 q2
}                 2
}                   q
}
}                 a
}
}   -- note that the white queen is now threatening both the black queen
} and the black archbishop. Black is thus forced to take the white queen
} (1 . . .  QxQ), thus freeing up our doppelganger to move into attacking
} position (2 2-QB5!), giving us
}
}                2
}                 2
}                   q
}
}                 a
}
} Black, despite his apparent material advantage, is now in a classic
} zugzwang position. He has to move either his doppelganger or archbishop
} (since he has no king), but every such move is a loser, since White's
} doppel now controls the QB file and Black's own queen is blocking
} the diagonal escape route. We get a trivial mate in two.
}
} You owe the Oracle a king-side castle in the air.


657-08    (3cgc7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Wise Oracle whose brightness is only slightly less the Mr.
> Clinton's, thats George not Bill. I no longer ponder the meaning of
> life, I am well satisfied with my current lot, but I am troubled.
> Please help. I really need to know whether nipple piercing is chic,
> fashionable and rather good-looking or just one of those fads - like
> getting a stigmata done just for the hell of it ?
>                                       PC

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I gotta tell you, around here at the Oracle Tough Being's Workout
} Club and Crawfishatorium, we think that nipple piercing is kind of
} disgusting.
}
} Picture the following: You're on a 747 that's about to take off from
} Singapore airport. Your butt's already sore after your prison term, and
} at the last minute a JAL DC-3 cuts you off, and the pilot of your plane
} has no choice but to dump it into the slums at the end of the runway.
} (Work with me here, we're getting to it.)  So it's your turn to slide
} down that big yellow plastic slippery-slide to escape to safety. You
} were nearest to the exit door, or else you were the only one paying
} attention when they pointed them out, so you're about first in line and
} there are a bunch of Catholic Youth Order kids behind you that are in a
} panic. So are you going to slide down on your throbbing buttocks?  I
} hardly think so.  You have to take a header down the slide, do a
} belly-flop on the vinyl and scoot on down.  If there's even one little
} uneven spot in that slide, your nipples are staying in Singapore.
}
} Here at the Oracle Steroid Parlor and Hello Sailor Lounge, we go more
} in for the subler forms of self-mutilation, like - well never mind, I
} don't think you could take it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of denatured alcohol.


657-09    (bhg51 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, here's my problem: the farmer comes to the riverbank
> and finds the bridge washed out; thank goodness there's a
> boat.  Bad news, the boat can only hold the farmer and one
> other.
>
> The farmer has an Oracle, a woodchuck, and a pile of wood.
> He can't leave the Oracle and the woodchuck alone together
> because the Oracle would zot the woodchuck, and he can't
> leave the woodchuck and the pile of wood alone together
> because the woodchuck would chuck the wood.
>
> How the hecl does he get everything across safely?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First the puissant Oracle and the humble pile of wood take the boat
} across the river.  The Oracle leaves the wood on the opposite side of
} the river, then returns to the farmer and the woodchuck.  The farmer
} and the shrewd Oracle cross the river, and the Oracle stays with the
} pile of wood while the farmer recrosses the river to retrieve the
} woodchuck.  The farmer and the woodchuck join the Oracle and the wood
} on the opposite side of the river, and the merry crew cavort along
} their way and all live happily ever after.
}
} Yr obt srvt,
}
} Rachel


657-10    (19ffa dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Powerful Oracle, in whose path even woodchucks fear to tread,
> this humble supplicant was a major problem: it is so unfair that I have
> to spend an entire seventh of my life on Mondays. What can be done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The great and wise Oracle has several possible solutions to your
} prolem.
}
} 1) Cryogenics.  Turn up your freezer to 'High' or 'Fast Freeze' and get
} in it on Sunday night.  Remember to ask someone to take you out on
} Tuesday and put you in the microwave.  (Make sure your microwave has a
} 'Defrost and Revive' setting).
}
} 2) Monday avoidance.  Simply keep moving west sufficiently fast for
} Monday to never catch up with you.  At the equator this means an
} average speed of ~1000mph (Don't forget to allow for refueling and rest
} breaks) but if you travel to the North or South Poles first, and locate
} them with suffient accuracy, it can be done comfortably at walking
} pace.
}
} 3) Time dilation.  All you have to do is buy a fast enough space ship,
} and accelerate hard during Sunday, to reach 99.9999% of the speed of
} light by midnight.  Due to time dilation Monday will pass in a mere
} matter of seconds.  You can then decelerate and enjoy the rest of the
} week.  If you wait till Friday before decelerating you can enjoy a
} longer weekend as well.
}
} If you are interested, the Oracle is an approved dealer for
} re-conditioned light speed space ships, in excellent condition, some
} with low milage and only one previous careful old lady martian owner,
} available at bargain prices (available with 3 months/6,000 miles
} warranty).
}
} 4) Aversion Therapy.  Mondays only seem so bad because you prefer the
} rest of the week, For only $20 (batteries not included) the great
} Oracle can sell you a device that has electrodes that you attact to
} your <insert name of sensitive body part here>, and will give you
} severe electric shocks every hour Tuesday through Sunday.  Soon you
} will delight in Mondays and look forward to them.
}
} 5) Move.  This is the Oracle's prefered soltion, move somewhere where
} Mondays are not as frequent, the Oracle would recommend Mercury, as
} with it's slow rotation Mondays are well spaced.  Being able to bask
} all day in the glorious sunny weather (for that really *deep* tan) and
} the cool breezy nights make Mercury an excellent place to stay.
}
} I predict that Mercury will soon become one of this solar systems most
} popular resorts, but despite the rising popularity, the Oracle still
} has a few timeshares available at bargain prices, but these are selling
} fast so hurry!
}
} You owe the Oracle some factor 2,000,000 sun tan lotion.


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