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Internet Oracularities #658

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658, 658-01, 658-02, 658-03, 658-04, 658-05, 658-06, 658-07, 658-08, 658-09, 658-10


Usenet Oracularities #658    (73 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 28 Jun 1994 08:08:00 -0500

@@@                     The Usenet Oracle hits 100,000!
@@@
@@@ On 18 June 1994, the Usenet Oracle was asked its 100,000th question.
@@@ That makes for an average of 58.3 questions per day since its
@@@ inception on 8 October 1989.  The lucky supplicant who asked the
@@@ landmark question must remain anonymous -- I've had no response yet
@@@ for permission to announce his name.
@@@
@@@ Congratulations, Orrie, may you be burdened with 100,000 more!

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   658
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

658   73 votes 5bsja 3btn7 2cijm 4brm9 aqkc5 58jkl 4ktc8 aspa0 cnn96 hi9ja
658   3.1 mean  3.2   3.3   3.6   3.3   2.7   3.6   3.0   2.5   2.6   2.8


658-01    (5bsja dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is today's date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Today's date is a small, brown fruit that grows on palm trees in
} various warm areas on the earth. Yesterday's date was sitting
} right next to today's date on the date tree, but it was eaten
} (yesterday, of course) by a small boy who was climbing palm trees
} instead of going to school.
}
} Dates taste nice because the word 'date' contains vowels. Everything
} that tastes nice contains vowels ('pizza' and 'beef' are but two
} examples). Everything that tastes nasty contains consonants
} ('rice pudding' and 'worms' are two examples). You may argue that
} a name such as 'hot dog' contains both vowels and consonants, but
} that is simply because some people like hot dogs, while others don't.
}
} You owe the Oracle a delicious auiou.


658-02    (3btn7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose knowledge shines brighter than my Carribean sunburn,
> please hear my plea and help me!
>
> I was studying alone in my dorm room late one night when a soft knock
> came on my door. I opened the door, and in came Linda from my math
> class and a friend of hers that she introduced as Rachel. Well, one
> thing led to another, and now I need to know:  Are the letters in
> Penthouse Forum real? If they print a letter I send them, do they send
> me any money, or should I send my experience to Reader's Digest for the
> big bucks?
>
> (name and address withheld by request)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dearest supplicant,
}
} Being the omniscient Oracle that I am, and therefore knowing the
} contents of your letter, I would suggest you submit it to Reader's
} Digest.  They are still looking for good material for their "Laughter,
} the Best Medicine" section.
}
} You owe the Oracle Victoria's secret.


658-03    (2cijm dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh great ponderous Oracle for whom words
> cannot describe, please answer this question...
>
>    I just completed a six week vacation around
> the US by car.  My brother and I started in
> Michigan, took old Route 66 from St. Louis to
> Arizona, visited the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon,
> Zion National Park, Las Vegas, Hoover Dam,
> then went down to San Diego and visited Tijuana,
> then traveled northward visiting Los Angeles,
> including Beverly Hills and Hollywood, stopped
> at Sequoia National Park and Yosemite National
> Park, then went to San Francisco and walked up
> and down the hills, then went north visiting
> the redwood forests and doing a little
> salmon fishing, then continuing north, visited
> Seattle and rode the Space Needle, then
> headed eastward again visiting Coulee Dam,
> Glacier National Park, Yellowstone National
> Park, where we saw many animals, Mt. Rushmore,
> and the Badlands, Minneapolis-St. Paul, where
> we visited the Mall of America and the
> Museum of Questionable Medical Devices, then
> the Wisconsin Dells, Milwaukee, Chicago,
> finally ending back in Michigan where my
> family lives.
>
> Did anything happen while I was gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here is a sampling of headlines from newspapers around the country
} while you were away:
}
} 15 May 1994
} St. Louis Sentinal:  GAS STATION HOLDUPS PLAGUE MIDWEST
}
} 18 May 1994
} Phoenix Press:  BEER TRUCK HIJACKED FROM CITY DISTRIBUTOR
}
} 21 May 1994
} Flagstaff Herald:  LITTERING ON THE INCREASE -  EMPTY BEER
}                    BOTTLES STREWN THROUGHOUT CANYON PARKS
}
} 22  May 1994
} Las Vegas Observer:  TWO STEAL LIMOSINE WITH FEMALE ESCORTS STILL
}                      INSIDE
}
} 23 de Mayo 1994
} Tijuana Libertado:  DOS GRINGOS MOLESTAN EL BURRO - POLICIA BUSCAN
}                     LIMOSINO
}
} 24 May 1994
} Los Angeles Times:  CONVENIENCE STORE/LINGERIE STICKUPS A MYSTERY
}                     POLICE SAY SUSPECTS TRAVEL IN LIMO WITH HOOKERS
}
} 26 May 1994
} San Francisco Chronicle:  PRANKSTERS UNLOAD TRUCKLOAD OF BOWLING BALLS
}                           DOWN STREET - DISASTER NARROWLY AVERTED AT
}                           SENIORS CONVENTION
}
} 28 May 1994
} Seattle News:  HOOLIGANS HANG BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD BANNER FROM SPACE
}                NEEDLE
}
} 30 May 1994
} Yellowstone Gazette:  RANGERS CONCERNED - PARK ANIMALS
}                       FOUND WEARING STOLEN L.A. LINGERIE
}
} 2 JUNE 1994
} Dakota Free Press:  MT. RUSHMORE DEFILED - PRESIDENTS GIVEN NOSE RINGS
}
} 6 June 1994
} Minneapolis Bulletin:  MALL OF AMERICA EMPTIED AFTER GIANT STINK BOMB
}
} 7 June 1994
} St. Paul Herald:  ENLARGER EXHIBIT STOLEN FROM MEDICAL MUSEUM
}
} 12 June 1994
} Milwaukee Bee:  BEER LOVING BROTHERS WIN STATE SLOGAN CONTEST
}                 "EAT CHEESE OR DIE!"
}
} 15 June 1994
} Chicago Tribune:  MYSTERIOUS BROTHERS CRASH CHILI EATING CONTEST,
}                   GIVE NEW MEANING TO TERM "WINDY CITY"
}
} 18 June 1994
} Detroit Chronicle:  BROTHERS TRY TO KILL ONE ANOTHER - HIRE
}                     SAME COP WORKING AS UNDERCOVER HIT MAN
}
} You owe the Oracle a tank of Hi-test.


658-04    (4brm9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@romulus.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful
> than a locomotive, and able to leap tall supplicants in a single
> bound...
>
> Since the murder of my parents by a mugger, I have dedicated my life to
> fighting crime.  I have studied criminology at the best schools,
> mastered several martial arts, honed my body into a weapon, and
> invented a number of useful hi-tech gadgets.  I am ideally suited to a
> life of fighting crime, but something is missing.
>
> Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, but they're not afraid
> of me. I need something to frighten them when I first arrive on the
> scene.  Could you please give me some ideas?
>
>               --Bruce W.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Inventiveness and adaptiveness is an important part of the training of
} the modern superhero. You must come up with your own solution, though
} I'll allow you to learn from others' failures.
}
} (1) The Fly. Eminently fearsome for criminals and stealthy at night.
} First problems noted when criminals started wearing Australian hats
} with corks hanging off them. Limited ability to cooperate with police.
} When officers shouted "Raid!", superhero would run in opposite
} direction.
}
} (2) The Professor. Long black academic gown invited respect. Extremely
} logical and able to deduce the identity of culprits based on small
} amounts of evidence. Ability of limited use as The Professor would stop
} to publish journal papers on methods. Soon dropped out of the public
} eye as he sent grad students along to every crime after the first few.
}
} (3) Cowman. Initially little respect or fear from criminals. They
} soon felt the brunt of Cowman's udder-gun which shot supersonic jets of
} milk. Then Gary Larson came along and cocked up the whole image.
}
} (4) McEnroeman. Noted for his gold-plated tennis racquet and white
} shorts. Unable to secure convictions as he insisted on money in advance
} before entering any court, and continuously argued that the Judge
} "CAN-NOT BE SERIOUS". Partner "The Wonder Graf" even less impressive.
} After defeating nearly every criminal in the world, The Wonder Graf was
} unexpectedly beaten by a nine year old first time shoplifter.
}
} (5) Pink Floyd. Noted 70s supergroup embarked on a life of
} crimefighting using high-technology apparatus soon after the relative
} failure of their album "Obscured by Clouds". Initially promising career
} with near-victory over Darth Vader sidelined after The Floyd came under
} the influence of "The Dark Side".
}
} (6) U.N. Securityforceman. Completely useless. Arriving on scene of
} crime U.N. Securityforceman would make dire threats as to the fearsome
} punishment to be inflicted on the criminals, who would merrily continue
} with their business.
}
} (7) London Undergroundman. Has solved every crime committed in the
} tunnel between Charing Cross and Leicester Square stations in the last
} five years. Expected to devastate London's criminal community when the
} train he's on is finally restarted.
}
} (8) The Bobbit. While little immediate effect has been noted, The
} Bobbit's efforts are expected to vastly reduce the numbers of criminal
} elements in future generations.
}
} You owe The Oracle a skintight lyrca bodysuit with a big O on the
} chest.


658-05    (aqkc5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Jim@cdpsigma.demon.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many Oracles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, exactly ZERO, of course! Why do you think I keep a stock of
} supplicants handy in my closet? THEY do all my work for me, of course!
} Except where Lisa is involved...
}
} You owe the oracle a year's duty in my closet. Actually, let's make
} that two years for lack of appropriate groveling.


658-06    (58jkl dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is an easy way to meet others on the internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, one good way of meeting people, ma'am, is through the Internet
} Dating Game!
}
} ***************************
} Live from INDIANA! It's the INTERNET DATING GAME! And here's your host,
} T.U. "T-Dog" Oracle!!!
}
} Oracle: Hello all, hello bachelorette, and hello to our three
} bachelors. We all know the rules, so let's get going...
}
} <cheesy music>
}
} Oracle: Bachelor #1 is a computer scientist from Van Nuys...meet Dave
} Froog
}
} Froog: *snort* Hi, Orrie
}
} Oracle: Bachelor #2 is a college freshman computer nut from the
} University of Illinois...meet Gordo Glieck!
}
} Glieck: Hey.
}
} Oracle: And last but not least, say hello to Bachelor #3, a 12-year old
} Beavis-clone who's using his big brother's account, Biff!
}
} Biff: AWR1GHT TH1S 1S K00L G1RLZ RULE 4-EVER MAN!!!!!
}
} Oracle: Without any further ado, Bachelorette, ask your questions.
}
} Bachelorette: Oh...okay. Um...Bachelor #1: if you were a tree, what
} kind would you be?
}
} Froog: I'd be a logically-oriented program tree. Optimally, I'd be the
} sort of tree implemented by AT&T's earlier versions of UNIX. Quite
} frankly *snicker* it "leafs" the others in the dust! *chuckle*
}
} Oracle: What an abyssmal human being. Bachelor #2, what about you?
}
} Glieck: Huh? What tree? Um...I dunno. Maple maybe. Hey,
} bachelorette...um, what are you wearing? Are you into, um...
}
} Oracle: Right. How bout you, Bachelor #3
}
} Biff: 1D BE A B1G ST1FF TALL TREE CUZ 1 G0T A B1G N ST1FF 0NE N G0 0UT
} W1TH ME N 1LL R0CK Y0UR FREEK1NG W0RLD W1TH 1T S0 HARD 1T W0N'T BE
} FUNNY U W0NT BE LAFF1NG NEETHER Y0UL BE BEGG1N F0R M0RE CUZ 1M A
} FREEK!!!!!
}
} Oracle: How "DR0LL". Bachelorette, next question?
}
} Bachelorette: Okay, this one's multiple choice. Walks on the beach,
} walks in the moonlight, or walks in the park: which do you prefer?
}
} Froog: I don't understand. I have a BMW....or are you talking about
} screen savers for Windows? I have a dandy one of Spock beaming down on
} Malibu...
}
} Oracle: Bachelor #2
}
} Glieck: u m , gibve me a minutwe ive spilled spmething on my keyboard
}
} Oracle: Your seed, perhaps? How 'bout you Biff?
}
} Biff: PARK CUZ THATZ WHAT 1 HAVE 2-D0 WITH MY B1G ST1FF 0NE 1S PARK 1T
} 1N THE GRAGE CUZ 1TS B1GGER THEN A BUS N ALL U HAVE 2-D0 1S G0 0UT W1TH
} ME 0NE T1ME N 1LL G1VE U-THE B1FF TREETMENT!!!!! R0CK N R0LL BABY!!!!
}
} Bachelorette: Oh, my.
}
} Oracle: Well, hon, made up your mind yet?
}
} Bachelorette: Well, I've decided...
}
} Oracle: ...that none of them are worth a flip, and should be destroyed?
}
} Bachelorette: Yes.
}
} Oracle: And you'd much rather go out with me instead?
}
} Bachelorette: Well...yeah. I guess so.
}
} Oracle: Well, that's all for the Internet Dating Game, and as usual, I
} win. G'night everybody. Hey, babe, wanna see my dueling scar?
} **********************
}
} Have you learned today's lesson, supplicant? The lesson is: meeting
} people is real easy. Meeting GOOD people...well...try a bookstore or
} something.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 200-sheet roll of Gangsta Wrap.


658-07    (4ktc8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the origin of the word newbie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NEWBIE:
}
}       "New" of course, means "of recent origin, having existed only a
} short time; lately made, produced, or grown." That much you know.
}
}       The "bie" at the end of the word is an abbreviation of
} "Biedermeier," which refers specifically to the German poet Gottleib
} Biedermeier (1827-1892). Biedermeier wrote close to 74 different
} volumes of rather terse, boring poetry, and began each of them with an
} across-the-board disclaimer that each time generally stated "please
} forgive the poor quality of these poems -- bear in mind, I'm still
} rather new at this whole poetry thing."
}
}       There was, of course, no excuse for the quality of his poetry,
} but his claims of being "new to poetry" made him famous as a laughing
} stock. Consequently, people who made up lame excuses for their
} ineptitudes became known in Germany as "Neubiedermeiers." This term
} managed to cross the ocean to the States, and became the word "newbie."
}
}       Biedermeier died penniless, by the way. Ironically, the name was
} misspelt "Biedermyr" on his tombstone, and this was apparently due to
} the fact that it was the tombstone carver's "first day on the job."
}
}       You owe the Oracle a shoe horn.


658-08    (aspa0 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most salubrious Oracle...
>
> I passed!
> I got a II.2.
> I thought I'd tell you as you've been very nice to me and sent me
> lots of e-mails over the months.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see ... ah, here is the mail...
}
} Your first question was:
}
} > Oh, geographic Oracle, please, I have a test coming up and I need to
} > know what the capital of China is.  Should you feel that this humble
} > supplication is worthy of your time, please tell me what the answer
} > is.
}
} After pondering it over, I finally responded:
}
} } Vancouver, B.C.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle an atlas.
}
} The next one was:
}
} > Here is your atlas, oh magnificent one.  But now I need to know what
} > the Capital of Nigeria is.
}
} } New York, N.Y.
} }
} } You owe the oracle a map of Nigeria.
}
} And later, while still studying for your test, this mail was exchanged:
}
} > I found a map - it took a while to track down, but here is the map of
} > Nigeria that you asked for.  But another question has come up - what
} > is the capital of Mexico?
}
} } Los Angeles, Ca.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a Mexican Cigar from Cuba.
}
} Sensing my humour, you wrote back:
}
} > You are funny, wonderful Oracle.  Your omniscience knows that I
} > cannot get to Cuba when I don't know where it is.  But I need to know
} > yet another capital.  What is the capital of Brazil?
}
} } Edmonton, AB.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a pass to West Edmonton Mall in the capital of
} } Brazil.
}
} Using the information I provided, you got a II.2 on your test.
} Congratulations!
} That means you obviously didn't follow my complete advice since you did
} get those 2 marks.  The test was out of C.100.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few more letters for my collection.


658-09    (cnn96 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is it with this warp 13 thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Warp Thirteen is a secret discotheque located 100 metres below
} Grand Central Station in New York City. In lieu of ordinary alcoholic
} drinks, customers take hashish enemas and nicotine gum. Spectacular
} lighting effects are produced when argon lasers pass through a giant
} prism of ice in the center of the room. In the center of that prism,
} serenely entombed, is the corpse of famed animator Walt Disney. The
} musical agenda tends to be dominated by Zager and Evans, Prince's
} unreleased "Black Album", and German "industrial" techno-pop.
}       The entrance to Warp Thirteen is a telephone booth in NYC. The
} relevant booth changes from day to day; members have the schedule
} tattooed microscopically onto their left thumbnail, and when necessary
} read the tattoo with a jeweller's loupe. If you find the right booth,
} all you need do is a dial a permanent 7-digit code number, uniquely
} selected by robotic "commissioners" for your own personal use. If you
} dial a valid code number, the phone booth will sink from sight
} unobtrusively, and you will receive a smooth, brief ride straight down
} to the disco.
}       Often spotted at Warp 13: Vice-President Al Gore, Wil Wheaton of
} "Star Trek: The Next Generation" fame, and comedian Soupy Sales. Henry
} Kissinger is said to have raped a stewardess there in 1982.


658-10    (hi9ja dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a star2000 graphics card.Is there anybody out there who has
> the same card?I ask this because I have a problem with the dos drivers.
> To be more specific while I have 2MB of card ram in Windows giving me
> 16 M colors ,in Dos I haveonly 256KB(at least so says the Dos) of
> card memory giving me very low resolution and with max 256 colors.
> If someone could help me I would be very grateful.
> Thank you Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you think DOS drivers are bad, you should see Boston drivers!


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