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Internet Oracularities #659

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659, 659-01, 659-02, 659-03, 659-04, 659-05, 659-06, 659-07, 659-08, 659-09, 659-10


Usenet Oracularities #659    (69 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 30 Jun 1994 15:21:09 -0500

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   659
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

659   69 votes 6moc5 8fog6 8epe8 erh47 47fml 4cmn8 2bljg 5tm94 6so92 ejhf4
659   3.0 mean  2.8   3.0   3.0   2.5   3.7   3.3   3.5   2.7   2.6   2.7


659-01    (6moc5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hello
> !
> 1
> q
> Q

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene: Paul McCartney's room at the Asher mansion, early 1967]
}
} STTRRUUMM. "You say hello, and I say !  1 q Q .... oh hell."
} STTRRUUMM. "You say hello, and I say %  4 p P .... shucks, that's no
} better." STTRRUUMM. "You say hello, and I say *  3 e E .... this is
} going nowhere."
}
} [Paul goes to the phone]
}
} RING. "John, I've got this real neat tune. Listen, dee dee dah dee,
} dah dee dee dah dee. I've got half the lyrics, but the second half is
} a bit tricky. What's that, 'Goodbye?', John? John? Wonder what he was
} saying. Still, seems to fit."
}
} STTRRUUMM. "You say hello, and I say goodbye. Yeah Yeah Yeah."
}
} STTRRUUMM. "Scrambled eggs, oh baby how I love your legs. ... brilliant
} if I say so meself. Wish John hadn't insisted that I change it."
}
} You owe The Oracle a question that doesn't invariably lead to a "1"
} answer.


659-02    (8fog6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will this &*%#^& program EVER work right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forcing a program to "work" almost never succeeds, especially if it's
} the &*%#^& variety.  (BTW, &*%#^& program 2.01 is notoriously buggy).
} Anyway, the key to understanding a program is to find a common goal you
} can achieve together.  This is known as "getting with the program."
}
} Incidentally, computer users often unwittingly do themselves in by
} using computer "commands."  There's nothing a computer hates more than
} being "commanded" to do anything.  This requires a paradigm shift on
} the part of the user: don't use commands, use requests.  Use
} beseechments.  Beg if necessary.
}
} To answer the question, a &*%#^& program will never work right.  Try a
} little tenderness, though, and perhaps you can "get with the program."
}
} Another helpful tip.  If your &*%#^& program won't work right, try
} moving your entire platform 90 degrees counter-clockwise.  This is
} called getting it to work left.
}
} Your obedient petitioner,
} David Noonan


659-03    (8epe8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise One, please tell me why the country of France has had such a
> turbulent political history.  Does it have something to do with the
> food?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Turbulent?  TURbulent?  No, the French have had a mild history.
} You have to check the Soviet's history - in and out of existance within
} the same century. Or the German's Third Reich - in and out in a couple
} decades (which isn't a very long "1000 year reign").  Or the Polish -
} out and back in in a couple of decades.  Or the Tobswians.  The TobWHO?
} you ask.  The Tobswians.  Within a five year period they had:
}
} 1) broke away from the Botswanians in a bloody civil war where only
} ten people from both sides survived;
}
} 2) Formed their own country and applied to the UN for protection.
} (The UN is still debating this)
}
} 3) Had internal strife for leadership - this was doubled by the
} fact that there were TWO dictators both thinking that the other was
} their servant.
}
} 4) Civil war erupted, destroying 80% of their population (only the
} dictators survived) and 90% of their landmass (only the dictator's
} private villas were left standing).
}
} 5) Disintegrated and were annexed by Botswania again.
}
} In the SECOND month,
}
} 6) Broke from the Botswanians.  This time only one person died in
} the civil war.
}
} 7) Applied to join the UN.  (This has been put off until the UN
} decides #2 above.)
}
} 8) Received $50,000 from the US in foreign aid
}
} 9) Had a big party (by himself, obviously) and spent $45,000 on it.
}
} 10) Due to excessive spending by the government, nobody had a revolt
} and overthrew the dictator.  They established a direct democracy
} instead.
}
} 11) New government was thrown out when they could not pass their
} budget through their Senate.
}
} 12) Disintegrated and reannexed by Botswania again.
}
} In the THIRD month,
}
} 13) Broke away from the Botswanians in favour of a dictatorship again.
} One Tobswian died.
}
} 14) Were given 0 hectares of land for their population of 0 and
} government of 0.
}
} 15) Botswania, tired of the above, marched on them.  The army got
} lost and gave up, letting Tobswia continue.  The official records
} say that the Tobswian snipers were too dangerous.
}
} 16) Immigrants to Tobswia held a big religious event in Botswania.
} Claimed the land for Tobswia.  Botswania's army happened upon them
} on the army's way home.
}
} 17) National census done again.  Still at zero population and 0 land.
}
} And it goes downhill from there.  You see, France has had nothing to
} compare with this.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more believable story for next time....


659-04    (erh47 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Jim@cdpsigma.demon.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh great and mighty oracle..
>
>   Will T$R's plans for universal corporate takeover work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rest assured, humble supplicant, they already have.
}
}                      - Advanced Oracle, 2nd Edition


659-05    (47fml dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I heard a rumor that Elvis Presley, Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, and
> Adolf Hitler are playing Canasta deep within the Amazon jungle.  Could
> you tell me which pairs are partners, and which team is winning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Actually, they're playing bridge.  Here's their last hand . . .
}
}                               North (Elvis)
}
}                               S KQJ7
}                               H KJ32
}                               D K
}                               C K1083
}   West    S 9                                      S  10832       East
} (Hitler)  H 9                                      H  Q105       (Hoffa)
}           D QJ10987653                             D  42
}           C 94                                     C  J752
}
}                               S A654
}                               H A8764
}                               D A
}                               C AQ6
}
}                             South (Earhart)
}
}                        North-South Vulnerable.
}                             Dealer:  West
}
}                West       North         East      South
}                 4D         4NT          Pass       5NT
}                Pass        6NT          Pass       Pass
}                 Dbl        Pass         Pass       Pass
}                Pass
}
}      West leads the 5 of diamonds which is taken by dummy's ace.  North
}      realizes one finesse has to work for the contract to come home and
}      decides East probably has the missing honors, due to West's pre-
}      emptive bid.  (Of course, North thinks, West has always been known
}      for his preemptive bids, even when he's doesn't really have
}      anything; this is called the Sudentenland Gambit.)
}
}      North comes back to hand with the four of spades, covering with
}      the Jack.  North plays the jack of hearts, which holds when East
}      ducks and the four comes from the dummy.  North then plays the 10
}      of clubs, which east covers, and is then taken by the queen.  To
}      come back to his hand, North plays the 6 of spades from dummy,
}      which West trumps with the 6 of diamonds.  North explains to West
}      that the King takes the hand, but West counters that the rules
}      have now changed:  he is no longer satisfied with no trump and
}      insists the contract be played in diamonds.  He also demands to
}      put troops on North's side of the table.
}
}      North looks to his partner for support, but she's no longer at the
}      table, Instead there are some natives who are talking about some
}      great white woman from the sky.  He also realizes that East has
}      disappeared, replaced by a New York Giants beach towel.  West,
}      meanwhile, has seized South's hand, and will, in the interest of
}      peace, agree to a referendum as to what suit the contract should
}      be played in.  North, belching and adjusting his jumpsuit, agrees
}      to the vote.
}
}      After a secret ballot, the final result is No Trump: 1, Diamonds:
}      32.  West then seizes all the clubs and herds them into a pile on
}      the side of table, stating he will no longer use such worthless
}      cards. North, knowing an incredibly tasteless analogy when he
}      hears one, suddenly begins to gyrate his hips to an addictive
}      melody which seems to come from nowhere, but everywhere.
}
}      Six bikini clad women then emerge from the jungle carrying an
}      acoustic guitar which they throw to North.  During the ensuing
}      musical number, the women enchant West with their dancing which
}      allows North to snag some of his cards.  West, realizing North
}      took most of his diamonds while he was concerned with resources in
}      the East, begins to despair, and retreat backwards from the table,
}      burning the jungle around him.
}
}      North, seizing the opportunity, runs the table to secure the baby
}      slam, with an overtrick.  When he goes to collect his winnings
}      from West, he finds only a charred pile of ashes, and Geraldo
}      Rivera.
}
}      You owe the Oracle a copy of "Win at Bridge" by Omar Sharif.


659-06    (4cmn8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle!  Please bestow upon me knowledge!  A recent severe
> paper cut revealed to me a startling fact: My blood tastes like
> ketchup!  Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is simple, really.
}
} Your blood tastes a bit like ketchup because it's stage blood.  You
} see, you're a movie character, not a real person.  In fact, you're the
} hero cop.  There are some easy ways to verify this:
}
} 1) You always manage to blow away 100 bad guys without really aiming,
} even though 100 sharpshooters miss you, hitting the ground all around
} you.
}
} 2) Your partner was killed, and you're seeking revenge for his murder.
}
} 3) You have a hard-ass boss, who chews you out for violating
} regulations all the time.
}
} 4) When you do have big fights, you end up with insignifcant cuts,
} like your paper cut for example, and you make witty jokes about them,
} for no real reason.
}
} 5) Your girlfriend/wife/daughter was kidnapped by the main bad guy,
} and you're trying to get her back.
}
} 6) This whole situation will repeat itself, with only minor
} variations, in a year or two.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to Variety.


659-07    (2bljg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisdomous Oracle of all ye survey,
>
> Why is water wet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORIGINAL EXPLANATION
} Jurisdictions in which alcohol is illegal are said to be dry.
} Jurisdictions in which alcohol is legal are said to be wet.  Thus, we
} see that alcohol is wet.  Water has often been called "the poor man's
} alcohol." This led to the widespread misconception that water is wet.
}
} REVISIONIST EXPLANATION
} The word water is derived from the Latin word "water" (which meant FM
} radio).  For reasons of electrical safety, the Romans kept their waters
} in dry places.  For example, they never took a water into a shower.
} Eventually, the word water came to mean dry.  You may have
} noticed that many people say "bad" to mean exceptionally good.  By a
} similar, linguistic process, the word water gradually reversed its
} meaning, and came to mean wet.  That's why water is wet.
}
} CIA RESPONSE
} Water is wet for reasons which have been classified.  Disclosure of
} those reasons would endanger certain of our agents and would compromise
} America's security.  It is a violation of federal law to knowingly
} disclose the reasons for water's wetness.  This Agency is currently
} conducting an extensive review of whether any of those laws and
} policies should be revised. At present, those laws and policies remain
} in effect.
}
} ACADEMIC RESPONSE
} Water and wetness vary much among civilizations, cultures, countries,
} epochs, sexes, sexual preferences, races, and religions.  It is naively
} incorrect to think that there is only one correct explanation.  (In
} fact, members of the Dari tribe of New Guinea would probably start
} laughing if you suggested to them that water is wet.)  There are many
} explanations for the value judgment that water is wet,
} each one varying according to its own time, place, and circumstances.
} As responsible scholars, we must understand and respect the diversity
} of views on this controversial issue.  We at the Institute for the
} Study of Water and Wetness publish a quarterly journal you may wish to
} read: Proceedings of the Institute for the Study of Water and Wetness.
} Our next issue will be a special issue devoted to water sports.  If you
} would like to be an anonymous peer reviewer for the journal, you are
} welcome to apply.  Anyone with a useless doctorate is eligible.  The
} Institute particularly solicits applications from women and minorities.
}
} LAWYER'S RESPONSE
} My client has never expressed an opinion on the alleged wetness of
} water.  Any statements of his seemingly to the contrary (assuming that
} there were any such statements) were intended as jocular, humorous
} remarks only.  Please do not contact my client any more about this
} matter; instead, direct all communications to me.
}
} ANSWER OF HIS IMPERIAL HIGHNESS, THE ORACLE
} Water's wet because I like it that way.
}
} You owe the Oracle lunch at the Watergate Hotel.


659-08    (5tm94 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle, please tell me if i will ever get rid of my addiction to the
> internet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Short Answer:  No.
}
} Long Answer:
}
}   Your entire motorcycle collection will be repossessed, your SO (and
} your wife, for that matter) will leave you, two of your children will
} join the Moonies, another will be arrested by the FBI for plotting
} terrorist acts against BBN, and the others will turn out wierd.
}
}   In the end, your present pizza delivery boy, as president and CEO of
} IP (Internet Pizza) will become wealthy beyond his wildest dreams and
} feel he owes it all to you for your suggestion that he get an Internet
} address.  He will give you T3 access to the Internet and free pizzas
} and Coke, and you'll flame away comfortably into your middle age as
} your body deteriorates, oblivious to the physical world around you.
}
} You owe The Oracle a large, whole wheat, thick crust pizza with
} mushroom, sausage, pepperoni, onion, green pepper, black olive, ham,
} pineapple and anchovy toppings, a large Coke, and your T1 connection.


659-09    (6so92 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just what exactly _does_ Frank Purdue do to make a tender chicken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The almighty Oracle has looked into your question and found your
} answer: perforation. Yes, folks, that's right, "tender" chicken isn't
} actually tender at all! It just seems that way, because of the
} perforation. Hell, we could probably eat vitamin-enriched bricks if
} they were perforated enough.
}
} See, back in 1984, when Frank Purdue himself decided there was demand
} for a "holy" chicken (get it? "holy?" ah, never mind), Perdue Chicken
} poured over fifteen million dollars into perforation studies. This was
} back before they had the Per-fo-matic automatic chicken perforator, and
} had to hire dozens and dozens of asian women at starvation wages to
} poke the chickens with very small needles. These women worked day and
} night, often the sole underpaid supporters of extended families of up
} to fourteen people, developing and perfecting the perfectly tenderized
} and perforated chicken.
}
} Think about all the blood, sweat, and holes that went into developing
} the morsels that you put into your hungry little mouth, next time you
} sit down to a chicken dinner.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "The New American Vegetarian Cookbook, 4th
} Edition".


659-10    (ejhf4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> whether history follows the form
> of a circle,
> a line,
> a gyre,
> or a tire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} History follows the form of a three-dimensional, cylindrical
} googleplexon.
}
} That is, if you look at it straight on, you would see a polygon with a
} googleplex sides.  (A googleplex is a 1 followed by a google zeros.  A
} google is a 1 followed by 100 zeros.)  It is VERY circular, but yet it
} has neainfinite bumps to it, not being quite a smooth circle.  But, if
} you look at it from the side, it never actually lands directly on
} itself so as to show it not quite repeating, but being very close.
}
} History also makes a good slinky.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ... hey, I lost my slinky, you owe me a new one.


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