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17 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:52:35 GMT

Internet Oracularities #66

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66, 66-01, 66-02, 66-03, 66-04, 66-05, 66-06, 66-07, 66-08, 66-09, 66-10


Usenet Oracularities #66
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 26 Nov 89 02:26:06 GMT

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66-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle!  On this Thanksgiving holiday, what are you thankful for?
>
> Happy Thanksgiving!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am thankful for:  front-opening bras; happy children; axolotls;
} Meccano; Cadbury's milk chocolate; caffeine-free, sugar-free Coke, life
} on Earth; meatless sausages; mashed potato; the European Standard
} Garment Care Labelling Regulations; pin-up pictures of nude women; The
} Times; Arran sweaters, and above all, YOU, my dear reader.  Thanks to
} God for you.


66-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There are always a lot of arguments between computer users on the topic
> of which microcomputer is the "best", or which architecture is the
> "best".  Which is actually the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 2V125 microchip and the Turbana disk drive.
}
} Actually there is a story behind this.  On my desk I had, for several
} years, a computer which had been built for me with special hardware, and
} which could not be bought in the shops.  It was in a plain black metal
} box, slightly smaller than that of an IBM PC, with noisy ventilation
} fans.  One day I peeled the label off a Spanish banana and stuck it on
} the front of the disk drive:  it was a bright red label that said
} `TURBANA' in big letters.
}
} Thereafter, whenever I had visits from educational inspectors and senior
} teachers they would look at the unfamiliar machine and say `Oh -- a
} Turbana disk drive', and some remark indicating that they knew about it
} already, such as `I've heard of them, they're good'.  And I would reply
} that it had the new board fitted with the 2V125 microchip; and they
} would nod in agreement and admiration.
}
} 2V125 was actually my daughter's mathematics and language class group at
} school.
}
} Therefore, in my capacity as Oracle of the Day, I commend the 2V125
} microchip and the Turbana disk drive unto you:  Widely acknowledged to
} be The Best In The World.


66-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any good jobs available in Bournemouth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed there are, my child!  The position of Town Rat-Kisser has just
} been vacated, since the former holder of that job has left in search of
} greener pastures.  In addition, there are numerous openings on the Board
} of Tree Measurement, and I hear that they're looking for a part-time
} whistle filler.
}
} You owe the Oracle a blank 90-minute cassette tape.


66-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O huge and hairy one, why have you refused to answer my inquiries or
> responded to my requests?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pah.  Bloody humans.  Always so impatient.  YOU try being an all-seeing,
} all-knowing Oracle for a few days.  It'd be enough to make your brain
} explode.
}
} That's why all us Oracles are fitted with a spare brain, mounted in a
} quick- -release bracket.  Many's the time I've been engaged in a
} particularly tricksy bit of philosophical cogitation only to feel my
} cerebellum suddenly detonate and see bits of cortex and motor neurons
} spray all over the screen.  It's a bugger to clean up, I can tell you.
} Ask David Cronenberg.
}
} If you want to imagine how it feels, try thinking about any of the
} following concepts:
}   (1) Being in the front row of a ZZ Van Bon Dead Def Leppard Von
}       Whitesnake Halen Osbourne concert, just in front of the speakers.
}   (2) Supergluing your nose shut and your lips around a high-pressure
}       air hose.
}   (3) Trying to commit suicide by overdosing on MSG.
}   (4) President Dan Quayle.
}
} Don't worry - YOUR brain won't explode.  That's why humans such as
} yourself don't need an extra brain.  In fact, if you had an extra brain
} it would be lonely.
}
} You owe the Oracle a paracetamol and a quiet lie down.


66-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the funny black thing on the 20p stamp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a representation of the carbon-black-enriched india-rubber
} condom first unveiled at the Great Exposition and used by the Royal
} Consort during sex with Her Majesty.  It prevented a whole slew of
} useless princes and princesses.  In these days of AIDS and free love,
} the Government have decided to call attention to this early Royal Use of
} rubbers.  The particular specimen depicted on the stamp was actually
} worn by the Royal Consort and is now in the British Museum (_not_ the
} Victoria and Albert).


66-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do dog owners let their dogs run in front of my bicycle and then
> when I swerve to avoid the damned animal, say `Good dog!' to it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They think that it is the dog's mental powers and extreme discretion
} that caused you to swerve away from it, not your own common sense.  Dog
} owners attribute incredible virtues to their animals, including
} mind-control on humans.


66-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would it be a good idea if the letters of the alphabet weren't kept in
> alphabetical order, but were re-arranged from time to time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This would be amusing (and incidentally cause no problems for the
} all-knowing Oracle), but for most people it would be quite a nuisance.
} In ancient time, when alphabetisation hadn't been invented (and it's
} less than 500 years old, believe it or not), it wouldn't have mattered.
} But if you were magiccally endowed with the power to change about the
} letters of the alphabet, and did it, you would probably be hunted down
} and killed by a host of angry teachers, typesetters, Irish setters,
} librarians, contrarians, castrati, nostril-hook manufacturers, Lisa
} impersonators, drag racers, drag queens, and Archimedean polyhedra, just
} for starters.


66-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please help. I am hungry and the only things I have in the cupboard are
> 17 lentils, a brazil nut, a tin of dog food, a chocolate biscuit and a
> piece of string. What can I cook with these ingredients?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can cook the lentils in a little water, meanwhile heating the dog
} food slowly in a pan.  When the lentils are done, add them to the dog
} food and make a sort of hash out of the result.  Garnish with chopped
} Brazil nut.  Have the biscuit for afters.  The string is indigestible
} and should not be eaten.
}
} Another thing to do is use these ingredients and a few common household
} items to perform a black-magic ritual.  Reserve two lentils and arrange
} the other 15 into a pentagram 1 metre across.  Mash the nut and add to
} it some fat from the dog food (often found sticking to the lid and sides
} of the tin); put this in a little dish and put into it a wick fashioned
} out of a bit of string.  Now put the biscuit at the centre of the
} pentagram, put the makeshift lamp (nut and fat and wick in dish) atop
} it, and strip yourself naked.  Smear dog food over your genitals and
} chest and face.  Put the two remaining lentils into your mouth.  Light
} the little lamp, chew and swallow the lentils, and then repeat the magic
} phrase, "Knickers, knackers, knockers" 666 times.  If you've done
} everything properly, an invisible Hell Hound should then lick the dog
} food from your body, and you will undergo a rapid metamorphosis that
} will leave you permanently as a buxom, fair-haired young woman, not at
} all hungry.  If in your beautiful new body you can't find a man to take
} you to dinner, or at least a job with a newspaper that value your
} physique, you deserve to be hungry.


66-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does my boyfriend want for Christmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To make love to you while possessed by Lisa, the net.sex.goddess and
} embodiment of essential female sexuality as perceived by all computer
} geeks and with the gymnastic suppleness of Gumby.
}
} Or a new Infocom game.  Either will do.
}
} You owe the Oracle a red-nosed reindeer.


66-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, why have I chosen the rigors of engineering as my major
> and why do I continue with it though I know it is so painful and
> unattractive to women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My child, the answer to your question lies in your belief systems, or
} b.s. for short.  Most engineering majors have many beliefs in common;
} many are kept personal, and many are shared with friends, but these
} beliefs engineers have maintained throughout the ages:
}
} 1. I don't look nearly as geeky as all the other guys in my
}    thermodynamics class.
} 2. I'm not getting laid, but I'm building the future.
} 3. All the Asian students get A's
} 4. The lab T.A. hates me.  I can tell.
} 5. I know it's painful now, but it will be worth it someday.
} 6. The recruiters for all the major companies were impressed with me
}    during our E-week display day.
} 7. Once I get out of here, I'll be makin' $35K a year for a 40-hour
}    work week, I'll be buyin' that Porsche I've been keeping my eye
}    on, and since I'm so much more suave than the geeks in my thermo
}    class, I'll be havin' more women than I know what to do with.
}
} #7, my child, is why you continue to pursue engineering.  #'s 1,2,5
} and 6 are how you justify staying there. #'s 3 and 4 are the excuses
} you give when you get a C in a class.  Your b.s. is B.S.  The cold
} hard reality of your situation is, respectively:
}
} 1. You look like as much of a geek as the guys in your thermo class.
} 2. You're not getting laid.  Period.
} 3. All the Asians get A's, unless you're Asian; then you get C's.
} 4. The lab T.A. forgot your name, and frankly, he doesn't really care.
} 5. You know it's painful now.  Philosophy sounds like a good major.
} 6. The recruiters forgot your name, and frankly, they don't really care.
} 7. Once you're out of here, you'll be makin' $35K a year for a 50-hour
}    work week, you'll be makin' payments on that Porsche, not to
}    mention insurance, and since you're no less suave than the geeks in
}    your thermo class, you'll settle for marrying the first woman who
}    lets you fuck her.  Chances are, it'll be that floozie secretary
}    golddigger five cubicles away from you, and chances are, she'll be
}    pregnant with someone else's kid.
}
} Kind of makes me wonder why anyone stays in engineering.
}
} You owe the Oracle a change of major.  And if you can't do that, at
} least get an 'A' in your stupid thermo class.  If you're gonna be a
} celibate geek, you might as well get a good grade in the process.


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