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Internet Oracularities #660

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660, 660-01, 660-02, 660-03, 660-04, 660-05, 660-06, 660-07, 660-08, 660-09, 660-10


Usenet Oracularities #660    (67 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 4 Jul 1994 11:02:35 -0500

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   660
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

660   67 votes oif73 dhdf9 8hmaa 2gsf6 5fqh4 798et 6cqg7 cehdb eofa4 agv82
660   2.9 mean  2.2   2.9   3.0   3.1   3.0   3.7   3.1   3.0   2.5   2.6


660-01    (oif73 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is baseball called "America's national pastime"?  Everybody I know
> spends more time sleeping than watch baseball.  Shouldn't sleeping be
> called "America's national pastime"?  And what would baseball be
> called?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Baseball is called "America's national pastime" because, for many
} decades, it was far more popular in America than elsewhere; not because
} it is more popular in America than other pastimes.  Today, baseball is
} the national pastime of America and Japan.  (Why did baseball catch
} on much more in Japan than in Germany or Italy?  You didn't ask that
} question, so I won't distract you by answering it.)  In any event,
} baseball is now Nipo-America's national pastime.
}
} If America's national pastime were defined by the amount of time
} Americans devote to it, that pastime would be three inter-related
} activities:  worrying, envying others, and trying to figure out ways
} to make more money.  (By contrast, most people sleep only several
} hours a day.)
}
} Some people thought that sleepball would become America's national
} pastime, but it never caught on.  I'll tell you the rules.  Just before
} you go to sleep, get a roll (a roll, not a sheet) of postage stamps.
} Tear off four stamps.  Now, you have a strip of four stamps. There are
} two end stamps (the stamps at the strip's two ends) and two middle
} stamps (the stamps in the middle).  Lick one of the end stamps.
} Wind the strip of stamps around the shaft of a penis, so that the
} two ends of the strip overlap (with the wet stamp on top, so that
} its glue does not touch any skin).  When the glue dries, the strip
} of stamps will be like a paper ring glued around the penis's shaft.
} The player (that's the person with the strip of stamps around the
} circumference of the shaft of his penis) goes to sleep.  If he has
} an erection in his sleep, the strip of stamps will tear (along a
} perforation, incidentally).  When he wakes up, he'll discover a torn
} strip of stamps (if he had an erection; otherwise, the strip of stamps
} will remain intact and in place).  Typically, one goes to sleep with
} a soft, bowling-ball-sized sphere covered with fur (the "sleepball").
} This is because players report that erections are more common if
} the player sleeps with a soft, curvaceous object.  Some players
} sleep with a friend (or, if they're desperate, a spouse): this is
} cheating (unless the marriage has lasted for at least seven years,
} in which case the effect of the spouse's availability is considered
} insignificant).  With the sole exception of players who sleep with
} someone to whom they have been married for at least seven years, the
} player must sleep alone. (Incidentally, Wilson makes a fine line of
} regulation sleepballs.)
}
} The game is televised (because the players don't sleep under a blanket
} in a regulation game).  Fluorescent ink is painted onto the stamps.
} Special bulbs (emiting light invisible to the naked eye) make the
} stamp rings glow in the dark.  All the television audience sees is
} a ring glowing in the dark.  Gradually, the ring begins to throb.
} Then, if there is enough of an erection, it tears.  Millions of TV
} viewers cheer.  The game is usually played as a two-player competition.
} Bets are made about which one will have an erection first.  Sometimes
} there are bets about the point spread (the number of minutes separating
} the spliting of the two player's rings). The players sleep with EEG
} equipment attached, to be sure that they are asleep when the ring
} bursts.  The players must have an ejaculation in the ninety minutes
} before applying the stamp ring.  The ejaculations are witnessed
} by medical personnel, but are not televised in the United States.
} There was once a cable station that had only sleepball programming.
} It was called the "sleepball station."  Sleep-ball never became a big
} sport in America, chiefly because of the efforts of anti-fur activists.
}
} You owe the Oracle a regulation sleepball.


660-02    (dhdf9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Let us suppose we could (and did) raise the mean (or median if it
> matters to the answer) educational level in the United States to, oh
> say post doctoral levels.  Who would serve us our Big Macs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Postal employees.


660-03    (8hmaa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have labored many many weary miles
> And suffered many pains so that I could get to a computer and pose to
> you this question, so please oh please great one, knowledgable one,
> one with undoubtably huge brain folds, tell me please:
>
> Why do men have nipples?
>
> pray tell.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} User Interface guidelines require them to have the same number and
} placement of controls as their counterparts, even though in their
} case these pushbuttons serve no function (and are therefore visibly
} disabled).
}
} You owe the Oracle a meaningful dialogue.


660-04    (2gsf6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Why does my computer keep getting slower and slower?
> Two years ago, it was the fastest machine around, and now,
> it's nearly the slowest. Where will it all end?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is little known law of nature that computing power is conserved.  As
} faster computers become available their computing power must come from
} somewhere. The computing power of your computer is sucked through the
} ether into the faster computers any time they are turned on.
} Consequently your computer runs slower.  When the Intel P6 comes out
} your computer should stop functioning entirely.  Conservation of
} computing is not limited to Intel family of processors.  For example,
} when Cray Research turned on their first supercomputer 90% of the
} TRS-80s slowed to a crawl, 34000 abicuses in China ceased to function
} and three math professors, an engineering professor and the Minneapolis
} offices of Cooper and Lybrandt became babbling idiots. You may have
} heard the Steven Jobs is halting production of the NeXT computers. This
} is because Apple started producing the PowerPC based computers and Jobs
} realized the NeXT would be hopelessly underpowered because of this and
} would never be competitive (and you thought it was bad marketing).
}
} You the Oracle a Pentium overdrive chip for his Z80.


660-05    (5fqh4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Which is fastest chip you can get for a 386?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The fastest chip for a 386 is of course the California HIghway
} Patrol'S Eric Estrada Chip.  It normally doesn't function over 55 MHZ
} except in pursuit mode when it can reach 120.
}
} More affordable is the Disney 386-Chip-and-Dale.  It functions well
} when chased by large talking ducks, but is often distracted when it
} smells nuts.
}
} Another consideration is the 386-Chip Douglas.  It is the fastest in
} the My-3-son's line of high performance chips, the Uncle Charlie
} being the lowest and surliest of the group.
}
} The Tony Randall Eagle-chip is also on the forefront of chip
} technology.
}
} --You owe the Oracle one order of Fish and Chips.  It's lunchtime.


660-06    (798et dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "oracle", you get "ac
> lore".  So do you know any tales about air conditioners?  (I'm really
> NOT interested in tales about California).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do you think alt.folklore.conditioners.air is for?? Cripes, I
} am *surrounded* by newbies!!  And don't *post* there, for God's sake,
} get the FAQ and **read it**!!!
} Actually, since the Oracle is in a good mood, I'll get it for you,
} but this time *only*!  Consider yourself extremely fortunate that I
} haven't zotted you in the jobs instead!  OK, here it is:
}
} *******************alt.folklore.conditioners.air*********************
} ******************Frequently Asked Questions File********************
}
} PLEASE read and commit to memory before even THINKING about posting
} to this group, you clueless newbie!!  Remember, Abraham Lincoln read
} this group for over 150 years before posting! Get a clue! And don't
} talk with your mouth full! And stop tracking mud accross my nice
} clean database!!
} This FAQ is available through anonymous ftp from
} acarchive.uselessinfo.ukshnooksville.edu.
} The following urban legends about air conditioners are rated by the
} following code:
}   T=100% scientific truth
}   Tb=believed true by superstitious idiots like yourself
}   F=100% false (includes 100% of what you were taught in grade school,
}     99.99% of what you were taught in high school, 90% of what you were
}     taught in college, 105% of what you read in the paper, and 100% of
}     any beliefs you have that give you hope and a reason to live)
}   Fb=false, but we think you'll buy it
}   S=too silly to even consider
}   Cypidh?=Can you prove it *didn't* happen??
} =====================================================================
} LEGENDS
} T=The air conditioner got its name from its inventor, Theodore "Lumpy"
}   Airconditioner.
} F=William McKinley was assassinated by having an air conditioner dropped
}   on his head (it was a humidifier).
} F=Millard Fillmore installed the first air conditioner in the White
}   House (no, he had a repairman do it).
} T=They had to install a special extra-powerful air conditioner in the
}   White House for William Howard Taft.
} T=A woman was in an air conditioner dealership when she suddenly
}   noticed Paul Newman standing next to her. She managed to leave the
}   dealership calmly, but then noticed that she forgot to take the air
}   conditioner she just bought. She went back into the store and asked
}   the clerk "Where's my air conditioner?" "In your purse, lady, where
}   you put it!" said Paul Newman.
} T=If you put an air conditioner in a microwave oven, it will explode.
} Tb=Sloppy person fails to replace air conditioner filters regularly.
}    Slug lays its eggs in air conditioner. Next summer, the air
}    conditioner makes strange noises. Repairman removes front of air
}    conditioner, is covered with baby slugs, one of which eats its way
}    into his brain.
} Fb=Housewife gets very hot doing housework on a hot summer day.
}    Considers doing housework in the nude, but finally decides to turn
}    on air conditioner instead. Meter reader arrives and says, "Your air
}    conditioner certainly makes your house pleasantly cool!"
} T=Captain James T. Kirk's middle name is "Air Conditioner".
} Tb=Old woman's dying wish is to be buried with her cat and her air
}    conditioner. The request is carried out. Three days later, the casket
}    is dug up for some reason, and it is discovered that the air
}    conditioner has eaten the cat.
} Cypidh?=Nigel Tufnel has an air conditioner that goes to 11.
} S=East German secret "bug" plant now makes air conditioners.
} Tb=World Trade Center air conditioner contains dead bodies of several of
}    the workers who built it.
} Fb=You can buy unused World War II vintage centra air conditioners from
}    the government for $50 each. They come unassembled, packed in grease.
} T=A professor at an air conditioning installation and repair trade
}   school once pushed an air conditioner into the classroom over the
}   transom.
} Tb=The Great Air Conditioner of China can be seen with the naked eye
}    from the moon.
} T=Dave Lennox is a hermaphrodite.
} Tb=If the air conditioner in your college dorm room breaks beyond
}    repair, you get "A's" in all your classes that semester.
} T=Cancer kid Craig Shergold wants to get into the Guiness Book of World
}   Records for owning the most air conditioners. Send in your air
}   conditioner immediately!
} T=Having an air conditioner go through your digestive system causes
}   cancer in lab rats.
} T=Albert Einstein's air conditioner did poorly in school.
} Fb=The FCC is considering putting a tax on air conditioners. Write your
}    congressman immediately!!
} T=Woman finds a small air conditioner by the side of the road while
}   vacationing in Mexico.  Smuggles it back to U.S. Takes it to
}   repairman, who tells her it's really a Mexican sewer rat with fresh,
}   minty breath.
} Tb=Putting a bottle of water on top of your air conditioner will keep
}    your dog from turning it on while you're not home.
} Fb=Johnny Carson broadcast a telephone number that people can call to
}    get free air conditioner repair.
} T=Man submitted water dripping from his air conditioner instead of urine
}   for a drug test.  Test showed he needed to have his filter changed.
} F=Lee Harvey Oswald's air conditioner acted alone.
} T=Paul is dead.
} Tb=John Dillinger's unusually large air conditioner is preserved in the
}    Smithsonian.
} T=Adolf Hitler had only one air conditioner.
} T=Richard Gere has a special custom-made air conditioner shaped like a
}   penis. He once had to go to the emergency room to have it removed from
}   his rectum.
} T=A woman once installed an air conditioner in her beehive hairdo. It
}   ate its way into her brain.
} =====================================================================
}
} You owe the oracle some factory air-conditioned air from our fully
} factory air condtioned factory.


660-07    (6cqg7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, whose wildly wacky witticisms wonder and wow the world's
> weirdest wombats.....
>
> Why are hot dogs sold in packages of ten while hot dog buns are only
> sold in packages of eight?  It's a real pain......

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well actually, when the hot dogs leave the factory there are only eight
} of them.  They just reproduce on the way.  Them suckers don't look
} like... well, you know... for nothing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ride in the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile.


660-08    (cehdb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> wefqwqwfqwfwef

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Still haven't figured out how to use your Clipper chip yet I take it.


660-09    (eofa4 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great creature of immense worldly knowledge...
>
> I ate too much of my dad's chili this winter, and I still have
> heartburn.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, poor supplicant, your dad used a chili recipe from the wrong book
} this year. No wonder you still have heartburn:
}
} 1/4 cup poisoned entrails
} 1 large toad
} 1 lb fenny snake fillet
} 1/8 lb newt eye
} 1/8 lb frog toe
} 1 tbsp bat wool
} 1/4 lb dog tongue
} 1/8 lb adder tongue
} 2 tsp blind-worm sting
} 1/2 lb lizard leg
} 1 tbsp howlet wing
} 1/3 cup dragon scale
} 1/4 lb wolf teeth
} 1 lb shark
} 2 tbsp hemlock
} 2 lb liver
} 1/2 lb goat gall-bladder
} 1 tbsp yew
} 1/4 lb nose
} 1/4 lb lips
} 1/8 lb finger
} 1/2 lb tiger
} 3 cups baboon blood
}
} Keep the large toad under a cold stone for a month, dig the hemlock
} root in the dark, buy the liver from a reform Jewish deli, and cut
} the yew during a lunar eclipse.
}
} When the cat mews 3 times and the hedgehog whines 4 times, boil the
} toad for 5 minutes in a charmed pot. Add the poisoned entrails and toad
} to a large cauldron. Boil for another 5 minutes, and then add the rest
} of the ingredients, except for the baboon blood, and stir well. Boil
} for 15 minutes and then remove from heat and add the baboon blood.
}
} This is the recipe your dad should have used:
}
} 2 lbs dry pinto beans
} 1/2 lb salt pork
} 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
} 5 jalepeno peppers
} 10 garlic cloves
} 2 medium onions
} 1 tbsp salt
} 3 tbsp chili powder
} 1 tbsp cumin
} 2 tsp oregano
}
} Soak the beans overnight. Chop the cilantro and onions, and cut the
} pork into small pieces. Mix all the ingredients and bring to a boil.
} Once boiling, turn the heat to low and let cook all day.
}
} I suggest that you seek medical attention immediately, and advise your
} dad to be more careful in the future.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Bill Can Cook!"


660-10    (agv82 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just had a disturbing thought, Mr. Oracle:
>
> Since vegetarians eat vegetables, shouldn't the human population be
> worried about humanitarians?
>
> A humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps they should. But long before humanity is faced with that
} particular threat (in 2267, to be exact -- see Hobart & Schultz's
} _History, Part II_, Chapter XLVII: "To Serve Mankind") they will have
} to deal with many more imminent dangers. A brief timeline:
}
} 2007: Religious strife reaches a new peak as members of some religious
} factions resort to physically consuming members of disagreeing
} factions. (see H & S, Chapter VII: "The New Sectarianism").
}
} 2049: The already-fragmented Sword-Swallowers Alliance (which has kept
} an uneasy peace for thirty years) is torn apart utterly when the ruling
} Pin-Swallowers' Guild (known to history as the "pinheads") are attacked
} by combined force of fishhook- and harpoon-swallowers (see H & S, Ch.
} XII: "Barbarians at the Gates").
}
} 2077-2179: The Golden Century of Humanity -- built upon the rubble left
} from the chaos which preceded it, this biotechnologically advanced
} civilization collapses almost overnight when famine drives starving
} mobs to eat the contents of their own Petri dishes (see H & S, Ch.
} XXXI: "The Agrarian Revolution").
}
} 2193: The Powers That Be make a vain attempt to re-establish order,
} but famine strikes again, and a three-way civil war results (see H & S,
} Ch. XLI: "Establishmentarianism, Disestablishmentarianism, and
} Antidisestablishmentarianism").
}
} You owe the Oracle a black horse, and some grain (a penny a measure).


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