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Internet Oracularities #662

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662, 662-01, 662-02, 662-03, 662-04, 662-05, 662-06, 662-07, 662-08, 662-09, 662-10


Usenet Oracularities #662    (77 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 11 Jul 1994 07:41:32 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   662
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

662   77 votes 3ptg4 3prh5 2croc 3gpmb 4hwg8 cdkkc bur54 9jue5 cdlid cold7
662   3.0 mean  2.9   2.9   3.4   3.3   3.1   3.1   2.5   2.8   3.1   2.7


662-01    (3ptg4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great & Wise Oracle:
> I have heard that Revenge is a dish best served cold.  But shall I
> serve it with a nice Bordeaux, or perhaps a Sauterne?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In this day and age, few can afford to serve revenge as a main course.
} The average person is lucky if he or she can get away with serving
} Revenge A La Mode as a light dessert without being dragged into court
} and bankrupted.  Your guests will no doubt be shocked to see such an
} expensive delicacy served in such abundance.  I recommend you serve it
} only for dinner, never for lunch, and always with red wine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Budweiser, a sawed-off shotgun, fifty
} rounds, and a pickup truck.


662-02    (3prh5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh most wise Oracle:
>
> What will happen at LemurCon '94?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 2pm Wed   President Clinton will show up to give the opening address
}           and find nobody home.
}
} 2am Thu   President Clinton will fail to show up for the opening
}           address. The organizers will scramble to find a nocturnal
}           celebrity. They'll manage to get Jack Hanna to say a few
}           words; he'll say he was having trouble sleeping anyway, but
}           in fact he really digs lemurs.
}
} 2:30am    "Discrimination Against Lemurs and Other Nocturnal Animals by
}           Government and Industry."  Organizations continue to insist
}           on daytime working hours despite evidence that it increases
}           fatigurelated accidents and exacerbates rush hour congestion
}           on highways.
}
} 3:30am    Lunch and tree-climbing break.  The National Arboretum is
}           just up the street from the hotel.
}
} 4am       "Living With A Tail Impairment."  Tail-impaired lemurs will
}           answer questions and dispel myths about tree-climbing,
}           discrimination, and societal acceptance.
}
} 5am       "Lemur Action Plan for 1995."  Long-term plans for rallies,
}           marches, and protests will be discussed.  Lessons learned
}           from the Midnight March on Washington which failed to attract
}           any significant media attention will be discussed.
}
} 6am       Tree-climbing break.  Avoid the pear tree; it'll dump you.
}
} 7am       Reception in the Jungle Room with furry entertainment.  Drew
}           Barrymore will wander down in a bathrobe looking for coffee.
}           Don't miss it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a detailed map of Madagascar.


662-03    (2croc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me something about the covered bridge area of Indiana.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, in certain regions of Indiana, they like to do things their own
} way -- they never go on Daylight Savings Time, they don't participate
} in cow tipping (preferring the much more manly sport of bull tipping),
} and instead of the standard American game of contract bridge, they play
} a variant called covered bridge, so called because nobody gets to see
} his/her own cards during the bidding (this cuts down on the problems
} of covert signalling). A typical hand:
}
}                    North: ?
}                           ?
}                           ?
}       East: ?             ?           West: ?
}             ?                               ?
}             ?                               ?
}             ?      South: ?                 ?
}                           ?
}                           ?
}                           ?
}
} The bidding:     North     East        South      West
}                  Pass      1 Club      Double     4 Spades
}                  Pass      Pass        Pass       4 No Trump
}                  Pass      6 Diamonds  Pass       Pass
}                  Pass      Pass
}
} East starts by bidding one club, reasoning that since there are only
} four suits and he has thirteen cards, he's bound to have clubs of some
} kind. South doubles, reasoning that he is just as likely to have clubs
} as East is. West, in response to South's double, decides that he had
} better get out of clubs, and decides to try for game in spades.
} The three subsequent passes give him no additional information,
} so he bids the usual 4 notrump to ask East how many aces he has.
} East's response, under the Modified Blackwood Convention, means
} "How the hell should I know how many aces I have?", and thus East and
} West end up in a small slam diamond contract. (Subsequent play showed
} North to have a total of 37 points, so E/W did not make this contract,
} but it was generally agreed that the bidding had been well-played
} anyway).
}
} You owe the Oracle a penny a point.


662-04    (3gpmb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was Christianity made up by some (very intelligent) community leaders a
> long time ago to try to scare people into acting civilized?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all - it was actually invented to dispose of surplus
} population and keep the lions fed. Here are some other religions
} and how they got started:
}
}  Buddhism:   This was begun as a publicity campaign for Orangina,
}              later being hijacked by the Tango group.
}
}  Norse:      The Vikings started this one as an excuse to go out at
}              nights, drink too much ale, get into fights and wake
}              up next morning somewhere in Britain, France (or in
}              extreme cases, Greenland) with no idea of how you got
}              there or who the woman asleep next to you is.
}
}  Catholic:   A variant of Christianity launched by the Mafia. It's
}              teachings include the amassing of wealth and power.
}
}  Protestant: Another variant, which releases it's followers from
}              the strict rules of the original, providing "they are
}              moved by the spirit", including sodomy, women father
}              figures and clapping during sermons.
}
}  Marxism:    A "reductio ad absurdum" begun during rag week at a
}              religious seminary. It was intended to show the
}              fundamental flaws in all religions, but ended up as a
}              sort of "non-religion" itself.
}
}  Aztec:      Initially intended as a way to get a guilt-free
}              suntan, the Aztec religion became distorted by the
}              Incas, who demonstrated that lying naked on top of a
}              Ziggurat was simply too tempting.
}
}  Druidism:   A "crop-circle" prank which got out of hand.
}
}  Satanism:   Began as a circle of pigeon fanciers, encountering
}              problems when one of the members produced a black
}              cockerel and went from bad to worse.
}
}  Jehovahs
}  Witnesses:  A joke which nobody has got yet.
}
}  Seventh Day
}  Adventists: This one was actually started by God, but
}              unfortunately He wrote the wrong date in his filofax.
}              The followers are unwilling to change their name to
}              the Seventh Millenium Adventists.
}
} Hopefully this will clear up any doubts you may have.


662-05    (4hwg8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most glorious Oracle, our Beacon of Wisdom, Enlightener of the
> Unworthy, the world's Lighthouse of Great Knowledge, the One of the
> really bright and shiny teeth (talk about pearlly white!), I beseech
> you.
>
> I have recently noticed that Your Pearls of Wisdom are numbered, O most
> glorious One.  This unworthy and humble supplicant craves an answer to
> a question (if you would spare me a moment, O Beacon of Wisdom):  What
> happens after digest 665 is published?  O Enlightener of the Unworthy,
> I pray thee, guide us away from the rocks of ignorance, O Lighthouse of
> Great Knowledge!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ------ Begin forwarded message ----------
} From: bbub@hell.com <Bael Z. Bub, VP of Flies>
} Subject: Memo: Ongoing Legal Action
} To: legal-dept@hell.com
} cc: other-devine@hell.com
}
} It has come to our attention that a competing agency, Oracle
} and Associates, of Indiana, USA is planning to use a registered
} trademark of our firm for its own purposes.  As the use of our
} symbol, the trademarked "Number of the Beast," by this agency would
} be detrimental to its value to us as a trademark, this action must
} be prevented.
}
} It is clear that Oracle and Associates, through its actions to provide
} truth and enlightenment to the mortal world, is acting in direct
} opposition to our own purposes.  Therefore, opposition of this agency
} forwards the corporate objectives in two ways:
} (1) Protects the value of corporate trademarks.
} (2) Hinders the distribution of competing product.
}
} The legal department is therefore directed to take appropriate legal
} action to prevent Oracle and Associates use of corporate
} trademarks.  Further, the department shall take advantage of its
} considerable staff resources to bring additional entangling
} suits against the Oracle to court.
}
} BZB
} -------- End forwarded message ---------
}
} My response started out, "If you try to get us in court, you'll
} rot in ..." but I don't think they got it.  I'm sure we'll work
} something out, but you may notice a slight delay in service.
}
} You owe the oracle a "twinkie defense" for the omniscient.


662-06    (cdkkc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the temperature outside so hot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 19:03:23 -0500
} From: MAILER-DEMON@styx.hell.org (Mail Delivery Subsystem)
} Subject: Returned mail: Unauthorized Address
} Message-Id: <199405250003.AA18004@styx.hell.org>
} To: supplicant@lakeoffire.hell.org
} Cc: satin@hell.org
}
} Attn: email user - external email access denied.  If access
} required please contact any of the thousands of unix system
} administrators avilable to serve you here.


662-07    (bur54 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, whose being transcends all physical
> limitations and who can eat a whole box of Oreos without gaining an
> ounce, please tell me...
>
> Why is it that I haven't eaten anything for 4 days and I still haven't
> lost any weight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, finally.  A question that does not require ZOTing!
}
} It is because you need to go into a lower gravity environment, such as
} the Moon.  On the moon, you lose 5/6 of your weight!  Another good
} place to try would be the next space shuttle mission (if you pay them
} enough, they will take you up there and launch you for $100,000,000 per
} gram).  That will lower your weight to virtually zero!  Of course, that
} does nothing about your mass.
}
} To lower your mass, you must move.  Sitting at a terminal for 4 days
} will not move you enough to lose mass.  Try swimming, if the weather is
} nice. Or running, if the weather is nice.  Or maybe just walking, if
} the weather is nice.  Of course, you're out of luck if the weather
} isn't nice.  Try swimming in your toilet, running around your kitchen
} table, or walking endlessly though your house.  Those are good ways to
} get on a more enduring regiment, since most mental facilities have
} manditory excercise programs.


662-08    (9jue5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle
> Burning bright
> In the darkness of the night
> what immortal hand or eye
> lit the match that made you fry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Born out of a primordial pool of light
} The Oracle divided from the night
} And down the celestial path it wended
} ZOT! Foolish mortal, your life is ended.


662-09    (cdlid dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, pitiful Earthling. We have just landed on your nasty little
> planet. Can you give us one good reason why we should not destroy
> it immediately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rice Krispie treats.


662-10    (cold7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> True or False?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I _told_ you, I will not be forced into choosing between two incorrect,
} over-simplified answers!  Either you let me explain it completely or
} I'm leaving right now.  These psychological tests are a load of crap!


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