[IO]
Internet Oracle
26 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:46:01 GMT

Internet Oracularities #663

Goto:
663, 663-01, 663-02, 663-03, 663-04, 663-05, 663-06, 663-07, 663-08, 663-09, 663-10


Usenet Oracularities #663    (74 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 13 Jul 1994 09:33:27 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   663
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

663   74 votes apje6 agsj1 aktc3 atka5 5kud6 8hpj5 6klgb 26ppg 37okk 4lpl3
663   3.0 mean  2.7   2.8   2.7   2.6   2.9   2.9   3.1   3.6   3.6   3.0


663-01    (apje6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, great and wise, this question has long plagued me:
>
> Why is a raven like a writing desk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A raven is a bird, much like a sparrow.
} Sparrow rhymes with wheelbarrow.
} A wheelbarrow has only one wheel.
} A unicycle also has only one wheel.
} At Harvey Mudd College, computer-science nerds often ride unicycles.
} Harvey Mudd College is very difficult to get in to.
} The preceding sentence, although correct, ended with a preposition.
} Most grammar experts dislike sentences that end with prepositions.
} Most grammar experts write frequently.
} It is much easier to write if one has a surface to write upon.
} The writing desk is one such surface.
}
} Note that the preceding set of statements prove nothing... they are
} merely for your edification and elucidation.
}
} A raven is like a writing desk because God decreed it to be so.  Quoth
} the scripture:
}
} "And behold, this shall be a law unto you for all time: take the raven,
} yea, even the raven of thy youth, and render it undo the priest, that
} he may have the raven and find favor in my sight.  And lo: he shall
} take the raven, and hold it before the assembled congregation, and
} proclaim unto all that it beareth a distinct resemblance to a writing
} desk.  And ever after, at any sacred convocation, each member of the
} congregation shall behold the sacred raven, and remark unto his fellow
} that it looketh strikingly like a writing desk."
}                                           ---Incompetents, 4:16-4:19
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as jzimmerman@cmcvax.claremont.edu) one
} of Lewis Carrol's books on logic.


663-02    (agsj1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you're so wise and experienced, I'm sure you've been in this
> position before:
>
> My nuts are siezed, what can I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Try using WD-40.  If that doesn't work, try a wench (errr..
} wrench).


663-03    (aktc3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mystical Oracle, whose day camps for grownups are the most innovative
> in the world, please tell me:
>
> As I've read your Oracularities, I've noticed that your priests and
> priestesses have cool and bizarre-sounding names such as "Carole S.
> Fungaroli" and "The Wumpus" and "Leo (Bols Ewhac) Schwab" and
> "Darkmage".  Do you select your priesthood on the basis of their names?
> Or do you make them change their names when they enter the priesthood?
>
> A Humble Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   As with a lesser religous order, where upon elevation the priests
} change their names (e.g. John Cardinal O' Connor), my priest also
} change their names.  It is lesser known that they are also required to
} get a full body tattoo of my likeness and sacrifice one major organ
} when elevated to the priesthood.
}
} You owe the Oracle Carole S. Fungaroli's pancreas.  She has been
} delinquent in her dues.


663-04    (atka5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O sporting Oracle, who can leap tall microwave towers in a single
> bound, who is more powerful than a loco chipmunk, who is faster than a
> speeding TCP/IP packet, please tell me:
>
> There exists a miraculous substance known as Ben-Gay, which is
> advertised as a "pain relieving rub." The idea is that you rub it into
> your sore muscles and it somehow warms them up. I tried this stuff on
> my arm, and it seemed to me that it didn't do anything to warm it. But
> I noticed a mild yet distinct itchy sensation, which I suppose is their
> idea of "soothing warmth." What's the deal? Do Methyl Salicylate (15%)
> and Menthol (10%) produce heat, or just an itchy sensation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No wonder you didn't feel any warmth! You are not applying it corectly!
} The fact is that Methyl Salicylate (15%) and Menthol (10%) don't
} produce anything but an annoying itch and are only there so that the
} manufacturer can claim to have "active ingrediants". The trick to
} useing Ben-Gay effectivly is to have a member of the opposit sex
} (preferably an atractive one) rub it into your acheing muscles. That is
} what produces the healing warmth assosiated with this product.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rubdown and a tube of Ben-Gay.


663-05    (5kud6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Mighty Oracle who never has ring around the collar,
>
>     How does one become an Oracle Priest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One doesn't BECOME an Oracle Priest, one is BORN to it. Look at Rich
} McGee. His credentials were established when as a baby he rejected his
} mother's left breast for incorrect spelling and grammar. Michael
} Atkinson proved himself chosen when he disowned two of his offspring
} for quoting his own genetic material within themselves. Scott Forbes
} was hired on the spot by a band of Priestly Talent Spotters who found
} the words "selected by Scott Forbes" on undigested corn kernals. Carole
} S. Fungaroli found true destiny when the local greengrocers claimed
} that Carole invariably chose the worst cabbages. Leo Schwab was noticed
} buying a copy of the "Weekly World News", claiming that originality was
} far more important than accuracy. Finally, Joshua Poulson refused to
} listen to any music by Lisa Stansfied, Lisa Minelli, or Lisa Lisa.
}
} You owe The Oracle an automated spell checker, ZOT filter, and
} de-Lisafier.


663-06    (8hpj5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, purveyor of power tools, thou who hast
> achieved the enlightened state of cordlessness:
>
> Last week I bought a new key for my drill, as I had
> lost the old one and found myself in the sad position
> of being unable to change bits.  The package gave
> detailed instructions on how to test and calibrate
> this new addition to my workbench.
>
> "To test," it said, "chuck key with drill.  Remove;
> chuck key through back of package."
>
> I followed these instructions meticulously, placing
> the key in my drill and chucking them together as far
> as I could.  I then removed the key from the drill
> and attempted to chuck it back into the package
> through the hole in the rear.  I was unable to do this,
> however, as the hole was a very tight fit and my aim was
> poor.
>
> I decided to use the key anyway, even though it had
> failed the test.  I had hardly put a new bit in the
> drill and pulled the trigger, when smoke started pouring
> out of the drill's casing and it stopped working.
>
> What can I do now?  My drill doesn't work, and I need
> more holes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           The type of chuck possible for testing and calibrating your
}           key are numerous.  After all, in form you could use an
}           underhand chuck, an overhand chuck, or even a "shot put"
}           chuck.  Each of these chuck has different consequences and
}           can affect the finals results.
}
}           The Oracle suggests you make sure that you did the proper
}           chuck.  If you were planning on drilling metal, or a
}           similarly hard substance, then you should have used the
}           metal chuck.  If, on the other hand, you wanted to drill
}           some type of lumber, you would need to use the woodchuck.


663-07    (6klgb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, master of all phases  of matter!
>
> Answer me this:  You put bread in a toaster, a couple minutes goes by,
> then toast pops up, but where does the bread go and the toast come
> from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite simple. The toaster eats the bread, and the toast is the
} toaster's...  Well, you understand.


663-08    (26ppg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O  omnicient orifice of openly opulent oracleness:
>
> Where can I find the perfect man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle refers you to Ora-Mart, One Stop Meta-Shopping.
}
} Client: Where can I find the perfect man?
}
} Clerk:  I assume you're looking for some sort of companion?  May I
}         suggest this cat?
}
} Client: I was hoping for a man.
}
} Clerk:  Well I do have Simon here in stock, but he's not exactly
}         perfect. People keep returning him with complaints.
}
} Client: What do you mean?
}
} Clerk:  Well, he smells.
}
} Client: (sniff.) So he does.  What is that, his feet?
}
} Clerk:  Yes, I'm afraid.  We're trying to respond to these complaints
}         with a new model, perhaps you'd be interested?
}
} Client: Of course.  Didn't you hear me?  Man. One. Perfect. To go.
}
} Clerk:  Well, to get rid of the smell, we removed the sweat glands.
}
} Client: An improvement.
}
} Clerk:  Yes, but then he couldn't do any work without overheating and
}         breaking down.  People complained.  Seems they want him to "lift
}         a finger to help out around the place" or something like that.
}         So, we replaced the internal organs with a combustion engine,
}         exhaust system, and optional air-conitioning.
}
} Client: Hmmm, so now he'll lift a finger?
}
} Clerk:  Well, there was the problem of him idling all day watching
}         baseball or some other sport on the television.  So, we removed
}         the eyes and replaced them with halogen headlamps.  An improve-
}         ment, I'm sure you'll agree, but he still managed to tune the
}         radio to idle and listen to sport.  So, we removed the ears and
}         installed a CD/Cassette/FM radio.  Now you can tune him to suit
}         your needs.
}
} Client: Doesn't sound very nice in bed?  I mean, what's left to curl up
}         with at night?
}
} Clerk:  Well, the whole love thing has presented a problem to our
}         engineers and marketing staff.  We installed bucket seats that
}         recline and have fully automated controls; they actually can
}         caress you, and with enough fiddling around you can get a half-
}         decent backrub.  Of course, the biggest complaint in this love
}         category we got was that he either didn't communicate or wasn't
}         around to talk to.
}
} Client: Can you fix that?
}
} Clerk:  Well, we installed a parking brake and this set of gauges that
}         indicate his internal state in an easy-to-read format.  Turns
}         out there wasn't much to report, after all.  Hunger, beer
}         pressure, is my fly open? That kind of thing.
}
} Client: Amazing.  What's that red light that never goes off?
}
} Clerk:  That's indicates whether he's thinking about sex; it went out
}         once in 1987, I'm told.  Of course it's meaningless until the
}         green light comes on, indicating "I have the energy to do some-
}         thing about it."
}
} Client: Hmmm... seems like a car.
}
} Clerk:  Well, yes, um, it... well, yes it does seem like a car...
}
} Client: What's left of the man part?
}
} Clerk:  Well, it changes its own oil.
}
} Client: I'll take the cat.
}
} Clerk:  May I interest you in some seedless corn or free money?
}
} Client: Just the cat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a factory rebate and a free test drive.


663-09    (37okk dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All knowing and all wise Oracle, can you tell me how I can lose weight
> quickly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.


663-10    (4lpl3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, please tell me:
>
> How can I make a clean, efficient energy source for my house, using
> just the following materials:
> 4 toothpicks
> 3 rubber bands
> A tube of crazy glue
> An orange
> 20 feet of speaker wire
> A thighmaster
> 138 blue crayons

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           With those materials, it is possible to make an
}           inexhaustable energy source.  Simply dig a shallow trench,
}           and run the speaker wire from your fuse box to your
}           neighbors.  Very simple, no?
}
}           "But wait!" you might say, "What if my neigbhor finds out
}           and seems dissatisfied with this arrangement?"  Well, you're
}           right.  That COULD be a rub.  Try explaining to him that the
}           All Knowing, All Seeing, and Mostly Ineffable Oracle
}           instructed you to do it.  This may work, but if he is an
}           unbeliever, you will have to take more drastic steps.
}           Carefully explain to him that if it is the Oracles will, the
}           wire will be removed.
}
}           Find a nice secluded spot in your neighbors basement near
}           the fuse box.  Compress the thighmaster, and hold it in this
}           position with 2 of the rubberbands, pinned down with
}           toothpicks (If you were a blasphemer, you might ask how
}           this was possible, but I know that you are not).  Next,
}           place the crayons on the top leaf of the thighmaster,
}           carefully coating each with crazy glue.  Finally, place the
}           orange on the fuse box and connect the last rubberband to it
}           and one of the toothpicks that pin the other two rubberbands
}           down.  This should be sufficient.  When he gets tired of
}           waiting for the Oracle, and goes down to take matters into
}           his own hands, listen carefully.  Your hard work and
}           devotion to the Oracle should be rewarded with a cry of
}           surprise as he finds himself pelted with blue crayons which
}           stick with the tenacity of a mongoose on a cobra.  At this
}           point, rush down, express your sorrow, and say, in your most
}           reverent voice "Ineffable is the Will of the Oracle."
}           Explain to him that THIS, if nothing else, should make it
}           clear that HE is your clean, efficient energy source.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org