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Internet Oracularities #664

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Usenet Oracularities #664    (75 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 08:56:32 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   664
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

664   75 votes aloh3 dfol2 lnk83 coqb2 28guj bvla2 1kilf 7yjb4 7iz87 lqgb1
664   2.8 mean  2.8   2.8   2.3   2.6   3.7   2.5   3.4   2.6   2.9   2.3


664-01    (aloh3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now listen carefully, I'm only going to say this once..
>
> We have the girl.   We want 10 US$ cash or she's dead.
>
> Be at the phone booth on 7th Ave and Bumblebud St at 17:34:31 tomorrow.
>
> And remember, no police, or she's birdfood..  mwha-ha-ha-ha-ha.....
>
> [.sig deleted -ed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, you should know better than to threaten the Oracle, you
} losers. "Bird food"? Puh-leez.
}
} Second of all, you left your .sig on your ransom note. Not too bright,
} are we? I have already taken steps to freeze your assets in most
} civilized countries. I'm not sure if your native South Africa is
} included in that list this week. BTW, I've taken steps to speed
} President Mandela's recovery. The Oracle is capable of many wonderful
} things, but net.terrorism will not be tolerated!
}
} But I'm a sporting Oracle today, and I offer the following:
} |====================================================================|
} |//$\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//$\\|
} |(10 )==================| FEDERAL RESERVE NOTE |================( 10)|
} |\\$//                  `------========--------'                \\$//|
} |<< /        /$\              // ____ \\                         \ >>|
} |>>|  12    //L\\            // ///..) \\         T2600A2600P  12 |<<|
} |<<|        \\ //           || <||  >\  ||                        |>>|
} |>>|         \$/            ||  $$ --/  ||            Ten         |<<|
} |<<|     T2600A2600P        *\\  |\_/  //* series                 |>>|
} |>>|  12                     *\\/___\_//*   1994                  |<<|
} |<<\      Treasurer     _____/Washington\_______     Secretary 12 />>|
} |//$\                 `|UNITED STATES OF AMERICA|'               /$\\|
} |(10 )======================= TEN DOLLARS ======================( 10)|
} |====================================================================|
}
} Don't spend it all in one place.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent question. Too many easy ones this week.


664-02    (dfol2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, thou who is so wise that thou can learn every single new
> language that appears on the scene and still have time left over to
> actually do something.
>
> I'm doing a lot of work on my program, and it's becoming more
> functional. But, at the same time, it's getting shorter. How can this
> be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mister Gates,
}
} Less is more. Keep working on NT, and soon you'll have CP/M.
}
} You owe the Oracle more, so you'll have less.


664-03    (lnk83 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Dear Oracle,
> Grant me a boon.
> It's raining outside,
> and my brain has no room.
>
> My friend moved away,
> and I feel such a wreck.
> Emotions are peaking
> because of her trek.
>
> The point of this limrick,
> is coming to queue.
> No loss for words
> but that's nothing new.
>
> My quest for an answer,
> is on bended knee.
> I beg and beseech you,
> and also I plead.
>
> Most knowledgeable one,
> my question is this.
> (though lengthy in form,
> this is not a twist.)
>
> Why do such things hurt,
> without physical pain.
> When without a doubt,
> tis the other's gain?
>
> With much thanks and groveling,
> I send in this form.
> May your breezes be gentle,
> and light at the dawn.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle finds himself deeply and profoundly moved by your
} beautifully poetic query.  Unfortunately, he's now bawling his eyes out
} in the corner, and thus I, the Oracular butler, will attempt to answer
} your question.
}
} Well, supplicant, the truth is that this sort of thing happens
} because..... um....  DAMN!  Orrie?  Hey, Orrie?  (muted sobs are heard
} in the background)
}
} Er... well... just 'cuz!
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as jzimmerman@cmcvax.claremont.edu) a
} new hanky, and a polite request that he give his household staff more
} vacation time.


664-04    (coqb2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What new movie should I see?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Walk into your favorite video rental establishment. Select one or two
} cassettes at random from each section. Walk to the middle of the store
} and throw the heap into the air, preferably directly under a
} functioning ceiling fan. Select the three that land the farthest away.
} Take these three to the checkout stand and proceed to rent them. It is
} not recommended that you try this technique more than twice a week for
} any given store.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good method of selecting new kitchen appliances.


664-05    (28guj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of the wise Oracles, please answer this question:
>
> Why are there so many "flame wars" in the usenet newsgroups?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The history of flame wars go farther back than the Usenet itself does.
} Historical evidence conclusively shows that wherever the written word
} existed on a multipersonal level, flame wars have existed. A brief
} counter-chronological view:
}
} 1970s: In wake of a fledgeling telecomputing society, the emergence of
} local BBSs began. On the Gandalf's Den Tandy CoCo board in Cincinatti,
} OH, this began:
}
}       Killer Karl: "Man, the President sucks."
}       Frodo: "Shut up, Karl! Your mother sucks this year and every
}         year, and she puts out for bus tokens!"
}
} 1920s: Radio is pioneered and commercialized, giving rise to a
} fledgeling radio market that would soon become known as HAM radio. We
} started to hear things like:
}
}       Bob: Man, the President sucks. Over.
}       Joe: No they don't! And if you want to talk about sucking, YOU
}         suck the milk crud off Kaiser Wilhelm's mustache... (remainder
}         of tirade edited for brevity)
}       (The FCC would be founded later.)
}
} 1890s: The birth of two important milestones in the history of flame
} wars: the public bathroom and the ball-point pen. Thus:
}
}       "Teddy Roosevelt is a snit."
}       "Snit this, you redneck Know-Nothing"
}       "You boys just finish your necessaries, and move along."
}       "Who are you, pretty-boy? Some kind of English limpwrist?"
}       And so on.
}
} 1770s: Newspapers become an important part of colonial America. Editors
} began expressing partisan opinions.
}
}       Editor: "The king is a snit!"
}       Letter to the Editor: "Ye jelly-testicled revolutionist half-wit!
}         The king is NOT a snit!"
}       Letter to the Letter writer: "Get ye off his case, ye Tory
}         highbrow gutter whore! Snits do not come bigger than the King!"
}       Et. Cie
}
} 10 B.C.s: The birth of religious flame wars began. Despite rampant
} illiteracy and scarcity of paint brushes, flamers still found ways to
} paint on doctor's offices:
}
}       "Thou shouldst not abort thine fetuses!"
}       "Get thee hence, fanatic! Wouldst that thy mother would have
}         aborted thee!"
}       And so on.
}
} 1,000,000 B.C.s: Technically, the written word didn't exist yet, but
} there were still flames.
}
}       Og: (picture of well-endowed caveman killing a mastodon.)
}       Zug: (picture of same well-endowed caveman doing naughty things
}         under a mastodon).
}       Og: (picture of same well-endowed caveman strangling the life out
}         of another ill-endowed caveman for painting dirty things about
}         him).
}
} In short, supplicant, your answer is: Flame wars go way back. And
} they'll probably be around in a different incarnation sometime in the
} near future.
}
}       Marius X-127: *The universal emperor is a snit.*
}       Jacob Z-774: *Oh, good one, limpbrain. Who let you on the Free
}         Floating Telepathic Matrix with an IQ of only 305? Somebody
}         feel sorry for you in the acceptance hearing?*
}
} You owe the Oracle a ball point pen and a roll of toilet paper.


664-06    (bvla2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, the hairs of whose beard I am unworthy to floss with,
> please grant me but the tiniest pearl of your great wisdom.  And not
> one of those cheap imitation pearls -- I want one of the good ones!
>
> When will the UAW strike against Caterpillar end so that I can stop
> driving over an hour to work 12 hour days seven days a week in a
> factory and typing on this clunky old grease covered vt100 terminal
> when I should be sipping coffee in my nice office which is only minutes
> from home while I type out my e-mail on my HP 9000/735 unix box with
> the 17" color monitor which is larger than my TV set at home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd be happy to answer this question for you.  The UAW strike against
} Caterpillar will end on--*sudden burst of gunfire*  What are YOU people
} doing in here?  Aaaagh!  No, honestly, I wasn't going to give the
} correct day!  You can't do this to a fount of wis*static**********


664-07    (1kilf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise on, please tell me of strange foreign customs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The only three things you need to know anywhere in the world are:
}
} (i) What to eat
} (ii) Where to sleep
} (iii) How to get laid
}
} Here's a list for a number of foreign countries you may visit.
}
} CHINA
} -----
} (i) Check the dust behind the shop. If you find any animal tracks
} bigger that 5" across, order a bowl of plain rice.
} (ii) Pagodas are not advised for those with a tendancy to sleepwalk on
} the roof.
} (iii) Say "Coca Cola" to each attractive member of the opposite sex you
} meet. There's bound to be some part of China where it's written with
} characters meaning "kiss me quick".
}
} BRAZIL
} -----
} (i) Despite what you may have read in Papillion, not all that bad.
} (ii) Very difficult at the best of times and completely impossible
} during the Mardi Gras. Scientists in Rio are now working on a new form
} of ear plug claimed to filter out 98% of the sound of a guiro. Ecstatic
} whooping remains an open area in earplug research.
} (iii) No difficulties should present themselves, especially during the
} Mardi Gras. But you should prepare first. Start training by building up
} to 100 situps each morning, followed by a 10 mile run, and five hours
} of aerobics. Then, get REALLY fit before you even dare step on the
} plane.
}
} UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
} ------------------------
} (i) Despite what you learnt in noodle-shops in Japan, it is NOT good
} manners in America to drink the fat from your plate after eating.
} (ii) American guest houses are the friendliest in the world. Upon
} arriving you will be welcomed as if you are long lost family. The next
} day you will take their freckled son "Brad" to a baseball game. Don't
} get concerned when the team is three runs down in the last innings with
} two outs and loaded bases, Brad will hit a home run. Always remember to
} leave your name and address with the guest house so that they can leave
} you someting in their will.
} (iii) Look for girl with a flash car whining "Daddieeee Daddieee
} PLEEEAZE!" into mobile phone. Walk by pretending to be emotionally
} crippled, as learnt from observing Woody Allen movies. Prepare to hold
} onto nearest lampost for dear life.
}
} SAUDI ARABIA
} ------------
} (i) Goatsmilk yogurt, goatsmilk cheese, curdled goatsmilk pie,
} McGoatsmilk, Kentucky fried Goatsmilk, Goatsmilk pizza. What more could
} you ask for?
} (ii) On first arrival it may appear that there are plentiful tents
} unattended in the streets. Do not attempt to enter one of these tents,
} her husband may get angry.
} (iii) Get in taxi. Ask for airport. Specify destination of 'home'. Look
} up old girlfriend.
}
} THAILAND
} --------
} (i) "Gosh I'm glad we came to Thailand this year. That Indian food was
} so hot it brought me out in a sweat. Hmmm. This looks nice
} YEOOOWWW!!!!!"
} (ii) Not advisable until after your recently acquired partner has left
} the room, WITHOUT your wallet.
} (iii) You will go to a bar. A young thing will sit on your lap. She
} will show you her breasts. Do NOT look at the breasts, this is a
} diversionary measure. Look at her crotch. If it bulges, run for the
} hills.
}
} You owe The Oracle twelve gallons of bottled water, an inflatable
} sleeping bag, and some prophy.... erm, you get the picture.


664-08    (7yjb4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh Oracle, nameless faceless omniscient entity that you are,
>     please tell me, if the RICH get RICHER and the POOR get POORER
>     then why is there a middle class?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Seeker,
}
} Just in case you have not noticed, and I will assume from your question
} that you have not, there is no middle class in America. There are the
} rich and there are the poor. That is all. Since the status of rich or
} poor is solely self-defined, people will choose one extreme or another
} when describing their plight. Radio show pundits have repeatedly stated
} that the tax burden always falls squarely on the middle class; who
} would want that? When asked for money, most folks reply that they are
} poor. When watching news programs about Haiti, they suddenly decide
} that they are rich. No matter who you are (with the possible exception
} of Bill Gates) you could always be richer. No matter who you are (with
} the possible exception of Johnny Carson on alimony day) you could
} always be poorer.
}
} Incidentally, it is the RICH get RICH and the POOR get CHILDREN.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Monopoly set, a loan from the Arkansas Development
} and Finance Authority ($2.85 million in small bills), and a copy of
} _Small is Beautiful_.
}
} Penny-wise and pound-foolish,
} The Oracle (incarnating as DrNucleus@AOL.COM)


664-09    (7iz87 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle:
>
>       My BungeeWok (tm) got here today. Now that I have it, how does it
> *work*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your BungeeWok (tm) is a sophisticated recreational and cooking device.
} Here are the instructions:
}
} Provide vegetables, diced meat, spices and a Chinese recipe, Grand
} Canyon, charcoal.
}
} Go to Grand Canyon.
} Put ingrediants in the top part of the BungeeWok.
} Put the charcoal in the bottom part.
} Light the Charcoal.
} Tie the red strap to your sneaker.
} Tie the blue strap to a tree.
} Run into the Canyon.
}
} If done properly, the bungee cord will stop your fall, the top
} compartment will fly open, the cooked food will spew into your mouth
} (note, make sure that you do NOT put the burning charcoal in the wrong
} compartment) thus feeding and entertaining you simultaneously.  At this
} point the Park Rangers will come in a helicopter to issue you a
} citation, the burning charcoal will land on the fuel line of the
} helicopter causing an explosion.  The force of the explosion will
} propel you back up to the top of the Grand Canyon.
}
} This device is another fine consumer item from Cyrus Cybernetics Corp.
}
} The Usenet Oracle (incarnated as miked@ikos.com)
}
} You owe the Oracle a home video of you using it.


664-10    (lqgb1 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose reign spans centuries, tell this ignorant
> supplicant
>
>       Did you ever have sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You feeble-minded creature.  How boring and listless your life must be.
} When confronted with the opportunity to ask a question of me all you
} can think of is some generic question that was designed specifically
} for a thirteen-year-old at a slumber party making prank calls.  Since
} you have so utterly disgusted me with your lack of originality I shall
} donate to your lost soul the answer to your question and the only
} logical consequence that it could bring about.  The consequence I refer
} to is, of course, death.  Do not attempt to run away from your computer
} screen like a coward or turn the computer off and act as though nothing
} has happened. Sit down and wipe that stupid look off of your face.
}
} If you knew anything about me at all, you would know that I am
} constantly having sex.  This is accomplished with the help of my holy
} assistant who periodically pours Dennis Hopper's special soy sauce into
} a mixing unit that feeds directly into my circuitry.  No, you cannot
} have the ingredients.  The product of my sexual activity, which is
} transported to my wine cellar by uncooked elbow macaroni that is glued
} together by Tibetan sloth mucus, is cranberry juice.  My holy assistant
} has the job of selling this cranberry juice on the black market in
} order that he may have the financial backing necessary to purchase
} Dennis Hopper's special soy sauce.
}
} Of course, it is not required that I be having sex constantly and
} abstinence would not affect my performance in this medium.  I can stop
} at any time.  I will demonstrate.  All last night, sat on the levee and
} moaned.  See?  I stopped having sex and now I have started up again.
} Did you feel it?  You experienced a slight shudder and a feeling that
} you wanted to laugh at some elf in a faraway, distant land.  But the
} feeling is gone now.
}
} You owe the Oracle three trips to Harry's Sex Parlour and a
} glow-in-the-dark night stand carved in the shape of Lisa Loeb's naked
} body.


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