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Internet Oracularities #665

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665, 665-01, 665-02, 665-03, 665-04, 665-05, 665-06, 665-07, 665-08, 665-09, 665-10


Usenet Oracularities #665    (69 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 20 Jul 1994 11:36:49 -0500

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   665
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

665   69 votes 23fnq 8wm52 3lng6 45nqb 5hjhb 47pmb 9joc5 9ikg6 4jjl6 4bgpd
665   3.2 mean  4.0   2.4   3.0   3.5   3.2   3.4   2.8   2.9   3.1   3.5


665-01    (23fnq dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, I beg you to answer this unworthy
> supplicant's question:
>
> Where have all the flowers gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Doesn't anyone read the FAQ anymore? <sigh> Okay, one more time:
} -----------------------------------------------------------------
}
}               FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions list) for
}                    sci.botany.flower.disposition
}
} First created: Long time passing.
} Last Revision: Long time ago.
}
} IMPORTANT NOTE: This FAQ only covers questions that actually have some
} relevance to s.b.f.d.  If your question is not on this list (e.g.
} "How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?")
} PLEASE check the FAQ for sci.answers.airborne before posting.
} ------------------------------------------------
}
} 1) Where have all the flowers gone?
}
}    Young girls picked them, every one.
}
}    Ref: Carson, R. "Defloralization: An examination of root causes."
}        _Nature_, 15 April 1968.
} ------------------------------------------------
}
} 2) Where have all the young girls gone?
}
}    Taken husbands, every one.
}
}    Ref: Mead, M. "Pair bonding: a cross-cultural perspective."
}      _Anthropology Review Letters B_, March 1954.
} ------------------------------------------------
}
} 3) Where have all the young men gone?
}
}    Gone to graveyards, every one.
}
}    Ref: Baez, J. "Bellicosity and Male Mortality: The Statistical
}     Approach" (rev. art.). _Journal of Applied Sociology_, July 1969.
} -------------------------------------------------
}
} 4) Where have all the graveyards gone?
}
}    Gone to flower, every one.
}
}    Ref: Frankenstein, V. and _____, I. "Incidental Observations on
}    Cemeterial Flora (an appendix to 'Further Developments in Metabolic
}    Reconstitution,' part IV)." _Swiss Journal of Anatomy_, Winter 1756.
} -------------------------------------------------
}
} 5) When will they ever learn?
}
}    This is as yet undetermined, though early research seems to point
}    to a rather late date.
} -------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a hammer.


665-02    (8wm52 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o most wise Oracle, who knows what a wimpy group the UN really is,
>
> Why is it that Secretary Generals (Secretaries General?) of the United
> Nations always have such cool names?  For example:
>
> Trigve Lye
> U Thant
> Dag Hammerskjold
> Javier Perez de Cuellar
> Boutros Boutros-Ghali
>
> And does this mean that the next two Secretaries General will be
> Arlen Specter and Wolf Blitzer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A cool name is a requirement for being Secretary General of the UN.
} This is learned from hard experience.  It is now generally accepted
} that WWII would not have happened if the League of Nations was headed
} by someone with a more memorable name.  The debate in the Senate, when
} ratification of the League Treaty was voted down mostly revolved around
} the fact that the President of the League had a dorky name.  When
} Hitler went to invade Poland, he did not feel restrained by
} international law because he couldn't remember its name.
}
} The next two Secretaries General of the UN will be Yoko Ono and Kareem
} Abdul Jabar.
}
} The Usenet Oracle <incarnated as miked@ikos.com>
}
} You owe the Oracle an electric razor.
} (hey, sometimes it works)


665-03    (3lng6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Powerful Oracle, please answer this unworthy supplicant's
> question: what happens if you drop a piece of toast that is buttered on
> both sides?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not advisable!  All sorts of things could go wrong.
}
} If you're very lucky, the cat will eat the toast before it hits the
} ground.
}
} If you're not quite so lucky, the toast will land on its side.
}
} If you're unlucky, the whole fabric of causality will be torn apart
} within the vicinity.
}
} There was a guy on Jupiter who tried this on Saturday.  He was
} unlucky.  People put it down to the comet but I know better.
}
} You owe the Oracle Schroedinger's cat.  He was the one who ate my
} toast.


665-04    (45nqb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I and my two sibs have a problem that only one of your infinite
> wisdom and experience can possibly answer.  You see, my younger brother
> and sister and myself are all trapped in an (empty) steel water tower
> on the lot of a major worldwide producer of movies and television.
> We've been in this thing for as long as we can remember, and would
> really like to get out. Unfortunalty, all we have available to us is a
> red baseball cap (with no logo on it), a Bugs Bunny Telephone and a
> large brown burlap sack.  Can you perhaps give us a suggestion on how
> to escape?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh mortals, truly you have come to the right place. The Oracle has
} several plans to suggest for your escape.
}
} 1) Wait for it to rain really hard. The water tower should start
}       filling with water. All get into the burlap sack, and start
}       mewing as though you were abandoned kittens; since you're on a
}       movie lot, the Law of Happy Endings for Cute Animals should take
}       effect, and you will be rescued in the nick of time.
}
} 2) Draw a suitable logo on the baseball cap to catapult yourselves into
}       an appropriate film; I suggest that a Jurassic Park logo should
}       do the trick, since the sight of three youngsters trapped in a
}       structure that could be brought down by a running Tyrannosaurus
}       will result in an instance of the Law of Predictable Destruction.
}       The watertower will be destroyed, but you will automatically be
}       able to escape (Law of No Killing Children in Major Movies).
}
} 3) Use the Bugs Bunny phone to call Roger Rabbit. If he doesn't seem
}       keen (for instance, if he's not happy about being called on a
}       rival rabbit's telephone), tell him your younger sister looks
}       like Jessica. He will whizz up the water tower to rescue you,
}       which will eventually be accomplished after he falls off several
}       times and narrowly misses serious injury even more often (Law of
}       Nothing Being Simple In Cartoons). After you have climbed down,
}       Roger will cower at the top and complain that he is afraid of
}       heights; the only way that you will be able to get him down is by
}       remembering the Law of Extreme Overkill in Cartoons and using
}       dynamite (Acme brand, of course) to bring down the tower. Roger
}       will walk away unscathed, naturally. (Law of Invulnerability of
}       Animated Drawings.)
}
} 4) This one's only for advanced use. Select the sibling you like least.
}       Sacrifice him or her to the Elder Gods (Great Cthulhu for
}       preference). The god concerned will have to tear open the water
}       tower to get at you (Law of Gods who use Tin-Openers) and you and
}       your remaining sibling should be able to make your escape.
}
} 5) The final solution; if none of the other ideas work, look inside the
}       sack. Chances are, this being a movie, that the Evil Villain (who
}       presumably left you in the water tower) will have left something
}       minor but vitally useful inside (Law of Stupid Mistakes -- a
}       counterpart to the Law of Explaining your Plans). He might have
}       left you some highly concentrated acid (to burn your way out), a
}       laser cutter (to cut your way out), several sticks of dynamite
}       (to blow your way out) or a thermonuclear device (to take out the
}       whole lot). Of course, being the omniscient Oracle, I can deduce
}       that he did of course leave you with a computer with email
}       access.... use your imagination.
}
} You owe the Oracle a glass of water.


665-05    (5hjhb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail Oracle, Greatest of All; this humble supplicant bows before
> you and asks this simple question:
>
>      'Why does Superman wear his underpants on the outside?'

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your profound question, which has troubled the world's finest minds
} for decades, has generated several schools of thought.  (The numbers
} in the following text, such as 1 and 8, refer to footnotes at the end
} of this answer.)  Each school of thought, as you shall see below, is
} partly right.
}
} One school contends that he is a heterosexual cross-dresser who came
} out of the closet.^1^  Superman wears brightly colored panties, and he
} wants everyone to know.  He enjoys wearing women's clothing.  He's not
} wearing boxer shorts, and what he's wearing has no fly.  He's wearing
} panties.^2^
}
} Another school contends that he is trying to draw attention to his
} external genitalia.  He's basically just a young stud and a show-off,
} it is said.^3^
}
} A third school contends that he is not wearing underpants, and that
} what the public sees (just below his waist) is the natural coloring of
} his flesh.^4^  Ever since Lorena Bobbit got a kryptonite knife,
} Superman has neither needed nor worn underpants, some scholars
} claim.^5^
}
} A fourth school of thought contends that Superman is trying to get
} back to his cultural roots.  His male ancestors wore their underpants
} on the outside, and he wants to have a sense of continuity with
} them.^6^
}
} A fifth school of thought contends that he dresses to please the
} public, and that his market research indicated that the public wants
} its superheroes to dress the way that he does.  He'd wear a plumed hat
} if his market research people told him that it would increase his
} market share or audience approval, some scholars have written.^7^
}
} Another school of thought contends that he is paid much money by an
} underpants manufacturer to wear that manufacturer's underpants on the
} outside whenever he performs his official duties in public.^8^
}
} A seventh school of thought contends that Superman is participating in
} an experiment being conducted by a graduate student in psychology.
} The details of the experiment must be kept secret, but the general
} idea is to study: (a) who notices that Superman's wearing his
} underpants on the outside, and (b) who feels comfortable discussing
} this subject with a total stranger.^9^
}
} An eighth school of thought contends that this is merely an
} idiosyncrasy of Superman.  Are you completely normal in everything you
} do?  Well, Superman isn't either.  Don't try to read anything into
} this behavior.  It's just a harmless oddity, some scholars argue.^10^
}
} A ninth school of thought is that Superman is trying to change the way
} that we dress.  He hopes to be a role model.  He wants us to wear our
} underpants on the outside, too.^11^
}
} NOTES
}
}      1.  Editorial, _Out!_ , August 15, 1952, vol. 14, no. 3, p. 19.
}
}      2.  "Vanity in Heroes in Contemporary, American Civilization"
} (transcript of panel discussion, moderated by Joan Levy-Khan, at the
} July 1987 annual convention of the International Society for the Study
} of Mass Culture) _Annals of the International Society for the Study of
} Mass Culture_ , Spring 1988, vol. 35, no. 1, pp. 45-89.
}
}      3.  Fitzhugh, James, et al.  "A Few Speculations on Possible
} Medical Disorders of Extra-Terrestial Beings, and Ethical Implications
} of Their Treatment by Humans"  _Lancet_  5 May 1994, vol. 186, no. 23,
} pp. 193-216.
}
}      4.  Ling, Mei-Li, et al.  "Superman and Postmodernist
} Nostalgia Seen from a Socialist-Feminist Perspective"
} _Cultural Diversity_ Winter 1992, vol. 6, no. 4, pp. 154-93.
}
}      5.  Rodriguez, Natasha.  "The Ultimate Powerdresser" _Modern
} Advertising_ November 22, 1962, vol. 27, no. 18, pp. 3, 17.
}
}      6.  Levine, William.  "Not for Attribution" _Women's Wear
} Daily_ April 1, 1958, p. 6.
}
}      7.  LeClerc, Harry.  "Use of Public Figures in Psychological
} Research" in:  Carter-Sloan, Annette, et al., editors.  _Psychological
} Experimentation on University Campuses:  Second Edition_ (Oxford
} University Press:  New York, 1969) pp. 314-66.
}
}      8.  Park, Lo Van, et al.  "Clothing as a Diagnostic Tool:  A
} Review of the Recent Literature" _Journal of Abnormal Psychology_ July
} 1994, vol. 48, no. 3, pp. 487-98.
}
}      9.  Ramahandramahn, G.L., et al.  "Deconstruction of Superman
} as Agitator" _Culture and Meta-Culture_ Autumn 1989, vol. 16,
} no. 4, pp. 598-625.
}
}      10.  Schmidt, Rosa.  "Fruit-of-the-Loom Might, Flying Right:
} New Controversy Surrounds an American Hero," Magazine section
} of _New York Times_  January 31, 1986, pp. 14-16, 31-35.
}
}      11.  Corelli, Guy.  "Superman et la Loi" _Le Monde_ March 10,
} 1993, p. 25.
}
} You owe the Oracle a three-pack of Haines colored, bikini-cut, men's
} undershorts.


665-06    (47pmb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great one whose mind knows no limits, whose insight can see beyond,
> and whose dishes are always lemony fresh, please make your humble
> servent eternally joyful by answering my question:
>
> What happen to socks that dissappear when you put them into the dryer.
> I don't buy the line that they are floating in the ozone layer, as my
> parental units have informed me...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Contrary to popular belief, there are actually several mechanisms by
} which socks disappear in the drier:
}
} 1) While being tossed about in the heat of the drier, some of the socks
}    become quite, well, excited.  When they are jostled close to a
}    matching sock (sometimes called its "mate"), the two socks join in a
}    strange ritual which parodies certain biological functions that
}    humans and other species engage in.  Unlike the human version,
}    though, this process ends with one sock disappears completely in an
}    orgasm of ecstacy, static electricity, and lint.  This is known as
}    "having socks."
}
} 2) Every now and then, small vaguely demonic creatures (imps, really),
}    attracted by the warm, humid air and the prospect of a good meal,
}    will sneak up the clothes-drier vent, and steal one or two socks.
}    These are then prepared with some ketchup, lemon-butter and basil.
}    The dish is a favorite among the imps.  Because this recipe was
}    invented near a particular small town in East-Central Illinois, it
}    is called "Socks Clinton."
}
} 3) If you happen to be a celebrity (as the Oracle is), sometimes
}    thieves will sneak into your house to steal small items of clothing,
}    personal effects, and so forth, all of which are valuable to the
}    collector.  Socks are a particular favorite, due to their small size
}    and personal nature. These items are then sold in a periodic
}    exchange of such items, known as the "Sock Market."
}
} 4) Finally, it may be that you have been unconsciously removing the
}    socks from the laundry and hiding them in niches, cubbyholes, etc.,
}    around the house in case of a future shortage of the essential
}    underwear.  If so, this is perfectly normal behavior.  Sock
}    shortages have periodically occured, and many people exhibit this
}    sort of subconscious hoarding. Among psychologists, this is known as
}    "socking up."
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Extra-Whitening Tide, to clean the
} Oracle's mind....you may have noticed that the Oracle spends a lot of
} time thinking about dirty socks.
}
} <From a younger incarnation of the Oracle.  If you thought this was too
} punny, just wait until I'm fully groan!>


665-07    (9joc5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, to whom the mastery of trivia is merely a trivial matter:
>
> Is it true that Disney holds the rights to the song 'I'm Too Sexy',
> which was cut from the original film version of Pinocchio and had
> lyrics that went something like this:
>
> I'm too sexy for my nose
> So sexy that it grows
> I'm too sexy...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, its true.  In fact, Pinocchio was a remake of a pornographic French
} Film, entitled "The Boy With the Penis for a Nose."  When Disney
} decided to remake the film, they originally had casted Joe Camel to
} play Pinocchio. Disney had planned to make it a pornographic musical,
} but then after the success of transforming "Bambi Does Bulgaria" into a
} children's film (the genius was turning the playboy bunny "Humper" into
} the rabbit "Thumper"), they decided to do the same with Pinocchio.
}   However, Disney did release a limited edition of original soundtrack
} for Pinocchio.  Here is a song listing:
}
} 1. Boys (original version of Beastie Boys' "Girls")
}       (Scene where Gepetto creates Pinocchio)
} 2. Rico Suave
}       (Scene where Pinocchio comes to life)
} 3. Humpty Dance
}       (Scene where Pinocchio and Gepetto do the lambada)
} 4. I'm Too Sexy
}       (Scene where Pinocchio lies for the first time)
} 5. You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman
}       (Jiminy Cricket's Solo)
} 6. I Wanna Sex You Up
}       (The Evil Puppeteer kidnaps Pinocchio)
} 7. I Wanna New Drug
}       (Pinocchio goes to that pleasure island)
} 8. Playing with the Boys (if you get my drift...)
}       (Pinocchio meets the other boys on pleasure island)
} 9. Underwater Fantasy (love theme from Pinocchio)
}       (Pinocchio escapes from the island & encounters the whale)
} 10. Wind Beneath My Wings
}       (Pinocchio returns to Gepetto: typical sappy Disney ending)
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the movie "Beauty and the Football Team"


665-08    (9ikg6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, tell me...
>
> Why are college professors such slugs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If they were drosophila, they would work in the financial aid office.
} If they were orangutans, they would run campus security.
} If they were woodchucks, they would help out in the computer lab.
} If they were arachnoids, they would be running student government.
} If they were tarantulas, they would be raising money for student gov't.
} If they were dachshunds, they would serve in the school cafeteria.
} If they were archerfish, they would write for the school paper.
} If they were sycophants, they would work in the dean's office.
} If they were nighthawks, they would have left school by now.
}
} But they're merely slugs.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pound of salt.


665-09    (4jjl6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gracious and wonderful Oracle, whose Wisdom is deeper than any
> ocean, please grant your humble supplicant an answer to the following
> question:
>
> Where do kids get all of there energy? They can run around non-stop all
> day and seemingly not get tired. Ecpect for a nap or two, they hardly
> even rest. This seems to me to contradict the law of the conservation
> of energy. Please enlighten me with your knowledge and understanding.
>
> --
> Jim Spellingmeister             Dual Communications
> SR S/W Engineer                 1134 E. 87th Street
> Phone: 214-123-4567             Piano, Taxes 75075
> Fax: 214-765-4321               E-Mail: jspellingm@hutu.dual.com
>
> [Priest's note: .sig changed to protect the typographically inaccurate.
> I wonder if this person's code ever contains any bugs?]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes. This phenomenon has puzzled scientists since the Law of
} Conservation of Energy was discovered, and it was realized that food
} intake alone could not possibly account for the enormous energy output
} of children. Lord Kelvin wrote a famous paper on the subject, in which
} he discussed various possible energy sources (photosynthesis,
} atmospheric pressure changes, radioactivity), finally coming to the
} conclusion that children release energy by slow gravitational
} contraction. While this hypothesis did accord with much initial
} experimental data (the oft-observed phenomenon that children are
} smaller than actual people, for example), further calculations revealed
} that in order to generate all the observed energy, a child would have
} to contract to nothing within approximately two years -- and much
} research on two-year-olds has revealed that this does not seem to
} happen.
}
} The current hypothesis is that the energy of small children is
} electrical in nature. In the natural environment of a child (i.e., the
} living-room rug), this is continuously generated by frictional
} charge-separation; however, under proper conditions, a child will seek
} other sources -- hence the instinctive desire of every child to stick
} its finger into electrical sockets. With the development of television,
} this electrotropism is now put to use in the domestication of children,
} and millions of them can be seen all over the country in front of these
} handy electrical devices, quietly feeding.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Mighty Morphin Power-Output Meter.


665-10    (4bgpd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my computer keep cra

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, looks like you have a problem with your computer.  I'm not
} too sure what your question is.  I'll take a few guesses and answer
} them, in the hope that one is right.
}
} >Why does my computer keep cravats in a small drawer in the machine
} >room?
}
} Because it suffers from a rare computer personality disorder called
} Edwardian CPU Syndrome.  It would like nothing better than to sit in
} front of a warm fire, smoking a pipe, wearing a cravat and beating the
} child processes.
}
} >Why does my computer keep craving jelly and Marmite sandwiches?
}
} Because it's pregnant.  Try a tunefs and banana pizza.
}
} >Why does my computer keep cranking up the speed so much?
}
} You upgraded it, and keep trying to play a CP/M version of Frogger on
} your Pentium
}
} >Why does my computer keep crackling?
}
} You should have replaced the blown fuse with another fuse, not that
} slice of bacon.
}
} >Why does my computer keep crawling?
}
} You downgraded from your Pentium back to your CP/M machine.
}
} >Why does my computer keep cranial records of all these people?
}
} You are a doctor who specialises in fractured skulls.  Unfortunately
} you were in a road accident three weeks ago and now suffer selective
} amnaesia.  The rest of the hospital is hoping you can cure yourself.
} Try finding your own file.
}
} You owe the Ora


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