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Internet Oracularities #666

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666, 666-01, 666-02, 666-03, 666-04, 666-05, 666-06, 666-07, 666-08, 666-09, 666-10


Usenet Oracularities #666    (72 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 24 Jul 1994 15:12:46 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   666
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

666   72 votes bnpa3 2lzc2 69joe 4dpka aisd3 bpn76 6eti5 hhhi3 6auh9 4npd7
666   2.9 mean  2.6   2.9   3.4   3.3   2.7   2.6   3.0   2.6   3.2   2.9


666-01    (bnpa3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, who devised numerology as a way to keep mathematicians
> occupied and invented televangelists to keep the brainless occupied,
> how can I get into oracularity 666?  I have already purchased the
> prerequisite "Satan's Oracularity Silver Celebration Candelabra" from
> the Franklin Mint, sacrificied a couple of chickens, and lit a large
> number of blood scented candles.  I've moved all the furniture in my
> office into the hallway [I don't have to worry about someone stealing
> it, everyone has left my wing because of the 3 steps I took
> previously], drawn a pentagram in the middle of my office, and put my
> workstation in it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, sounds like serious efforts.  However, seems to me you're
} confusing me with some clown in a red suit with a pointy tail.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Oracle's Oracularity Platinum Celebration
} Menorah, the sacrifice of two buxom young virgins to me (alive
} preferably), a large number of pine scented lava lamps, moving all of
} your assets into my swiss bank account, and drawing a hexagon around
} your workstation.


666-02    (2lzc2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Magnificent and Wise Oracle, who always knows when he's not wanted,
> not that he ever is (not wanted)...
>
> This boy I know keeps asking me out.  I don't want to go out with
> him, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings.  I always tell him
> that I can't see him because I have to wash my hair, but he never
> takes the hint.  He just keeps calling me.  What should I do?
>
>                               - The Breck Girl

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Brecky:
}         You're simply using your hair as an excuse, and not only is
} that dishonest, it's not very imaginative. Why not tell him you
} have to bust a drug ring or save the universe from alien invasion?
} But since you've already used the hair bit, I'm afraid you're stuck
} with it. Let's see what we can do...
}         I can see a couple of possible solutions. First, and most
} obvious, is to simply stop washing your hair (go a couple of weeks
} for best results), then go out with him. Should only take one date.
}         Or, eliminate the excuse - Shave your head. Then maybe get some
} tattoos on your scalp and tell him you can't go out with him because
} you're saving yourself for Satan. Twitch a lot when you say it.
}         If all else fails, simply smash him over the head with a wooden
} mallot whenever he gets within reach. After about three or four good
} whacks, he should get the picture.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date and a bottle of shampoo.


666-03    (69joe dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to become a Devil's Advocate when I grow up.  What are the best
> schools for this, and what sort of preparatory classes should I be
> taking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Looking at your aptitudes, I believe Devils Advocacy is the wrong
} choice for you.  Besides, job openings in D.A. are down 37 percent
} from five years ago.  Your aptitudes strongly suggest you should
} seek a career working with animals, rather than evil supernatural
} entities.  I suggest you consider the following career
} opportunities in stead:
}
} Counting chickens before they hatch: Many large poultry farms are
} planning to expand their Premature Poultry Inventory Management
} departments.  Consider this job a sure-thing!
}
} Beating dead horses:  Due to political pressures applied by the
} A.S.P.C.A., horse beating is now being performed post-mortem.
} If you're interested in this career, be redundantly repetitive
} in your studies, especially after graduation and after you're out
} of school.
}
} Cat skinning:  There's more than one way to do this, so remain
} open-minded.
}
} Bird harvest via stone throwing: If you can achieve a two-to-one
} bird-to-stone ratio, you'll do very well.  The exercise inherent
} in this career is also very healthy, which is an added bonus.
}
} Taking bulls by the horns:  In addition to rodeo jobs, there are
} often opening for people with this skill in the ranch industry.
} Get right out there and give it your all!
}
} You owe the Oracle a horse of a different color.


666-04    (4dpka dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have heard that 666 is the number of the beast, and I don't
> understand. What does 666 have to do with woodchucks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 666 is the amount of wood a Woodchuck would chuck if a Woodchuck could
} chuck wood (expresed in liters/hour). But now that you know that, you
} will probably fire off another question asking "How did this come to
} be?". So to save time, I will tell you right now.
}         Back when the Earth was young and God had just created the Man,
} the Cat, the Aardvark, the Waterbuffalo, the Tacky Pink Plastic Lawn
} Flamingo and (of course) the Oracle (only to have them splash down into
} very smelly mud as he had yet to create the continents), things were
} running pretty smooth. The beasts worked in the fields of man, the lawn
} flamingos made peoples houses look tacky and the Oracle answered the
} questions of Man. It was this last thing that annoyed God. For back in
} those days, all the questions sent by man to the oracle were inteligent
} and well thought out. God felt that the Oracle was getting it too easy.
} He decided to create something that would cause people to beriddle the
} Oracle with stupid questions of no importance. He thought a bit and
} then Proclaimed "I have it! Nothing is more confusing to people than a
} misnamed creature". And so God brought forth a luckless creature and he
} Named it the Woodchuck. Said the woodchuck unto God "How much wood can
} I chuck?" and God said "None! Thou Shalt Not Chuck Wood!". Upon hearing
} this, the Woodchuck became curious.
}
} "If I am not to chuck wood, what shall I think about all day? And what
} if I could chuck would? How much wood would I chuck then? And-"
}
} "SILENCE!" roared god. "I shall answer your first two questions, but
} ask me no more. You tell me what you think about all day."
}
} "Easy!, I think about SEX, SEX, SEX all day long. But what about the
} other question?"
}
} "You have given the answer yourself! You shall be able to chuck 666
} litres of wood per hour"
} And with that, God sent the woodchuck down to earth to wreak havok on
} the Oracle's preace and quiet. But that is another story.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to get back at God for oll these @#%$#@#
} woodchuck questions.


666-05    (aisd3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there really an evil being in the Usenet called
> the Elcaro?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely! And if you play his oracularities backward, they
} sound like the chittering of woodchucks!


666-06    (bpn76 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many code reviews does it take to check in a change?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      [We're sorry.  Due to a bug in the latest version of the Usenet
}       Oracle, the answer to your question has been deleted.]


666-07    (6eti5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Isn't it sexist to have helium and not shelium?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it is.  In many ways English is a sexist language - after
} all, we don't sing hers in church, the singular of people is not
} perdaughter, and there doesn't appear to be womanslaughter.  On the
} other hand, we don't hear heep, don't drink herry, don't get himpes
} and drug users haven't yet discovered himoin.
}
} All in all, it sort of balances out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a solution to the war in Bosnia-Himtzegovena.


666-08    (hhhi3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> who is i

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} i is imaginary!
}
} You owe the Oracle a book on non-Euclidian geometry!


666-09    (6auh9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty and sexually talented Oracle....
>
> How can I tell if my girlfriend is faking her orgasms or not when we
> have sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 10 ways you can tell if your girlfriend is faking an orgasm:
}
} 10. You overhear her speaking to her best friend: "Am I still a virgin
} if I've never had an orgasm?"
}
} 9. She answers the phone: "Hello?  <pause> No, I'm not doing anything
} important.  What are _you_ doing?"
}
} 8. She's taking an acting class on faking orgasms.
}
} 7. You took her to a Broadway show, and now she's tired and just wants
} some sleep.  (Long live Seinfeld!!!)
}
} 6. She asks: "Would you mind if I invited a friend over to finish the
} job?"
}
} 5. She says: "We're going to be on Oprah next week."
}
} 4. She has an orgasm 15 seconds after asking "Are you in yet?"
}
} 3. Afterwards, she says, "You're the <yawn> best, baby!  That oughtta
} hold me for a few weeks."
}
} 2. During the act, you ask "Will you regret this in the morning?" and
} she replies "I'm regretting this right now."
}
} 1. She says: "Oh, yes!  Oh yes!  Are you done yet?  You're not?  OK.
} Oh, yes! Oh, yes!"
}
} The Oracle will give you $1,000,000 for one night with your girlfriend.


666-10    (4npd7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oracle, wisest one of the ether-space, please tell me how a
>     respondent in your stead can become recognized as one of your
>     truly great prophets, like Steve Kinzler, Scott Forbes, Harold the
>     Foot, Darkmage, Dr. Nucleus, Lisa Loeb, J. Zimmerman or Carole
>     Fungaroli?
>
>     P.S.  Enclosed, as payment for her dues, is Carole S. Fungaroli's
>           pancreas

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Playful grasshopper, you're still learning.  You use words without yet
} knowing their meaning.  You're not a respondent.  I'm a respondent,
} because I am responding to you.  Look at the words "respondent in your
} stead [i.e., place]."  Because I know all, I know that you meant to
} write the word "I" instead of "respondent in your stead."  In other
} words, you want to know how to become one of my "prophets" (like
} Darkmage and Harold the Foot).  The people you named are part of my
} priesthood.  Their vocation is priest, not prophet.  Incidentally,
} trust me when I tell you that Carole S. Fungaroli has already paid her
} dues.
}
} Frisky puppy, there are two aspects to becoming one of my priests:
} procedural and substantial.
}
} The procedural aspect is simple:  post a request to rec.humor.oracle.d.
} Humbly ask to become one of my priests, giving the same, exemplary
} priests' names that you gave me.
}
} The substantial aspect of becoming one of my priests is difficult.  You
} must be worthy of the priesthood.  Many people (cruelly) say that this
} requires having no sense of humor, or at least an erratic one.  Like an
} umpire, priests decide what's in and what's out.  No one has umpire
} trading cards.  Understand?  Thus, to prepare, you must get used to
} doing difficult, thankless work.  Become a door-to-door taxidermist.
} Sell tickets to Haiti.  Become a claims adjuster for an insurance
} company in Rwanda.
}
} You don't just want to be a priest, you want to be one of my "truly
} great" priests.  Rambunctious foal, you are ambitious.  As you must
} have noticed, Carole S. Fungaroli's pancreas is long, soft, and
} irregularly shaped.  A short, hard, or regularly shaped pancreas is a
} predictor of mediocrity as a priest.  Your pancreas is short, hard, and
} regularly shaped.  You may want to buy my special pancreas-lengthener,
} -softener, and -mis-shaper (for only three, easy, monthly payments of
} $50.00 which you may charge on most, major, credit cards).  In only a
} few, short weeks, you'll have a long, soft, irregularly shaped
} pancreas.  Your friends and neighbors will admire you.  You'll be on
} the road to greatness.  The pancreas-lengthener (which is based on the
} same, scientific principle that enables highly sophisticated, old
} satellites to return to the earth) is all you need to impress my
} priest-selectors. Everyone else has to pay $150.00 but, because I like
} you, I am making it available (for a limited time only) for only three
} payments of $50.00 each.  I know you'll make the right decision.
}
} Once you become one of my priests, you'll need a special, priestly
} decoder ring ($9.99), a satin robe with the Oracular insignia
} emroidered on the back ($76.95), a priestly license-plate-holder
} ($8.75), an official pen (with the words "Priest of the Oracle" in gold
} letters) to be used for all official duties ($3.96), a priestly modem
} ($699.90), a priestly cap and wand ($9.99 separately, $16.99 for both
} if both are bought at the same time), an embosser used to emboss
} documents with your priestly seal ($38.95), and an impressive,
} silver-foil packet containing blue ribbons and red wax used in
} conjunction with the embosser ($8.99).
}
} You'll probably want to apply for a Priesthood Credit Card (24.1% APR).
} It's in beautiful, gold-colored plastic, with your color photograph
} permanently imprinted on the front (rendering the card suitable for use
} as identification).
}
} Have a nice day.


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