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Internet Oracularities #667

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Usenet Oracularities #667    (75 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 1994 08:40:02 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   667
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

667   75 votes ghpd4 7psb4 5nsf4 378wp 3orf6 5dmnc amjh7 5eveb 4lvc7 4rpc7
667   3.0 mean  2.6   2.7   2.9   3.9   3.0   3.3   2.9   3.2   3.0   2.9


667-01    (ghpd4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how to get boimedical engineering in USA and canada Email?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There isn't a simple answer to your question. Let's look at some of
} the options and see if any suit your needs:
}
}          1) Join the Air Force or NASA as a test pilot, and get
}          severely injured crashing a prototype. This method is not
}          recommended, due to the high costs, starting from six million
}          US dollars.
}
}          2) Join the police force, and get severely injured during a
}          drugs bust or other operation. The drawbacks with this one
}          include the obligatory traffic duty and the fact that certain
}          types of women are highly attracted to you afterwards but the
}          police designers see no reason to add "those extra bits".
}          You'll probably also have to fight a giant android police
}          robot to keep your job every so often, and there's often
}          various classified software "features" written into your Prime
}          Objectives by programmers who ought to know better.
}
}          3) Become a pirate and have your hand blown away during a
}          naval action. This can then be replaced with a hook or a pair
}          of pincers. This method is frequently used to obtain
}          biomedical engineering, especially among villains in Bond
}          movies, but it is probably not what you are looking for.
}
}          4) Join the Beresford University of Medicine and volunteer for
}          experimental research. While you may be disappointed with the
}          results, there is a finite chance that you will be selected
}          for the cyborb vats. Here your brain will be mounted in a
}          machine and you will find you have the strength of ten men,
}          etc, etc. Note, however, that there are likely to be side
}          effects of an unpredictable nature. Beresford University of
}          Medicine are currently under investigation for unethical
}          behaviour, so you will need to be quick.
}
}          5) Find the yellow brick road. At one end you will find the
}          Wizard of Oz, who conducts biomedical experiments. Be warned
}          that you might end up with certain behavioural deficiencies,
}          such as a lack of courage, educational difficulties, obsession
}          with rainbows or an overwhelming tendancy to wear red shoes.
}
}          6) DIY, preferably with a group of like-minded friends is an
}          option. A life of crime-fighting is often selected.
}
}          7) Join Knight Industries as a janitor. Not everyone realises
}          that Kit, the Knightrider car, was once Eustace Stuckley, an
}          ageing site maintenance man.
}
}          8) Stavros (S.T.A.Vros@dalek.supreme.headquarters.edu) may be
}          worth contacting now that all public buildings are required to
}          have disabled access ramps.
}
}          9) Startrek (TNG) have some unfinished projects on the slab.
}
}          That should be enough to be getting on with. You owe the
}          Oracle an arm and a leg.
}
}          The Oracle (Incarned as the Haz)


667-02    (7psb4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how
> long would it take a 2-foot caterpillar to kick the pits out of a
> 12-pound watermelon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If half-hens can lay half-eggs, then we must be on the planet Xerkom,
} famous for its small omelettes.  This planet is ruled by the
} watermelons, who took over after the dictator "The Great Pumpkin" was
} overthrown on October 31.  The watermelons promised change to the
} inhabitants of Xerkom, but they have become extremely ineffectual
} leaders (after all, have you ever heard the phrase "and the watermelon
} shall lead us to victory!"  I didn't think so).
}   An underground movement of caterpillars has formed, rebelling against
} the pathetic laws of the watermelons.  Once the watermelons found
} out about the caterpillar rebillion, they immediately passed 3 laws
} to crush the rebellion:
} 1. All rebelling parties must register at the newly formed Registry of
} Rebellions, where they will receive an informational packet and a
} bumper sticker.
} 2. All officially registered rebelling parties must bring their weapons
} to the Secret Weapons Storage and Disposal Plant, located at 1 Seedless
} Way.
} 3. All officially registered rebelling parties will be granted
} free access into the capital city, with their weapons, so they may
} dispose of them at the Secret Weapons Storage and Disposal Plant at
} a convenient time.
}   Needless to say, the caterpillars registered, brought all their
} weapons into the city, and proceeded to overthrow the government.
} They nearly succeeded, except the caterpillars feasted on the
} watermelons, and they started to cocoon.
}   But during that rebellion, a 2-foot caterpillar was observed to kick
} the pits out of a 12-pound watermelon faster than The Great Pumpkin
} could eat a small omelette.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bumper sticker from the Registry of Rebellions.


667-03    (5nsf4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, Who Makes Routers Tremble and Rainbow Packets Stop,
> You That Rule The Net, Please Answer This Humble Question of Poor
> Supplicant!
>
> My computer appears to have a personality of its own, and judging from
> its behavior (which is completely independent of the programs I want to
> run) I can say that my PC is female. Not the kind that leans on your
> shoulder and drags you away from keyboard to make out, but the kind
> that eats your paycheck for lunch and takes you shopping instead of
> dinner. Every day, my PC demands new software, cards, drives, etc. I
> used to be very nice to her and gave her whatever she wanted, but I
> couldn't feed her and take her shopping for a month (because I was
> broke!). She was so angry that she blew her motherboard and made me
> upgrade to Pentium - after sacrificing my mountain bike to pay for it.
>
> Oh Oracle, please advise me how to lower her appetites! This is a
> matter of life and death!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The solution to this most common problem is quite simple really.  Now
} get ready to follow my instructions once you finish reading...
}
} 1.  Turn computer off.
} 2.  Unplug all connections (mouse, keyboard, etc)
} 3.  Unplug power cord.
} 4.  Pack computer in box or the like.
} 5.  Take her to a computer shop.
} 6.  Tell the sales assistant that you would like to trade in your
}     computer for something more manly.
} 7.  Assistant should realise what your problem is and supply you with
}     your new computer and a bill
} 8.  Take your newly acquired Apple-Macintosh home and set it up as
}     you want it.
}
} There you go, in eight easy steps you have solved all your computing
} problems.  No longer will you have to put up with the computer's
} feminine qualities, you are now a proud owner of an Apple-Mac - the
} male computer.  Your new computer will display all the signs of
} manliness.  The only problems with this is that you will now need to
} share your beer and girlfriend with the computer - and it may spend
} much of the time doing nothing at all, but at least you won't be
} spending money on it.
}
} You owe the Oracle five unused 3.5" high density floppy discs and a
} new mouse.
}
} PS: Don't leave your new computer alone with an IBM compatible or you
} will end up with lots of Sega Mega Drives.


667-04    (378wp dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, purveyor of culinary delights and
> owner of the official sausage, please help me
> solve my cuisinary quandry:
>
> A few weeks ago I found an old Prussian recipe
> book hidden away in a trunk in my attic.  The
> book seems to be a collection of recipes for
> wild fowl.  I have already tried the Mallard
> Schnitzel.  It was excellent.
>
> I am now ready to prepare the next dish, a fowl
> sausage.  The book explains that is similar to
> a bratwurst, but, of course made from wild birds.
> I went out and shot a goose and a wild turkey,
> and need only one more bird.
>
> Oh Oracle, where can I find a tern for the wurst?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The manuscript which you describe is older than you think.  Its
} origins date back to the Holy Roman Empire, in 1521, the year Charles
} V called Martin Luther forth to answer for his 95 Theses.  Luther not
} only converted a great many in that assembly to his teachings, he
} also shared his love for poultry and best recipes for preparing
} birds.  Luther's tips were recorded for posterity by the scribe who
} kept the minutes of that famous meeting, of which you have discovered
} a partial copy.  To answer your question, the proper technique for
} capturing uberlandseawingen (or the Rhone tern) may be found in the
} full notes of that august body, the Diet of Worms.
}
} Of course, the secret to preparing luftwurst is not the freshness of
} the bird; rather, it is the herbs with which you season it.  Luther
} took his hints from the book of Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3, which would
} also later inspire the Byrds to sing:
}
} "To everything there is a seasoning...tern, tern, tern."
}
} Naturally, Luther had his own preference of herb, which soon became a
} tradition.  That is why, even today, you will hear luftwurst referred
} to as the Wurst of Thymes.


667-05    (3orf6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh most Wise and Mighty Oracle, Seer of Seven Distinct Ages of Earth,
> Mastress of the Seven Universal Flames of Truth, Keeper of the Exalted
> Orgones, Priest of the Cult of the Dark Mother Shub-Niggurath, Who is
> the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, I thus call upon
> your ancient wisdom and incredibleness in general to answer this, the
> question which has for Eight of the Distinct Ages of Earth plagued Man
> in all his incarnations:
>
>     Tell me just what in the hell a philtrum is.  That wacky third-ager
> and FALSE PROPHETEER Stevie King has an independent publishing house
> called Philtrum Press.  I'm pretty sure I know but I need thy most holy
> and exalted opinion.
> Consultations with the Book of Armaments have proved fruitless.
>
>    Most Sincerely in Your Holiness that I Might One Day Aspire To Kiss
> thy Anointed and Most Holy O-Ring,
>
>     Charlton Heston ("Let my people GO")

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    A philtrum is the smooth indentation running from the bottom
} of your nose to your upper lip.  It is called "philtrum" after
} the Greek word "philtrum" (the etymology is clearer if you know
} that in Ancient Greek, the dipthong "ph" is pronounced "ph"),
} meaning "the grip of a bow."  The Greeks belived that the grip of
} Eros' (Cupid, to you Johnny-come-lately Romans) bow looked like
} the area between their lips and noses.  The Greeks also drank wine
} out of lead vessels.
}    In one of those interesting historical sidenotes that you've
} come to know and love, Eros also drank wine out of lead vessels;
} perhaps not coincidentally, he also thought that the grip of his
} bow looked like the area between your lip and nose.  When he got
} tipsy, he'd look for his bow, but wind up drunkenly yanking on
} the upper lips and noses of mortals.  This explains a lot about
} love, actually.
}
}    You owe the Oracle wine, women, and song.


667-06    (5dmnc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Darling muscular and really-smart Oracle:
>
> What's the best way for a guy to tell his girlfriend that she's ugly
> and stupid and has real bad B.O. and he doesn't ever want to touch her
> again and he can't understand why he ever went out with her in the
> first place but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings too much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}          "Let's be friends."
}
}          (That's what the girls always use.)


667-07    (amjh7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose zeroes have more value than my ones,
>
> Recently a computer salesman tried to sell me a spreadshit program.
> That sounds nasty. I can understand that a farmer might need it in
> his fields, but why would anyone want a spreadshit program in their
> office? Yuck!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The SPREAD$HIT(TM) program, first used by ROBERT
}       McElwaine, PHYSICIST, is the most effective program
}       in THE history of HISTORY ITSELF. Just before McElwaine
}       left the NET to retire in the BAHAMAS, McElwaine was
}       LISTED as the BIGGE$T spreader of $HIT, and the third
}       biggest spreader of ANYTHING, on THE internet (AS accord-
}       ing TO news.lists).
}
}       More recently the PROGRAM has been U$ED by a band of
}       SELFLE$$ altruists who wish to SMA$H the barriers dividing
}       different RACES, creeds, and RELIGION$ by ensuring everybody
}       on earth HAS A green CARD.
}
}       UNFORTUNATELY a legal challenge to SPREAD$HIT(TM) has ap-
}       peared on the HORIZON. Microsoft claims that, with MILLIONS
}       of COPIES of Microsoft DOS $OLD over the LAST decade, it is
}       already well established in the BUSINESS of spreading
}       shit, and is LAUNCHING a "look and feel" LAW$UIT.
}
}       In other words, you SHOULD buy that program NOW, you
}       MAY not have ANOTHER chance.
}
}       You owe THE ORACLE some dirt on MICRO$OFT that I can
}       use to SCARE them off.
}
} Un-altered reproduction and dissemination of this $HIT is ENCOURAGED.


667-08    (5eveb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> when is the beginning of time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene:  Complete, total, utter darkness.  Pitch black.  Nothingness.
} Absolute, uninterrupted vacuum from horizon to horizon, or at least
} there would be if there *were* horizons, which there aren't.  In the
} middle of all this nothing there is a muted "BAMF" {actually there
} *isn't* a muted "BAMF" -- there isn't any sound at all in a vacuum --
} but for the sake of the story we're assuming Star Trek physics here}
} as the Oracle and a dazed Supplicant appear.]
}
} Oracle:       Okay.  Now don't look directly at that spot over there,
}               because you'll collapse the probability wave.
}
} Supplicant:   HEY, it's FREEZ--
}
} [The Supplicant, exposed to a temperature of 0 Kelvin, shatters.]
}
} Oracle:       Yuck!
}
} You owe the Oracle a way of cleaning up this mess in the 10^-53 seconds
} before the Universe begins.  Better think fast....


667-09    (4lvc7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle, what's going on with your newsgroups? I've been reading
> rec.humor.oracle, but now there's something called alt.humor.oracle. Is
> this something set up by the antichrist or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In recent years we (meaning me, Lisa, and the assorted priests) have
} had increasing problems with the high traffic on rec.humor.oracle;
} it was bad enough when we were just getting as many posts as alt.sex
} and rec.arts.startrek combined, but when we hit the 5000/day mark, we
} were starting to break low-quality newsreaders, some of which choked so
} badly that the people using them now get maybe one post every couple
} of days. As a result, we are splitting the group, and in keeping with
} our cosmic nature, we are splitting from the big-end instead of the
} more usual little-end split. You have already seen alt.humor.oracle
} (intended as the evil twin to this group, which is why it has that
} air of pure malevolence you noticed), and you can look forward to
} the following groups, which will gradually come into existence of
} the next five years:
}
}     sci.humor.oracle  --  for discussions of the technology of
}       omniscience.
}
}     talk.humor.oracle  --  for people who don't so much want to ask
}       questions, but just to chat with Lisa, or me, or Lisa, or one
}       of the priests, or Lisa.
}
}     soc.humor.oracle  --  see above, replacing "chat" with some other
}       word of the same length.
}
}     news.humor.oracle  --  for discussions of the Grand Oraclular
}       Reorganization as it happens.
}
}     misc.humor.oracle  --  miscellaneous questions for the Oracle
}       (henceforth, only *entertaining* questions will be allowed in
}       rec.humor.oracle).
}
}     net.humor-oracle  --  a group created already obsolete, to save
}       time.
}
}     is.humor.oracle  --  all of the above, in Icelandic.
}
} You owe the Oracle a yes-vote when the CFV arrives.


667-10    (4rpc7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magnificent Oracle, whose breath smells like...
> gag...wheeze.
>
> Well forget that.
>
> Tell me, why is everyone so excited about Shoemaker-Levy 9 comet
> striking Jupiter?  Wouldn't we get much better CNN coverage if
> the 100 million megaton comet were to hit Los Angeles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I don't know why everyone else is so interested, but I can
} tell why I'm tuned to CNN every night.  It's because I'm
} PISSED OFF.  I had LAND RIGHTS on the big Jupertino!  I was
} going to make untold trillions four centuries from now
} selling methane to passing ships!  It was going to be glorious.
}
} Then along comes Mr. "Oh-I'm-just-a-little-fragile-comet-and-you're-
} -such-a-big-planet-and-why-don't-I-just-crack-under-the-pressure-
} and-collide-with-you" Shoemaker-Levy 9 (the BASTARD), and gives
} my planet, MY PLANET, a million megaton kick in the head.  Who's
} going to want to buy comet-splattered methane now, huh?  Nobody,
} that's who.  My retirement's gone to hell and it's all that
} stupid chunck of primordial ice's fault.
}
} You owe the Oracle mining and development rights on Venus.


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