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Internet Oracularities #668

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668, 668-01, 668-02, 668-03, 668-04, 668-05, 668-06, 668-07, 668-08, 668-09, 668-10


Usenet Oracularities #668    (72 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 31 Jul 1994 15:51:01 -0500

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   668
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

668   72 votes 3mqg5 6cfmh 9cmhc dckj8 6ipf8 6lpi2 ahv95 3bgoi athe2 3evcc
668   3.1 mean  3.0   3.4   3.2   3.0   3.0   2.8   2.8   3.6   2.6   3.2


668-01    (3mqg5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a relationship between a real love and sex?
> Or are they used together ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Love and sex are distinct entities, but both are required in a
} successful relationship.  Allow me to demonstrate.
}
} Consider a relationship based purely on sex:
}
}    "Do you want to have sex tonight?"
}    "*sigh* OK."
}    "Is something wrong?"
}    "Yes.  *sob*  You never take me anywhere!"
}
} Now, compare this with a relationship of all love and no sex:
}
}    "Do you want to go out tonight?"
}    "*sigh* OK."
}    "Is something wrong?"
}     "Yes.  *sob*  You never *take me* anywhere!"
}
} Hope that helps.
}
} You owe the Oracle either an evening of mad, passionate sex or a
} night out bowling.


668-02    (6cfmh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I think you're the nazz. OK, let's get down to brass tax:
>
> What is the smartest animal of all? Why?
>
> Love, Gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Gloria,
}
} The Oracle tried several different approaches to resolve this
} question. The results perturbed me deeply.
}
} ======
}
} 1. My first attempt was to base my conclusion on a sheer
} brain-to-body-mass ratio.
}
} Under this criteria, homo sapiens rate rather high on the scale.
} However, the theory does not fit the observed facts. Most people
} have about the same size brain regardless of body size, therefore
} skinny people should be smarter than fat people (Just look at
} Rush Limbaugh or Ted Kennedy).
}
} Proponents of this theory point to Laurel and Hardy, Abbot
} and Costello, George Bush and Bill Clinton as examples where the
} skinnier partner is twice as smart as the fatter one. The Oracle
} must point out that all multiples of zero are still zero.
}
} 2. My next attempt was based on measuring the animal's ability to
} get the most out of life with putting the least amount of effort
} into the process.
}
} Homo sapiens once again rated high on this scale, particularly
} the sub-species, politician americanis. However, even they are
} surpassed by one other creature. -- Consider this, if you knew a
} person who was conceited, arrogant, lazy and spent his entire
} life doing nothing more than eating and sleeping; could you love
} him? (Forget, for the moment, that you may be married to him.)
} Now, take that same personality and wrap it in a fur-lined body,
} give it four feet and call it a cat, and see what you get.
}
} 3. My third attempt was to put the issue to a popular vote. By
} this measure, slime molds won in a landslide.
}
} Charges by Amoebas International that the slime molds stuffed the
} ballot boxes were totally unfounded. Although there are more
} amoebas than there are slime molds, political analysts state that
} the amoebas split their vote between the pro-tozoa and pro-tien
} factions in the party. This is confusing, particularly in a
} species that reproduces asexually.
}
} Given the relatively low crime rate and absolutely zero drug
} abuse among slime molds there just might be something to the
} intelligence of this species. Sure, not too many of them have
} PhDs, but don't confuse education with intelligence.
}
} ======
}
} Finally, I decided that I would have to actually test each
} species with a problem solving exercise. In a simulation, I
} arranged for comet Schumaker-Levy to smash into the earth.
}
} The homo sapien thought he was under attack by a foreign power,
} launched all his missiles and blew up the planet.
}
} The cat was giving itself a bath and didn't notice.
}
} The slime mold simply slithered across the lawn and turned into
} spores. Once again, proving its superiority.
}
} ======
}
} You owe the Oracle 29 gazillion dollars for postage on the
} absentee ballots.


668-03    (9cmhc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why isn't toast brown on the inside?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, finally, an easy question.  This week alone, I've had
} fifty-three questions on what to do with Haitian refugees,
} seventeen questions on the proper approach to U.S. dollar
} declines, one hundred and twenty-one questions on how to
} get a date with the only woman in the CS department, and
} three hundred seventy-two you know whats.
}
} I won't even have to access the databases for this one.
} You see, the heat of dissociation for carbohydrate chains
} is less than the mean-time integral heat for center-of-mass
} bodies.  That is, by the time that, according to Maxwell's
} equations, enough energy has been transmitted...
}
} Why what?  Oh, well, heat is transferred through neighboring
} molecules by a number of methods.  Most importantly, shared
} electron-shells (not to be confused with electron shell
} binding) can traslate vibrational energy through van der Wohl
} dispersion forces, and thus...
}
} What do you mean how?  That's just basic physics.  You see,
} each molecule is comprised of a series of probabilty
} distributions of electrons, and since they are shared between
} atoms within the molecule...
}
} Umm, let me think.  Okay, let me put it this way.  The dipole
} moment of an individual atom or molecule can be thought of
} as a distribution of charge.  So the attraction between two
} non-uniform charged objects...
}
} What?  That's simple electroweak theory.  Intermediate vector
} bosons, or photons in this case, act as intermediaries to
} convey attraction.  If you think of it as Heisenberg Uncertainty
} acting on two objects of uncertain position, you can see that
} there...
}
} Come on, supplicant.  You aren't even trying now.  Everybody
} knows this one.  The product of the momentum and the position
} of a particle is a constant, put in *ahem* layman's terms.
}
} All right!  I'm getting a little tired of this!  It's that
} way *because* *I* *said* *so*, okay?
}
} *ZOT*


668-04    (dckj8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> King Kong  Bundy Hosting the top ten fat wrestler guys doing their top
> ten best sweaty body splashes...
> Movies- top ten  chick movies that make a guy belch
> 1.Buck tooth Cavity Monster, Starring Marie Osmond with Donny Osmond as
> her lover...2.I've had a sex operation and I look like my
> brother,starring Janet Jackson as Michaeel...3.I am really a man but
> nobody will believe me, starring Bea Arthur as herself...4.I am woman
> hear me WHOOCHEECOOCHEEE starring Charro...5.Look at me I can't sing,
> starring Frank sinatra and his liquor...6. Da Jack what's with you,
> starring Suzanne Summers as chrissie 7.Brunette Bimbo on the Moon,
> starring shannon Doherty as Brenda... 8. Bionic Horse Maneur, starring
> Lindsay Wagner as Jamie and Lee Majors as Steve austin...9. That Poor
> Old Denture,starring Carol Channing...10, The church of prehistoric
> saints,the untold story,  starring Miccael Douglas as Adam, and Madonna
> as Eve, with Jim Carrey as Satan

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you.  You have just demonstrated very nicely for us why cousins
} should never marry.
}
} You owe the Oracle another question, when you are back on the
} medication please.


668-05    (6ipf8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle *wipes sweat from forehead* I need some help.
>
> I'm a member of the Queensland Police Service's Bomb disposal
> squad and I'm at a job now.  A mad bomber has placed a bomb
> aboard a City Council Bus so that if it's speed drops below
> 55kph it will explode, presuming I defuse it how can I
> sell the rights for this story with out being sued by the
> film makers who made 'Speed'?  Also I'm not sure
> should I cut the red wire or the blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Dear Supplicant,
}   Let me address the more immediate danger first. Do not
} cut those wires! Do not cut any wires! It's a trap -- it's
} made to look like any simple, run-of-the-mill highly
} complicated explosive device. Here's what you need to do:
}
} 1) Acquire a cellular telephone. This is most easily done
}   by leaping into a passing Jaguar convertible, grabbing the
}   phone from the driver's hand, shouting "He'll call you
}   back -- if he's not dead," and then jumping back on to
}   the bus.
}
} 2) Call Dennis Hopper. Ask him if he would like to do
}   lunch sometime.
}
}  a) If Hopper agrees to lunch, ask him politely if he
}    will give you a lot of money.
}   i) If he says yes, you're done. Just hop into the
}     next passing convertible. Tell the passengers that
}     you're just going to get supplies, then turn away
}     and smile menacingly.
}   ii) If he says no, you're screwed. You might  as well
}     stay and become a national hero.
}
}  b) If Hopper does not agree to lunch, ask him if he
}    knows anything about bombs, or who the mad bomber
}    might be.
}   i) If he says he does know something, just hang up.
}     He's insane -- don't listen to him.
}   ii) If he says he doesn't know anything, you have
}      found the mad bomber. Tell the police to go nab
}      him. You will know that they have arrived when
}      the bus explodes in a ball of fire.
}
} 3) In case 2.a.ii or 2.b.i, you still have work to do.
}   You have several options at this point, depending on
}   what you have available to you.
}
}  a) If you have the cast of "Gilligan's Island" on board,
}    have Ginger and Mary Ann do a strip tease in front of
}    the hidden camera (Mr. Howell can supply some cash to
}    the passengers to put in their panties), and send the
}    Professor to defuse the bomb. Throw Gilligan out the
}    window.
}
}  b) If you have a bunch of old cast iron bathtubs on board,
}    as well as some heavy Kevlar blankets, just have the
}    passengers get into those. Discuss with the driver
}    whether you should slam on the emergency brake and dive
}    into a tub "on three," or if you should count "one, two,
}    three -- and then go." In either case, remember to mention
}    to the driver that you are "too old for this sh*t."
}
}  c) If you have William Shatner on board, have him engage
}    the bomb in a battle of wits. He will logically maneuver
}    the bomb into a position where it has no choice but to
}    explode. While the bomb is processing, remove it from the
}    bus and step on the gas.
}
}  d) If you have several hundred thousand cans of 7UP on board,
}    look inside them until you find one with the words "Uncola
}    Island," printed on the bottom of the can. At this point,
}    follow the instructions inside the can -- you will soon
}    be whisked away to a tropical paradise.
}
}  e) If you have Richard Dean Anderson on board, point him to
}    the bomb, give him plenty of chewing gum, and relax -- he'll
}    figure it out.
}
}  f) If all else fails, try putting aluminum foil on the ends of
}    the red and blue wires, smack the side of the bomb with your
}    hand a few times, and then slouch on a seat and stare
}    mindlessly at it for the rest of the day.
}
}  If you have managed to follow these directions, McDonald's
} will be happy to buy the movie rights from you. To avoid any
} possible legal hassles, they will insert a wheelchair-bound boy
} and a cute, friendly alien, into the script.
}
}  You owe the oracle your life.


668-06    (6lpi2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle...oh, Oracle...
>
> What do you call the flap of skin that hangs down in the back of your
> mouth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know what YOU call it (pervert...), but the world calls it a
} Uvula, pronounced "You-Vue-Lah".  Named, of course, after the Roman
} Godess Uvuliptides, the Godess of pendulous hanging things.
}
} She didn't have quite as nice a figure as Venus's.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 14-hour bra and a sucker.


668-07    (ahv95 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and awe-inspiring, please tell me:
>
> What kind of a name is "Kinzler", anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Kinzler" is derived from the Proto-Indo-Arabian verb "kinz," meaning
} "to ask unanswerable questions."  The suffix "ler" is actually from
} ancient Sanskrit, meaning "often."


668-08    (3bgoi dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@romulus.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose wisdom laid end to end would encompass the globe
> 27 times,
>
> I am planning to start up a chain of lemonade stands in my hometown. To
> run all the other kids out of business, how many stands will I need per
> block, and what would the proper Country Tyme-to-water ratio be to get
> best taste for lowest cost?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, forget everything you know about economics. Economics is
} a myth taught in business colleges. The real world doesn't work like
} that.
}
} For a reasonable fee (reasonable to me, that is), I can arrange
} to have you put into the same category as banks, gambling casinos,
} insurance companies and the IRS. That is, "If you're not winning,
} change the rules."
}
} ======
}
} To run the other kids out of business:
}
} 1. Contribute generously to the campaign of, or give some hot
} investment tips to, (see also BRIBE) a few Congressmen to pass a
} law putting an involuntary investment contribution (see also TAX)
} on rich lemonade stand owners. Once the legislation passes,
} redefine rich to mean anyone making any kind of profit. Make the
} tax reverse-time compliant (see also RETROACTIVE).
}
} 2. Make sure the stands are EPA compliant:
}
}    - Have the any of the competition's locations that are located
} within 50 feet of a puddle redesignated as a wetlands.
}
}    - Have the any stand located within 50 feet of a garbage can
} condemned as a toxic waste site.
}
}    - Have lemons proclaimed an endangered species.
}
}    - Require an environmental impact statement for all new stand
} start-ups.
}
} 3. Make sure the stands are OSHA compliant:
}
}    - Require that all stands have seller's side air bags and can
} sustain a 20G side impact.
}
}    - Require that all stands have a designated non-smoking area
} of three miles, and enforce it.
}
}    - Invoke child labor laws. Redefine child if necessary.
}
} 4. Litigate the bastards out of existence.
}
}    - Lodge a discrimination or sexual harassment suit against
} your competitors. This should be easy to do. Most kids don't like
} grown-ups. Claim age discrimination.
}
}    - File a product liability suit. Assert that lemonade drinking
} is hazardous to your health and has been proven to cause cancer
} in laboratory slugs. You don't have to prove this claim, the
} National Enquirer and 60 Minutes will make it seem true even if
} it isn't.
}
} 5. Organize a demonstration or boycott
}
}    - Tell the right-to-lifers that a lemon fruit is actually an
} unborn lemon tree.
}
}    - Point out that lemons come from [fill in name of country
} here] noted for its dictatorial government and lack of human
} rights
}
}    - Unionize stands and immediately organize a strike.
}
}    - Claim that other fruits have been harmed in the harvesting of
} lemons.
}
} ======
}
} How you make a killing in the business:
}
} After the completion is eliminated, open up a lemonade stand.
} Redefine lemonade. As to the Country-Tyme-to-water ratio. Who
} cares? You're a monopoly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fresh squeeze.


668-09    (athe2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and omnipotent oracle ... Riddle me this:
> When does the clock taste red?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you eat it, silly.
}
} During the flood of New Deal legislation in the mid and late 1930's,
} it was made aware to the Roosevelt administration that people, in
} their desperation to get sustenance, were eating almost anything they
} could lay their hands on.  This included relatively common household
} appliances, such as clocks.  These elegant timepieces were expensive,
} but since the Roaring 20's had just passed, many people owned clocks
} since people were just into buying everything they could lay their
} hands on.  Unfortunately, during those days, clocks were not made
} very tasty.
}
} So a little-known piece of New Deal legislation, passed in 1937, was
} written to say that all clocks must taste red, a particularly tasty
} piece of the visual spectrum, provide one can tolerate the near-
} infared portion.  Clockmakers worked laboriously to impliment this
} change, and it was eventually discovered that a cheap process for
} making clocks that tasted red did exist.  Standarization quickly
} caused all clocks produced after 1940 to taste red.
}
} Two interesting side notes:  In 1933, to feed the people of Germany,
} Adolf Hitler ordered that clocks be made that tasted black.  Black,
} being a very inexpensive taste, also causes certain acute but
} indeterminate behavioural changes.  History speaks for itself.
}
} Another is that, in the early 1950's, it was mistakenly thought that
} red clocks contained trace but significant amounts of cyanide,
} triggering the so-called 'Red Scare'.  The panic passed only when
} Senator Joseph McCarthy ate a 120-foot replica of Big Ben with no ill
} effects.


668-10    (3evcc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I ship a load of packing peanuts??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pack them up in a suitably-sized rigid container that has no other use.
} I recommend a Yugo. Park it just uphill from the shipping docks. Put
} wheel chocks under the wheels, and set the parking brake.
}
} Stuff the peanuts in tightly, until they begin to make those little
} tiny foam-peanut screams of anguish. You know the ones I mean? First
} they make little squeaks, but then they really start to complain as you
} push more and more in. Just pretend you have a job working for the
} Tokyo Subway while you ignore the sound and keep pushing. Slam the hood
} on them.
}
} Seal the doors and windows with duct tape. Put the address ("Robert
} Dole, US Senate, Washington DC") on the roof, plainly visible, and
} write "Not Fragile" above it. The shipping clerks who routinely ignore
} boxes marked "Fragile" will take special note of this one and kick it
} around a bit.
}
} Remove the wheel chocks and let the Yugo roll down to the dock. Don't
} worry if it falls in, it will float. Tell the clerk that you only have
} to pay for "net weight". If she complains, say that that's the weight
} when they lift it in the net to put it on the ship.
}
} On board, the crew will laugh at the sight of a "Not Fragile" Yugo
} filled with peanuts and will play a game called "Cargo Drop" with it.
} When your package arrives, your recipient will find that it is filled
} with foam peanut butter. Of course, the problem with foam peanut butter
} is static electricity, which makes it stick to everything.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to get foam peanut butter off of the roof of
} your Yugo.


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