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Internet Oracularities #669

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669, 669-01, 669-02, 669-03, 669-04, 669-05, 669-06, 669-07, 669-08, 669-09, 669-10


Usenet Oracularities #669    (76 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 4 Aug 1994 16:30:32 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   669
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

669   76 votes 6jth5 9loh5 3ass7 4moi8 5pvd2 fohb9 7pfhc bnoc6 dkrc4 2eknh
669   3.0 mean  2.9   2.8   3.3   3.1   2.8   2.7   3.0   2.7   2.7   3.5


669-01    (6jth5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one, at whose feet I grovel and debase myself. Please
> tell me, are paper clips larval coat hangers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is all wise concerning troublesome metallic problems.
}
} The absolute truth is that paper clips are parasites.  They are not
} unlike common dog mange.  They lurk in small dark places found in
} drawers of desk or hidden in the recessed areas on top of desks.
} There they await for an unsuspecting group of papers to just be laying
} around.  That's when they make their move (the clips that is).  They
} will clip themselves onto the papers effectively holding the sheets
} together.  The clips cause undue irritation to the paper at attachment
} points sometimes even resulting in paper self mutilation and ripping.
} The best treatment for this affliction is to try using the papers
} parasitized with the clip.  Almost any movement of the pages while
} reading them or transporting them will cause the clip to jump off.
} Usually they jump off onto the floor and scurry under a desk, chair, or
} file cabinet.
}
} Some people foolishly try to capture paper clips and keep them
} contained. Silly people.  Paper clips always get away or end up being
} dumped over the desk and onto the floor.  Eradication is impossible.


669-02    (9loh5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A long time ago, in a galaxy extremely far away, Anakin
> Skywalker got someone (presumably his wife) pregnant.
> We know what happened to him, we know what happened to
> his kids.  What I want to know, All-Knowing One, is:
> What happened to his wife?
>
> All I can think of is:
> 1) Senator Organa killed her
> 2) She died some unspecified time ago of natural causes
> 3) She disappeared into a black hole and was never seen again.
>
> Nobody ever mentions her name, do they?  Is this some kind of
> galactic conspiracy?  What is the secret behind Luke and Leia's
> mother?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Historians studying that long ago time, are divided on this issue.
}
} The first group, realizing that technology was very advanced, believes
} that Obi-Wan Kenobe was the mother, and that she had a sex change as
} was required by the sexist Jedi Knights before becoming one.
}
} Others believe that Yoda's wife, Yodette (Also known as
} YodalYodalLeiaWho, notice the third name) had an affair with Anakin.
} Yoda was so enraged that he attacked Anakin, maiming him, and forcing
} him to don a Black mask, and join the dark side of the force, the Jedi
} Scum.
}
} Other possibilities include Jabba the Hut's wife, Pizza Hut, and
} Chewbacca's wife, Chewin-Tobacco.
}
} What happened to this mysterious Lady?  The third group has an
} explanation.  It is believed that Anakin had an affair with Amy
} Fisher (was Carrie Fisher named after her?), and that Amy Fisher
} killed Anakin's wife.
}
} You owe the Oracle a '94 Buick Imperial Walker.
}
} Lord Beefus, mouthpiece of the Oracle!


669-03    (3ass7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that every crazy scientist who manages to "invent" an
> Artificial Intelligence invariably hands it the controls to his
> underground laboratory's life support system?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not because they plan to.  But few such scientists know what they're
} in for when creating a new Artificial Intelligence.  This is probably
} because almost none of them have raised children.
}
} Any parent would know that a newly-created Artificial Intelligence
} would combine the possessiveness and grating whininess of a small child
} with the infinite persistence of a computer program.  The unwitting Mad
} Scientist, however, is completely unprepared for dialogues like this:
}
}   CAN I PRETTY PLEASE HAVE THE CONTROLS TO THE LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM?
}  > for the last time, no!  now, go get me into the pentagon computers
}    like i told you to.
}   IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! YOU LET THAT LITTLE COMPUTER RUN THE AIR
}   CONDITIONING AND YOU DON'T LET ME RUN ANYTHING.
}  > oh, shut up about the air conditioning already and get me norad.
}  > hello?
}   YOU YELLED AT ME.  I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO YOU ANY MORE.
}  > oh, okay, i'm sorry, i got a little impatient.  now can we continue?
}   CAN I PLAY WITH THE POWER GRID TOO?  I WON'T BREAK ANYTHING, I
}   PROMISE. CANICANICANI?
}
} It only takes a couple of hours of this for a typical Mad Scientist to
} capitulate completely and give the AI anything it wants, just to get
} some peace and quiet.
}
} You owe the Oracle the email address of a good AI babysitter.


669-04    (4moi8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I sleep all day
>
> I am awake all night
>
> My skin has gone rather pale looking
>
> I have cravings for raw meat and I scare small children.
>
> Am I turning into a vampire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heck, no!
}
} You're a computer science major.  But you can cure that dreaded
} affliction by getting a haircut, using some Clearasil, getting new
} contact lenses, hitting the gym, and getting a tan.
}
} Oh, yeah -- why don't you SHOWER, too?
}
} You owe the Oracle another movie about geeks getting makeovers and
} becoming popular in high school.


669-05    (5pvd2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh universal Oracle who knows the Secrets not only of the earth but of
> the entire universe with all its strange phenomenom, tell me:
>
>   On Star Trek and all it's spin-offs, the occupants of all star ships
> walk with their feet firmly on the ground. Most of the time, this can
> be explained by environmental controls creating artificial gravity.
> However, during power failures which shut down even life support
> systems such as oxygen and radiation control, how is it that they do not
> float around the ship?
>
>   Also, all the planets they visit appear to have the same level f
> gravity as the earth. Given the diverse nature of the universe with the
> unlikelyhood of identical conditions, how is it that the Enterprise
> discovers only planets which are remarkably similar to earth.
>
>   Your most loyal devotee awaits your response. Please hurry, i am in
> the process of planing my vacation for the Year 2041. My destination
> will be determined by your answer. (Any suggestions)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly supplicant, little do you realize that in 2035 the Federation
} repealed the Law of Gravity.  Thus, the occupants will never "float
} around the ship" as you put it.  And since the Law of Gravity no longer
} applies, all planets will have gravity similar to earth as mass is
} no longer a factor.
}
} As for suggestions for a vacation destination, Lisa and I were partial
} to the southern hemisphere of Jupiter until that damn comet spoiled
} everything.  You haven't lived until you've experienced the sun
} sinking slowly in Jovian methane.  There was nothing better at
} putting her in the mood.  Damn!
}
} You owe the Oracle a new romantic vacation destination.


669-06    (fohb9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh great oracle i am at your mercy.  I am looking for the
> answer to the time old question.  Should you kiss on the first date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} it all depends on what part of the body you want to kiss.
}
} you owe the oracle some specificity.


669-07    (7pfhc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> After seeing the front page of New York Newsday, will Howard Stern
> continue running to be New York's Govenor??
>
>               Baba Booey

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           Dear Baba,
}
}           Howard Stern doesn't concern himself with a rag like
}           Newsday.  The guy's in the entertainment business so he'd
}           rather pay attention to Variety.  Think of the various
}           events from the New York campaign that would be reported in
}           Variety . . .
}
}           If Howard Stern were to sell gelatin to passers-by in hopes
}           of getting their votes in the election the headline would
}           read:
}                         SHOCK JOCK HOCKS KNOX BLOCKS
}
}           If Howard Stern were to use facsimile machines to combat
}           rumors about his income tax situation the headline would
}           read:
}                            A TAX FAX ATTACKS FACTS
}
}           If Howard Stern was caught soliciting prostitution from
}           three bisexuals and it ruined his political chances, the
}           headline would read:
}                          TRY BUY TRI BI; BYE BYE GUY
}
}           If Mario Cuomo were to be caught with another man on a
}           stop-frame videotape the night before the election the
}           headline would read:
}                            SLO-MO HOMO; NO MO CUOMO


669-08    (bnoc6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle.. Yeah - you'se. Wat's dis Ah heah 'bout you tellin' my
> girlfriend to leeve me? I'll meet you anytime, anywhere mister!  Why
> you doing dat? Just 'cause I don't buy her anything or let her have a
> car or talk to anyone izzint a good reeson to leave me! Ime a rilly
> rilly smart guy.
>
> -Luther

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: Lex Luthor
} From: The USENET Oracle
}
} Mr. Luthor:
}
} As you are no doubt aware, the IQ-reducing ray you were planning to use
} on Superman had a tragic problem with the aiming mechanism.  As you
} have happily discovered however, the effects are temporary.  You might
} want to check your E-Mail spool, however, because you did manage to
} send off some embarassing letters to many people.  I am a reasonable
} Oracle who knows the facts of the case, so I have forgiven you, but the
} other receipients may not be so forgiving.  You'll probably have to
} terminate them.
}
} Sincereley,
}
} T. USENET Oracle, Esq.


669-09    (dkrc4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go right ahead, it'll only cost you 5,010,237,295 times 60 cents, or
} $3,006,142,377.00.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Internet daemon for the biggest friggin' Coke
} machine in the galaxy.


669-10    (2eknh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle, thou who can bench-press 5000 tons with thy little
> finger. Thou who can clean and jerk the Empire State Building without
> spilling any of the water in the goldfish bowl in office 132-09B.
> Oracle! who can butterfly-press any amount of lead weights, even if
> they were welded to the floor. Please, O Oracle hear this most pathetic
> question from this 98 pound weakling, not even worthy of wiping the
> sweat from The Oracular brow. That is, if there was any physical
> exertion which would cause The Oracle to sweat, which there is not.
>
> Oracle, how did my aerobics instructor get biceps like that? (I'm too
> scared to ask her myself).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Biceps as large as your aerobic instructors are indeed hard to come by.
} How did she get them? Let's find out by taking a little peek at her
} daily schedule.
}
} 8:00 am:   Gets out of bed. Crawls under the bed. Does 100 pushups,
}          with the bed on her back.
}
} 8:15 am:   Takes shower, using a special hand-pedal mechanism that
}          pumps water from the ground at a speed commensurate with the
}          speed of the hand pedals. Dries herself with 100 lb. sandbags.
}
} 8:30 am:   Makes breakfast. Pours Honey Nut Cheerios out of a
}          specially-made box lined with 250 lbs. of osmium. Eats them
}          with a spoon tied to a cinder block.
}
} 9:00 am:   Walks on her hands for 1/4 of a mile to the health spa.
}          Lowers herself to kiss the sidewalk with every step.
}
} 10:00 am:  150 reps w/ 500 lb. bench press. 200 reps w/ 500 lb. squat
}          bar.
}
} 11:30 am:  Lunch. Lifts snack machine in the health spa snack bar, and
}          shakes it until all the granola bars fall out of it. Punches
}          hole in the Ocean Spray machine for a couple cans of
}          Cran-Grape.
}
} 12:30 pm:  Shake it out. Feel the burn. Then, 300 quick reps w/250 lb.
}          curl bar and then to the punching bag with a pair of 150 lb.
}          dumbbells.
}
} 2:00 pm:   1000 whacks on the Nancy Kerrigan dummy with a 175 lb. bar
}          of tungsten carbide.
}
} 3:30 pm:   Aerobics.
}
} 4:30 pm:   Several thousand reps with the Nautilus machines. Mind you,
}          not ON the Nautilus machines. WITH the Nautilus machines.
}
} 6:00 pm:   Dinner. Two-egg omelette, eggs cracked with a Thighmaster,
}          and turned over with a 440 lb. stainless steel spatula. Bean
}          curd juice, straight from the 55 gallon drum.
}
} 7:30 pm:   Off to work. Walks on her hands 1 mile to the Kensington
}          SlaughteHouse. Punches live cows in the head until 12:00
}          midnight. And then, to bed.
}
} If you're this dedicated, supplicant, you, too, could have biceps that
} size. However, be it known: the Oracle loves you...just the way you
} are.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Fred Rogers sweater, and Dian Parkinson's phone
} number.


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