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Internet Oracularities #67

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67, 67-01, 67-02, 67-03, 67-04, 67-05, 67-06, 67-07, 67-08, 67-09, 67-10


Usenet Oracularities #67    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 26 Nov 89 02:26:59 GMT

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67-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gin!  my office is full of Gin!  I'm not sure that it's a sin!  Gin!
> Gin!  It is surely made of tin!  Gin!  Throw me in the trash bin!  Gin!
> It's dribbleing down my chin!  Gin!  Gin!  Gin!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rum!  Rum!  Rum!
} Poor the gin up your bum!
} Lick it `til you come!
} Rum!  Rum!  Rum!
}
} You owe the Oracle a teetotaler.


67-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most Wise!  My net.news doth runneth over with Epic tales of
> fearsome and Infinitely supple Net.Sex.Goddess Lisa!
> Sure I am that it is my humble Mortal Mind that is at fault in its
> understanding of the Events of the Gods, but who O Infinite Oracle,
> who is the Net.Sex.God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Lisa is known by the Oracle as the One true Net.Sex.Goddess.  However,
} since the Oracle can enter many different persona to arrive at an
} answer, I must give you the composite answer of the many souls who have
} known Lisa and who they say she truely is...
}
}  Elder Gods say Lisa is .. "That tasty bit of something I was playing
}                             snuggly-wugglies with at the annual Deity
}                             weinie roast"
}
}  Mere mortal men say Lisa is .. "This totally bodacious babe with major
}                              league woppers and a smooch that could suck
}                              the label off a bat."
}
}  Those blessed with          "The essence of pure woman. That aroma of
}  an artistic sense           the Gods (probably confused with fresh
}  say Lisa is ..              roasted wienies).  The embodiment of all
}                              that is beauty itself."
}
}
}  Frustrated Neophytes who "I dunno, but I've been holding up her never
}  get invited to the picture with one arm for a long time" really cool
}  Deistic parties say Lisa is..
}
}  You owe the Oracle one copy of "Moist" magazine and a package of Oscar
}  Meyers.


67-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do female humans only have two breasts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is obvious.  Triplets are rare.
}
} Other answers include:  (turn off smut sensitive hardware:)
}    Because three would be uncomfortable
}    Because symmetry is sexy
}    Because one would look silly
}    Because men have two hands
}    Because woman don't peak more than twice
}    Because one valley is enough for one man
}    Because...
}
} The FCC has censored the rest of this reply.
}
} You owe the oracle a cold shower.


67-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have always wanted to give someone (female, preferably) an erotic
> spanking. Tell me exactly how I should do it for the best effect.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although I, the Oracle, do not participate in such things myself, being
} all knowing, seeing, and hearing will give you some pointers on babe
} paddling.
}
} First make sure that she is naked (at least from the waist down).  This
} will insure that you get a good SMACK as you wallop her hiney.  Also
} make sure you hit her good and hard, nothing turns on a babe like a hard
} smack on the bare ass!
}
} Another important part of a good spanking is yelling, "Take this bitch!
} Now tell me you love it!" This is sure to turn you both on to the point
} of no turning back.
}
} You owe the (now sweaty) Oracle one package of French Ticklers.


67-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Has the governor's car shown its face despite the tragedy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I gather you're referring to the tragedy that occurred last Monday, when
} Governor Norbert U.  Ploobnoodle, trying to make his frigid wife Amy
} jealous, made love to his '85 Chevy Nova.  Well, his condom melted (the
} tailpipe was quite hot, you see; Norbert's foreplay consisted of driving
} the car frenziedly around the block twelve times) and Norbert was
} effectively glued into place behind the car.  Later that day, when his
} wife stepped out of the door to go shopping, she found the unfaithful
} couple still stuck in their latex embrace.  After rolling on the lawn
} laughing for several minutes, she called the paramedics and they
} separated the unfortunate Governor from his Nova.
}
} In answer to your question, no.  The car has been hiding in the garage,
} and the Governor has been hiding under the bed.
}
} You owe the Oracle the canonical list of "What do you get when you cross
} a ...  with a ..." jokes.


67-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did a sleazy guy named David Borgleglund just offer me $15.32 for my
> penis?  Isn't that a bit low?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sleezy guy David only offer you $15.32 for your penis?  Hmmm....he
} offer you money for your penis because:
}
} 1.  He felt sorry for it.  Because you were spending so much time asking
} the oracle questions that you didn't use your penis like is it supposed
} to be used.
}
} Now, I can see you asking..how do I use my penis?  Well dear, do you see
} those women?  They are the one who will show you how to use your penis
} correctly.  You see, the penis is for them.  You are to please them with
} it.  So, my dear..go to one of the woman and whip out your penis and
} say.."Could you please show me how to use this correctly so I may earn
} more money."
}
} 2.  He wanted to add your penis to his to impress his girlfriend that he
} is now 16 inches long instead of ordinary 14 inches.
}
} 3.  He also wanted to satify his girlfriend because one penis was not
} enough for her and he doesn't want to share his girlfriend with any
} other guy.  So he came up with the solution to have two penises to
} satify her at the same time.
}
}         Tell David, that the price for your penis is too low.  If you do
} what the oracle suggest in number 1, the value of your penis will
} increase 1000 times more than what it is worth now.
}
}         You owe Oracle a book "Penis - what is it for?"


67-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
>         In case you haven't notice, I been a good girl this year.  In
> fact so good that even my mom think that there is something wrong with
> me.  She doesn't know that I want something from the great Oracle.
>
>         What do I want, you asked me?  Well...I would like to have two
> things...1.  I would like to have the Next computer.  Is it possible
> that I will get a Next computer?  If not next, I will take any other
> computer!  2.  Hmmmm....I am sure that you know what I want!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} take the double-headed studded Jeff Stryker life-size real-feel
} intruder.  it may seem like folly now, but i am sure that in the long
} run, you will be very pleased and satisfied by this choice.  the neXt
} computer will, I predict, become outdated in 8.5 months, when the woz
} comes out with his superconducting jello-ram.  this will provide society
} with thumbnail sized supercomputers, which comparing to a cray would be
} like comparing a ti-99 to a cray.  (not very useful.) Take the dildo.
} it will make you happier than any man.
}
} You owe the oracle one video tape of you using it.


67-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kind of underwear does Lisa the net.sex.goddess wear?
> Or does'nt she?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, now this is a pleasure to answer.  She wears a simple front-opening
} black half-cup bra, suspenders, stockings and see through G-string
} pants.
}
} When in Scotland she wears thermal underwear, so don't date her there.
} It is too cold.
}
} In sunny parts she removes the bra and slips a baggy T-shirt over her
} firm breasts, her long hair flows like a waterfall of rainbow colours,
} and her nipples show through like dark coins.  You'd like seeing her
} then.  Actually that's how you will see her.  I'll try to fix it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a phone card.


67-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why would anyone need Allen Digital Computer Organs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, but ADCO's are the ultimate in bionics!  Imagine having an organ
} built to your (and your lover's ;-) exact specifications.  Length,
} width, height, duration -- all the dimensions under precise digital
} control.  Advanced models can even incorporate a built-in vibrator for
} those times you're just too pooped to pop yourself.
}
} With a modem unit in your Allen Digital Computer Sexual Organ, you can
} participate directly in the pioneering realm of netsex.  Watch out for
} those viruses, though.
}
} In payment to the Oracle, you must give a flying fuck.


67-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, I have a problem.
> It seems that Lisa, the net.sex.godess has asked me to be one of her
> love slaves.  I wish not to disappoint her, but I have finals in two
> weeks, and risk failing the class as it is.  Lisa wants an answer by
> tonight, so I can't just wait until after finals are over to join her
> harem as she makes me rub exotic oils all over her interface and then
> she ties my hands and feet to the bedpost and then she licks my entire
> body over and over again until I can't stand it any more and climax in
> unbelievable pleasure and squirt all over Lisa's body and that only
> makes her more excited as she tells me to tie her to the bedposts and
> makes me spank her and then when her bottom is cherry red she tells me
> to retrieve the large battery-operated long thingy in the top drawer
> and...^C
> ..^C..
> ^C
> ***INTERRUPT***
> Sorry, got carried away.  Anyhow, my problem is...hmm...  did I say I
> had a problem?  Anyhow, is it worth risking an "F" in a class to work
> as a love slave for Lisa, or am I just thinking with my penis again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Up to you...Lisa tends to maltreat her love slaves.  Sure, she promises
} them all manner of wonderful experiences of the type you mention, and
} sometimes gives them an alleged foretaste of such carnal delights before
} they agree to servitude.  But the Oracle knows the truth.  The Oracle
} has even used Its Oracular powers to temporarily change Its body and
} mind and very essence into exact duplicates of Lisa's, and It knows
} exactly what Lisa will do to you once you are in her power.  Trust It,
} It's _been_ Lisa (nasty, narrow little sex-obsessed mind, a very tight
} squeeze for the Oracular Mind, and an incredibly stupid woman in
} general).  In your case, she will find you sorely lacking in talent, and
} after your first session with Lisa you will wake up in Lisa's secret
} prison camp in Mexico, castrated, forced to eat food laced with huge
} doses of female hormones, and subjected to constant brainwashing
} convincing you that you want to be a woman.  Then the sex-change
} operation and the breast implants and the new face and the courses in
} makeup and clothes...look, Lisa's one sick puppy, or the Oracle supposes
} that It means "bitch," and you'll regret having anything further to do
} with her.  Why do you think that Lisa, with so many men insanely
} attracted to her, would single out a geek like you?  Why, for the pure
} malicious fun of taking this horrid revenge on you when you don't
} measure up to her exacting standards.
}
} And you're worried about getting an F.  If you give in to Lisa, you'll
} be turned into a coed.


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