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Internet Oracularities #670

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670, 670-01, 670-02, 670-03, 670-04, 670-05, 670-06, 670-07, 670-08, 670-09, 670-10


Usenet Oracularities #670    (68 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 9 Aug 1994 16:24:59 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   670
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

670   68 votes 39nmb hth32 4imi6 5ejhd ahje8 2fko7 35bqn 2chmf 6frh3 djje3
670   3.1 mean  3.4   2.2   3.1   3.3   2.9   3.3   3.9   3.5   2.9   2.6


670-01    (39nmb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: LRH <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this guy sitting next to me in the Lite Beer cap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The guy on your left wearing the Lite Beer Cap is a disk jockey for a
} local radio station. His wife just left him for an overweight tenor in
} the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. He's not in a stable state of mind right
} now.  If he wants to eat all the peanuts, let him. He's got an UZI in
} the dufflebag at his feet, and he's just waiting for someone to tell a
} joke about how some scmuck's wife has just left him, or a joke about
} fat choir singers, so he can spray lead all around the Bar and go out
} in a blaze of glory.
}
} The guy on your right is an overweight tenor in the Mormon Tabernacle
} Choir. Give him your beer and leave.


670-02    (hth32 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail, count Oracula.
>
> Why is it that all vampires are suckers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Oh, I am not in the right vein today!" answered the blood cell.


670-03    (4imi6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle...
>
>   What would happen if, in a million years, some
> scientists took the blood of a mosquito trapped
> in amber that had recently bitten Dan Quayle or
> Bill Gates and then restored them to life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They'd put them both on an island somewhere, and open a theme park
} around them called "Jackassic Park."
}
} And, while the geneticists who brought them back will
} swear that there's no possible way they could ever mate, the chaos
} theory proves itself true once more, and out of nowhere the population
} of the island park is flooded with miniature people in spectacles and
} bad suits. They take over the geneticists' labs, sit at their
} computers, and begin writing bad novels about the effects of computers
} on family values, using Windows Write.
}
} Then, the nukes land.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Standing Firm," in Windows "help file"
} format.


670-04    (5ejhd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh almighty Oracle whose knowledge knows no bounds, please tell me,
> Why do my friends keep abusing my good nature?
>
> Your Humble and Ever Grateful Servant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Excerpted from _Dyinaddicts_, the #1 self-hell bestseller by
} L. Wrong Hubbard:
}
}         Chapter 64: Why Do My Friends Keep Abusing My Good Nature?
}
}      If you find yourself asking this question over and over,
}     you have what is referred to in the industry as malamigosis
}     (literally, an inflammation of bad friends). The symptoms
}     may vary, but the cause of the problem is always(*) the
}     same: Your friends are doing far more drugs than you are.
}     They are dying addicts. As they march down the road toward
}     the Last High (see Ch. 97: Preparing For The Last High),
}     they become more and more needy, and less able to give
}     anything in return (see Ch. 66: Giving Less, Taking More).
}
}      What you need to do is learn to make yourself miserable
}     without the help of your friends (see the Forward: History
}     Of The Self-Hell Book) -- after all, they will soon be gone.
} ********************Message interrupted by Oracle***************
}
}        Sorry, wrong book. Try this one:
}
}  Excerpted from _I'm Okie, You're Okie_:
}
}        Chapter 17: Win yer friends don't have no common
}                    courtesy no more.
}
}      Have y'ever noticed that, win yer sippin' limmunade (er swill,
}     fer all that matters) on yer porch on a sunny day, an' Rex
}     (er Flash, er Cujo -- it don' matter -- I'm talkin' 'bout
}     yer dawg) is right there at yer feet (just whur any good dawg
}     would be, if it has any learnin'), an' you ain't worryin' 'bout
}     nuthin (not even squarshin' yer dawg's tail with the rockin'
}     chair -- 'cause he's learnt better, by now), but just settin'
}     in the chair with no worries, and then here come ol' Chuck
}     (er Billy, er Jed -- it don' matter -- I'm talkin' 'bout yer
}     neighbor), just a gawkin' at yer tin shed out back, like nobody
} **************SENTENCE TIMED OUT BY FOREIGN HOST********************
}
}  Oh nevermind, I'll answer it myself:
}
}   It is because your Bad Nature is much more difficult to abuse.
} ------
}  You owe the Oracle a rusted old Pontiac
}  with 10 kilos in the trunk.


670-05    (ahje8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great And Wise On^J^J
> ZZ
> ZZ
> x
> q
> quit
> ^D
> ^D
> ^D
> exit
>
> shit

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please, sir, read the Oracle FAQ. Aborting a mail message to the Usenet
} Oracle is achieved by pressing Ctrl-*ZOT*.
}
} You owe the Oracle a piece of tun^X
} ^X
} ^X
} oops
} ^*ZOT*


670-06    (2fko7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes oh great one...
> I was wondering if Girl Scout Cookies are really made from Girl Scouts.
> If so, through what process are Girl Scouts selected as being
> worthy of becoming one of these ever so popular cookies?
>
> I am also interested in the ingredients of an oatmeal raisin girlscout
> cookie.
>
> Thanks so much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     A perceptive question, o my Querent. Actually, what is little known
} is that the Girl Scouts are part of the Great Pagan Conspiracy (also
} see Captain Planet and the Planeteers) to overthrow White Christian
} America and send us all straight to Satan. On the third New Moon in the
} month of January, oracle bones taken from a slaughtered Webelos are
} cast by each Girl Scout Troop, and the Sacrificial Cookie Virgin is
} chosen by this divination. (No, I don't know whether they actually
} _have_ to be virgins.) This Sacrificial Cookie Virgin (hereafter known
} as SCV) is then spirited away from her family and across the Atlantic
} Ocean where, on the darkest night of February, all the SCVs are
} gathered at Stonehenge by dark-robed Druidic priests of Set, Pluto, and
} other socially unacceptable deities. The priests then take a wild
} badger and forcefeed it Night Train, while the SCVs disrobe and lie on
} the ground. The badger is then let loose to rampage through Stonehenge.
} Any SCVs that the rampaging badger touches are immediately slaughtered
} and ground up finely to be added to the cookies. While the unselected
} SCVs have no further status, the badger is honored and feted for the
} rest of his life on a small country estate in northeastern New York.
} After all, everyone's heard of Girl Scout merit badgers.
}
} You owe the oracle either ten boxes of Thin Mints or a copy of Frazer's
} _Golden Bough_.


670-07    (35bqn dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Wonderful Oracle,
> Where do Wombats Walk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple and Simpering Supplicant,
} Wombats Walk Because They Need to Look Busy.
}
} Your typical WOMBAT (Waste Of Money, Brains, And Time) knows what he
} is and how precarious his position.  You know them...can't think,
} can't teach, can't learn, but somehow always manages to be in the
} right place at the right time, and usually winds up fairly high on
} the pecking order.  The key to WOMBAT surival is simply to find a
} group that's going somewhere, then attempt to look as if you lead it.
}
} Of course, this wouldn't happen if we didn't obscure the truth with
} vague or pompous names or titles.  I mean, someone listed in the
} corporate directory as "J. Wellington Barske, Executive VP, Division
} of Wage and Hour Relational Database Management" sounds important,
} but chances are that nobody knows who he is or what he does.  We need
} to get back to basics, back to the Middle Ages custom of using your
} job title as a surname, to the 'Dances With Wolves' habit of naming
} someone for what she does.  Then, and only then, will WOMBATs be easy
} to spot:
}
} 1ST PERSON:   Good morning, Gets-Paid-To-Sit.
} 2ND PERSON:   Good morning, Clueless Wonder.  How are things?
} 1ST PERSON:   Fine, fine.  Say, have you seen Sucks-Up-To-Others
}               today?  He owes me a report on widget production in
}               the CIS.
} 2ND PERSON:   Oh, he's in talking to Thinks-He's-God.  Ask
}               the receptionist, she'll know where it is.
}
} [1ST PERSON wanders off to talk to Secretly-Does-All-The-Work]
}
} You owe Knows-Everything your job title.


670-08    (2chmf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Uncle Orrie, I wanna hear a story!
>
> I wanna hear a story about bunny-rabbits going
> hippety hoppety, hippety hop in the garden!
> And eating cauliflower in the garden! And eating
> apples from the trees, and stealing chickens!
>
> Pleeeease, Uncle Orrie, tell me a story about bunny-rabbits!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Story of the Hippety Hoppety Bunny Rabbits
}             by the Oracle
}
} Once upon a time, there were two hippety hoppety bunny rabbits.
} They lived in a garden.  All day long long, they went hippety hoppety,
} hippety hop in the garden.
}   The hippety hoppety bunny rabbits loved to eat cauliflower.  Every
} day, they'd eat the cauliflower that grew in the garden.  Then they
} would hippety hoppety, hippety hop some more.
}   When an apple fell from the giant apple tree, the hippety hoppety
} bunny rabbits would hippety hoppety, hippety hop to the fallen apple
} and gobble it up.  Yummy!
}   Then, one day, the hippety hoppety bunny rabbits went to the chicken
} coop to steal some chickens so they could sell them and buy some
} marijuana, so they could hippety hoppety, hippety hop like never
} before.
}   But Arnold Schwarzaneggar the Farmer saw the hippety hoppety bunny
} rabbits stealing the chickens, so he went into his arsenal.
}   Arnold the Farmer picked up an AK-47 and fired at the hippety hoppety
} bunny rabbits.  Bang Bang! went the gun.  The hippety hoppety bunny
} rabbits were killed.
}   Arnold the Farmer picked up a grenade and threw it at the hippety
} hoppety bunny rabbits.  Boom! went the grenade.  The hippety hoppety
} bunny rabbits were blown to little pieces.
}   Arnold the Farmer picked up a Stinger missile and fired it at the
} hippety hoppety bunny rabbits.  Kaboom! went the missile.  The hippety
} hoppety bunny rabbits were incinerated.
}   Arnold the Farmer picked up an MX and fired it at the hippety hoppety
} bunny rabbits.  BOOM! went the MX.  The hippety hoppety bunny rabbits
} were turned into energy.
}
}                  THE END.
}
} The moral of this story is?
} (a) just say no to drugs
} (b) thou shalt not steal
} (c) there is too much violence in stories
} (d) Arnold kicks ass
}
} The correct answer is (d)
}
} You owe the Oracle some stew.  What kind?  Hmm...


670-09    (6frh3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> which gopher should i use to find information about marathon running?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, oh bluntly non-complimentary and terse supplicant, you have
} several choices available.
}
} THE STUPID CARTOON GOPHERS FROM 'GO GO GOPHERS'
}
} Yes, those whacko cartoon bucktoothed F-Troop wannabes.  Of course,
} they don't actually know anything about marathons.  In fact, they
} don't seem to know a damn thing about anything.  But hey, they were
} able to demonstrate to the North American public that there COULD be
} a worse show than F-Troop.
}
} THE MUCH MORE WILY GOPHER FROM 'CADDYSHACK'
}
} Now, you might well wonder what our fairway-dwelling friend knows
} about running.  The truth is that he doesn't, but he's a good friend
} of Bill Murray, who portrayed someone who knew about running in
} another film.  (The gopher, in fact, had a bit part in 'Meatballs,'
} in which the running theme held second place only to hooters.)  If
} nothing else, he'll be able to tell you how to use plastic explosive
} to down your opponents.
}
} WINSLOW THE MARATHON GOPHER
}
} Yes, the cute little mascot of the Marathon Oil Megacorporation.
} Slogan:  "Our cute animals aren't covered with our oil."  Winslow
} will be happy to tell you all about Marathon....
}
} FRED GRANDY (aka GOPHER from 'The Loooooove Boooooaaaaaat')
}
} Fred Grandy, formerly of the Love Boat and now an Iowa Congressional
} Dude, ran against Hugely Incumbent and Closely Resembling Saddam
} Hussein Governor Terry Branstad.  Fred very nearly defeated Terry in
} the primary elections this year, and has promised to run again...and
} again...and again.  Talk about marathon running!  He'll be as hard to
} stop as that damn bunny.
}
} You owe the Oracle Nike.  Not the shoes, the goddess.  I admire a
} woman who can bench-press me.


670-10    (djje3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And what am I to do in Illyria (sp?) ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get Wellyia?


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