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Internet Oracularities #671

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Usenet Oracularities #671    (76 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 15 Aug 1994 08:16:19 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   671
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

671   76 votes etn73 4axm7 5drp6 fuja2 17lsj 3erma 1kvf9 hfhha 5mBb1 6biqf
671   3.0 mean  2.4   3.2   3.2   2.4   3.8   3.3   3.1   2.8   2.8   3.4


671-01    (etn73 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between Kazakhstan, a bowl of Rice Krispies and
> a Ford Probe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Kazakhs haven't paid anyone under the table to get themselves
} mentioned in an Oracularity.


671-02    (4axm7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have difficulty driving my car - its not that its a complicated
> vehicle, I just dont seem to understand it. Can you suggest some ways
> to make driving simpler and to improve my understanding my car?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MAKING DRIVING SIMPLER
} ----------------------
} 1) Remember, the "R" on the gear shift does *not* stand for "REAL Fast"
} 2) Traffic lights and stop signs should be treated as suggestions.
} 3) When talking on your cellular phone, reading the paper, engaging in
}    sexual activity, or other distracting behaviors while driving,
}    always do so in one of the center lanes. That way, you'll run into
}    something movable (i.e., another car) rather than immovable (i.e., a
}    Jersey Wall) when you inevitably wander out of your lane.
} 4) Under the recently signed UN Treaty in Support of Active Evolution,
}    seat belts and child seats will soon be optional throughout the
}    world. (There are many other changes dictated by this doucment --
}    e.g. no inspection of bungee jumping equipment, outlawing childproof
}    lighters, etc., too detailed to go into here). Behave accordingly.
} 5) Don't use turn signals. It wears out the bulbs faster.
} 6) To minimize wear and tear on your brakes, slow down by running the
}    tires into the curb.
} 7) You'll be better off driving a large, old car when it comes to on
}    road driving duels, as the other driver will have more to lose.
}    The ideal vehicle for this purpose is a 1969 Chevy Impala with at
}    least one rusted thru fender and numerous bumper dings. A gun rack
}    holding a 20 gauge shotgun, with a sign hanging from it saying "My
}    other gun is a HOWITZER" wouldn't hurt, either.
}
} UNDERSTANDING YOUR CAR
} ----------------------
} This is *not* your problem. This is something for the guys down at the
} service station to worry about. They don't understand your car, either,
} but (in a classic example of Chaos Theory in action which has spurred
} remarkably little research) are often able to get it to function
} properly anyway. Look for these signs which generally indicate a
} mechanic with "the luck o' the random":
}   1) Hasn't shaved in at least two but no more than five days
}   2) Oval patch on striped shirt with names "Earl" "Gus" or "Jimmy"
}      strongly recommended over those with names like "Emile",
}      "Booger", or "Basil".
}   3) Uniforms which look like they came out of the laundry w/ grease on
}      them
}   4) Don't let on that they know you're being condescending to them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1966 Ford Galaxy with a Thunderbird engine, just
} like Daddy used to have. And a grovel.


671-03    (5drp6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girl friend informed me she is from Transylvania.  Can I safely let
> her continue to bite me on the neck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good god man!  What could be more frightening coming from your
} girlfriend than "I'm from Transylvania.  Can I bite your neck?"  For
} all you bachelors out there, here are a few more key phrases that
} should set warning bells off in your head should your girlfriend utter
} them:
}
} - "I LOVE kids!"
}
} - "Sex is good, but what I *really* like is to cuddle afterwords."
}
} - In fact, any sentence containing the word "cuddle."
}
} - "I don't understand why Manson never gets parole."
}
} - "Either THAT thing goes or I go!" (points at computer)
}
} - "I have a penis..."
}
} - "and it's bigger than yours."
}
} - "I've heard that deodorant is bad for you."
}
} - "Do you love kids as much as I do?"
}
} Avoid women who say these things at all costs.  Look for women who say
} nice things, or, optionally, nothing at all.  You won't regret it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a wooden stake.


671-04    (fuja2 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please Please Please your freatness of all knowingness
> Your roundness of all rounds. Knower of all
>
> Tell me where to get information on contempary music.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Naturally, to get information on Contempary Music, I recommend going to
} the source: The planet Pava, 18 light years away, where Contempary
} Music will be invented in about 65 years, although some scholars say
} Contempary didn't really begin until The Converts played at the 2077
} All-Pava Mud Festival. That, of course, was when the lead honfaa
} player, Edith Fang, teamed up with vocalist Simon Wolfspit for the
} first time to perform "Back on old Earth."
}
} Some good sources are Aqmest's "Contempary Rhythms," Ho and Bolivar's
} "Theory of Contempary Music," and Hofstadter's four-volume set "History
} of Contempary Music," especially volume four, "The End, 2083-2087." If
} your library can get them, any extant copies of "Contempary Times
} Magazine" may be invaluable. Try to find the special August 2074 issue
} on Trans-Pavan Contempary styles.
}
} You owe the Oracle a thesis on Contempary Music. It's due in 2092, by
} the end of Spring Term. Your advisor will be Ms. Lisa Honinbo.


671-05    (17lsj dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to make a bomb to distract the bad guys while I enter the shack
> they're guarding to free a captive endangered bird.  Unfortunately, I'm
> out in the middle of the woods armed only with a pocketknife, styling
> mousse, crazy glue, and plutonium.  How can I make a bomb?
>
> -- Angus MacGyver

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take the pocketknife, kill several small (preferably non-endangered)
} animals.  Skin these animals, make a one-armed toga with the pelts
} using the crazy glue to hold the pelts together.
}
} Next, again with the pocket knife, cut down a tree (preferably not an
} old-growth tree) and carve a "stone-age" looking car out of the trunk.
}
} Put on the toga, slick down your hair with the styling mouse, and climb
} into the car.  Yell "YABBA-DABBA-DO" a lot.  You now have the biggest
} bomb of the summer.
}
} By the way, sell the plutonium, and use the proceeds to advertise your
} bomb into the ground.
}
} ----
} You owe the Oracle 30 clams and a bowl of Fruity Pebbles (part of this
} complete breakfast).


671-06    (3erma dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Eh, lad. These Orackyooolarittities we're seeing now ... weeell, they
> joost ain't like the ones we used to have when I were a lass. Eh, when
> I were young, you used to get a three-page answer, written in verse,
> delivered in milliseconds, and all from a null question ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr A. Supplicant,
} 101 Supplicular Drive
} SUPP 103423-343.
}
} Dear Mr Supplicant,
}
} We of the Oracular Questions Standards Committee (OQSC) have
} investigated your question after receiving a complaint from a Mr T.
} Oracle, of Indiana. After our own examination of your question we
} conclude that several parts of it are deliberately misleading. We
} quote:
}
} "when I were a lass" - The average reader is likely to interpret this
} as meaning "a long time ago". In fact it means 'before [your]
} sex-change operation last Thursday'.
}
} "delivered in milliseconds" - We feel that borrowing the definition of
} "milliseconds" from the "week" mentioned in Genesis without explanation
} is again misleading.
}
} "three-page answer, written in verse" - This statement is likely to
} cause third parties to expect more than a four-line limerick, spattered
} in control codes that coincidentally include several form feeds.
}
} Furthermore, your question completely ignores the changes made in the
} Oracular system to ensure all Oracularities are cruelty-free. Fast
} turnarounds and lengthy answers to null questions may have been a
} feature of the old system, but there was a darker side. You have
} conveniently forgotten how computer nerds were chained to
} terminals with no chance for exercise, visits to the toilet, and only
} one cubic metre of space per nerd. Unlike the present, superficially
} similar, situation, this was not voluntary. More cruel still, Steve
} Kinzler would be ready with a cattle prod should any of the nerds not
} perform at 100%.
}
} We expect you to YEEOOOWWW!!! publically withdraw or OW!!! correct your
} misleading question OUCH!!! within one calendar month, or further
} YAH!!!! action will be taken.
}
} Yours sincerely,
}
} (squiggle)
}
} A Penpusher,
} Secretary,
} Oracular Questions Standards Committee.


671-07    (1kvf9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I quit my job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Leaving one's job is always a momentous occasion, from the very first
} time you slam that fifty-pound bag of flash-frozen fries to the floor,
} screaming at the manager that if he knows so much he can fry his own
} damn McFries, to the time when you give your resignation speech at the
} dinner held in your honor by the Omnipotent Multinational Corporation.
}
} The fact that you have asked The Oracle implies you have some anxiety
} about making this decision.  Well, We will set your mind at ease;
} ponder your situation in the light of the following:
}
}       - You must be happy with what you do, or at least not unhappy:
}       making US$70,000 a year would be fabulous, but not if it was for
}       wandering the sewer system in New York City looking for dead
}       bodies.
}
}       - You must be able to support yourself with your wage: getting
}       paid US$3 an hour to play video games would be Way Cool, but
}       you'd have to survive on Ramen Noodles, which, while
}       theoretically possible, has never actually been proven to work
}       reliably.  Given a choice, take the stiff-seeker job.
}
}       - You must be able to take pride in your work: when you attend
}       your father's resignation speech at the OMC's dinner party and
}       are speaking with your tablemates, part of the introductions will
}       include What You Do For A Living (Introduction Guidlines, section
}       III).  After the others say things like, "I collect clinical
}       trial data for AIDS research", "I work in General Hospital's
}       emergency room", "I'm a sanitation engineer - I clear corpses
}       from city sewers", you'll feel very silly having to say, "I
}       rescue bitmapped Princesses from artificially intelligent
}       mushroom dinosaurs"
}
} If any of these requirements are not met, perhaps you should seek a new
} job.  Be careful to secure your new job before quitting your old one.
}
} If, however, you find your old job is not so bad after all, well, at
} least you'll have a better outlook on your life.
}
} You owe The Oracle a mint copy of the pamphlet "I'm OK, You're OK"


671-08    (hfhha dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TH
> +++ATZ
> ATE0Q0V0
> ATI0
> ATM1L1
> ATDT6203119

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} +++ATH


671-09    (5mBb1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and benevolent Oracle:
>
> Do fish stink under water?  I mean, if they do, has anyone thought of
> the deodorant market for these little stinkers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh man, do they ever. In fact, piscine deodorant sales account for
} 90% of Procter and Gamble's revenues today.
}
} Unfortunately, the heavy use of aerosol underfin deodorants is having
} a disastrous effect on the Hydrogen Peroxide Layer in the upper
} hydrosphere. This layer is vital in blocking the Sun's ultraviolet
} rays from getting to the ocean floor.
}
} A single CFC molecule used in aerosol sprays can break up 100,000
} hydrogen peroxide molecules, and it can take a molecule upwards of
} 20 years to drift up the four kilometers from the bottom of the ocean.
} So even though research into environmentally safer deodorants is
} underway, the Hydrogen Peroxide Hole over the North Pole is expected
} to continue growing for decades even after aerosols are banned.
}
} You owe the Oracle some SPF 25 sunblock for his goldfish.


671-10    (6biqf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to cook a mermaid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you can't think of anything better to do with a mermaid,
} you need more than an Oracle.


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