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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> when I will beat this summer cold . . . when I will find a job that is > not demaning & requiring me to suck up to real assholes . . . when I > can discover how to make living from hanging around the net?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } When will you learn proper Oracle etiquette and begin with } a sincere grovel? } } When will you learn to capitalize your sentences? } } When will you learn to punctuate your sentences? } } When will you approach life with a sense of humor? } } When will you learn that, since you are still alive, } and not in a hospital on a respirator, that you have } already beaten your summer cold.  Your symptoms are a } sign that your body is fighting it off.  Your poor } outlook may have a lot to do with how slow your immune } system seems to be working. } } When will you learn that cheerfulness, courtesy, and a } sincere willingness to be of service *DOES NOT* equate } to "sucking up".  The term "asshole" here is an extremely } subjective call, and you should take the time to put } yourself in the other person's shoes once in a while. } You *might* make a friend or ally with that approach. } } And finally, when will you get a life?  To help you here, } the Oracle will share the formula: } } 1.  BE PROACTIVE - Instead of *reacting* to everything that }     comes along, go out and actually *do* something to make }     your life better.  Even if it's something very small to }     start out, it's still a start. } } 2.  BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND - You have to *know* what you }     want to get what you want.  Make a mental picture of what }     it is you want and focus your life. } } 3.  PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST - Do what you *need* to do first, }     not what you *want* to do first. } } 4.  THINK WIN/WIN - If you think in terms of winners and losers, }     what side do you think you'll come out on most?  Get it? }     Be helpful, be courteous, be willing to be of service.  You'll }     automatically be a winner, and so will those you come in to }     contact with. } } 5.  SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD  - I guarantee, }     the number of "assholes" you meet will decrease by an order of }     magnitude, and the number of friends and allies you'll meet }     will increase accordingly. } } 6.  SYNERGIZE - The sum is greater than the whole.  Cooperation }     and interdependence between people makes the individual's }     contribution yield more positive energy than he/she puts in. } } 7.  SHARPEN THE SAW - Go have a real conversation with a live }     person.  Get some exersize.  Play frisbee.  Swim in a lake. }     Hug a puppy.  Read a book - something challenging. } } Are you getting this?  The Oracle works at a job like everybody else. } The Oracle *tries* to stick to the above advice and admits that it } is a challenge.  The Oracle also has a job with Usenet access!  There } might be something to his advice *after all*. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to get a life, and pass this on to } another person.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me what you know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Jane Austen Society of North America was founded in 1979. } A full house beats a flush. } From the 8th to 11th centuries Spain was dominated by the Moors. } There are fourteen counties in Denmark, but the city of Copenhagen is } separate from all of them. } The flag of Libya has only one color. } There are no female peacocks. } You may safely eat oysters during the months of January, February, } March, April, Mayr, Jurne, Julry, Argust, September, October, November, } and December. } The word "polish" is the only English word which changes pronounciation } when capitalized. } A light year is the distance that light travels in one year. } Woodchucks do not actually chuck wood. } The tracks on a single compact disk are around three miles long. } The gerund is a verbal noun ending in -ing. } The first day of the 21st century will be January 1, 2001. } In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn a stately pleasure dome decree. } The creator of the artificial language Esperanto did not name it. } In the game of Go, two eyes live. }   . }    . }     . }      [5,037,974,657,122,209,973,420,811,939,382 lines }      omitted to keep from overflowing your mail buffer.] }     . }   . }  . } A preliminary version of the programming language Pascal was drafted in } 1968. } A forfeited baseball game has an official score of 9 to 0. } A pound of gold weighs 1240 grains less than a pound of feathers. } For any angle in the plane, the square of the sine plus the square of } the cosine is one. } The "carrier wave" of AM radio doesn't actually carry anything. } The word "piss" is an example of onomatopoeia. } } You owe the Oracle a larger reference library.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We just got a two-processor computer, and it turns out that one of > the processors works in English, while the other works in Hebrew. > This means that one writes into ram from left to right, while the > other writes into ram from right to left. As you can imagine, this > causes a great deal of confusion. Is there anything we can do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, what are you doing opening up your computer to see } which way your computer writes to it's little rammies?  Rude boy! } } Would you like it if someone where to pull down your trousers and } check out which way Percy points?  Then to say "That's not right! } Hang on and we'll fix it up"  *rip$%@tear!*&YIKE... } } Not to worry - I won't discuss your manners here.  To the question } at hand:  it is a simple matter of withdrawing the guilty chip, } rotate it 180 degrees along the horizontal plane, insert the chip } back in the socket, and viola!  Left to right. } } .pihc werbeh eht rof launam noitcurtsni ruoy elcarO eht ewo uoY

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oracle, whose Fruit-Of-The-Loom's Superband Waistband never >     stretches, who never finds the little holes in your undershirt, >     whose toenails never need clipping, and for whom hair is SCARED to >     grow out of your ears, I pray that you answer me this. > >     Now that Ilich Ramirez Sanchez, aka Carlos the Jackal has been >     taken into custody in France, what will Robert Ludlum write about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Faced with a lack of material in the real world, Ludlum will turn } to writing children's books. Following is an excerpt from his } forthcoming novel, "The Bunny Affair." } }      See the carrot. }      See the spy bunny. }      Spy, bunny, spy! }      See the spy bunny insert a rod of plutonium into the carrot. }      See the representative of a small, fascist third world country } meet with the spy bunny in a secluded location in Germany in the hopes } of obtaining weapons grade carrot-encased plutonium in exchange for } massive amounts of money that was supplied by the United States. } }      Well, you get the idea. } } You owe the Oracle a novel that will not be turned into an action } movie.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> a > a > a > a > a

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your entry into the ASCII Pictionary Tournament '94. } Your teammates, selected at random from a pool of internet addresses, } made the following guesses at your entry: } } "It's a stick." } "An empty Tower of Hanoi!" } "A's lined up ready to race?" } "No, it's just a stick, dammit." } "The lead pipe from a Clue game?" } "Acrobats.  Get it?  All the a's stacked up -- acrobats!" } "Maybe it's a --" <whack> "-- oof!" <whack> <whack> <whack> } "<grin> Told you it was a stick." } } Scores will be tallied within one week.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and wise, most benificiant, most sage, most ... oh > well, you get the idea. > > Tell me, is there life after Unix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I will answer your question in the form of a parable. } } A man using UNIX in his office suddenly lost power one day. The lights } went out, and his screen dimmed a little as the UPS kicked in, giving } him just enough juice to save all his work and log out. When he turned } the monitor off, he was suddenly very sad, for there was an empty place } in his heart and he knew not why. } } "Lord," he said. "Why am I suddenly so lonely? I feel as if I have lost } a good friend. Please, do something to help my lonely heart." } } Suddenly, the shade that he had nailed over his office window yanked } itself freeand rolled up, leaving the window entirely uncovered. And } through this pane of glass came -- not a friendly blinking login cursor } -- but a strange yellow light. It felt warm on the man's skin, and it } was brighter than any flourescent bulb he'd ever seen. As soon as the } man recovered from his sudden blindness, he said "Wow! It's wonderful!" } } And then the window slowly slid upwards, and a gust of warm air blew } into his office. It must have been unfiltered by an air conditioning } unit, because it was dusty and smelled like mown grass. It made him } sneeze. "Wow!" The man said. "That must have been one of those sneezes } I heard about on rec.nose.pollen! Man, that felt great!" } } And then, he felt an uncombatable urge to climb out the window and onto } the sidewalk of the street below him. His heart raced with fear as he } put one leg and then the other out through the window. How wonderous, } he thought. The ceiling was blue, and lit by a blinding yellow bulb in } the sky. All around him, there were people -- just like the ones who } worked in his building -- and other buildings, and a street with cars } moving down them -- cars that looked much different that the '64 } Mustangs he remembered from his childhood. "This is incredible!" he } said, as he wandered into the street. "But also very scary. I must get } back to my office! Where's my office? Grep Office! Grep Office!" } } Then, the blue ceiling opened like a pair of curtains, and a light even } brighterthan the sun's appeared. "Man," the light said. "Be ye not } afraid. This is your world, and my world, and the world of all the } people. Seek ye not to lock thy self into thine office and program for } thy boss's computers! Instead, live here among us. This is the world } you came from, the world that uses your programs, and the world that } makes all the chinese delivery food you send out for. Live with us. } Live, and love with us." } } "Oh, bright light!" the Man said. "I will. I will!" Ecstatic with the } joy of his new-found world, he ran through the sidewalks and streets, } among the tall buildings, the neon lights, the cars, the mini-marts. } } An hour later, he got mugged for his belt, shoes, and $37 in cash. } } The moral to my parable is this: there is life after UNIX. But when you } look at it comparitively, it's pretty lousy. } } You owe the Oracle a cellular phone.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Powerful Oracle, who knows the location of every cog and gear > that makes the universe run, please answer this humble supplicant's > plea: > > Is it true that the first 1000 copies of Chicago are going to ship with > strip solitaire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yup.  Unfortunately, your opponent in the game will be Bill Gates.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > I'm going on a vacation to Canada soon. Is there anything I should try > to keep in mind about the Metric System while I'm there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The metric system, unlike our logical system of measurement based on } multiples of 4, 8, 12, 16, and pi, uses a base 10 counting system. } This confusing system is taught to children of Canada before they know } any better, therefore is seems natural--even logical--to them.  The } English system, taught later in life, usually comes as some relief to } these poor waifs.  This is why most of the signs are in both English } and metric.  Most citizens, when they come of age, are } bi-measuremental. } } Although metric usually confuses most right-thinking people from the } States, there is a special trick Oracle is willing to tell you. As } stated before, the metric system works on multiples of 10.  The secret } is, you yourself were made in base 10!  If you ever have troubles with } your metric calculations use you fingers (inclusive of your thumbs). } The Oracle warns that this system may break down in cold weather if } mittens are worn. } } You owe the oracle a dram of orange juice and a cubit of wood.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, that accepts my grovelling with such grace, please answer > the following question: > > Which is heavier, a pound of bricks, a pound of feathers, or Spock's >      brain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooooh, good.  Multiple choice.  The Oracle has a headache. } } We decided to go straight to the source, so we started by } contacting The Brick Institute ("Bricks.  They're what's for } building stuff with.")  A BI spokesman explained that, while a } pound of anything weighs a pound, a pound of bricks is "the } damnedest pound you ever saw.  Why, bricks are attractive, } they've got a nice heft to 'em, and ... well, just imagine trying } to build a brick wall with anything else." } } Then we called The U. S. Feather Board ("People helping people } by pulling the feathers off birds so other people can make } pillows and things.")  The USFB was a little more leery of the } question.  Apparently, they consider the commonly used phrase } "light as a feather" to be highly derogatory, "as if a feather } was something to be taken lightly, or dismissed as frivolous." } For that reason, the feather industry uses a slightly different } unit of measurement, which they call a pound but which is equal } to 29 ordinary pounds.  "So there's no doubt in our minds that a } pound of feathers beats any other pound, anywhere in the world." } } Finally, we tracked down Spock's brain at the Spock's Brain } Museum and Roadside Reptile Zoo, just outside Goodland, Kansas. } Inside a large sheet-metal outbuilding, we were able to view } Spock's brain in a giant salt water aquarium, and even talk to it } over a closed-circuit telephone for ten cents a minute.  If } anyone ought to know, it's Spock, right? } } "Years ago, if you had asked me that question," he said, "I'd } have said the pound of feathers, no question.  They're measured } differently, you know.  But since I got this gig, I'm not as } physically active as I used to be, and I'm starting to put on } some weight around the procortex.  So as of today, I'd have to } say it's me.  I'm the heaviest.  Before you go, toss another Zima } in the tank, will you?" } } You owe the Oracle one copy of "Star Trek Memories".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> q

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     As with many of the works from her famous ascii period, the artist }     makes use of rotational perspective change to place the subject in }     an altogether differnet light.  If we rotate the entire piece 90 }     degrees counterclockwise (and note the politial subtlty is already }     apparent: 90 degrees being a 'right' angle, and 'counter' being }     frequently associated with the right wing's antithesis, the }     'counter-culture'), we see the base of the scene is an agitated sea }     of waves... agitated, yet regular, and consistent. The truncated }     bugle floating above is located to the far left, as though it is }     trying to blast its message at the left wing from as close a range }     as possible. Yet, the absence of the bugle's bell indicates that }     perhaps the reason nobody hears the message of the right is that it }     is in fact empty, and, at root, makes no sound at all.  Returning }     the work to its original orientation, we see that this position }     indicates that the attempt by the right to convey their thoughts }     and impose their worldviews is an uphill battle in any case. } }     You owe the Oracle a semiotic analysis of nose-hair trimming }     devices.