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Internet Oracularities #673

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673, 673-01, 673-02, 673-03, 673-04, 673-05, 673-06, 673-07, 673-08, 673-09, 673-10


Usenet Oracularities #673    (70 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 24 Aug 1994 07:19:39 -0500

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   673
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

673   70 votes gwh50 4glm7 hfjg3 4lji8 58nmc 6fjo6 7ipe6 19Bh6 4bokb 2fjp9
673   3.0 mean  2.2   3.2   2.6   3.1   3.4   3.1   2.9   3.3   3.3   3.3


673-01    (gwh50 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Great Oracle, whose reproductive organ is so massive that the rest
> of the Universe orbits it, tell me:
>
>    Could you make pigs sprout wings and fly on Friday?  I need it to
> get a date.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I don't do that kind of stuff. I can point you to someone who
} does, though I must warn you, His rates are somewhat steep.
}
} I'd give you His office number, but I've only got the old one.
} These days, He can be reached via ID Software.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything, I get a percentage for referrals.


673-02    (4glm7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, before whom my long distance plan is
> not confusing, please answer my following question:
>
>      I am a faithful (well, semi-faithful) employee of AT&T. In the
> past three months that I have worked as a technical consultant for
> AT&T, I have noticed something distressing:  the logo of AT&T bears a
> striking resemblance to a certain Death Star. Jerre Stead (my boss's
> boss's boss) keeps extoling the virtues of our "Common Bond" which
> sounds suspiciously like the manifesto of the Dark Side.
>      What should I do?
>
>      Sincerely,
>           Michael in "Common Bond"age

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have stumbled upon a dreadful secret that was first exposed in the
} late 80's by Milo Bloom and his pet penguin Opus.  They were about to
} go public with their discovery when they had a late night visit from a
} man known simply as DaVader.  The next day they recanted all previous
} statements.  What they discovered was this:
}
} 1.    AT&T actually stands for Association of Totalitarian Technocrats.
} 2.    The AT&T "logo" is, in fact, an encrypted blueprint of the Death
} Star, which is easily readable by any Empire technician with the
} "THX-1138 Sly Movie In-Joke Reference Viewer".  Access to these viewers
} is strictly controlled.  Anyone caught with an unauthorized unit is
} forced to watch those Candice Bergen Sprint commercials for twenty
} hours.  This is a fate which has been proven to reduce Grand Admirals
} to blithering madmen.
} 3.    AT&T operators are actually responsible for the destruction of
} both Death Stars.  Despite the assertion by Princess Leia that she
} "placed information vital to the Rebel Alliance" into R2-D2, the fact
} is that R2 came across this information when he plugged into the
} Galactic phone system and attempted to dial 1-900-SEXY-BOT.  His call
} was misrouted by a confused operator to the Empire Galactic Domination
} Help Line "Press 71 for a list of Rebel spies, Press 72 for Complete
} plans to Empire's new weapon of terror."  R2, thinking he was supposed
} to enter his name, simply pressed R (7) and  2.  The rest is history.
} 4.    The "Bothan spies" that were supposed to have died valiantly
} getting the second Death Star information did no such thing.  The worst
} that happened was one of them broke a claw dialing information to get
} Help Line number.
}
} You may ask why the Empire didn't get an unlisted number.  Hey, they
} were silly enough to build a second one after it was obvious the first
} one was a no-go, so you can't actually expect them to do anything as
} difficult as calling the phone company.
}
} The Oracle suggests that you immediately leave your position with the
} Empire and dedicate your life to destroying all the "logo" encrusted
} billboards in the Galaxy.


673-03    (hfjg3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, I'm older now. I can take the truth. What's the real reason they
> canned Lost in Space?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They canned Lost in Space simply because it lengthened the shelf life
} and made it more profitable for retailers. To get fresh Lost in Space
} today, you have to go directly to the producer.


673-04    (4lji8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> who are you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top Ten Evasive Answers to the Supplicant's question:
}
} 10. I am the grammar police.  Where's your question mark?
}  9. I am the style police.  Where's your grovel?  *Zot*
}  8. I am Elvis.  *SHHHHH*  Don't tell anyone.
}  7. I am that I am.  [ *ZOT*  "Hey, sorry YHVH!  That was your line!" ]
}  6. If you are the IRS, then I am Juan Pedro Martinez Lopez Gutierrez,
}     I do not have a job, and am Illegal.  Deport me, quickly.
}  5. If you are the INS, then I am Billy Joe Smith, from the Kentucky
}     Smith's...
}  4. I am exercising my 5th Amendment rights, and will decline to answer.
}  3. I am O.J. Simpson of Borg.  You will watch TV Coverage.  Resistance
}     is futile.  Taste is irrelavant.
}  2. I am Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley's Love Child.
}  1. I am this really cool AI project in Indiana.  You thought this was
}     written by a real person, didn't you?


673-05    (58nmc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: csf <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh your Oracleness, please grant me the boon of answering this
> question. Why do dogs turn around 3 times before they lie down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your telepathic Oracle observes and reports:
}
}       Shall I lie down here? I'd best look over there to see if
}       any cats with sharpened claws reserved that spot and then
}       look that way too, to see if any humans are about to put
}       their feet down there, and also look the other way  to see
}       if there's a mailman there for me to bite.
}
}       Shall I lie down here? I forget if I already looked to see
}       if any humans are about to put their feet down there, and
}       then look that way too, to see if there's a mailman there
}       for me to bite, and also look the other way  to see if any
}       cats with sharpened claws reserved that spot.
}
}       Wasn't I just here? I'd better look that way to see if
}       there's a mailman there for me to bite, and also look the
}       other way  to see if any cats with sharpened claws reserved
}       that spot, and then look that way too, to see if any humans
}       are about to put their feet down there.
}
}       I'm getting dizzy! *Phlump!*
}
} You owe your telepathic Oracle a question about Stephen Wright's
} inner thoughts.


673-06    (6fjo6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, Orrie! Listen, me, Pan, Apollo, and some of the other guys are
> gonna start a card game. You want I should deal you in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure!  The oracle LOVES poker.  Let's see -  on the first hand, Pan
} will draw to an inside straight, come up empty, and have to fold.
} Apollo will try to bluff it out with a pair of ducks, and I'll rake in
} a pot worth $82.50.  Guys!  Where is everybody going?  What about the
} game?


673-07    (7ipe6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings wise Oracle!
>
> I just saw the Lion King. It reminded me of a cute Hamlet with a happy
> ending, with a bit of Pink Floyd the Wall thrown in for good measure.
> My question is, would Arnold S(orry I can't spell that last name. Don't
> tell him, he'll shoot me!) have made this flick more interesting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arnold Schwartzenegger (the Oracle _can_ spell) has the magical power
} to make _almost_ any movie a blockbuster.  (There are some notable
} exceptions, "Hercules in New York" and "Last Action Hero" come to
} mind...) How Arnie would have punched up "The Lion King:"
}
} Scene: The desert.  Simba, dazed by the heat and lack of water, is near
} death.  Suddenly, a Humvee pulls up.  Arnie steps out, flanked by
} Pumbaa and Timon.
}
} Arnie:  "Nice Kitty"
}
} Timon:  "Hakuna Matata! Hey, that means no worries, kid, you've just
}         been found by the greatest white hunter there ever was!"
}
} Pumbaa:  "That's right, Timon!  Arnie's one baaad dude, that's for
}          sure!"
}
} Arnie puts Simba in the 'Vee and drives off.  Back in his jungle
} compound, Timon and Pumbaa teach Simba about the joy of living with a
} guy who not only is the top of the food chain, "he owns it!"
}
} Arnie and Simba (flanked by Timon and Pumbaa) move through the jungle.
} As Arnie performs his daily exercises and workout that keeps him in
} such superb muscle tone, he teaches Simba to be brave and strong.
}
} When Nala crashes their happy bachelor pad with the news that Lord Scar
} and the hyenas have overun the homeland, Arnie says "Vell vhat are ve
} vaitink for?" and breaks into his arsenal.
}
} As they come in sight of Pride Rock, Arnie yells "Let's kick ass!" and
} starts firing a machine gun, as Timon manages the ammo roll.  Pumbaa
} fetches grenades for Arnie, while Simba confronts Lord Scar for the
} final showdown.
}
} The really crazy hyena picks up a grenade and runs back to the other
} two. The Whoopi Goldberg hyena (the smart one) smells trouble and gets
} away before her other two friends get blown to bits.  She turns to the
} humvee and sticks out her tongue at Arnie, who gutshoots her.  As she
} lays dying she says, "Well ain't death a bitch!"
}
} Meanwhile the rest of the hyenas are either dead or run off, and Simba
} is rolling around on the Rock with Scar.  As Simba turns away, and Scar
} prepares to blindside him, Arnie shows up and shoots Scar, the force of
} the bullets sending his body twisting and flailing over the cliff.
}
} Cut to the "Happily Ever After":  Simba and Nala are perched on Pride
} Rock looking over their domain.  In the distance, one sees a track of
} land rovers coming through a gate which reads:  "Arnie's Wild Africa."
}
} On second thought, maybe adding Arnold _wasn't_ such a good idea ....
}
} Hakuna Matata, O Supplicant!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Humvee and Lifetime Membership at Gold's Gym.


673-08    (19Bh6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I have gone to the conference?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nahhh. Aside from the belly-dancers, the chimpanzees swinging from the
} hotel chandeliers, a drunken Dr. Morton Rothschild mooning the SWAT
} team, the 5.2 earthquake at 2 am, the all-night spin-the-bottle games
} in room 1527, the foodfight during the Closing Ceremony Banquet, Dr.
} Renee Bouvier's not-so-secret-anymore nude sketches, the Running of the
} Bulls in the Poster Session, bungee jumping from the hotel Promenade,
} and the unfortunate escape of Dr. Weinstein's exotic cockroach
} collection, you really didn't miss much.
}
} You owe the Oracle a published paper on the merits of hedonism.


673-09    (4bokb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Goo, gah gah? Owwaah wah mamamamama goooo bah.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Great and powerful goooo bah, how wonderful it is to converse in our
} native language again.  Not since leaving our home planet have I heard
} the plaintive cry of mamamamama.
}
} To answer your question, the invasion plans are preceeding well.  These
} inferior beings already refer to us as "The Oracle," and ask us all
} sorts of strange and stupid questions.  In time, our answers will have
} shaped their thought patterns to the point that they will accept our
} bidding with little or no reluctance.  You can already see our
} influence in the language of their very small children.  Unfortunately,
} this influence is blocked by their primitive teachings, but not much
} longer.  Soon the adults will be unable to speak in their own language.
} Already, the lawyers are starting to respond, can the medical profession
} and professional academia be far behind?
}
} Once we are in control, we can mate with their females and create a
} race of beings deserving of this planet.
}
} Until then,
} May the moons of babalblabla shine on you, and the grace of pblbabvuba
} ga peepee be with you always.
}
} -------------------
} You owe the Oracle a case of Gerber's Apple Sauce.


673-10    (2fjp9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is rain made of water

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because if it were made of, say, anvils, insurance rates would
} skyrocket.
}
} You owe the Oracle a titanium umbrella.


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