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Internet Oracularities #674

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674, 674-01, 674-02, 674-03, 674-04, 674-05, 674-06, 674-07, 674-08, 674-09, 674-10


Usenet Oracularities #674    (73 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 30 Aug 1994 08:50:06 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   674
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

674   73 votes 6lre5 grka0 2cns8 6lxb2 39noe cqt60 2hsn3 demh7 crib5 1qrh2
674   2.9 mean  2.9   2.3   3.4   2.8   3.5   2.4   3.1   2.9   2.6   2.9


674-01    (6lre5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@romulus.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle with ears so clean and pillow so fluffy...
>
> Why do birds suddenly appear...every time...you are near?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...cuz I like to be, close to you.
}
} It could also be that I'm a couple million years old, my
} flesh is starting to rot, and these damn birds are
} circling me where ever I go.  THEY WON'T STOP!
} CIRCLING, CIRCLING, EVER SO NEAR, THEY WILL NOT LEAVE!!!
} SO CLOSE THEY COME.  ALL THE TIME.  IF I REST FOR
} A SECOND PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK
} PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK AT MY TOES, MY ANKLES,
} MY LEGS, THE VERY FLESH OF MY HOLINESS
} PICKING PICKING PICKING EATING AT MY SOUL!!!!!
}
} ...errr, uh, was that out loud?  Well, anyway,
} yes, I love being close to you.  You owe me
} a .22 rifle.


674-02    (grka0 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I AM SUPPERIOR

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi Superior.  I'm the Oracle.
}
} What are you doing playing with the spray can?  It says "only use in
} well ventilated areas"... read the directions, and put that lighter...
} on second thought, keep the lighter.
}
} You owe the Oracle censored episodes of Beavis and Butt-head


674-03    (2cns8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Where does a circle start?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, um, yes, I believe it IS time we had this little talk, little
} mortal.  Now sit right down on Orrie's lap and listen carefully.
}
} You see, when a Mommy polygon and a Daddy polygon love one another
} very very much, there's a special way they have of showing how they
} care for one another.  I don't mean going on vacation, at least not
} exactly, and I don't mean having a nice family meal together.  That
} is, not literally.
}
} It's like this, when Daddy polygon sees Mommy polygon there all nice
} and pretty like, he gets this feeling like all his corners are all
} tingly sort of.  And something like that for Mommy polygon too, though
} different.  Then they, they just sort of, well, get together in this
} particular way I can't describe right now.  Intersecting, do you know
} what I mean?  No?...well it doesn't matter anyway.
}
} Then, a little later, Mommy polygon gets this kind of bulge in one
} edge like you've seen sometimes.  And then it gets bigger and bigger
} until before you know it, you have a brand new circle.  And that's
} where they come from.
}
} If you have any other questions like that, you can ... ask Lisa ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a very round stork.


674-04    (6lxb2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear wise Oracle,
>
> What does the following phrase mean?
>
> "thus spake the Oracle"
>
> Specifically what does it mean to "spake"?  Is it only the Oracle who
> can "spake" or can I learn how to too?
>
> Sincerely,
>       Your humble, confused supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, "spake" is simply an archaic past tense form of the verb,
} used by the Oracle to evoke more respect than he really deserves.
} The correct conjugation of this verb is: "I spike", "I spake", "I have
} spoke", and your phrase "thus spake the Oracle" would be translated to
} modern English as "thus spiked the Oracle".
}
} The spike referred to, of course, is a quick jump on a heart rate
} monitor, skin conductivity meter, voice stress analyzer, etc.
}
} You can try your hand at it too. Find your nearest French security
} official and with a heavy Libyan accent demand to see Carlos.
}
} The Orackle hast spoke.


674-05    (39noe dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondorous Oracle, who can talk AND drink water out of a cup at the
> same time, please answer my humble question:
>
> How does gravity work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Gravity, oh, Gravity!
}      A symbol of depravity!
}      Just every subtle mortal sin
}      Invisibly it draws you in!
}      Though you stand against it strong
}      You weary and you fail ere long.
}      Our spirits wish to soar through space:
}      It holds us dismally in place.
}      We wish to rise: cannot!  Oh, Fate!
}      Our flight is curved, and never straight!
}      What demon curse condemns us so?
}      What engineering from Below?
}      How does this Fiendish grav'ty work?
}      Who cares?  *I* float.  You mortal jerk.


674-06    (cqt60 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you think I should stay at work or go away to college? Most of my
> friends are graduating this coming fall and stress is killing me,
> but I love my job and I make good money.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should go to college. This will let you join an elite computer
} network known as Usenet. Everybody who is anybody hangs out on Usenet,
} and all of the discussion is of very high quality. You will find that
} your .edu sitename, coupled with your freshman acount, will be greatly
} respected by the Usenet population. Mere monetary awards pale in
} comparison.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete 1-year archive of alt.binaries.*


674-07    (2hsn3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great oracle,how is it going to be with my trip at vegas on
> 08/27/94.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Day one: You arrive at Vegas. Blow $223.25 on quarter slot machines.
} Decide roulette is too complex. Watch floor show at 11:30. Get to bed
} at 1:30 AM. Alone.
}
} Day two: Wake up at 10:00. Headache. Lose $121.75 on slot machines.
} Watch roulette for ten minutes. Buy a five dollar chip, and place it on
} 23. Lose it. Decide to eat lunch. Lose it. Retire to your room for the
} afternoon. Go back down to roulette. Croupier tells you that you can
} see a free class about roulette at 6:00 PM. You go to the free class,
} and learn how to place a four-way bet that pays off eight-to-one. You
} go back to the roulette tables and buy $200 worth of $5 chips. Lose
} them. Get to bed at 2:45 AM. Alone.
}
} Day three: Wake up at 11:45. Go back to sleep.
}
} Day four: Or is this day three? What day is this? Is that 7:30 AM or
} PM? Well, the sun is up. After watching for a while, you realize that
} the sun is setting. After a bit of thought you realize that the time is
} now 8:15 PM. You decide to go downstairs and try a game of craps. You
} lose. You know now why the game is called that. Since you don't feel
} sleepy, you try to find a show to watch, but the best you can find is
} Nicolas Cage in an Elvis costume. You go to bed at 4:15 AM. With Elvis.
}
} Day five: A phone call from work reminds you that your flight was to
} have left yesterday. You go home.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to Vegas.


674-08    (demh7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me where Republicans come from.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Suburban dung beetles construct them underground, and they
} surface through the grounds of country clubs and golf courses.


674-09    (crib5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Question.....
>
> Could you call James Hetfield a "Metallicum"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: Backstage after a Metallica concert. Roadies and bandmembers,
} groupies and the Oracle are all present. The Oracle got a backstage
} pass by giving one of the roadies $125 and a bottle of Champagne.
}
} Groupie: "So, how do you come up with your ideas for songs?"
}
} Roadie: "Um, well, I just, you know, wait until I think of something
} and then I sing it. You know, like if I'm shaving or something, I try
} singing it but I have to wait until I stop shaving to actually move my
} mouth or anything. Do you want some Champagne?"
}
} Groupie: "Hey, you're not part of the band! You're just a roadie!" She
} leaves.
}
} Roadie: "Bummer."
}
} Oracle: "James Hetfield is a Metallicum."
}
} Three roadies and two band members beat the Oracle up. Presently the
} Oracle is dumped outside the back door.
}
} The answer seems to be "Yes, but it'll cost you."
}
} You owe the Oracle $125 and a bottle of Champagne.


674-10    (1qrh2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@romulus.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why I can't get more than 80 or less than 50 in every exam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem of exam marks is one which has troubled many people. In
} your case, the inability to get marks outside the range 50-80 is one of
} three things:
}
} 1) You are doing the wrong exams. For a mark of less than 50 try
} sitting a paper about which you know nothing. 'Quantum Field Theory' is
} a good example, however may prove difficult to mark since the examiner
} is likely to know even less. To get a mark above 80, it would be a good
} idea to sit a paper about spelling, with questions along the lines of:
}   Q 47:  Spell 'ORACLE'  (7 marks)
} Incidently, a good way to ensure high marks in this type of exam is to
} rewrite the question and do not try to give an answer. The examiner
} will get so confused that he/she will award you full marks.
}
} 2) The marking scheme is biased. It is easy to test this case. Go into
} your next exam and write 'I am a fish' on each line of your answer
} book, thgen get up and leave. If you more than 50 marks (or less than
} 80 if it's a psychology exam) then this is the case.
}
} 3) You know more than the examiner. If this is the case then much of
} what you write will be too complicated for the examiner to understand,
} and in the age old tradition of marking exams, if there's a query, it's
} wrong. Examiners rarely know anything about the subject they are
} marking, so if you haven't got time to sit the 'Quantum Field Theory'
} yourself, ask him!
}
} You owe the oracle a mark in the range 50-80
} Physics paper II, Economics Dept, Room 120, Saturday 9:30


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