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Internet Oracularities #675

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675, 675-01, 675-02, 675-03, 675-04, 675-05, 675-06, 675-07, 675-08, 675-09, 675-10


Usenet Oracularities #675    (73 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 8 Sep 1994 12:12:37 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   675
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

675   73 votes 6emn8 aun82 dmn96 aclm8 8crec 6oob8 57gpk kok45 64qra 7eogc
675   3.0 mean  3.2   2.5   2.6   3.1   3.1   2.9   3.7   2.3   3.4   3.2


675-01    (6emn8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Is there a pizza in my future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting question. I looked you up in the eternal books and
} extracted the lines which included the word 'pizza':
}
} Eternal Book Volume 454,576 of 673,564. Omniscient Being Offline file
} request. (search string 'pizza').
}
} <Extract Follows>
}
} - "Pizza face," yelled the thug, bringing out a sawn-off twelve-bore and
}
} - and licked eagerly. Then the doorbell rang. "Oh God! The pizza is due
}
} - the ropes chaffed his wrists. "I could do with tha pizza now," he said
}
} - Pizza Hut when the incident occurred. Several shots were fired before
}
} - a pizza! The ambulancemen couldn't help laughing as they loaded him
}
} - permanently disfigured. He could still ring out for pizza, however, as
}
} - loss of both eyes. "He won't want that pizza now," grinned the girl,
}
} - 20,000 feet below him, looking like a pizza. The plane wreck spiralled
}
} - scraping a pizza off the runway," said the doctor. The man smiled and
}
} - final indignity, being buried in a pizza box. Nobody else attended the
}
} <Extract Ends>
}
} Well, looks like "pizza" will figure fairly frequently...
}
} You owe the Oracle extra cheese.


675-02    (aun82 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You wise and allknowing Oracle, with the wisdom of a thousand worlds...
>
> Should I start skydiving?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if you can take the occasional fall.
}
} I mean, sure, there's nothing like the feel of the wind beating on
} your face as you plunge towards certain doom at 140 mph, but you can
} get that by sticking your head out the sunroof as you play chicken
} with police cars on the wrong lane of the highway.
}
} I dunno. Whatever fits your budget.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new front bumper, new radiator, new headlights,
} engine, battery, front wheels, axle, windshield, seatbelt ... Sorry,
} pal, this is gonna cost ya.


675-03    (dmn96 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would Jim Morrison say to Kurt Cobain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pleased that someone has finally asked it a reasonable
} question, or at least one with text in the content.
}
} The Oracle is reminded of a quotation from the wise lyrics of Jefferson
} Starship's "Connections", which goes:
}
}       I'd like to see Jesus and Mohammed on the road to Damascus
}       What do you think they would say?
}       Would they fight with knives clencehed in their teeth,
}       Like Jews and ARabs today?
}       Or would they walk and speak, like philosophers and thinkers
}       [...]
}
} While Mr. Morrison and Mr. Cobain are hardly comparable to Jesus and
} Mohammed, the question is no less valid.  The Oracle has not had ample
} opportunity to speak with either person, but believes the conversation
} would go something like this:
}
} JM:  Welcome to the other side, Kurt.  We've been waiting for you.
}
} KC:  Back off me, you drugged-out old hippie.  You can't possibly grasp
}      anything I could have to say.  You can't understand my generation.
}
} JM:  I at least understand that I went out having a good time and you
}      just blew it, if you'll pardon the expression.  Listen, man, and
}      I'll tell you the secret of the world in 600 pages or less.
}
} KC:  Forget it.  My pain is beyond you, man.  Nobody can understand it.
}      Not even the people in my generation can.  I alone understand my
}      pain.  Why, just last week I actually had to read the menu at
}      McDonald's by myself. Of course, I couldn't.  Someone should have
}      been there to do it for me, but they just don't understand.  Oh,
}      the pain...
}
} JM:  Sheesh!  And I thought -I- was weird.  This is a bizarre place to
}      say this, but maybe you should get a life.  Oops, too late for
}      that.
}
} KC:  Oh, the pain...
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of the soundtrack to "The Doors"
} and an Andy Rooney action figure.


675-04    (aclm8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [DING DONG]
>
> Now I wonder who that could be.
>
> [...step Step STEP schlick-schlock creak]
>
> Orrie! ... My God, what on Earth happened to you?! Well, come on in!
> I'll get you some dry robes, we'll fix you some hot nectar and honey,
> and you can tell us all about your trip to Ceres. Martha! Could you
> put some nectar on? Everybody, it's Orrie, back from Ceres!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Orrie is now dressed in dry robes, sitting at the table, do his utmost
} to remain conscious]
}
} It was great! ... Ceres was so surprized ... I didn't know that Zeus
} even knew her ... Bacchus did the catering ... do you have some
} aspirin? ... [yawn] I am so wiped! ... are the pyramids still in Egypt?
} Good ... Loki got really drunk and started ragging on Neptune ... they
} kicked him out when he ... [yawn] did I ask if you had any aspirin? ...
} jeez, I haven't seen Marduk in ages! ... has Don Knots been elected
} president yet? Or was it Bill the Cat? I don't remember ... Oh [yawn]
} if you find South Dakota missing, don't worry -- we'll fix it later ...
} Somehow we all wound up in the pool ... is the sun still rising in the
} east? Good -- I didn't think we got that drunk ... do you have any
} aspirin? ... Cupid is such a show-off! He got Pan and Freya in a corner
} alone ... When Zeus found out he [yawn] ... haven't slept in an eon ...
} Can I borrow a bed? ... if it hasn't stopped raining frogs in a few
} days, let me know and I'll make some calls ... did I ask if you have
} some aspirin? ... did you know that Aphrodite has the biggest ...
} WHOOOMP!
}
} [Orrie falls face down in his nectar, and promptly starts snoring. A
} crumpled message is discovered in his hands, which reads: "The honor of
} your presence is requested at a surprize birthday party for Ceres,
} Goddess of the Grain. RSVP to Zeus@Olympus.Org"]


675-05    (8crec dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@hal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you do an askme?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many methods exist, each having their own advantages and disadvantages.
} Here's a selection from the rec.humor.oracle FAQ:
}
} NAME: The Baby Technique.
} METHOD: Screw your eyes up and scream. Refuse offered breast,
}       playthings, have nothing in your nappy, etc, but keep screaming
}       until you get asked a question.
} ADVANTAGES: Suitable for those with limited intellectual abilities.
} DISADVANTAGES: Mother might flip out and take to you with a rolling pin
}              before she thinks of asking a question.
}
} NAME: The Politician Technique.
} METHOD: Deny loudly and repeatedly that you want anyone to ask you a
}       question.
} ADVANTAGES: Avoidance of personal responsibility.
} DISADVANTAGES: Very low chance of your answer getting passed through
}              Congress.
}
} NAME: The Tonya Harding Technique.
} METHOD: Smash the terminals of all other possible incarnations with
}       a metal bar. Wait for all questions to flood your sole remaining
}       terminal.
} ADVANTAGES: Kickbacks from Digital and Wyse.
} DISADVANTAGES: The other possible incarnations include everyone who
}              could submit any of these questions to flood your
}              terminal.
}
} NAME: The McDonalds Technique.
} METHOD: Go to McDonalds. Order anything. Be there by yourself and
}       order 52 hamburgers with 20 shakes. A question will still be
}       forthcoming.
} ADVANTAGES: Medical students can combine this with their epidermology
}           revision.
} DISADVANTAGES: "Do you want fries with that?" not exactly conducive
}              to classic Oracularities.
}
} NAME: The Bienvenida Sokolaw Technique.
} METHOD: Be an extremely attractive Spanish woman in her twenties who
}       attends functions populated by high-ranking and elderly British
}       nobles, while she displays a plunging neckline and flutters her
}       eyelids seductively. Questions will soon be forthcoming.
} ADVANTAGES: Money and a Title.
} DISADVANTAGES: The wedding night.
}
} NAME: The Kinzler Technique.
} METHOD: Send an email to "oracle@cs.indiana.edu" with the subject
}       "askme".
} ADVANTAGES: None known.
} DISADVANTAGES: "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a ......"
}
} You owe The Oracle the question "How would the relative economies of
} the Western world be affected if soy beans grew on trees?". C'mon, I've
} got *such* a funny answer.


675-06    (6oob8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@romulus.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I'm fifteen and my hair is falling our in clumps.  What
> should I do?
> -SomeOne@aol.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If your hair is falling out in clumps, the first (and most obvious)
} suggestion is to avoid clumps whenever possible.  Staying out of them
} should help the most.  However, if that is not an available option,
} here are a few suggestions.
}
}      Drop AOL.  Studies have shown that there are many physical
} side-effects from AOL usage, among them are scorch marks, strange
} typing habits, increased net.ignorance, and of course, hair loss--this
} symptom is generally thought to be cause by AOL users tearing at their
} hair when they see 1,000 messages in response to the message they
} posted to the wrong newsgroup.
}
}      Increase your protein intake.  The Oracle recommends Jell-O.
} Delicious, nutritious, and so many yummy flavors make it a tasty treat
} anytime.  There's always room for Jell-O.
}
}      Try something to prevent hair loss.  A good urethane or even just
} a quick coat of varnish will work wonders.  This will also help your
} hair hold up in even the strongest wind conditions.  It has also been
} said that coating your head with Thompson's Water Seal once a year will
} help prevent water damage.
}
}      Lower your overall stress level.  A good idea in this area is to
} get outside and get a little sun and fresh air.  This is a remarkably
} effective, but seldom-used, cure for many computer-related ailments.
} And remember, that suntan will not fade as quickly as that CRT pallor.
}
}      Call the Hair Club for Men/Women.
}
} And if all else fails, wear a hat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tube of Brylcreem and a bowl of Jell-O.


675-07    (57gpk dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and all-knowing one. Please answer my question which is
> driving me mad with worry. I wouldn't trouble you with my lack
> of wisdom unless it was a matter of life and death, and it is,
> so please *please* please take pity on this poor confused mortal
> who has heard of your benevolence and consideration from many
> reliable and satisfied source. Thanks in anticipation... :-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FEYNMAN: Paul, look at this. Big important question. Matter of life
}          and death.
}
} DIRAC:   Let me see. [Takes scrap of printout from Feynman].
}          Richard, what's the question?
}
} FEYNMAN: There is no question.
}
} DIRAC:   That's what I thought. What do we do?
}
}   [Feynman and Dirac look at each other.]
}
} TOGETHER: Call Einstein!
}
}   [Feynman picks up the red phone and hits the redial button.]
}
} FEYNMAN: [Into phone] Al, we've got a question here, or rather, we
}          didn't get the question. We only got the grovel. And it's a
}          matter of life and death.
}
} FEYNMAN: Sure. [Reads question over phone.]
}
} FEYNMAN: Okay. Fine. Yeah. Thanks.
}
}   [Feynman hangs up. Dirac looks expectantly at him.]
}
} FEYNMAN: He said he'll think about it.
}
} DIRAC:   Think about it? I could have done that.
}
} FEYNMAN: Yeah, but you'd have taken all day.
}
} DIRAC:   Well, you'd have been up all NIGHT. I suppose you'd have
}          gotten it right, though.
}
} FEYNMAN: Well, it doesn't matter whether Albert gets it right or not,
}          he's authoritative.
}
}   [The red phone rings. Feynman picks up the receiver.]
}
} FEYNMAN: Hello, Al? No. That's all there was. No, I don't know where
}          the headers go, we never see them, they just print out the
}          message part for us. Anonymity, you know. No. Yes, the
}          computing center. I don't know, ask Ada at the exchange.
}          Fine. [He hangs up.]
}
} DIRAC:   What did he want?
}
} FEYNMAN: He thinks the question may have been mistaken for the next
}          message's headers, so it should show up on some error log on
}          some machine. He's going to call the computing center.
}
} DIRAC:   What? He doesn't know SMTP from NNTP!
}
} FEYNMAN: I suppose he could learn.
}
} DIRAC:   Do we have time for this? It was supposed to be a matter of
}          life and death.
}
} FEYNMAN: Well, he's the genius.
}
} DIRAC:   [Explodes] Well by God, so am I! I'm going to deduce his
}          question from the grovel! You can help me, or you can go get
}          me some coffee!
}
} FEYNMAN: I think I'll do both. [Feynman walks off stage.]
}
} DIRAC:   Richard, he says the question's driving him mad with worry!
}
} FEYNMAN: [Off stage] Yes, and he mentioned his lack of wisdom.
}
} DIRAC:   A matter of life and death...
}
}   [Feynman returns with two styrofoam cups of steaming black coffee.]
}
} FEYNMAN: Here's your coffee. By the way, I've got it.
}
} DIRAC:   WHAT?! Already?
}
} FEYNMAN: [Smiling] Paul, it's obvious! The guy got drunk, forgot to
}          use a rubber, and now he's scared that he's caught HIV.
}
}   [Dirac looks suspiciously at Feynman, as the red phone suddenly
}   rings. He picks it up, still peering at Feynman with narrowed eyes.]
}
} DIRAC:   Dirac. You did? [Long pause] ...
}          Oh... Yeah. Thanks, Albert.
}
}   [He replaces the receiver carefully.]
}
} DIRAC:   Albert found the missing lines, along with a new bug in
}          sendmail. The question reads: "Last weekend, I got so
}          plastered that I'm not now sure exactly what happened, but
}          I'm pretty certain I didn't remember to take all proper
}          precautions, if you know what I mean, so what I'd like to
}          know is, am I gonna DIE?!"
}
} FEYNMAN: [Incredulous] He really found the question?!
}          What do you know, old Albert managed to surprise me!
}
} DIRAC:   Well, I must say you've both surprised *me*. [Shakes his
}          head.] So. What do we tell this guy? Has he got HIV or not?
}
} FEYNMAN: How would I know? But he didn't ask that, did he?
}
} DIRAC:   You're right, he asked whether he's going to die.
}
} FEYNMAN: [Grinning] Exactly.
}
} DIRAC:   Right! Bloody well he is!
}
}   [Dirac grabs a keyboard and carefully types three letters.
}   They don't spell "yes".]
}
} FEYNMAN: Paul, you devil!
}
} DIRAC:   Well, what do you expect? I've been here for a decade!


675-08    (kok45 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@otis.EE.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long does it take you to answer a simple question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, that's a really good question.  I get asked
} lots of really good questions, like the time someone
} asked me if bullfrogs get athlete's foot.  I had to
} reasearch that one big time, going down to the library
} (assuming the building I entered really was a library
} and not some other building nefariously disquised to
} fool me into thinking I was in a library, for what
} reason I knoweth not) and having to look in the card
} catalogue and then I went looking for the book but by
} the time I got to the top of the stairs (assuming they
} really were stairs and not some other stucture
} nefariously disquised to fool me into thinking I was
} climbing stairs, for what reason I knoweth not) I
} forgot the book number and had to go all the way back
} down the stairs (assuming they really were stairs and
} not some other stucture nefariously disquised to fool
} me into thinking I was climbing stairs, for what reason
} I knoweth not) and then I got distracted by the fish
} tank (assuming it really was a fish tank and not some
} video terminal nefariously disquised to hypnotise me
} into thinking things I normally wouldn't, for what
} reason I knoweth not) and forgot what it was I was
} looking for in the first place and while I was standing
} around trying to figure out what I was supposed to be
} doing (much less, why was I in a library, assuming it
} was a library and not some other building nefariously
} disquised to fool me into thinking I was in a library,
} for what reason I knoweth not), the librarian (assuming
} it really was a library and not some other building
} nefariously disquised to fool me into thinking I was in
} a library, for what reason I knoweth not) called the
} police since she (assuming it really was a she and not
} some other being nefariously disquised to fool me into
} thinking I was still dealing with humans, for what
} reason I knoweth not) thought I was a vagrent, and I
} got arrested by a policeman (assuming it really was a
} policeman and not some other being nefariously
} disquised to fool me into thinking I was still dealing
} with humans, for what reason I knoweth not) and they
} took me off and locked me up (assuming it was a lockup
} and not some other building nefariously disquised to
} fool me into thinking I was in a lockup, for what
} reason I knoweth not).
}
} You owe the Oracle (*yawn*) to stay awake as he tells
} you about his bad day.


675-09    (64qra dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> when the adult film where Bobbit acts will be released and where to get
> it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You wouldn't want to see it anyway.  All the good parts have
} been cut out.


675-10    (7eogc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> NOTHING IS POSSIBLE:
>
> This letter was written by Joxyl Ozzyfoxyl
> using Microsoft Word for Windows on a PC.
> Two days later, his department was dissolved during a hostile takover
> leaving Joxyl jobless and the PC homeless.
>
> The floppy disk was found by Josh Doesjack
> during the liquidation of the company assets.
> After printing this letter, the disk jammed and destroyed the floppy
> drive and the printer self destructed by strangling itself with the
> ribbon.
>
> Josh tried to throw out the letter
> but on the way to the recycling bin it was intercepted by Jane Dogong
> who typed it neatly on her IBM selectric typewriter.
> 3 days later, her typewriter was replaced by a word processor
> that required constant servicing and never worked repliably.
> Jane's efficiency rating plummeted
> and her self esteem was irreverably damaged.
>
> One copy of this letter went to John Ackers at IBM.
> He was caught copying the letter on an office copier
> and was fired for using office copiers for personal business.
>
> In the charred remains of a cabin, the cause of the fire
> was determined to be due to a laser printer that overheated
> while printing this letter.
>
> This letter has been around the world by INTERNET 6 times,
> causing a wake of destruction and mayhem wherever it stays more than 2
> minutes.
>
> Whatever you do, DO NOT COPY THIS LETTER!
> IT WILL BRING YOU BAD LUCK!
> DELETE IT IMMEDIATELY!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, I like that! It's funny. I think I'll save a co


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