} Good question. I did some research just moments ago to find out what
} was really going on behind the scenes at Fates, Inc., to get to the
} bottom of this growing ToeJam distribution scandal. I started by
} calling their main consumer relations line at 1-800-OH-WHY-ME. Here's a
} transcript of that conversation.
}
} Receptionist: Fates, Inc., how can I help you?
}
} Oracle: Yes, I'm calling about ToeJam. Why is there ToeJam?
}
} Receptionist: One moment, please....
}
} <I was on hold for 18 minutes at this point>
}
} Receptionist: I'm sorry, sir but I cannot answer that question right
} now. If you'd like, you can write a letter to our Fates Worse
} Than Death Department at --
}
} Oracle: No, that won't do. May I speak with your supervisor?
}
} Receptionist: Sir, my supervisor won't be able to help you either.
}
} Oracle: Well, who can then? I want an answer to my question now!
}
} Receptionist: Our hours are from 8-5, Monday through Friday. Please
} call anytime with questions or comments about Fates, Inc. Thank
} you, and have a nice day, unless of course it just isn't in the
} cards for you.
}
} Oracle: Harumph. Jerk.
}
} I wasn't finished. Fates, Inc. may be able to get away with the
} brush-off on the phone, but they were going to have to work a lot
} harder when I took a camera crew with me to their Headquarters in
} Kansas City, Kansas. As we approached the building we could already see
} the guards mobilizing. I was undaunted.
}
} Oracle: (To camera operator) Let's go.
}
} Camera: <sarcastically> Oh, sure, Orrie, let's get the "scoop on
} ToeJam."
}
} Oracle: Hey - this is important. Someone wants to know.
}
} Camera: Yeah, sounds like that "someone" needs to get a life.
}
} <walking up steps, now face-to-face with security guard>
}
} Guard: I'm sorry, but this building is closed to the public.
}
} Oracle: I'd like to speak with the president of Fates, Inc. I'm the
} Ora...er, I mean, I'm Mike Wallace, yeah, that's it! I'm Mike
} Wallace, and if you don't let me in I'm going to blow this ToeJam
} thing *wide open* on my show.
}
} Guard: Ewwwww, that's gross. Fine, you win. Right this way, Mr.
} Wallace.
}
} Oracle: (to camera, whispering) Pretty clever, huh?
}
} Camera: Lame is more like it. What next, are you gonna say you're
} Brenda Starr?
}
} We finally reached the president of Fates, Inc. This mysterious
} character had eluded the eyes of everyone until this moment. Finally, I
} was going to get to the bottom of this. The secretary walked me to the
} door, and opened it, and there I beheld,
}
} Oracle: I don't believe it!! Dick Clark?!
}
} DC: Hello! Please, come on in. Have a seat.
}
} Oracle: <taking seat>....Wow. I just want to tell you I think you look
} great!
}
} DC. Thank you.
}
} Oracle: So Mr. Clark, why is there ToeJam?
}
} DC: Let me tell you something, Mike, if I could only --
}
} Oracle: Oh, uh, actually I'm the Usenet Oracle. I just told the guard I
} was Mike Wallace so I could get in here.
}
} DC: I see. So you're already immortal?
}
} Oracle: That's right. And omniscient. Mostly omniscient.
}
} DC: Great, then I don't mind telling you about ToeJam. As a fellow
} immortal, I'm sure you enjoy and -
}
} Oracle: Wait, what do you mean, "fellow" immortal??
}
} DC: I'm immortal too! See, I have discovered the secret to immortality.
} ToeJam!! Lots and lots of ToeJam! As long as I keep smothering it
} on my face, on my chest, all over my body, I will stay young and
} healthy looking forever.
}
} Oracle: Wow. Sooooo, I guess you just throw hygiene out the window,
} right?
}
} DC: Not at all! I let others' filthy habits produce the ToeJam I need,
} and with the help of the ToeJam Fairy, I collect it all for my
} own purposes. Of course, I tell the TJF to leave some for the
} people I collect it from, and apparently, most of time, they
} don't even notice any missing. If only they knew that they held
} the secret to eternal life in the scum on their feet.....
}
} Oracle: <agape> You know, even *I* didn't know about the ToeJam Fairy.
}
} So there you have it, Supplicant. If I were you, I'd get that ToeJam of
} yours and start applying it vigorously all over myself - don't waste
} another minute. Fortunately for me, I'm already immortal. And
} omniscient. Mostly omniscient.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 12-pack of Mr. Bubble and a rubber ducky.
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