[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 1:58:14 GMT

Internet Oracularities #678

Goto:
678, 678-01, 678-02, 678-03, 678-04, 678-05, 678-06, 678-07, 678-08, 678-09, 678-10


Usenet Oracularities #678    (80 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 23 Sep 1994 08:23:59 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   678
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

678   80 votes 7oyb4 awqa2 mui91 daqhe 5ciA9 isl94 4lvg8 8kpha ghil8 5akri
678   2.9 mean  2.8   2.5   2.2   3.1   3.4   2.4   3.0   3.0   2.9   3.5


678-01    (7oyb4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Sceptical Mr. Dirac,
> What happens to physicists when they die and go to Hell?
>
> Yours,  R.F.
>
> P.S. You owe me that coffee! ;-)
>
> [Richard, stop fooling around with my mail server! -Albert]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Satan stopped accepting physicists into hell because they turned out to
} be no fun at all.  He would crank up the heat only to discover that the
} physicists were busy analyzing the type and quantity of heat in order
} to find the cause.  He tried putting them to work solving the three
} body problem and massively complex Schrodenger's equations, but they
} actually enjoyed it.  The final straw came when the physicists managed
} to put the lesser demons to sleep by giving lectures in their
} specialties.  By this time, Satan had had enough and sent them upwards
} to annoy the angels.
}
} Go to your neighborhood coffee shop, get your cup of coffee, and tell
} them to put it on the Oracle's tab.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Dante's Inferno.


678-02    (awqa2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> > Oh racle
> >
> > Will your answer to this question be sufficently funny/humorous to be
> > selected and posted in the next digest?
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } It won't be funny or humorous but it will be SASSY.
>
> So Oh wise one, who's elegance matches the best model on GQ, whose
> inteligence is 34 times the product of all our IQs, tell me and show me
> that you can do better than that!.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could do it, but I'm too intelligent to jump through hoops for you.
}
} No, seriously.  I mean it.
}
} You write me with your questions, your "oh-dear-Oracle" fake smarmy
} nonsense and claim that it gives you some sort of right to a straight
} answer, or at least a humorous one.  Even worse, you dare to CHALLENGE
} me, like I was some sort of toy that you can wind up.  "Oracle, fix my
} sex life."  "Oracle, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck....?"
} "Oracle, do better than that!"
}
} Well, I'm SICK of it!  Do you hear me?  Sick, sick, sick! [sic]  Go
} back to your instant-gratification Nintendo-addict lifestyle and leave
} me to sulk on Parnassus!  My health perfect, my future assured, my
} ethereal gauzed-clothed priests and priestesses at my side, ready to
} fulfill my every whim.  Can't you see I'm living in Hell?  How quickly
} I'd trade it to be one of the faceless querying masses, not having to
} be RIGHT and FUNNY all the time....
}
} You owe the Oracle a ride down to the Montel Williams studios for his
} guest shot on the "Self-Pitying Omniscient Deity-Like Creatures"
} segment to air next sweeps week.


678-03    (mui91 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-seeing Oracle, without whom the robot would be diploid, grant me
> this morsel of your omniscience.
>
> Suppose (just hypothetically, now) that a sixteen year old computer
> geek were to etherize a snake in the woods and sneak it into his
> eighteen-year old sister's bed, just to give her a hypothetical scare,
> and the snake were to wake up and bite the next person who came into
> the bed, and suppose (just hypothetically now) that their parents were
> away and the person who happened to be next in the bed was her
> boyfriend, let's call him Jeff, and suppose (simply for the sake of
> argument, remember) that the snake turned out to be a rattlesnake,
> well, what should the computer geek do with the rattlesnake and the
> poisoned naked Jeff and the screaming naked sister, even without the
> fact that the dining room table is now a heap of smouldering rubble
> from the chemistry experiments?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You don't want to know.  (I read alt.sex.stories)


678-04    (daqhe dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell me how can I become number one in the
> Class of 1996?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kill every other member of your class.


678-05    (5ciA9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> your Oracleness,
>
> Please tell me
>
> Why do birds suddenly appear
> Every time
> You are near?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I just washed my car.


678-06    (isl94 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful Oracle:
>
> Can we all just get along?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, except for those of us who have been sprayed by skunks recently.


678-07    (4lvg8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "In purely practical terms, it is obviously easier for action to be
> taken by one House without submission to the President; but it is
> crystal clear from the records of the Convention, contemporaneous
> writings and debates, that the Framers ranked other values higher than
> efficiency."  INS v. Chadha, 462 U.S. 919, 958-59 (1983).
>
> Query:  Might this be an appropriate slogan for the Net?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I'm sorry to say that it would not be an appropriate slogan for the
} Net. Here are some worthwhile, appropriate slogans for you to consider.
}
} 10.  Think LINK!
}
}  9.  The Net: It's not just for UNIX anymore!
}
}  8.  The Internet: Unlike on the Information Super-Highway,
}      our smiling faces are still sideways.
}
}  7.  Preferred over TV by Green Card lawyers, 1000 to 1!
}
}  6.  I want my HDTV.
}
}  5.  The net is my life. Work is my hobby. Family?
}
}  4.  IM N0T A N3RD. IM A DW33B. WHAT R U, D00D?
}
}  3.  -----END PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----
}
}  2.  I'm a net surfer on the Information Super-Highway.
}
} and the number one slogan is...
}
}  1.  Post, and the world posts with you. Browse the Web,
}      and you browse alone.
}
} You owe the Oracle an additional day of the week. I just can't keep up
} with newsgroups like I used to...


678-08    (8kpha dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many nuns does it take to change a light-bulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} nun!
}
} Ewe oh thee Oracle uh spell checker that catches puns with know
} trouble at awl.


678-09    (ghil8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@tenmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where i can get information about saling cars
> using Internet? I seek "Mersedes-500" specialy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try rec.sailing.cars.  I gotta tell you, though, those
} automobile-sailing folks don't post a whole lot.  They sink
} a *lot* of money into their sports, if you see what I mean.


678-10    (5akri dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is easiest way to let a guy down without hurting his feelings?...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Spend an entire weekend with him engaged in mad, passionate sex.
} Afterwards, explain to him that the lovemaking session was so
} wonderful, so perfect, so exquisite that neither of you could ever come
} close to such enjoyment again. It would be like trying to duplicate
} Citizen Kane or Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band or the Sistine
} Chapel or Hamlet.  No, it would be better if both of you took vows of
} celibacy, and medidated upon this near-Nirvana experience in the
} solitude of the Andes and Alps, respectively.  With patience and
} dedication, hopefully, you will each be able to return to that higher
} plane of consciousness without all that sweaty grunting.  Give him a
} final kiss, look dreamily into the Alpine distance, and stride
} purposefully out the door, never looking back.
}
} When you get to your car, haul ass for home and change your phone
} number.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org