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Internet Oracularities #679

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679, 679-01, 679-02, 679-03, 679-04, 679-05, 679-06, 679-07, 679-08, 679-09, 679-10


Usenet Oracularities #679    (77 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 29 Sep 1994 07:17:06 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   679
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

679   77 votes 76qqc bdom7 8mqf6 jtg94 eqhi2 alhm7 6buhd 5eshd tfdd7 7atkb
679   2.9 mean  3.4   3.0   2.9   2.4   2.6   2.9   3.3   3.2   2.4   3.2


679-01    (76qqc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>           Oh most wizened Oracle, I have recently been forced to eat
>           crow, eat my words, and stick my foot in my mouth.  What are
>           the appropriate wines for these dishes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most chastened supplicant, how often the omniscient Oracle wishes he
} could taste of these delicacies.  Of course, being ominiscient means
} never having to say you're sorry, so I must go without.
}
} However, lacking direct experience has never been much of a block for
} me, the short answer is: it depends upon how the meal has been
} prepared.
}
} If you are tasting these bitter dishes in the traditional manner (ie.
} in an intimate one-on-one, most likely with a significant other)
} than I might suggest a light Petite Faux Blanc.
}
} For a more robust meal, perhaps with a group of friends, classmates or
} colleagues, you'll want to complement your red face with a stronger
} vintage, perhaps a Merdetete, a self-deprecating little wine with a
} distinctive air of contriteness.
}
} For a banquet of shame--with, say, your superiors at work or a
} frequented Usenet newsgroup where you've made an ass of yourself--think
} cheap and powerful.  A case of MD 20/20, Night Train or Thunderbird
} drunk alone and quickly will go nicely as you wolf down your
} three-courses of mea culpae.  Believe me, you WILL be sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle Dante's Guide to the Vineyards of Purgatory and a
} corkscrew.


679-02    (bdom7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't jump!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is having a hard time deciding which is the silliest answer
} to give this inspired question.  He has decided that He will give you
} several.
}
} 1.  Sorry.  I've been listening to the Pointer Sisters and Van Halen
}     too much.  I'll stop that now.
}
} 2.  What?!!?  Do you have any idea what happens to a computer program
}     that stops executing JMP instructions?  It stops running, that's
}     what!  Why are you asking me to commit suicide?
}
} 3.  Now, now. I paid my $70 for this and I'm going to do it.  It's
}     your turn next, and I expect you to go through with it as well.
}     The guy selling tickets said that there aren't any refunds once
}     you're on the bungee tower, you know.
}
} 4.  Boiiiiing!  Phbbbbbbbt!
}
} 5.  This is a USAir flight.  Didn't you know that it's the safest way
}     to disembark?
}
} 6.  But now I'll NEVER get to marry Michael Jackson!!!
}
} 7.  You're right, she's just not worth...woah...woah...oops..oh!
}     Eyaaaaaaaaagh!  *SPLAT!*


679-03    (8mqf6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest and most knowlagable in cyberspace:
>
> What is net-ti-kit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thou grovelling supplicant:
}      "Netiquette" is the ability to travel the Internet without
} sticking your nodes up at everyone else.


679-04    (jtg94 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and mighty Oracle whose wash and wear clothes always look good
> on you, even while still wet:
>
> Why does my iron have a permanent-press setting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just to give the anal people a bad day. :)


679-05    (eqhi2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's all your fault! You know what I'm talking about, don't even try to
> deny it! I'm going to get you for this. I don't know how, but I'm going
> to get you.  That's a promise, not a threat! Be afraid, be very afraid!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I know what you're talking about, the Oracle knows all.
}
} And, I even know how you're going to try and get me, even though you
} don't know yourself, yet.  And will be ready.
}
} Be afraid.  Be very afraid.


679-06    (alhm7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A couple of years ago I woke up and discovered that everybody was
> me, or I was everybody. This wasn't one of those telepathic deals
> with just one me looking out of billions of pairs of eyes, but
> instead there were lots and lots of me, each a separate individual.
>
> At first I thought it was pretty cool. I owned everything.
> I went to my job at the shoe factory and reset the machine to make
> just one size of shoes. I closed down my tanning parlor,
> and converted my lipstick factory to make more chess sets -- after
> all, I was champion of the world.
>
> Sure, there were some problems, even at first. I wanted to move to
> 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and live in the White House, but I already
> lived there and didn't want to move out; but hey, there's
> lots of me, and lots of room there, so we took turns, twenty or
> thirty at a time of me.
>
> Usenet news was pretty dull for awhile, too.
>
> Also, Things got messy for a while. I didn't want to sweep the
> streets, or collect the garbage. Finally I worked that out, too, and
> I-in-general was neater and more considerate of myself so
> I-garbageman wouldn't have such a tough job.
>
> The real early problems were with the lots of mes who were stuck in
> places like Africa or Texas. But hey, it gave me something to do,
> getting everyme out of there and getting me fixed up with decent
> places to live. Nice is pretty crowded now.
>
> Soon, though, I started to get lonely for other people. Especially
> for female-type people. I got real nostalgic and started watching
> all those old movies, with all those stars that weren't me.
> Then, whaddya know, some of me decided that this nostalgia stuff
> wasn't good, and I started me-izing the movies.
>
> I really hate me-ized movies. I wish I wouldn't do that to the movies.
> I make a lousy Princess Leah....
>
> O great Oracle who is vast, and contains multitudes,
> please tell me how I can meet new people.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mars.
}
} Yes, go to Mars.  You will find new people there, who have not been
} you-ized.  Now I know what you're thinking, how much trouble it'll be
} to get the others of you to build the giant rocket and life support
} packs and all.  And how long y'all will have to wait.  But there is an
} easy solution.
}
} Go to Mars, Pennsylvania.  Eat the special magic chocolate Mars bar
} that the pink lust bunny offers you, and you will be on a trip to the
} Other Mars.  If it doesn't work, you won't know the difference.  Bon
} voyage!
}
} You owe the Oracle fewer of you.


679-07    (6buhd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent one, who's feet smell of apples...
>
> Please tell me who's teeth are sharper:  Dracula or Jaws?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lab report 94-9770, Sharpness of teeth.
}
} Hypothesis: Teeth of a Vampire are at least as sharp as those of a Great
} White Shark, if not even sharper.
}
} The experiment:
}
} Subject A, a 1.7 M caucasian vampire, was offered the chance to bite the
} neck of Madonna. (Note: This was conducted in conjunction with
} experiment 94-9702, Killing Madonna.)
}
} Subject B, a 2.7 M great white shark, was offered the chance to bite the
} torso of Madonna. (Note: This was conducted in conjunction with
} experiment 94-9735, Trying again to kill Madonna.)
}
} The results:
}
} Subject A did minimal damage, consonant with having very sharp teeth.
} The teeth seem to have entered the neck without causing significant
} damage to the surrounding tissues.
}
} Subject B bit a large portion from the center of the torso, tearing it
} loose with great violence and a small amount of involuntary cheering on
} the part of the experimenters. Subsequently, Subject B spit out the
} torso segment and swam away.
}
} Conclusion: The vampire's teeth appear to be sharper than those of the
} shark, based upon the limited size of the experiment. We wish to try the
} experiment again, replacing Madonna with Tonya Harding.
}
} Notes: Both Subject A and Subject B have survived, although neither
} seems especially willing to participate in further experiments.
}
} You owe the Oracle another experiment that can be performed upon
} Madonna.


679-08    (5eshd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most perfect oracle!
>
>       why do things fall apart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [WARNING: This answer is strictly *confidential* and should not be
} shared with anyone, especially not physicists.  They hate it when I
} show them up for the bloody fools that they are. - U.O.]
}
} Things falling apart can be easily explained with the use of the New
} and Improved Unified Field Theory.  There are four types of forces in
} the world: strong nuclear force, weak nuclear force, sex appeal and
} bloody-mindedness.
}
} Bloody-mindedness is transmitted in quanta, by particles called
} pissoffons.  An excess of pissoffon radiation (as produced by stalled
} cars on freeways, telephone solicitors, and Top 40 radio) can cause
} short tempers, vicious squabbles, and an acceleration of entropy.  It
} is this acceleration of entropy that makes things fall apart.
}
} Unfortunately, the resulting breakdown of atomic bonds caused by the
} pissoffon radiation causes short tempers, releasing even more
} pissoffons and accelerating the breakdown.  This is why everything
} appears to go wrong at one time, as stated in Goddammit's Law, the
} fundamental principle of bloody-minded physics.  (A corollary to this
} law, Custer's Last Hypothesis, states that this time will be the most
} inconvenient possible, goddammit.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "A Brief History of Time".  I need a good
} laugh.


679-09    (tfdd7 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do some people say such stupid stuff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}


679-10    (7atkb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mysterious, funky one:
>
> Tell me where doth one find true love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       True love, or not true love- that is the question!
}       Whether 'tis better in the heart to suffer
}       The pangs and sorrows of unrequited desire
}       Or to shack up with the first bimbo you meet
}       And by screwing, seek surcease.  To yearn- to love-
}       No more; and by a love to say we end
}       The horniness, and the thousand physical attractions
}       That flesh is heir to.  'Tis a copulation
}       Devoutly to be wish'd.  To yearn- to love.
}       To love- perchance to have sex: ay, there's the rub!


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