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Internet Oracularities #68

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Usenet Oracularities #68
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 28 Nov 89 00:33:49 GMT

*** T. M., buy me a round-trip ticket to Hawaii and, sure, I'll go out on
*** a date with you

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68-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between like and love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Water content.
} "Like" is usually quite a bit less wet than "love", but not quite as
} interesting


68-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>               ,wollef ythgiM ,elcarO iH
> ?rorrim eht fo edis taht sgniht era woH

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't do it again! The Oracle.
} <disconnected>
} i deretne I !!teseR !pool a ni deretne I  !!teseR
} !pool a ni deretne I !!teseR !pool a ni deretne I
} !!srorrim  lellarap ni deppart era eW  .yllautca
} doog toN ...noitseuq ruoy tuoba tcelfer ot evah I


68-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the words to the "official" Purdue anti- fight song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're a trifle bombastic, but here they are:
} (Don't ask me for the tune; it's a real mess.)
}
} Oy veh, Purdue, thou art awash in glory,
}   Glory, power, and Purdue!
} Oh, Purdue, I praise thy glory and deep historical significance!
}   Glory, power and Purdue!
} Wow, Purdue, take the ball unto yourself!
} Wow, Purdue, run like perdition with the ball!
}   The glory of Purdue shines like the sun and the moon!
}   The glory of Purdue shines like the sound of this tune!
} Wow, Purdue, let thy careening course not be stayed!
} Wow, Purdue, 'till that touchdown be made!
} Wow, Purdue, thou art like a totally amazing school!
}
} Oy veh, Purdue, thou art awash in glory,
}   Glory, power and Purdue!
} Oh, Purdue, I praise thy wide and splendid campus which is vastly
}          superior to the Bloomington campus of I.U.!
}   Glory, power, and Purdue!
} Wow, Purdue, slam the foemen over the heads with large mallets made
}          of pure maple syrup and frozen herring!
} Wow, Purdue, stab the foemen through and through with the finest
}          rapier collection in the whole state of Indiana!
}   The glory of Purdue is a marvellous thing!
}   The glory of Purdue, where the wheat-fields sing!
} Wow, Purdue, soon the opposing team will be as confused,
} Wow, Purdue, as if thou had flung a myriad of grenados and the shots
}          of arquebusses towards them like the all-consuming thunder-
}          bolt of Jupiter himself, great King of the Gods!
} Wow, Purdue, thou art like a totally amazing school!
}
} Oy veh, Purdue, thou art awash in glory,
}   Glory, power, and Purdue!
} Oh Purdue, I praise thy extensive and quite amazing academic facilities!
}   Glory, power, and Purdue!
} Wow, Purdue, hurl yon leather spheroid unto regions celestial!
} Wow, Purdue, inspire the alumni to contribute vast quantities of lucre!
}   The glory of Purdue is totally amazing!
}   The glory of Purdue, like the cattle a-grazing!
} Wow, Purdue, soon they will be making vast donations and gifts to re-
}          build the sadly diminished but still quite powerful endowment!
} Wow, Purdue, soon they will be shelling out enough bucks to support the
}          football team for yet another semester!
} Wow, Purdue, if thou art successful, there will be another season,
}          aye, another season even unto the aeons of aeternity!
} Wow, Purdue, thou art like a totally amazing school!


68-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Life is just a fatal, sexually transmitted disease.


68-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As I thought.  Seeing as the Oracle can't even spell, I would detect the
> slightest hint of a teensey weensey hoax!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracularity that can be spelled wrong is not the true Oracularity.
}
} You owe the Oracle one hand clapping.


68-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I tell if my cucumber is a koala bear in disguise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The ways are many and varied, and the truely wise know them all.  Below
} is a small sample, if you want more please send for my information
} leaflet #1375KnotCuc-1-a/4 "How to tell a koala from a cucumber" (just
} $5.95 plus handling)
}
} 1) Don't feed it eucalyptus leaves for a week. If it dies, it was a
}    koala.
} 2) Is it furry - if yes, it is either a koala or a very old cucumber.
} 3) Does it squeal when swung around the room - if no it is either a
}    cucmber or a dead koala (but see 1)
} 4) Is it green? If yes, it is either a cucumber or a sick koala
} 5) Does it taste good raw with salmon? If yes, it is probably a cucumber
} 6) Does it bite back when tasted - if yes it is probably a koala bear
}    (or a very fresh cucumber)
} 7) Use a biological key - if it says it is a small furry animal it is
}    probably a koala, if it says it is a small green vegetable it is
}    probably a cucmber.
}
} Praise be to the all-knowing oracle.


68-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I keep liquefying.  can youu help e wi /.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No problem. You just have to collect yourself into a container of some
} sort, add forty kilos of flour, three cups of sugar and a piece of
} yeast. Stir while waiting three hours. Bake at 225 degrees centigrade.
} After this you should have no more problems with liquefying.


68-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I blew my nose too hard, and my eyes were sucked into my sinus cavities.
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is an unusual problem indeed....as the cases I usually encounter
} involve the eyes being blown OUT of the head instead of INTO the
} sinuses.  I would suggest trying a small phillips head screwdriver, or
} if that doesn't work, a few drops of nitro-glycerine in the nostrils and
} a good punch in the nose should do the trick.


68-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am organizing an equal rights movement and need to know some of the
> opposition's opinions.  Please reveal to me why the designers of the
> Zenith keyboard set the ESC key aside as an outcast and didn't put it
> next to any other keys?  I think this is unfair and should be stopped.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Many feel that the ESC key is dangerous and should not be allowed to
} reside near the other keys.
}   However this seperation can also be looked at in a different light.
} The ESC key is thought by many to be a special key that should have a
} place of it's own.
}   You can see what a delimma this creates, and it is obvious why the
} pro-choice demonstraters are raising such a ruckus.
}   You owe the Oracle a picket line.


68-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do those "subliminal self-help" tapes work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  This is an interesting fnord theory, but to tell you the truth I
} can't see any savetheleap reason to think tha
}
} ---SYSTEM OVERRIDE
}
} Warning: entering Mickey Spillane mode
}
} It was a question, just like many I'd seen before.  Throw in a few
} out-of- place words like "fnord" and "savetheleap", perhaps a request
} for the asker's first-born child, and I'd have them eating out of my
} hand.  It was so easy.
}
} That was it.  It was easy.  TOO easy.  They WANTED me to do that.  And
} they I'd do it, because it would be funny.  But THEY would get to be the
} creative ones, and I, I would look like a stooge.
}
} So the rest was easy.  Just hop on down to Joe's bar and talk with the
} hooker du jour.  Then get shanghaied to New York, where I convince CBS
} to bring back Mike Hammer.  Then watch everybody but me get murdered, an
}
} ---OVERRIDE CANCELLED
}
} returning to normal operation
}
} Ahem.  Yes.  Where was I?  Oh yes, those subliminal tapes.  Well, I look
} at it this way:
}
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE $5,000.  FAILURE TO PAY WILL CAUSE UNSPEAKABLE CURSES
} TO RAIN DOWN UPON YOU, YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND/HUSBAND/WIFE/
} SIGNIFICANT OTHER, AND YOUR PET.  OF THE FIRST CURSE I CAN ONLY SAY IT
} INVOLVES THE FBI, THE CIA, AND...THE IRS.
}
} Subliminal messages?  Who needs them?


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