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Internet Oracularities #680

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680, 680-01, 680-02, 680-03, 680-04, 680-05, 680-06, 680-07, 680-08, 680-09, 680-10


Usenet Oracularities #680    (84 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 07:54:14 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   680
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

680   84 votes 7cCm5 4jAi7 hzi86 9jtk7 afvl7 hpli3 gcmgi 8mpib 4bkxg bfgvb
680   3.0 mean  3.1   3.1   2.4   3.0   3.0   2.6   3.1   3.0   3.5   3.2


680-01    (7cCm5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle!  When will I finally stop having
> such rotten luck?  <sigh>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's your good luck horoscope:
}
} Wednesday:      You will find newfound fame. (Samples of
}                 your DNA will be found in OJ Simpson's Ford
}                 Bronco.)
}
} Thursday:       You will find love. (And lose it again,
}                 when they kick you out of the Kennedy
}                 compound.)
}
} Friday:         Your boss will give you a bonus. (And your
}                 termination papers.)
}
} Saturday:       You will discover a new love. (And, since
}                 Michael and Lisa-Marie are now married,
}                 you'll make it a threesome.)
}
} Sunday:         You will have a day of relaxation. (Because
}                 with a hangover like that, are you going to
}                 get out of bed?)
}
} Monday:         You will no longer owe any debts
}                 as of Monday. (The bankruptcy court will
}                 seize all of your assets and pay off your
}                 creditors.)
}
} Tuesday:        You will find a four-leaf clover. (Near your
}                 new home in a shopping cart under the bridge
}                 by the railroad tracks.)
}
} So, it looks like good luck is heading your way in only a week!
}
} You owe the Oracle a four-leaf clover.


680-02    (4jAi7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If all the world is a stage, what does that make you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The critic that can close the play on the first night.


680-03    (hzi86 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Question to the Answer of Life, the Universe, and
> Everything?
> I just know you're willing to risk the Univere being destroyed,
> because you're immortal anyway, O Great One.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?


680-04    (9jtk7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, oracle most wise, oh whom I humbly approach wearing sackcloth and
> ashes (excuse me -- <scratch>,<scratch>), please favor this inadequate
> one with a glimmer of your infinite wisdom and limitless compassion and
> understanding...
>
> I have a friend who works at, well, an unnamed place, and is going on a
> trip to, well, I'd rather not say, to see her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend
> and some, I'd rather not say how many, of his friends, of whom I don't
> know any of their names (I hope that's not important).  I believe she
> feels obligated to go, but would much rather stay, well, elsewhere, and
> indulge in shamelessly hedonistic behavior.
>
> I would like to offer her advice, but I am at a loss.   Should she stay
> or should she go now?
>
> I remain utterly fearful and cowed by your magnificence.
>
> PS.  Does sackcloth go into the Cotton, Knit or Delicate cycle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Be honest with your friend.  After all, true love comes from the soul,
} not the groin.  If she really thinks that she should see her boyfriend
} one last time to say goodbye, encourage her.  A cheap sexual encounter
} won't do anything but hurt her, even if she ...
}
} Hello?  Is someone there?  Funny, could've sworn I heard someone....
}
} Hey!  Get off me!  Leggo my mout you battid!  Agh!  Hlp!  Hlp!  Mrdr!
}
} Okay.  There we go.  Don't worry, supplicant, we'll take Sensitive Boy
} back to America Online and lock him in the Chat Rooms for a month.
} That should be enough punishment.  This, by the way, is the REAL Usenet
} Oracle, who has been locked in a closet by this dweeb for the past five
} weeks.  Look, how was I to know that he wasn't really an Amway guy when
} I let him in?
}
} All I can say is this: If your friend isn't indulging in shamelessly
} hedonistic behavior, that's her business.  If she's indulging in it,
} but not with you, then that's YOUR business.  That answer your
} question?  If not, come on, I've been living in a closet and fed Pot
} Noodles for more than a month.
}
} P.S. Warm wash, cold rinse, no bleach, tumble dry low.


680-05    (afvl7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, who is really, uh, great, y'know what I mean, and does
> really, uh, wonderful things or something like that.
>
> Oracle, Tower Records in Piccadilly Circus, London, have just put in
> new CD listening posts, where each post has two pairs of headphones to
> listen to the same CD. Which means that you have to agree with the
> person next to you about which CD to listen to and which track, and get
> their agreement to change.
>
> Given that Tower Records is always packed to the brim with French,
> German, and Arab girls on holiday, these listening posts are such an
> astonishingly cool idea that it MUST have come from you.
>
> Oracle, please can you show me the question from Tower Records and your
> answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is obvious what the question was. You may consider yourself lucky
} that I even deign to answer.
}
} >Oh great Oracle, King of the West, Light of my Life, Soup of the Day,
} >As the manager of Tower Records, please tell me...
} >How can I encourage the spread of global friendship in my humble
} >abode, and get the young people of today to enjoy and share in life's
} >rich tapestry together? To share in life's experiences, it's highs and
} >lows?
} >
} >Failing that, how can I help them to get laid?
}
} My reply need not follow, as you have already experienced for yourself
} the hours of fulfilment that can be had.
}
} Note: watch out for the Swedish backpackers...


680-06    (hpli3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> about family reunions

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you live in West Virginia, family reunions are the best places to
} find a date.


680-07    (gcmgi dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, omnipotent oracle, please answer me this question;
> Why do we have to use Pine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Good question.  Isn't this a good question, Feynman?
} Feynman: Yeah, it's a really good one.
} Oracle: Why *do* we have to use Pine, anyway?
} Feynman: I don't bloody well know.
} Oracle: Then let's find out, shall we?  Fortunately I have the phone
}         number for the Pine Dev Team right here... 1-800-PINE-DEV.
} Phone: Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep click
}        click riiing riiing rii-
} Voice [on other end of phone]: Pine Dev Team.  You're talking to Vinny.
} Oracle: Hi, Vinny.  I was wondering why we had to use Pine.
} Vinny: Huh?
} Oracle: Yeah, see, it's the Usenet Oracle, and I have this query here,
}         this guy wants to know why we have to use Pine.  I mean, come
}         on, after all those thousands of secret Energy Department
}         dollars funneled into your project, you'd think you could come
}         up with a decent mail reader.
} Vinny: Mail reader?  We didn't design Pine as a mail reader.
} Oracle: What?
} Vinny: No, it's one of those whatchamacallits.
} Oracle: Extremely confusing and irritating logic puzzles?
} Vinny: Yeah, that's it!  Say, you're really the Usenet Oracle?
} [ZOT]
} Vinny: Uh, I guess so.
} Oracle: Sorry about your dog.
} Vinny: No problem.  I was going to take it down to the river, put it in
}        a sack with a few bricks and drop it in anyway.  No, like I was
}        saying, here's a secret: if you press Ctrl-Q, Shift-W, Alt-6 and
}        cross your eyes at the same time, you'll enter the Secret Mode.
} Oracle: I'm intrigued.  Tell me more.
} Vinny: Well, you can type pine -idchoppers to add a MIME-compliant
}        bitmap of a chainsaw to all your posts.  Or pine -mortalkombat2ii
}        to make a fake beta of Pine appear on wuarchive in the incoming
}        directory.  Or - and this one is my favorite - you can use pine
}        -oak -burgundy to send a false order for a new wood living room
}        set to your nearest Sears branch.
} Oracle: Hold on.  That's pine -oak -burgundy is it?
} Vinny: Yep.
} Oracle: Cool.  So it's not a mail reader?
} Vinny: Nope.  I guess you could use it that way, but we're too busy
}        adding new secret command line switches to worry about reading
}        mail with it.
} Oracle: Okay.  Thanks, Vinny.
} Vinny: No problem. [Click]
} Phone: Bzzzz.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whole new bunch of kewl Mortal Kombat II
} fatalities.


680-08    (8mpib dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise please tell me what a lamp post is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} lamp post --- abbreviation for lamp, post-modern.
}
} Traditional (classical) lamps are designed to give light, whereas the
} lamp post is designed to take all available photons and anti-photons,
} store them, mix them, and emit them at very fast and random intervals
} with an MTV soundtrack backing. In this way, the 'problem' of darkness
} is dealt with, not in a Hegelian way, by finding the antithesis
} (light), but by calling into question the outmoded linear concepts of
} light, darkness and vision.
}
} You owe the Oracle dinner with an English major.


680-09    (4bkxg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do babies come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Marxists: From the dialectical interaction of male and female.
}
} Deconstructionists: The 'baby' is simply a complex multicellular
} lifeform, arising in a random way from other such lifeforms. Attempting
} to work out a pattern in such procedures is not a useful activity.
}
} Mystics: The baby does not come from or go anywhere. It just *is*
}
} rec.humor readers:
}
} >>>>>>>Please could you email me the list of baby jokes?
} ..
} ..
} > Me too!
}
} Postmodernists: MTV
}
} Republicans: Irresponsible welfare mothers on *OUR* tax dollars!
}
} College Freshmen: Is this going to be on the test?
}
} Mathematicians: Let f be a function with domain the set P of people
} (indexed by the set {1 ... 5,000,000,000} and range the set {M, F}. Now
} let g be a mapping from the set P^2 to N, with
}
}         g(x,y) = 0 if f(x) = f(y)
}                  geometrically distributed otherwise
}
} We say that g(x,y) is the number of babies born to couple x,y
} Exercise: If f, g are randomly chosen, then with probability > 0.99999,
} there is some pair (x,y) with g(x,y) > 0
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to Planned Parenthood.


680-10    (bfgvb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@hal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle,
>       I am a completely sad and lonely boy.  I can't get girls,
> boys, or small pets to come near me.  I can't even get a "God bless
> you" from someone, much less a backrub.  The hormones are coursing
> through my body and I have no outlet Oracle, please tell me that
> there is someone for me in my now bleak future!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fear not, humble supplicant!  Your future is assured, in fact, here's a
} rundown of significant events in your life yet to happen (some names
} changed to protect the guilty):
}
} September, 1994:  After months of pubescent angst (and long hours in
} the bathroom), Supplicant X. writes to The Usenet O. to ask what he
} should do.
}
} January, 1995:  Thanks to success of "My So-Called Life" the angstful
} keep-away-from-me-or-I'll-be-moody-at-you look catches on among aimless
} youth worldwide.  Supplicant X. realizes that he is now just like
} everybody else (except much better at it thanks to his head start) and
} gets laid by a girl who changed her name to Apathy after handing in her
} resignation from the "whole human race thing".
}
} February, 1995:  The Usenet O., meeting Apathy at a rave in Memphis,
} comments on Supplicant X.'s transformation.  Apathy, however, doesn't
} care, and tries to get O. in the sack.  O., not having been affected by
} the truly astronomical quantities of drugs floating around, decides
} against it.
}
} Later that same night:  The Usenet O. meets Supplicant X., who is being
} courted by record executives, despite the fact that X. cannot sing and
} in fact has never done anything musical in his life.  Quote: "We need a
} new enigma; Cobain shot himself, Vedder's getting almost
} comprehensible, we think that X. could be the one!"
}
} October, 1995:  _A Sad And Lonely Boy_ (S. Music, 43mins.) skyrockets
} to the top of the charts on the basis of X.'s refusal to do interviews,
} appear in public, or even perform for any kind of audience whatsoever.
} _Rolling Stone_ raves and compares X. to Jim Morrison.  _Spin_ raves
} and compares him to Kurt Cobain.  _Better Homes & Gardens_ runs an
} article on greener, lusher rose bushes.
}
} November, 1995:  Dirty rumors about Supplicant X. thinking "Hey, people
} like me, maybe I'm not such a bad person after all" are hotly denied by
} top officials at S. Music, who fear losing their latest gold mine - uh,
} voice of a generation.
}
} December, 1995:  Supplicant X. dies in bed with five women, all of them
} named Apathy, while under the influence of way too much Prozac.
}
} And thus, Supplicant X., though your future may be short, it will have
} someone for you, and her name is Apathy.
}
} You owe O. a flannel shirt.


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