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Internet Oracularities #683

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Usenet Oracularities #683    (93 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 17 Oct 1994 10:22:20 -0500

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683   93 votes 7imzb 5yAh1 awwh2 iyog1 6tCf5 3kyu6 afsqe 48amN aernj 9ctrg
683   3.1 mean  3.3   2.7   2.7   2.4   2.8   3.2   3.2   4.1   3.3   3.3


683-01    (7imzb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows most everything there is to know
> and lots more besides, pray help me.
>
> I have been trying to use this inter net for days.
> I still haven't caught any inters yet. What is an
> inter anyway and how may I improve my chances of
> catching some? Oh, and are they good to eat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The inter is a fearsome beast, and one must use extreme caution when
} trying to catch one using an inter net.  Basically, an inter is
} invisible and so absolutely, mind-astoundingly huge that only one of
} such great mental power as I, the Great Oracle, can even hope to grasp
} the concept completely. Do not forsake your quest, though, because an
} inter, while not very good to eat (or to be eaten by), is a fascinating
} beast that will give you years of enjoyment, hence the employment of an
} inter net to catch one alive. Catching an inter is great sport, and I
} myself have caught many.
}
} There are several ways of catching an inter.  Here are a few:
}
} Spread the inter net as far and wide as possible, stretching it as much
} as you possibly can.  This is the trap.  Then you must lead the inter
} into the net.  To do this, one must make a trail of something that
} inters really, really like.  One thing they like is people, and if you
} can somehow manage to talk someone into being the bait, then you can
} probably talk them into catching one and giving it to you.  Other
} things to use are tel nets (which they love to make string puzzles
} with), FTP's (which are like green peas but slightly different),
} Archie's (the comic, of course), and various other things that work to
} greater or lesser degrees.  Make a trail of these leading to the inter
} net, and when an inter comes along, drop it on him.
}
} Use a World Wide Web instead of an inter net, and you have a much
} better chance of catching one.
}
} You can also try to spot an inter wandering around, and jump it with
} the net.  This method has certain drawbacks, such as not being able to
} see it and the fact that the inter is much, much, much bigger than you.
}  You absolutely have to get it on the first try, or be able to outrun
} the entire Olympic sprinting team.
}
} What you do with it when you get it is another question entirely...
}
} Historical note:  The inters were created from sticking together a
} bunch of even more fearsome beasts called UNIX.  They were
} understandably angry about what happened to them, and that anger lives
} on in the inters.
}
} Persevere, and thou shalt recieve what is coming to thee.


683-02    (5yAh1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise oracle, please afford me but a speck of your vast
> knowledge and answer this question:
>
> If silence is golden how come the squeaky wheel gets the grease?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's like this:  Silence is golden.  So is the stuff in the
} pot at the end of the rainbow.  Somewhere over the rainbow is a
} long way away, and since you can't rely on twisters showing up
} when you need them, you're better off driving.  If you're going
} to drive that far, you'd better grease that squeaky wheel,
} or the noise will drive you nuts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vacation in the Emerald City, and a Horse
} of a different color.


683-03    (awwh2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Hey Oracle,
> I've got kind of a dilemma, here. You see, in the year 2020, my
> uncle invented, or should I say, will invent, a time machine.
> So, anyhow, I hopped in, or I will hop in, and I came back to
> 1994. So, wild stuff transpired, and now here I am, on the edge
> of a cliff, hanging on with one hand, and hanging on to my uncle
> with the other. Now, if my uncle dies, he will never invent the
> time machine, so then what? Will I have never made this trip?
> But, if I never made this trip, the wild stuff which led to my
> uncle's death never would have occurred. In that case, he would
> have lived to make the time machine, and I would come back, and
> here we go again. My fingers are slipping. If I let go, and we
> both die, then what? I'm afraid to try that, though, because
> what if the crazy bastard lives? Then I'm dead, right? Help me
> soon, oracle! I can't hold on much longer!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle knows that the universe is really multifarious in nature,
} which means that, except from an ethical standpoint, there's nothing
} really wrong with killing your parents or being your own ancestor, or
} destroying the means of providing yourself with a time machine before
} the fact.  The future consists of overlapping waveforms of possibility.
}  If you fail to drop off a cliff, you choose to live in the universe
} where you are alive.  If you fall, you live in a universe where...that
} is, you will die in a universe where you're dead.  If you drop the old
} SOB off the cliff, you will chose the universe in which you are under
} grand jury indictment for voluntary manslaughter, but you won't be
} chronologically harmed.
}
} You really will need to have going to been learning some new verb
} tenses to talk about your experiences though.


683-04    (iyog1 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So what was the punchline?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What happened to supplicant groveling? Kids, Ohy!! You buy them books,
} you send 'em to school, they stay in school until they rot.  they never
} get a job, just stay in school, tch tch!!
}   Well, I digress.  So you want to know what the answer is to "So what
} was the punchline?"
} So I should be tellink you what the punch line is?  Your sainted mother
} didn't ask.  Uncle Izzy didn't ask.  So why should you ask?  You should
} be ashamed of youself.  So go ask the butcher.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Dr. Brown Cel-ray and a Nathan's hot dog, mustard
} only ps- remember, keep the dishes seperate.  Your mother would be so
} proud of you, a supplicant.  She always wanted a supplicant in the
} family!!


683-05    (6tCf5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         O wise and gracious Oracle, pray tell:
>
>             Is Velveeta really nothing but cheese jello?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Velveeta, chemical symbol Ve, is a highly radioactive element with an
} atomic number of 110 and a shelf-life of 2.5x10^23 years or 50000
} miles, whichever comes first.  Formed in experiments at M.I.T.
} (Murray's Institute of Tools) back in the 70's, Velveeta has since
} become a popular spreadable product/adhesive/packaging material.
} Velveeta liquefys readily in the presence of heat and combines
} explosively in the environment of the digestive system.
}
} You owe the Oracle some New York sharp cheddar.


683-06    (3kyu6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@otis.EE.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Killing someone, doing society a service? why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      It all depends on the person being killed, and the reasons for the
} killing. For example:
}
} People who do not deserve to get whacked:
}      newlyweds.
}      veterans.
}      homeless.
}      single parents.
}      groveling supplicants.
}
} People who deserve to get whacked: (In no particular order)
}      drunk tanker captains.
}      hyperactive pro-life activists.
}      disgruntled postal workers.
}      hyperactive pro-choice activists.
}      supplicants who don't include a grovel in their question.
}      people who actually believe in john_-_winston.
}
} Bad ways to bump deserving people off:
}      mugging.
}      rape.
}      roasting over a hot fire.
}      the Iron Maiden. (I meant the device, but the group also fits.)
}      pictures of Penn Jilette in his Jockey shorts.
}
} Good way to bump deserving people off:
}      mummification of in postage stamps is a good idea. (Little
}        expensive on stamps, though.)
}      drowning in an oil tanker's holds is creative.
}      of course, the ever-popular zot.
}      mailbombing email accounts.
}
} OK, so we throw these together, and pull out:
}
}      Bad:
}      Mugging newlyweds.
}      Roasting single parents over a hot fire while making them watch
}        Penn Jilette in his scanties. (oh.. nobody could be that evil!)
}
}      Good:
}      Mummifying a disgruntled postal worker in postage stamps.
}      Email bombing of social activists.
}      Drowning of John_-_winston in the Exxon Valdez' holds.
}        (OK, OK, they don't always match exactly...)
}      Zotting supplicants who don't grovel... Hmm.. (checks original
}        message..)
}
} ready... aim.... ZOT!
}
} You owe the Oracle a disgruntled postal worker marinated in light,
} sweet crude.


683-07    (afsqe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@otis.EE.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm feeling really, really depressed right now.  I've got a personal
> problem that just can't be fixed by anyone (even you).  Since there
> is nothing I can do about it, it's like an itch I can't scratch.  I
> can't stand it.  It's even mostly my fault, so I can't even blame
> anyone else.
>
> Please tell me your favorite joke.  I need something funny to distract
> me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       This guy was walking along the beach one day and found a genie
} imprisoned in a bottle.  On release from the bottle, the genie said he
} could have three wishes granted.
}       The guy asked the genie for one date in bed with three awesome
} women.  Behold, it was granted and he wound up in bed with Tanya
} Harding,Lorena Bobbitt and Hilary Clinton.  It was a great night.
}       But in the morning, he awoke with his legs broken, his cock
} cut off, and no health insurance.


683-08    (48amN dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you have a hard drive ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was hanging out in a SCSI bar.  A loud bandwidth played in the
} corner.
}
} I gave the place a binary search.  I saw a little chip in the corner.
} She SIMMed like a pro.  I traversed over to her.
}
} She pressed her Apples against me.  "Hey, Mac, do you have a hard
} drive?"
}
} "No, only a floppy," I replied.
}
} "Well, then you need an Amiga," she sed.
}
} "Vi?"
}
} "Well, if I was your Amiga, we could interface."
}
} We went to a motel.  We took a bus.
}
} The motel was SCSI-2.  It needed to be debugged.
}
} "So, how much is this going to cost me?"  I queried.
}
} She added it up right away.  She had a mind like a...like a....
} She could add really fast.
}
} She stripped her binaries.  It was quite a procedure.
}
} "I'm going to turn your software into hardware," she transmitted.
}
} She started to spreadsheet.
}
} "So, are you ready to RAM?" she called.
}
} I had been auditing everything.  I sent a signal.  It was time for
} the trap.
}
} All the agents burst through the gateway.  My manager was with them.
}
} "Awk!  It's a RAID!" she sed.
}
} "Don't arrest me!  I'm a motherboard!  How will I explain this
} to my Sun?"
}
} The agents were not responding.  They got ready to stop her process.
}
} She was getting desperate.  "Hey, I could do a favor for all of you.
} I'm fully multitasking."
}
} It didn't work.  We're all UNIX.


683-09    (aernj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh rock en racle,
>
> You're my dream come true, my one and only you ...
> Come along and by my party doll, I'll make love to you ...
> Goodness gracious, great balls of fire ...
> Mabelline, why can't you be true, Oh Mabeline why can't you be true ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's a lady who's sure
} All that glitters is smoke on the water,
} And she's buying a magic bus.
} When she gets there she knows a little, and baby she can guess the rest,
} If the stores are all closer to the heart
} With a word she can get back what she came for.
}
} There's a sign on another brick in the wall,
} But she wants to take a walk on the wild side
} 'Cause you know sometimes words have to move on down the line.
} In a tree by the brook there's a dead skunk in the middle of the road;
} Sometimes all of our thoughts are wasting away in Margaritaville.
}
} There's a feeling I get when the music's over
} And my spirit is crying for leaving on a jet plane.
} In my thoughts I have seen
} Rings of smokestack lightning through the trees all kept equal
} and the voices of those who stand looking out my back door.
}
} And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune,
} Then the piper will lead me to the river, push me in the water.
} And a new day yesterday, but it's an old day now, will dawn
} For those who stand long tall Sally,
} and the forests will echo with lawyers, guns, and money.
}
} And it makes me wander.
}
} If there's a bustle in your hedgerow don't be cruel.
} It's just a spring clean for the G-L-O-R-I-A
} Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run,
} There's still time to change the country road, take me home.
}
} Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know
} The piper at the gates of dawn is calling you to join together.
} Dear lady, can't you hear me knocking,
} And did you know, your stairway lies down on Broadway?
}
} And as we wind on down the road to nowhere
} Our shadows in the rain taller than our soul man,
} There walks a lady we all know
} Who shines white light/white heat and wants to show
} How everything still turns to silver, blue, and gold
} And if you listen to the flower people very hard
} The tune will come to you at the last in line
} When all are one and one and one is three
} To be a rock and not to roll on down the highway.


683-10    (9ctrg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
> Could you please tell who invented pantyhose and why? What is their
> function and purpose? They are an entity that is totally
> incomprehensible to me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gadzooks, some people just can't take the time to do their own
} research. Have you people not read your Bible recently?  Allow me to
} quote from the book of Genesis, Oracle's Expanded Edition:
}
} 003:013 And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou
}         hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I
}         did eat.
}
} 003:014 And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done
}         this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast
}         of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt
}         thou eat all the days of thy life:
}
} 003:015 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between
}         thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou
}         shalt bruise his heel.
}
} 003:016 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and
}         thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and
}         thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over
}         thee.
}
} 003:016.1 And though shalt be consumed by thine vanity, and though
}           shalt be driven by that trait to perform acts of great
}           stressfullness;
}
} 003:016.2 Thou shalt bind thine legs so that thine cellulite shalt not
}           be betrayed; and the swaddling shalt be synthetic, such that
}           neither cooling air nor trapped moisture may pass through its
}           barrier;
}
} 003:016.3 Thou shalt deny thyself the nourishment thou cravest; and
}           thou shalt subsisteth on chalky protein gruel, mocking
}           labelled a shake, for 40 days in succession;
}
} 003:016.4 Thou shalt augmentheth thine stature by walking upon tall
}           spires; and these spires shall entangle themselves in the
}           brambles, stones, and heating grates of the world, twisting
}           thine ankles;  and thine calves shalt feel the burn;
}
} 003:016.5 Thou shalt wed thine self-esteem to the length of the nails
}           of thine fingers;  and the trials of the world shall cause
}           them to crack in a brittle manner, and they shall peel back
}           painfully;
}
} 003:016.6 Eve wept.
}
} Now shut up and take your punishment like a man.  You owe the Oracle a
} really, really comfortable pair of Hush Puppies.


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