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Internet Oracularities #684

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684, 684-01, 684-02, 684-03, 684-04, 684-05, 684-06, 684-07, 684-08, 684-09, 684-10


Usenet Oracularities #684    (88 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 19 Oct 1994 14:17:39 -0500

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   684
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

684   88 votes 7btpg dApc2 8ovh8 5qtk8 9wwb4 7jnqd b9cow 67nAg gzr82 4esio
684   3.1 mean  3.4   2.5   2.9   3.0   2.6   3.2   3.6   3.6   2.4   3.5


684-01    (7btpg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, oracle most wise. How did the dinosaurs become extinct?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Way back in the Jurassic era, dinosaurs thrived and flourished.  They
} were everywhere.  They practically ruled the Earth.  And of course
} they had the Oracle to give advice and generally help them.
}
} And it so happened that one day, an extremely clever dinosaur asked
} the Oracle the following question:
}
} > How many bites could a trilobite trill if a trilobite could trill
} > bites?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Come on, there must be more important things to ask me.  Don't
} } bother me with such silly questions, I've got better things to do
} } (I'm working on a neat experiment with small mammals right now.)
}
} And the millenia passed, and yet another dinosaur asked the Oracle:
}
} > How many bites could a trilobite trill if a trilobite could trill
} > bites?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } That question again?!  Next one to ask it gets ZOTted on the spot!
} } Do you know what a hard day I've had working on those primitive
} } monkeys?
}
} And it came to pass that a certain purple dinosaur asked the Oracle:
}
} > Oh Orrie <hug hug>, you are so wonderful and cute, come on and tell
} > your friend Barney how many bites could a trilobite trill if a
} > trilobite could trill bites?  I love you!!
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } THAT DOES IT!
}
} The subsequent <***ZOT!***> destroyed 90% of the Earth's dinosaur
} population, and sterilized the remaining 10%.  And then the Oracle
} added:
}
} } as an afterthought, why don't we release those damned monkeys now
} } and see if they can do any better than the godzilla-faces?
}
} Unfortunately, as you probably already know, the monkeys turned out to
} be just as annoying as the dinosaurs, if not more so.  Even worse,
} they've resurrected that unspeakable purple menace... hmm, perhaps
} it's time for my new, improved cockroaches now?
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as ky) a big purple zipper.


684-02    (dApc2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose limitless insights inspire and confound even the wisest
> of men, whose incisiveness delights the simple and the great alike,
> prithee tell me the answer I seek:
>
> When an irresistable force meets an immovable object, do they generally
> end up dating?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but always at the latter's place.
}
} You owe the Oracle a your mother-in-law in spandex.


684-03    (8ovh8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle-
>       I am requesting information on the New York City and Chicago
> fire departments.  I would like to be able to access this info through
> the internet system. Please send me an answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene: a small room in a New York City police station.  The
} room has no windows and is vaguely grimy in the manner that
} only a very old, heavily used building can achieve.  Several
} plainclothes officers are smoking and questioning a strikingly
} handsome man, who is sitting on a chair in the center of the
} room with a bright light shining in his face.  The questioned
} person radiates a faint glow of omniscience.  We can just hear
} his half of the questioning.]
}
} "Hey, man, I don't know nothing about no fire departments, OK?
} Those fires musta been accidents or something.  Yeah, I know
} the guy had just sent in the "How much wood..." question for
} the 87th time, what's that got to do with anything?  He was
} probably smoking in bed or somethin', he was a dumb fool
} anyway, always asking stupid stuff.  OK, so he didn't smoke,
} maybe he had a friend over or something.  Alright, so he didn't
} have any friends, how should I know how the fire started?
} Whaddya mean, the neighbors said they saw a blinding flash of light
} before the fires?  What's that got to do with me?  No, like I
} told ya before, I don't know anything about this "zot" thing,
} you must have the wrong guy.  No, no, no, I told ya three times
} already, "Oracle" is my NAME, OK?  T. U. Oracle, from Indiana.
} No, like I said, I'm not some kinda computer mystic or
} anything, I swear that's the weirdest thing I ever heard.  I'm
} just a janitor at U. of Indiana.  No, really!  Well, I guess I
} musta heard about the woodchuck question from one of my buddies
} at work, that's it, someone musta mentioned it, and told me
} that he had sent it in 87 times.  Hey, can I go now?  Why'd you
} guys drag me all the way out to New York, anyway?  I didn't do
} nuthin!"
}
} [One of the policemen sighs, looks down for a moment, then
} looks backs at the man in the chair.  "OK, let's go over this
} again...."]
}
} You owe the Oracle an alibi, a flame-retardant suit and a body
} double.


684-04    (5qtk8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why doesn't tape work under water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It _does_ work.  All you need is a clean, dry surface like the
} directions say.
}
} You owe the Oracle an adhesive that will stick two dirty, wet things
} together.


684-05    (9wwb4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, my Oracle, tell me please, is this the worst joke ever??????
> -My dog's got no nose
> -How does it smell then?
> -Terrible!
> ......or do more vacuously unfunny horrors lurk in the deep depths of
> Oracle City?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  The following is the worst joke on record in all humankind.  This
} incarnation of the Oracle once knew someone who thought this joke was
} absolutely hysterical and vowed to marry the first man she met who
} agreed.
}
} Person #1: Ask me if I'm an orange.
} Person #2: Are you an orange?
} Person #1: No.
}
} You owe the Oracle a laugh track from "The Cosby Show."


684-06    (7jnqd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle, who has many Priests,
>
> Recently a question I wrote was selected for the Oracularities
> Digest by Steve Kinzler himself. This was the first time that ever
> happened to me.
>
> He doesn't do many. Does he review a regular quota? Or just dip into
> the queue from time to time? Or pinch-hit when a priest is on
> vacation? Or help out when the Priests are falling behind? Or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, congratulations on being selected for the Oracularities
} Digest!  As you are no doubt aware, this is no mean feat, and does
} in fact usually require large sums of money and a small sacrifice or
} two.  (That will come later, as you get hooked and become more
} desperate to be published.  For further discussion of this topic, see
} the chapter entitled, "Graduate School.")
}
} As for your question, I am concerned that Steve feels the need to be
} involved at all.  Let's go see him.
}
} [Scene fades out, then back in again, the Oracle now standing before an
} immense doorway to a large mansion in southern California.
}
} The Oracle knocks.
}
} After some time, Steve Kinzler appears at the door.  He is dressed in
} a scarlet bathrobe with matching slippers and is smoking a pipe, a
} smug grin on his face.  Several scantily clad women are lounging on
} a divan in the background.]
}
} Kinzler: Oracle!  So glad to see you!  Sorry it took me a minute to
}          answer the door, but I was just getting ready to head to the
}          Jungle Room.  Come - we'll talk along the way.
}
} [The Oracle follows Steve through a maze of oaken doorways, the smell
} of incense mingling with the squeals of delight which emanate from
} every closed door along the way.]
}
} Oracle:  I really like what you've done to the place!  The last time I
}          was here, everything was covered in fur.
}
} Kinzler: Hmmm, well, I decided to go post-modern.  Besides, the
}          cleaning bills were astronomical.  That, and the new
}          synthetics just didn't have that certain "look and feel."
}
} Oracle:  Yeah, I know what you mean.
}
} [Steve opens an otherwise non-descript door and bids the Oracle to
} enter. Inside is the largest Jacuzzi that the Oracle has ever seen,
} surrounded by dozens of potted palms, birds-of-paradise, ferns, and
} other various forms of underbrush.  The sounds of tropical wildlife
} ooze from several well-camouflaged all-weather speakers, while cleverly
} arranged mirrors make the room look many times larger than it actually
} is.  Six minbogglingly beautiful bikini-clad women are sipping
} margaritas in and around the hot tub.  Steve removes his bathrobe,
} revealing a pair of red swim trunks liberally sprinkled with the IU
} logo.  A puff of smoke momentarily enshrouds the Oracle, then clears,
} revealing the Oracle in trunks which read, "Open Late This Holiday
} Season For Your Enjoyment." Both enter the frothy water and relax.]
}
} Kinzler: So what brings you here, anyway?
}
} Oracle:  A supplicant of mine mentioned that you had a hand in
}          selecting a question for the Oracularities Digest.  I was
}          worried that you were feeling a little left out or something.
}
} Kinzler: (chuckles)  Not at all.  It's just that whenever a
}          particilarly good question gets selected for the Digest - I
}          *do* read the Digest, you know - I make it a point to invite
}          the Priest involved to visit here for a while as a "thank
}          you."  (It also allows me a certain tax break for this place.)
}           If it happens to be an Oracular PriestESS, she's invited to
}          stay in the East Wing with the Chippendale's Volunteer
}          Entertainment Squad.
}
}          Anyway, things have been going so well lately that there
}          aren't that many priests available right now.  I lend a hand
}          whenever the booze starts to run out and I can't afford to
}          have any more visitors.
}
} Oracle:  Well, that's a relief!  I was afraid that you'd finally
}          snapped from all this "living."
}
} Kinzler: Not to worry.  Besides, if *I* pick the Digest entry, the
}          supplicant has to pay me a lot of money and maybe make a
}          sacrifice or two.  That's how I afford more of this "living,"
}          as you say.
}
} Oracle:  Nice setup!  I still miss the fur, though.  Well, I'd better
}          get back to Olympus and answer some more questions -
}
} Kinzler: No need to leave just yet!  Jennifer?
}
} [A black-haired, blue-eyed nymphette smiles devilishly at the Oracle
} and holds out a waterproofed laptop with a cellular modem...]
}
} You owe the Oracle a damn good question.


684-07    (b9cow dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the true definition of a woman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                    WOMAN
}          ( A Chemical Analysis )
}
} Element: woman
}
} Symbol: Wo
}
} Discoverer: Adam
}
} Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100-160 lbs.
}
} Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
}
} Physical Properties:
}   1/ Surface usually covered in painted film
}   2/ boils at nothing, freezes without reason
}   3/ melts if given proper treatment
}   4/ bitter if used incorrectly
}   5/ found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common 'ore
}
} Chemical properties:
}   1/ Possess great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious
}      stones
}   2/ able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances
}   3/ may explode spontaneously if left alone with a male
}   4/ insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation
}      in alcohol
}   5/ yield to pressure applied to correct points
}
} Uses:
}   1/ Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
}   2/ most powerful money-reducing agent known
}   3/ can be a great aid to relaxation
}
} Tests:
}   1/ Pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state
}   2/ Turns green if placed beside a better specimen
}
} Caution:
}   1/ Highly volatile except in experienced hands
}   2/ illegal to posses more than one except in certain restricted areas
}
} You owe me more specimens to conduct further experiments.


684-08    (67nAg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, ___________ Oracle, whose ________ I am unworthy to _______, whose
>     ADJECTIVE                 BODY PART                  VERB
> great ______ could _________ beat me ________ and blue if he found my
>        NOUN         ADVERB            COLOR
> query _________, I ________ you to respond to my hearfelt ________.
>       ADJECTIVE     VERB                                    NOUN
> ___________, mighty sage, bestow upon this __________ supplicant your
> EXCLAMATION                                ADJECTIVE
> ___________.  I had a dream in which I was __________________ down a
>     NOUN                                   VERB ENDING IN ING
> long ________.  At the end of the _________, I saw my _________ fighting
>        NOUN                       SAME NOUN           RELATIVE
> against a(n) _________.  (S)he battled _________, but I knew I must
>                ANIMAL                    ADVERB
> _________ into the fray myself.  ________, the skies ________________,
>   VERB                            ADVERB             VERB, PAST TENSE
> and __________ appeared before me, __________________ benevolently.  I
>        DIETY                       VERB ENDING IN ING
> would have _______________ my pants right then, but I _______ realized I
>            BODILY FUNCTION                            ADVERB
> was wearing nothing but my ___________________.
>                            ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
> What could this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} __________ _________ Supplicant,
} SALUTATION ADJECTIVE
} Your ________ dream lead me to ____ some _________ things about you.
}      ADJECTIVE                 VERB      ADJECTIVE
} First, it is obvious that your ________ ________________ you when you
}                                RELATIVE VERB, PAST TENSE
} were younger and what is worse, you ________________ it!
}                                     VERB, PAST TENSE
} Secondly, you seem to be very afriad of ______s because of the time
}                                         ANIMAL
} your ________ made you ____ one when you were younger.
}      RELATIVE          VERB
} Your fear of ____ is obviously because of the respect you feal
}              DIETY
} for this ______________________________ Oracle.
}          ADJECTIVE DESCRIBING GREATNESS
} Your inabilty to control your _______________ is because your diet
}                               BODILY FUNCTION
} is so high in _______________.
}               HIGH FIBRE FOOD
} You owe the Oracle a picture of _______________________
}                                 BIG BREASTED SUPERMODEL
} wearing nothing but a ___________________.
}                       ARTICLE OF CLOTHING


684-09    (gzr82 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will kathryn come down, and will i get some?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Oracle believes that the answer will be found in the book of
} Limerick, chapter 5, verse 1:
}
}       There once was a lass upstairs
}       Who could not control her hairs
}       So she pulled them all out
}       And with a great shout
}       Threw them all down the stairs
}
}   As you can see, Kathryn suffers from the mental illness Rapunzellus
} Difficultus. As you might guess, this would mean that she literally
} obeys the words "let down your hair." As you might feel, you will most
} certainly look like a hairy ape when she is finished showering you with
} her curls. You will get plenty, but she will not come down!
}
} You owe the Oracle a first-born daughter, who will spend her life in
} a tower.


684-10    (4esio dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise tell me what do dogs think (if they do think) when
> they see their reflection in the mirror?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle must admit that he was briefly tempted to answer this
} question with an answer of "Probably something along the lines of
} 'woof'..", but then it began to dawn on me that I was not understanding
} the pure, unadulterated dogness of the situation. So, after sitting
} down with a large glass brimming with Ye Old Oracular Thought
} Lubricant, I began to ponder the inner though processes of your average
} canine.
}
} The first step on my journey to experiencing inner dogness...the Zen of
} Eating, Sleeping, and Rooting Through The Garbage, as it were, was to
} realize that dogs, on the whole, have the IQ of Kool-Aid. This in mind,
} I began to think as a dog would.. I spent many hours in deep
} meditation, preparing body and soul for the descent from oracular
} omniscience to the relative idiocy of your average German Shepherd.
}
} Once I had accustomed myself to the habit of sniffing my friends and
} relations' posteriors in greeting, and developed a taste for Gravy
} Train, I positioned myself carefully in The Oracular Test Lab And
} Center For The Development Of Arcane Knowledge, hereby referred to as
} "The Bathroom", with a veiled mirror before my face, and my ever
} helpful assistant prepared to lift the veil and exit The Bathroom and
} leave me to my contemplation upon my signal.
}
} I signalled. The veil was lifted, and my humble assistant left me to my
} thoughts. I stared deeply into the mirror, absorbing all that I saw,
} and filing it in my memory for future reference. The vision was
} astounding. A sleek barking machine stared me back with a steady gaze.
} I attempted to circle to his backside, for a friendly get-acquainted
} sniff..to my surprise, as I reached the posterior of the dog, he
} vanished. I took a step back, and there he was again. This continued
} for several hours, and as the incredibly handsome specimin of canine
} before me would vanish every time I attempted my greeting, I found no
} recourse but to pee on him.
}
}  I hope this answers your query into the nature of Dogs.
}
}   You owe The Oracle a fire hydrant and a carton of Milk-Bonz


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