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Internet Oracularities #685

Goto:
685, 685-01, 685-02, 685-03, 685-04, 685-05, 685-06, 685-07, 685-08, 685-09, 685-10


Usenet Oracularities #685    (88 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 22 Oct 1994 19:02:36 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   685
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

685   88 votes bpuh5 ajmhk 4juob 6jwla 6glve 7nxeb 7lslb qKb50 9svf5 Njd61
685   2.8 mean  2.8   3.2   3.2   3.1   3.4   3.0   3.1   1.9   2.8   1.8


685-01    (bpuh5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@tenmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what came first.  The chicken, or the egg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Life Cycle of the Chicken:
}
} Many zoologists wrongly place the chicken in the animal kingdom when
} it, like other birds, is actually a plant.  They start out as bird
} seed that germinates in a loose pile of mulch called a nest.  These
} seeds develop into sprouts known as chickweed which then grow into
} what is called an eggplant.  These plants grow seeds usually refered
} to as eggs though they are called chiclets in some places and used
} to make chewing gum.  In mid-summer, these eggs fall to the ground
} and hatch to produce the mobile form of the species which in turn
} scatter bird seed about.  Please note that this mobile form does
} not lay eggs.  It merely gathers them up and protects them to help
} insure their survival.
}
} You owe the Oracle an omelet.


685-02    (ajmhk dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@hal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Literary Oracle, ye who knoweth all the prose and poetry,
> answer this humble Supplicant's query:
>
> Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A fine portrayal of Shakespeare's tragic heroine Juliet Capulet in
} the late sixties classic film, "Romeo and Juliet."
}
} Of course, there have been other re-workings of this now-classic
} plot, the most notable of which was "West Side Story," a fabulous
} musical dance revue of what could be considered the Bard's most
} enduring work to date.
}
} It is in this vein that Masterpiece Theatre proudly presents to you
} these excerpts from public television's upcoming musical classic,
} "Down Wit Da Montagues," starring Queen Latifah as Juliet Jackson
} Jezebel Justice and Snoop Doggy Dogg as Romy Homeboy.
}
} Romy:
} "Yo!  Wassup?
}  Who dat ho in dat window?
}  Hot to trot, she be da dogg,
}  Make me wanna groove 'til a never wanna stop!"
}
} JJJJ:
} "Hey, Homey, hey, Homey, hey, Homey, ho!
}  Wachooduin peeping in my WIN-do?!?
}  Why the hell you Romy-o,
}  You dissin me boy, I one pissed ho!"
}
} You can see how we've captured the timeless flavor and poignancy of
} Shakespeare's classic work in this musically enchanting version of
} the tale of star-crossed lovers.  You'll be touched by this gentle
} portrayal of two lovers, one in red baggy clothes and one in blue
} baggy clothes, attempting to bridge the rain of bullets between them,
} and lots of other metaphors involving the word 'classic' until we get
} enough money to stay on the air.
}
} For Masterpiece Theatre, this is Alistair Bannister saying goodnight,
} farewell, and "Word."


685-03    (4juob dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Baked Alaska  How do you make it???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has pondered your question and arrived at a suitable
} recipe for your request:
}
} BAKED ALASKA
}
} 1 Frozen piece of Alaska (not thawed)
} 1/2 Sea Bay
} 1 Coral Reef
} 1 Tanker Captain
} 3 quarts Scotch
} 1 single-hull Oil Tanker
} 80 dozen seagulls
} 55 schools of fish (mixed variety, fresh, not frozen)
} 1 herd of Sea Lions
} 1 lit half-smoked Cuban cigar
}
} Take Captain and place him in the bar of the Oil Tanker.  Serve him
} the Scotch and let marinate.  Place entire Tanker in Sea Bay near
} Coral Reef and wait 3 hours.  Tanker should run aground on reef near
} the frozen piece of Alaska.  Wait for contents of tanker to saturate
} seagulls, fish and sea lions.  Have drunk captain throw the lit cigar
} out the port side onto the spill.  Watch flames for 3 weeks.  Cut
} into squares and serve to EPA agents on a silver platter.
}
} You owe the Oracle dibs on the first piece.


685-04    (6jwla dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and wonderful Oracle, who sees order where other see only chaos;
> who can find a needle in a haystack; who can pick off a fly at 100
> yards with one hand tied behind your back; please accept my humble
> suggestions and answer my question:
>
> Since the questions in Usenet Oracularities Digest #666 were based on a
> Luciferian theme, I humbly suggest the following themes for future
> Digests:
>
> Digest #      Subject
> --------      -------
> 700           organized religion
> 711           convenience stores
> 800           toll-free phone calls and Atari home computers
> 911           law enforcement and high performance cars
> 2525          questions about whether Man will still be alive
> 10000         the mentally ill
>
> My question unto to you is this: what other themes have I missed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your contribution. Your suggestions will be considered
} for possible utilization as future Digest Themes. Enclosed is our
} preliminary thematic schedule covering the next century. I believe you
} may find it interesting.
}
} #762   Questions and disturbingly expert answers regarding AK-47
}        Kalashnikov assault rifles.
}
} #1001  Short stories on ancient Arabian themes.
}
} #1024  Questions regarding PGP key lengths. Answers cause problems for
}        99% of readers as they have been signed with the Oracle's
}        incompatible 65536-bit key.
}
} #1984  Brotherly love and concern for the citizens' welfare.
}
} #2001  A number of deep questions are posed, only to be answered by
}        mysterious riddles. Surprisingly, all the Oracularities in the
}        digest receive ratings of over 4.5.
}
} #2010  A total flop. The top-rating question of the digest, "Will I
}        dream?", gets a 2.1. All others receive ratings between 1.1
}        and 1.4.
}
} #2020  Questions include "Fish?", "Is this to test whether I'm a
}        replicant or a lesbian?", "Do you love me? Do you trust me?",
}        "Who am I? Where do I come from? How long have I got?", and the
}        most popular, "Then again, who does?".
}
} #2063  Resubmissions of questions posed in digest #2001 are answered
}        without the riddles and receive slightly-below-average ratings.
}
} #20000 Underwater adventure stories signed by "nemo@anon.penet.fi".
}
} #44100 This digest is posted in 200 uuencoded parts and comprises
}        4.7 megabytes of compressed digital audio data. Hear the
}        Great M. say "Huh... whuzzat ... What you smawk- smook-
}        [unclear] unhhBARF" A must for sample collectors and
}        14-year-old MOD composers.
}
} #65535 Questions regarding a Higher Power's possible imminent
}        arrival.
}
} A bug in the Digestive system will cause digest numbers to wrap around
} after #65535 and start again at 0.
}
} #0     A digest of all Null Questions. Answers start out creative but
}        get tired after #0-05. #0-10 is merely a marginally inspired
}        flame-and-ZOT.
}
} #7     Questions about Samurai.
}
} #12    Questions pertaining to the use of convicts in WWII special ops.
}
} #42    Questions and answers regarding life, the universe, and
}        everything. The only digest ever to receive no votes above 1.
}
} #69    Direct questions and candid answers about certain things you
}        always wanted to know, but never knew just who to ask.
}
} #86,99 Silly answers to stupid questions about secret agents.
}        Five out of ten Oracularities consist of variations of "Which
}        part didn't you get?" "The part after you said, 'Now listen
}        carefully'".
}
} #101   Dalmatians.
}
} #501   The Original questions.


685-05    (6glve dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wisest and powerful Oracle!
>
> Is Elvis really dead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, old Elvis really duped people good with that disappearing act,
} didn't he?  Being omniscienter than the average bear, I have some
} information many of you have only wondered about.  Let me give you a
} brief chronology.
}
} August 16, 1977 - glues Elvis wig and sideburns onto bloated corpse of
} Jimmy Hoffa and leaves him on the commode.  Elvis leaves the building
} incognito, driving an AMC Gremlin.
}
} September 20, 1977 - Elvis hires a private jet to Tahiti, planning to
} hang out with Marlon Brando.  Due to profoundly bad navigation, the
} plane craslands in the Phillipine jungle.  Elvis survives, and spends
} several months living with the natives.  His magnanimous personality,
} and his habit of giving away rhinestones like they were Cadillacs,
} leads to the creation of an Elvis cult among the isolated tribe.
} "Unh-huh-huh" becomes the acolyte's mantra, and the twinkie becomes a
} blessed sacrament.  (See Weekly World News, August 8, 1989).
}
} February 22, 1978 - Just as Elvis is emerging from the rainforest, he
} is taken hostage by a shipful of those funky gray-colored aliens with
} big foreheads  (See National Enquirer, January 31, 1981).
}
} 1978 - 1983 - Elvis participates in captive breeding experiments
} conducted by the aliens using women abducted from throughout the world.
}  Elvis' genetic footprint quickly becomes the largest in the modern
} world (see The Sun, May 14, 1982, and United Nations World Population
} Abstract, 1984.
}
} November 30, 1983 - As the feeding and upkeep costs for Mr. Presley
} become unmanageable, the gray aliens free 'the King' in an Arkansas
} corn field. Elvis stumbles down the road, and quickly gets himself a
} job in a nearby gas station (National Examiner, January 3, 1984).
}
} 1984 - 1989 - Not wanting to be recognized, Elvis finds himself moving
} from town to town throughout the midwest, performing menial jobs and
} heroic acts (See every tabloid from 1984 to the present).
}
} May 3, 1985 - Elvis saves woman from burning building (see National
} Enquirer, July 9, 1985).
}
} January 8, 1988 - Elvis gives kidney to dying child (see Weekly World
} News, April 23, 1988).
}
} May 25, 836 - Elvis turns Mongol hordes away from the gates of
} Constantinople (see The Ottoman Empire: Beyond Footstools, HBJ, 1976).
}
} January 14, 1990 - Elvis starts a new job at the Berklee School of
} Music teaching a class in 'Schlock Film Soundtracking'.
}
} February 3, 1990 - Elvis discovers the school's computer facilities,
} starts surfing the internet.
}
} February 7, 1990 - Elvis submits the following query to the Usenet
} Oracle:
}
} >Date: February 7, 1990
} >From: "The Once and Future King" (epresley@lisamarie.berklee.edu)
} >Subject: tellme
} >How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
}
} Is Elvis still alive?  You don't think I would let him live, do you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a teddy bear.


685-06    (7nxeb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@tenmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> Why does the Pope oppose the use of Birth Control?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is, of course, a misconception.  The pope does not oppose all
} forms of birth control, just some of them.  Below is a list of birth
} control methods which have been fully sanctioned by the Catholic
} church.
}
} Abstinence: The theory here is that by not getting rip-snorting drunk,
} women are less likely to get themselves knocked up.
}
} Prophylaxatives: a device worn on the penis which almost immediately
} causes intense diarrhea in both sexual partners.
}
} The Pill: named after the antiquated term for a very dull person (as in
} "Don't be such a pill, Beaver").  Whenever a woman believes she may be
} ovulating, she should invite over an annoying houseguest who just won't
} leave.
}
} The I.U.D.: stands for Intensely Ugly Dude.  Self-explanatory.
}
} The Sponge: the key to this method of birth control is remembering the
} seven words "Only after you're done with the dishes."
}
} Annulment: The term abortion doesn't apply if you remember to purchase
} an indulgence first.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shredded picture of Sinead O'Connor.


685-07    (7lslb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      dear oracle,
>
>        why do little kids like jello so much?  besides the fact that
> it's wiggly and jiggly and comes in fun fruit flavors?
>
>                               z

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quick!  Did you see any suspicious characters following you?  Are you
} *sure*?  What about that black van behind you - no, don't look!  Aw,
} jeez, you looked!  (*ZOT*)  Better safe than sorry.  Now GET THE HELL
} INSIDE WHERE THEY CAN'T GET A CLEAR SHOT AT YOU!
}
} [The Oracle drags the supplicant into the Indiana U. computer science
} building.]
}
} This should be a safe enough place.  Okay.  I didn't want to share
} this with you, but now that you've started probing, I have no choice
} but to let you in on the secret.
}
} Jello is a mind control drug.  Hey!  Don't you roll your eyes at me!
} Why do you think kids are always clamoring for it, despite the fact
} that it tastes like flavored cardboard and has the consistency of
} cold dog puke?  It's addictive!  It's insidious!  They're going to
} take over the world if I - no, if WE - don't stop them!
}
} [From outside the CS building comes the sound of helicopter rotors.]
}
} Oh no.  They've found us.  Quick, put on this disguise!
}
} [The Oracle and the supplicant both whip on lab coats and false
} noses.  The door is shot down in a burst of small-arms fire and fifty
} identical-looking soldiers - all of them Bill Cosby on way too many
} steroids and armed to the teeth, wearing bright lime green overalls
} with the General Foods logo stitched over the right breast pocket -
} charge in.  The head Cosby snarls, "Where's the spy?"]
}
} Ja?  Ist you lookint fur somvun?  Ist no vunk hair but us forink
} exchange studense ....
}
} [Will Oracle and Supplicant get out of this mess?  Will they
} thwart the Jello Conspiracy?  Who the hell *is* the guy that replaced
} Bill Cosby in those Jello ads anyway?  Find out in our next thrilling
} episode of "Dessert: Impossible".]
}
} This Oracularity will self-destruct in three seconds.


685-08    (qKb50 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Oracle whose all-powerful tummy-tum encircles the very
>      multiverse itself:
>
>      I'm in the mood for a french-fried frog burger on a bright green
>      bun. Know where I might be able to find some?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, my little hungry chum, the Oracle is a gormet of the greatest
} proportions. I have dined on the multiverse's greatest delicacies,
} including deep fried doner kebabs from Ali-baba's Kebab Emporium,
} Queen's Park, London UK....offering 24 hour delivery at an attractive
} price....just phone (44) 71 892 8743 and ask for Ali. But unfortunately
} Ali doesn't make the frog burger. I suggest you try Wong Kei's, just
} off Leicester Square, the last time the Oracle was there I had
} something that tasted distinctly frogesque. The menu is all in an
} obscure dialect of mandarin Chinese so GOD alone knows what it is
} you're eating. The bright green bun bit is a little trickier. Try
} asking for slice of Chinese lava bread and see what comes. If it's not
} green enough then perhaps you could take along a tin of lime green
} Dulux emulsion paint and a large capacity decorating brush......Best of
} luck!
}
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE A HAND KNITTED LAMBING FROCK AND A COPY OF THE GOOD
} KEBAB GUIDE.


685-09    (9svf5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm a TA for a calculus course, and the lecturer is a pedantic idiot
> who is driving me insane. What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To better be able to deal with someone who is a full professor
} in mathematics, you need to take a few steps to insure that you
} operate on their level.  Here are a few steps you can take to
} fully insure that you understand where they are coming from:
}
} 1) LET ALGEBRA SKILLS DETERIORATE: This is a little difficult
} to do since these skills are so basic.  Find a long algebra
} problem and liberally change some minus signs to plus signs,
} then try to work through the problem and still get the same
} answer.  With some luck, you'll find a new method of algebra
} which can be used when you know the problem and the answer
} (from the back of the book) and need to get there without
} really thinking about it.  Try changing the variables to smiley
} faces every once in a while.
}
} 2) CHAOS THEORY: Make sure you have a good working definition
} of chaos theory at any given time.  Something flashy that you
} can use at cocktail parties.  Then find something that has
} nothing to do with math and tell people that you're working on
} a theory to explain it.
}
} 3) DISSERTATION: Try explaining your dissertation to a graduate
} student in the English department.  If they have the vaguest
} sense of what you're talking about, change it.
}
} 4) PROOFS: Come up with a new proof that shows that .9
} repeating does in fact equal 1.  Try to do something original
} this time.
}
} 5) UNSOLVED PROBLEMS: Try solving an unsolved problem.  Or
} better yet, come up with a proof for the existance of God.
}
} These are just a few of the things you can try, and with a
} little luck, you'll be just like your professor!  You will show
} each other the cool little functions on your graphing
} calculator and trade fractal jokes!  And if all else fails,
} take a pen and write at the end of his lecture notes: "And this
} proves Fermat's theorem."
}
} You owe the Oracle the derivative of a woodchuck.


685-10    (Njd61 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, it happened again -- I'm getting verklempt!
> Talk amongst yourselves, I'll give you a topic:
> The Usenet Oracle is neither a Usenet Or A Cle.
> Discuss!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ohh, go drink some seltza, and listen to a lttlee barbra, shes so
} goegeous, like the milstein's down the street, they're like butta!!


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