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Internet Oracularities #686

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686, 686-01, 686-02, 686-03, 686-04, 686-05, 686-06, 686-07, 686-08, 686-09, 686-10


Usenet Oracularities #686    (84 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 26 Oct 1994 09:44:35 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   686
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

686   84 votes 9gkpe iup65 3mvl7 9grn9 5gtoa 8mhji kmpe3 bjza9 cmBb2 7lwj5
686   2.9 mean  3.2   2.4   3.1   3.1   3.2   3.2   2.5   2.8   2.6   2.9


686-01    (9gkpe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (sound of chainsaw starting) NOOO!  AIIEEEE!  (wet ripping noise)
> AUUUGH AIIIE AAAAAAAAAWWGGHHHHHHRRRHHHHH (wet smack) THE PAIN!  AAAA--
> (more grinding, with a layered sound of dogs being castrated)
> AAAAHHIUAAAGHHAAAAAA (insert thumpin beat with a treble overtone) (six
> shots are fired) (splatter of organs on newspaper) (gurgling) (splatter
> of eyeballs) (surge of the Philharmonic Orchestra) "A NEW WORLD ORDER"
> (chainsaw roars in time with some unrecognizable tune) (sound of the
> coconut hitting Skipper's head) (schluck) PINGGGGG (sixty seven
> orgasms) (light piano.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is glad you had such an enjoyable weekend, Dr. Lecter.  If
} you're though cleaning up, the Oracle has the names and addresses of
} a few more supplicants who dared to ask about woodchucks.


686-02    (iup65 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does Sam Raimi mean my fake shemps???
> If you have'nt watched Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 or Army of Darkness then
> you should.  If you have then you must have wondered.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's like this.  Sam Raimi is the founder of an obscure
} religious group (some might say "cult") called the Stoogians.
} The Stoogians have dedicated their lives to the worship of old
} "Three Stooges" movies.  The connection, as you may know, is
} that Shemp was one of the Stooges.  Shemp replaced Moe, and
} thus is technically the "fourth Stooge".  Much Stoogian
} literature deals with this replacement.
}
} Anyway, Sam Raimi is the author of the Stoogian's primary holy
} book, the Stoogicon.  One of the primary tenets of Stoogianism
} is the belief that the Stooges will return, in a second coming
} of sorts, at the end of the world, the Stoogalypse.  In the
} Stoogicon, Raimi tells of this time, and warns his followers of
} "False Shemps" who will appear, and atempt to lead the true
} believers astray.  He warns the Stoogians to avoid these fake
} Shemps, to seek out the One True Larry, the Holy Curly, and The
} Original Moe.
}
} You owe the Oracle a full set of colorized Three Stooges movies
} on video (VHS preferred), including "Evil Dead Stooges," "Evil
} Dead Stooges 2," and "Stooges of Darkness."  And a CD which
} contains "The Curly Shuffle".


686-03    (3mvl7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From: Chuck Arthur
> Why do I have so many orphan socks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is a simple one.  Socks are known to be cannabilistic by
} nature, and few people realize the need to feed their socks.  As a
} result, the socks, sitting beside each other in the dark drawer, are
} forced to eat each other...Of course, an entire pair of socks is never
} completely eaten because one of the two, upon demonstrating his/her
} formidable power by eating his/her partner, is never attacked by the
} other socks, because they fear for their own lives.
}
} Stop the cycle!  Feed your socks today!  They like spam...


686-04    (9grn9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, another blank one. Best zot it then... ...no. Hang on. There's
} something there. Hard to see, but...
}
} Ok, now just convert the white text to black so I can read it
} properly... Hey, that's not a question. It appears to be an old file
} which has somehow become attached to the null question text field...
}
} Let's have a read, shall we?
}
} -------------------------attached text--------------------------------
}
}                          Curikulum Viti
}
} Name:           Alister Supplicant.
} Date of birth:  15/4/68
} Age:            35
} Status:         Single
}
} Adress:         24 New Street,
}                 Wolfenden,
}                 Arkansis.
}
} Educasion:
}
} 1972-1980  Wolfenden School for Yung Ofenders
}            Milk Monitor, Swimming badge class 2.
}
} 1981-1983  Wolfenden Detention Centre.
}            English (D)
}            Maths   (E)
}            Riting  (C)
}            Demanding Money with Menaces (B)
}            Safe Blagging (C)
}            Certifikate of Adult Literesy
}
} 1984       Wolfenden Prison
}            Grand Theft Auto (C)
}            Deception (B)
}
} Hyer Education:
}
} 1984       Wolfenden Prison
}            Jail Breaking (A)
}            Rioting (D)
}            Escaping (did not complete exam)
}
} 1985       Wolfenden Prison
}            Escaping (resit - A)
}
} Employment History:
}
} 1985-1987  No fixed employment
}
}            In this job i had to find various ways of supporting miself
}            whilst evadin capture by the authorities. Soon I had enough
}            muney to get a nose job from Doc Smith and a new identity.
}
} 1987-1988  Harry's Bar
}
}            Here I was reponsibl for keeping the purple gang and others
}            out of Harry's Bar. I got to wear a suit and evrything. Then
}            Harry left me the safe keys, so I quit.
}
} 1988-1990  Security Consultant
}
}            In this job I was responsibull for checking the security of
}            various buildings, vehicles, etc. I found lots of things
}            were not as secure as they shud hav bin, too. Peepl kept
}            leaving cars unlocked, didn't close windows properly, stuff
}            like that.
}
} 1991-1993  Librarian
}
}            Here I was responsibl for keeping the library clene and
}            makin people return their books when they wur supposed to.
}            Specially the ones what were inside for theft. And I got to
}            look after the pervy books, too, so it wasn't a bad three
}            years (with good behaviour)
}
} 1994-date  Unix Consultant
}
}            In this job all i hav to do is keep saying words like vi and
}            subsystem. Its' great, this one. Money for old rope, I ask
}            you guv. Oh, and I have to say "hardware problem" so that
}            someone comes to fix it wen its bust. There's loads of books
}            which have words in. Whenever someone starts asking awkward
}            questions I just have to read a few more words to say.
}
} Position applied for:
}
} I want at least 50K plus executive car and other benfits, 'cos thats
} wot they ar payin me heer. And I want to come and go as I pleas rather
} than do the hours, cos my woman keeps on about it.
}
} --------------------------end of attachment---------------------------


686-05    (5gtoa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh glorious Oracle, please open the doors of wisdom for this humble
> supplicant.
>
> How many martians does it take to change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It takes considerably more Martians to change a lightbulb than it does
} humans.  Not because the Martians are less capable, but because Mars
} recieves less intense sunlight than the Earth, the lightbulbs are much
} larger, thus requiring many Martians to even lift, let alone turn, one.
}
} You may not be aware of it, Supplicant, but this is the real reason
} that the Martians have been trying to take over the Earth for so long.
} They're tired of living in a dim world and they envy Earth's
} brightness.  People in the United States were acutely aware of this in
} the 1950s, when talk of Martian invasion was rampant.  Even Senator
} Joseph McCarthy was aware of the impending danger when he spoke about
} the "Red (Planet) Menace".  Lately, however, Terran society has largely
} ignored Mars, which is putting them in grave danger even now.  There is
} evidence of renewed Martian activity, most notably the disappearance of
} the Mars Observer probe, and the collision of comet Shoemaker-Levy 9
} with the planet Jupiter--the Oracle's sources say that the comet was
} actually supposed to strike the Earth, but hit Jupiter due to errors in
} the Martians' calculations.
}
} Top-level U.S. government plans to send large quantities of light bulbs
} to Mars have failed to come up with a reasonable solution.  Likewise,
} ideas about assembling an Earth-orbital, solar-powered sunlamp  aimed
} at Mars have not been entirely successful.  There has been some talk
} about moving the Hubble Space Telescope to a position where its lens
} could magnify the sun and heat up Mars, but there are enough problems
} with the HST as it is.
}
} One radical faction here on Earth suggests discharging all Earth-based
} nuclear devices, which would make the Earth incandescent and thereby
} give Mars more light.  Fortunately for the people of the Earth, they
} don't have access to anything useful.
}
} So, dear Supplicant, consider this:  ask not how many Martians it takes
} to change a lightbulb, but how many lightbulbs will it take to change
} the Martians?
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of shades and some sunscreen.


686-06    (8mhji dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who builds excitement,
>
> I saw this commercial about Ram trucks that were built tough, so I
> went out and bought one.
>
> On the way home, a Honda Civic took more than half a second to get
> going after the light turned green -- so I rammed it!
>
> It was fun. I stove in the whole rear of the little sucker, and
> there was pieces of taillight all over the highway. Then I backed up
> and went around, keeping on keeping on, on my way home.
>
> Next block, there was a Sentra that stopped when the light was still
> yellow, and I rammed it. I liked that. Really cool.
>
> Don't wanna bore you with the details, but I sure had a good time
> driving home, and bagged me about a dozen little Jap cars. Then,
> when I parked and got out and got the camera to take a picture of me
> with my nice new ram, I saw that the front was all dented in!
>
> Can you believe it? It's supposed to be a ram truck, and built
> tough, and there it is all messed up after just a little bit of
> ramming!
>
> Do ya think I should sue for false advertising?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Gentle Supplicant,
}
} How your letter took me back to the early days, back when I was
} able to freely roam your world in my chosen physical manifestation,
} which happened to be as a magnificent ram. Oh, the rippling muscles,
} the massive stature, the sheer joy of having those menacing horns
} adorning my all-powerful head. How all creatures used to tremble at
} my sight!  How I used to roam far and wide, unhampered by anything,
} unchallenged by anyone. All males cowered before me! All females
} threw themselves at my feet! I was the king of all I surveyed!
}
} And then - one day as I was surveying my kingdom, I noticed a
} disturbance far to the east. I rushed to check it out, and saw to
} my horror a great, massive green creature rising from a volcano.
} At first it looked like it was made out of papier-mache and cheap
} latex, but before I could get close enough to tell, the creature
} leaped at me and shot fire from its mouth. It was grappling with me!
} This silly creature was trying to destroy me -- the Great Oracle!
} I could see people running away screaming.  Their mouths were moving,
} but the sounds that came out didn't seem to match. Oh well, I didn't
} have time to ponder on the meaning of this, for I had a more immediate
} problem -- this creature had circled around and taken a bite out
} of my backside! I backed up, turned around, took a mighty run, and
} leaped into its belly, planting my horns square on their target.
} This seemed to deflate the creature a bit, but it came back at me.
} I rammed it again, giving myself an awful headache in the process.
} The creature stumbled. I gathered myself, gave a final mighty leap, and
} bashed the creature full in the chest, knocking it deep into the sea.
}
} Woozy, I decided it was time to return to my original physical form
} and to my home. When I came in, Mrs. Orrie took one look at me and
} screamed. I looked into the mirror and discovered that my posterior
} had been severely distorted. Of course, being omnipotent, I was
} able to restore it to its original beatitude with merely a thought.
} So you see, dear supplicant, you cannot sue - Ram tough has always
} been vulnerable to a Nippon the butt.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of Bondo and three cheap, grainy B-movies.


686-07    (kmpe3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o great and wonderfull oracle please forgive my uter incompetance and
> lack of knowledge.  could you please help me to find information about
> hurricanes, tornnadoes, and other weather hazards over north america.
> i am trying to write a school report on how the national weather
> service works.
>
> i bask in your greatness.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a hard topic. Most weathermen you talk to are blowhards. Also,
} a lot of meteoroligists are full of hot air. Marine bioigists are all
} wet, and the beach experts have sand for brains. Lucky for you you
} discovered the usenet Oracle!
}
} Here's what you can say to your teacher in the report:
}
} ************************************************************************
} Whaether: what makeses the wind to blow an tha sun ta shin.
}
} Uh, lest weke ah filled downe and hit mah haid. It herts. A lot. But
} Ahma still gonna finish this hear riport. Bicuz Ah luuuuuv skool!
}
} Whaether iz rilly rilly cool. Expesially in the north. In tha South its
} hot.
}
} Pleeze giv me a A.
}
} thanks,
} Melvin
}
} PS: herez $20 fer bein suh a gud teecher.
}
} That should do the trick.
}
} -O


686-08    (bjza9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
>
> What is the capitol of Haiti?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, this is Dan Rather coming to you from Port-au-Prince, the
} capitol of Haiti.  Things have settled down quite a bit here since the
} U.S. occupation, so today we'll take some time out to investigate a
} burning question: _how_ _many_ _licks_ does it take, to to get to the
} center of a tootsie pop?  Connie Chung is here to help us find the
} answer.  Connie, are you ready?  Okay, here we go.
}
} Connie is very good at this.  Many times I have invited younger, less
} experienced reporters to have a go at it, and invariably they will bite
} down on it.  Connie is... a true professional.
}
} Her experience shows in her technique as well.  She licks all around
} the tootsie pop, but gives special attention to the place where the
} candy is thinnest.  This will shorten the overall experience somewhat,
} but makes the ending that much more pleasant.
}
} Well, it looks like she's done it.  How many licks, Connie?
}
} "Two hundred and thirty-four, Dan -- and it was worth every lick to get
} to that delicious chewy center."
}
} There you have it, from Port-au-Prince.  This is Dan Rather.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those huge jumbo-sized tootsie rolls.


686-09    (cmBb2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      If you crossed the international date line on your birthday,
>      would you still get presents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you still get presents. Especially if you're really polite to the
} hijackers. It's Christmas presents you don't get if you cross the date
} line on December 25th.
}
} Scene: High in the atmosphere above the Pacific, late at night. Muaroa
} Atoll glows peacefully down below. An Air New Zealand 747 swhooshes by.
} Looking out of one of the windows is one particularly pasty white but
} expectant looking, if a bit vacant, face.
}
} [a pause of a few seconds, the sound of sleigh bells fades in]
}
} Santa: "On Prancer! On Dancer! On Ruldolf! In a few minutes they'll be
} in Boxing day. Giddy Up! GO GO GO!!!!! YES!!!! WE'RE CATCHING!!! YES!!!
} YES!! ALMOST THERE !!!! NO, YOU'RE SLOWING DOWN!!! ON! ON! ON!
} ARRRGHHH!!! OH NO"
}
} [the airplane disappears into the distance]
}
} Santa: "Hell, those bloody planes get faster every year. Seems all
} those steroids didn't do much good. Oh well, time to head for home."
}
} [Santa and his rather pumped and muscular reindeer turn right for the
}  North Pole, throwing out presents as they leave. Migosh Supplicant!
}  You were going to get a PowerPC, a modem, and 50 free hours on AOL!
}  Now it's whale food]
}
} You owe The Oracle a stack of witty answers to "Where's some plankton?"


686-10    (7lwj5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will there be Baseball soon in North America?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Humble Supplicant, this is your lucky day!  Not only will there
} be baseball once again in North America, indeed there already is!
}
} Now, before I continue, I must warn you that the following
} instructions may only be followed under advice and supervision of a
} doctor.  I have to worry about liabilities here...
}
} First, open your eyes.  Look off into the distance; that big
} rectangular object with moving pictures and flashing lights, where
} once there was baseball, that you have sat in front of immobile since
} early April, that's called a television.  Observe the location of the
} television, and get a good fix on it relative to the soft pliable
} thing in which your posterior is firmly planted (called a couch for
} future reference), in case you become disoriented later in the
} exercise and wish to begin again.
}
} Carefully now, not too fast, you don't want to pull a muscle, stand
} up.  Slowly and cautiously, make your way to the television set.  Now,
} slowly turn around 360 degrees, just to get a good overview of your
} surroundings.  This is called a living room.  You're well on your way
} to finding Baseball now!
}
} Over there, the bright spot on the edge of the Living Room, that's
} called a window.  If you're feeling up to it, make your way over to
} the Window.  BE CAREFUL!  You don't want to pull away the cumbersome
} fabric that blocks the window (known as a Drape) too quickly.  If you
} do, you may become momentarily blinded.  Should this happen, return to
} the couch and repeat the previous steps with more caution and care.
} Now slowly pull away the blind, just an inch at a time, and as your
} eyes adjust to the light, look out the window.  That's called the
} yard.
}
} There!  You've found it!  Out through the window, in the yard, there
} is the baseball!  Lots of kids, America's Youth, playing America's
} Passtime, Baseball.  And having lots of fun at it, too--- what?
} There's no-one there?  <flip, flip, flip> oh, umm, it says here in the
} Book of Oracularities that the kids of today are all playing Nintendo.
} Well, remember the Television?  There should be a baseball cartridge
} for the Nintendo in the box beside it.  Hit one out of the park for
} me, will you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a recipe for couch potato au-grautin.


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