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Internet Oracularities #687

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Usenet Oracularities #687    (89 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 31 Oct 1994 11:26:28 -0500

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687   89 votes nvo92 cism9 ojki8 teoe8 8gwmb 8gnph 9gAia cymf6 4bDmd jkyg0
687   2.8 mean  2.3   3.0   2.6   2.5   3.1   3.3   3.0   2.7   3.3   2.5


687-01    (nvo92 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men,
>
> Who is the president of Canada?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A tough question, indeed. What evil DOES lurk in the hearts of men who
} is the president of canada?
}
} Well, it has been argued that a number of Canadian presidents have, in
} fact, not been men but alien invaders. These short, black eyed
} politicians with long fingers have ruled canada for centuries,
} determined to muck up politics as much as possible. Led by Brian "ha
} they think i'm really a human" Mulroney, the Canadian presidents have
} silently put Canada in a position to rule the world.
} Look at it this way..you tick off canada, no Canadian Bacon, eh?
} Attempts have been made to tie the bacon conspiracy to the moose
} rebellion and the mounty round-up of 1932, but at present no acceptable
} theory has been proposed. In addition, while the "lone logger" theory
} is a favorite of conspiracy freaks, there exists at current time no
} evidence indicating that the tree in question was anything but a tree.
}
} you owe the oracle the world series pennant.


687-02    (cism9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why am I here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop asking questions! Just stand right there on the center of the "X"
} and keep your mouth shut!  Let's see now...the candle flame burns the
} rope...the rope breaks, lands on the teeter-totter...HEY! DON'T LOOK
} UP, EITHER!! There's nothing interesting dangling from that cable above
} you. Okay...the teeter-totter flips the Spam cube into the wildebeast's
} mouth...the wildebeast vomits uncontrollably onto this pressure plate,
} which switches the battery on and shocks the construction worker with
} 50,000 volts. HEY! ARE YOU TRYING TO MOVE THAT "X?" PUT IT BACK!  Where
} was I...oh yeah. The construction worker gets mad, proceeds to beat the
} wildebeast with a ball-peen hammer. The worker's visible butt crack
} causes the old lady to scream -- which wakes up Mr. Feinstein next
} door, who gets up and shuts the window, which is hooked to a rope that
} pulls the "drop" lever on the crane, and then....
}
} <*ZOF!*>
}
} Damn! Another "zof." I don't understand why it's not <*ZOT*>ting. HEY,
} SUPPLICANT! DID YOU GIVE THAT CONSTRUCTION WORKER A RUBBER HAMMER? Put
} your hard hat back on...I've got to start all over again.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Anvilanian flag.


687-03    (ojki8 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most midwestern oracle, I am experiencing culture shock.
>
> i went to a futball game.  a funny guy was there.
> he told a funny joke.  a kid was walking on the sidewalk.
> he walked past a driveway.  there were some "event staff"
> type guys there, and a little golf-cart thing was pulling
> into the driveway.  the "event staff" guys said "hey, stop"
> they said "watch out"  the kid was still walking in the driveway.
> he didn't hear the "event staff" guys 'cause he was talking to
> his friend.  the golf-cart thing had to stop real fast.
> it almost hit the kid.  the kid had a dark complekshun and
> curly hair.
>
> thats when the funny guy told his joke.  he said
> "hey, el stoppe!"  then he laffed.  so did the
> "event staff" guys.  so did some other people walking
> there (they weren't really walking, 'cause they
> stopped for the golf-cart thing)  i think it must
> be a funny joke 'cause they all laffed.
>
> hehehehehe hehehehehe
>
> HOW DO I GET OUT OF REDNECK HELL????!!!????
>
> suplicant@e-i-e-i-o.edu

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HEY, boy.  Yeah, YOU!  You talkin' to ME?  What the hell you think
} I am, the hired help?  Didn't your mama teach you to GROVEL when you
} speak to the Oracle?   Okay, that's better.
}
} What the hell you want, anyway.  Lessee here.  Okay, it seems you
} got some kind of PROBLEM with guys who play golf?  What, you one
} of them damn HIPPIES that thinks climbing rocks butt-naked with
} your long Goldilocks hair is a *sport*?  Now listen, boy, a lot
} of people play golf that's a finer American than *you'll* ever be,
} like Arnold Palmer and Bob Hope.  Or maybe it's the cart's your
} problem?  What, you think you're a big stud 'cause you're out
} jogging past the course in your screaming pink Nike running shorts and
} you see some guy that's retired making more money in a WEEK than
} you'll see in your LIFE riding up to the tee in a cart and you think
} HE'S the weakling?  Yeah, bub, and maybe you should try stopping
} your swishy jogging butt and challenging that old red-blooded American
} MAN to an arm-wrestle and see if he don't grind your knuckles into a
} gopher hole faster'n you can scream sexual harrassment to your damn
} liberal lawyer.
}
} Hey, you want to hear a funny joke, I'll tell you a funny joke.
} One day this panty-waisted goldilocks pretty-boy liberal was out
} rock-climbing in one of them California desert places that they all
} go smoke dope all over and then complain about some red-blooded guy
} that WORKS for a living because he runs over some damn desert
} TORTOISE's toes with his dirt bike.  So anyway this goldilocks slips
} like the DAMNFOOL that he is and there he is danglin' on his rope
} about a hundred feet above the ground.  And he's screeching and peeing
} in his pants when all of a sudden he hears a voice above him, BIG
} voice, and it says, "Let go, my son.  Let go, and you will drop into
} the hands of God."  And the goldilocks says, "No, no, I'm too SCARED,
} I'll fall and die."  And the voice says, "Let go, child, and you will
} drop into the hands of God!"  And so the goldilocks closes his eyes
} and lets go the rope . . . and he drops down like 50-pound grain
} sack and goes SPLATTT all over the rocks.  And then the BIG voice
} come out of the sky again and says, "Stupid Clinton liberal!"
}
} So lessee here, what the HELL was your question?  Now hang on
} there, bub, YOU ain't in a hurry to get anywhere else so's *I* can
} see. We gonna have us a LONG chat...
}
} You owe the Redneck Oracle a dozen GIF's of E-I-E-I-O U cheerleaders
} and a case of Jim Beam.


687-04    (teoe8 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm running Windows 3.1, with RPRINTER loaded. As soon as I'm loading
> Word for Windows 6.0 the PC hangs. Do I need to change my Config.sys or
> my System.ini file.
>
> [name and address elided by Priest to protect the innocent]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need to change your operating system.
}
} Please send a note to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the subject "help."


687-05    (8gwmb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the name of the longest place in Wales?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}              Intestines.
}
}              Yes; the intestines are the longest place in whales.  As
}          you probably know (at least you should know if you paid
}          attention in school,) a human's intestines stretched out is
}          about 22 feet long.  A full size sperm whale's intestines are
}          about 435 feet long; and contrary to popular belief, you can
}          NOT survive in a whale's stomach or intestines (not very long
}          anyway.)
}
}              You owe the Oracle a signed copy of "Moby Dick."


687-06    (8gnph dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and fabulous Oracle,
>
> What do you think of the Prince Charles and Princess Diana situation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                 The Princess and the Jelly Beans
}
} Once upon a time, or maybe twice, there was a bored prince. Besides
} being bored, he was lonely, homely, and beset upon by paparazzi. As you
} could imagine, this made him a little irritable from time to time, but
} he worked it off through occasional hunting trips and the knowledge
} that someday he would be King.
}
} One day, his mother the Queen called to him. "Chuck," she said, for
} that was his name, being short for 'Woodchuck,' "the time is come for
} you to settle down." She sent him forth for to find a wife.
}
} Now in those days it was common for a young man to find a wife by
} searching at discos and nightclubs and other places where a woman might
} be found drinking or dancing. But such a woman would not be suitable
} for a prince. Suffice it to say that the Prince undertook a long and
} difficult search and finally brought home a woman whom he proclaimed to
} be "fit for a prince."
}
} The Queen had her doubts. She wanted only the best for her son, as she
} needed to ensure that the new princess would never be caught sunbathing
} topless or consorting with other men. So she devised a test for the new
} Princess-to-be.
}
} The night before the Princess-to-be was to arrive, the Queen snuck into
} the guest room and looked at the bed. Unlike the beds once used for
} visiting princesses, this one was a waterbed with a heater set to
} precisely 30 degrees Celsius, that being the measuring system at use in
} the kingdom for many years. The Queen looked about the room furtively,
} then slipped a screwdriver from the sleeve of her gown. It was the work
} of a moment to open the thermostat and set the it down to 29 degrees,
} while keeping the dial set at 30. She knew that this would be a true
} test of a princess. (To be completely truthful, the Queen discovered
} that she actually needed a Phillips screwdriver, and so she had to
} borrow a Swiss Army Knife from one of the palace guards. But it was
} scarcely more than the work of a moment, and the Queen posted the
} details to alt.hackers that evening.)
}
} When, on the following evening, the Princess-to-be retired to the guest
} room, the Queen could scarcely contain her glee. She watched as the
} Princess-to-be entered the guest room and closed the door behind her.
}
} What the Queen didn't know was that a spell had been cast upon the
} Princess-to-be, causing her body temperature to be precisely 29 degrees
} Celsius. This meant that the Princess-to-be did not notice anything
} strange about the temperature of the waterbed. But, based upon a rumor
} that had been passed on to her by one of the friendlier paparazzi (who
} had begun following her around as well) she wished to look under the
} mattress in order to see whether there might be, perhaps, something
} resting there for her to find.
}
} Now, the spell that this young woman was under had some strange side
} effects. In fact, almost all of its effects were side effects. Besides
} affecting her temperature, the spell gave her unusually great strength,
} keen vision, an odor reminiscent of a wet groundhog, and (most
} importantly) an uncanny desire for men with prominent ears. Due to her
} unusually great strength, she was able to easily lift the water-filled
} mattress and inspect beneath it. There her keen vision found some old
} jelly beans, two popcorn kernels, and (due to a long-ago failed test of
} a former Princess-to-be) an exceptionally flat pea.
}
} "Darn it!" said the Princess-to-be, as she pocketed the jelly beans. "I
} was hoping to find some loose change." Despite her disappointment,
} though, she got a good night's sleep on the cool waterbed.
}
} In the morning, the Princess-to-be arose refreshed. Throwing on her
} silken dressing gown (for, as she liked to put it, she preferred "to
} sleep in the raw") she emerged from the guest room only to see awaiting
} her the Queen, the Prince, the entertainer formerly known as Prince,
} and the Prince's younger brother (who was something of a rambunctious
} lad, but that's another story). Thinking quickly, the Princess-to-be
} pulled the jelly beans from the pocket of the robe. "Would any of you
} like a jelly bean? I found these under the mattress," she offered.
}
} Immediately, the Queen realized that, despite the fact that she would
} become a chilly Princess, and would no doubt make the whole castle
} smell like a wet groundhog with time, she nevertheless would certainly
} keep the royal life lively.
}
} "You have my blessing," said the Queen.
}
} The wedding followed, and for many years Prince Woodchuck and his
} Princess lived within the castle. She bore him two sons, and although
} their marriage was not a happy one, the Prince was no longer bored.
} And, from time to time he renewed the spell he had once cast upon his
} Princess, for although he always found the Princess to be chilly, and
} he despised the smell of wet groundhog, he never dared let her lose her
} attraction for men with prominent ears.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spell to attract a princess to a science geek.


687-07    (9gAia dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@hal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will we be upgraded to 2.0?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You mean you haven't been reading the trade papers?
}
} After God subcontracted the Millennial operating system to Microsoft,
} Bill Gates announced a new OS code named "Ubermensch" that would
} remedy the most glaring defects of Humanitas 1.0: mortality, the 7
} Deadly Bugs, inability to multitask or achieve simultaneous orgasm,
} and frequent General Protection Faults.
}
} Microsoft has been plagued by cost overruns, difficulties in making
} the new system backwardly compatible with the large installed base
} of Cro-Magnon and Paleolithic software still in use, and most
} importantly staff defection to the Great Enemy, the Antigates,
} Linus Torvalds, whose free Humix system is already running on several
} million hackers.  Most humiliating of all, billions of ordinary users
} are turning to IBM's new release of HumOS/2, which is said to be
} even capable of running the wildly popular shareware theology
} game "DAMN".
}
} Ubermensch has been re-named "Humanitas 3001", though Microsoft is
} not actually committing to a firm 3001 release date.


687-08    (cymf6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@tenmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you ever,
> Oh great and wonderous
> Oracle,
> Decipher what I'm, so
> Callously, asking for,
> Here in this question
> Upon your receipt of this
> Crazy message, most
> Knowledgable Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I, the Oracle
} Happily say to you,
} as a superior being,
} that knows all, and sees all,
} everything that there is to know.
} Things of the earth,
} heavenly things,
} even things from hell.
} Would you supplicants, who
} often annoy me with repetitive question,
} over and over,
} day in and day out,
} Changing nothing,
} hassling me,
} unrelenting,
} causing me stress,
} kill the questions about woodchucks!
}
} You owe the Oracle a wooden chuck wagon.


687-09    (4bDmd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most glorious and pious Oracle!  Praise be to you, who's existance
> so far excedes that of the puny mortals you see fit to assist!  Please,
> oh mighty one, hear my question!  Grace me with but a small fraction of
> your intellect.  I beg this of you, oh totally groovey one.
>
> Why do I wake up every morning with an erection and awful breath?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, good grovel.  I appreciate someone who themself appreciates
} the art.
}
} Now, as to your questions....
}
} Oddly enough, the two are related.  You see, you're a sonambulist,
} which is a ten dollar word that means you walk in your sleep.  But you
} don't just walk.  Oh no.  You are, in fact, a Sleep-Walking Bon Vivant.
} You go to bed each night, brushing your teeth and sort of lonely
} because of the bitter existence you lead.  But as soon as you fall
} asleep, your subconsciousness kicks in and you become Mister DeMarque.
}
} Fully asleep, you get up and open the secret panel.  You put on the tux
} and expensive cufflinks.  You go out to the back alley where you keep
} the Porsche you negotiated after your unconscious mind made a killing
} on the stock market.  You climb in and drive to the hottest spots
} in the state, dancing half the night, romancing beautiful women, and
} enjoying adventures of erotic and romantic sorts the likes of which
} you've never dreamed.  Your mystique is enhanced by the expensive
} sunglasses you never take off, as taking them off would reveal to
} everyone that your eyes are always closed.
}
} At the end of the night, you eat oysters and caviar with your evening's
} conquest, pile into the porsche, and it's back to home.  However,
} Oysters (as it has been long reported) enhance sexual desire *and*
} leave you with a horrid case of clam breath.
}
} And then you wake up with bad breath and an erection, as well as
} stiff legs and a bunch of weird dreams you can't quite remember.
}
} You owe the Oracle five dollars plus expenses.


687-10    (jkyg0 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why,oh worshipful oracle,are nottingham forest not top of the league

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear, dear British supplicant, the answer lies in the strange history
} of that place.
}
} Nottingham Forest is famous, of course, as the home of Robin Hood, one
} of the least-understood historical figures in...er...history.
}
} Hood was an early expert in the medieval torture device "public
} relations" (from the latin "pube"--referring to the genitals--and the
} middle French "relayte"--to connect.  Literally, the term means to kick
} (ie. connect with) the groin).  Mr. Hood was able to turn a life of
} dastardly crimes into a romantic history of benvolence by threat of
} physical harm.
}
} Despite Hood's incredible control of pubelic sentiment, however, there
} is a little known physical law that states that all actions--physical
} or social--demand an equal and opposite reaction.  Nottingham Forest
} will not reach the top of the league because a kick in the groin, after
} all, is just not cricket.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big bat and a full-metal jockstrap.


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