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Internet Oracularities #688

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688, 688-01, 688-02, 688-03, 688-04, 688-05, 688-06, 688-07, 688-08, 688-09, 688-10


Usenet Oracularities #688    (88 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 07:44:44 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   688
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

688   88 votes eroi5 97jjy 5cprj 5jsnd flsh7 kpnf5 drpe9 fildl 59qtj jepka
688   3.1 mean  2.7   3.7   3.5   3.2   2.8   2.5   2.8   3.1   3.5   2.9


688-01    (eroi5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most magnificent oracle, whose face outshines the beauty of the
> Sistine Chapel, whose intelligence outshines that of Einstein, Hawking,
> Newton, and my mother all added up, whose hair management skills are
> such that you could even make William Shatner's toupee look good if you
> chose to, whose radio always plays 25 hits in a row, whose internet
> connection never goes down, please take pity on this humble supplicant,
> who never gets mentioned in the Oracularities, who never can get a
> date, and who can't get his mind off Barry Manilow's "Mandy", and
> answer this simple question:
>
> Why are George Orwell's "1984", Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World", and
> other books of that genre labeled "negative utopias"?  I mean, everyone
> seems to gosh darn happy in them, except for the occasional malcontent.
> What's so negative about that??
>
> Thank you for answering this simple query, oh magnificent oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WARNING!
} WARNING!
} Supplicant #Qa27074 is questioning authority!
}
} ----------------------
} BEGIN MESSAGE:
} Supplicant #Qa27074- the Oracle is all wise.  The Oracle is all
} knowing, and all seeing.  The Oracle is magnificent and mighty.
}
} Do not question what the Oracle tells you.
}
} Be content.
}
} The Oracle is watching.
}
} END MESSAGE.
} ----------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle autographs of John Lennon and Groucho Marx.


688-02    (97jjy dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and omnipotent Oracle,
>
> Is man the master of his own destiny, or is there a master plan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course there's a plan! The kids are following it pretty well, too.
} I've got a wonderful class. Here's a copy of the instructions:
}
} READ THROUGH THESE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY BEFORE PROCEEDING.
} ALWAYS OBSERVE SAFETY PRECAUTIONS! USE A LAB COAT AND GOGGLES!
}
} BEFORE THE EXPERIMENT: Prepare a planet with a stable ecosystem and
} near-surface hydrocarbons and fissionables. This will the the substrate
} for the experiment.
}
} EXPERIMENT 1 (Effect of Environment on Individuals): Place a small
} quantity of monkeys (Grade H or I) on the substrate. Observe their
} reaction. How long do the monkeys survive? Try placing them at
} different distances from the equator. Place some in an ocean. Put a few
} on the pole. Which region is optimal? Does your finding agree with the
} data book value for Standard monkeys? Can you explain the difference,
} if any?
}
} EXPERIMENT 2 (Effect of Environment on Species): Place a small
} quantity of monkeys in a forest near the equator. What happens? (If
} nothing happens for a long time, add some Non-tree-climbing Carnivores
} as a catalyst.) Plot the average length of the monkeys' tails as a
} function of time. What can be observed? What causes the lengthening?
}
} EXPERIMENT 3 (Effect of Environment on Species): Put some monkeys on a
} savannah. In a short while, you should be able to see a change in the
} monkeys. Compare the hind and front legs of a changed monkey. Can the
} hind feet still grasp objects? What happens to the tail? What does the
} monkey do with its front legs now that they are not used for walking?
} Save some of these changed monkeys for the next experiment.
}
} EXPERIMENT 4 (Emergence of Sentience): NOTE: IF THE MONKEYS DEVELOP
} "SPEECH", DISPLAY SIGNS OF "INTELLIGENCE", OR START SMOKING, PLACE THE
} EXPERIMENT IN AN ICE BATH TO SLOW THE REACTION. Continue to observe the
} bipedal monkeys you synthesized in the previous experiment. ZOT trees
} near monkey colonies. Do the monkeys start using fire? ZOT some
} mammoths. Did you induce primitive mysticism? Can you get the monkeys
} to worship you? (Hint: If they have developed speech, try picking one
} as a "prophet" and ZOT a few "unbelievers".)
}
} EXPERIMENT 5 (Effect of Species on Environment): Continue to observe
} the talking monkeys. You should see more complex tool use and the
} emergence of technology. Are the monkeys using the near-surface
} hydrocarbons you provided? How long will they last? What do you suppose
} the monkeys will do when they are running out? Can you observe any
} nuclear explosions? Do monkeys get killed by them? Are they accidental?
}
} After the experiment, dispose of the planet. Note that it may be
} radioactive. Wash the solar system and wipe the desk.
}
} VIDEO DEMONSTRATION (Effect of Individuals on Environment): After
} watching the video, describe the mechanism that causes a huge number of
} monkeys to follow a single leader, and speculate on their reasoning
} behind giving one single monkey the authority to launch thermonuclear
} devices to devastate their home planet.


688-03    (5cprj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@tenmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh most magnificent oracle, who's field goal accuracy surpasses
> that of lots and lots of NFL kickers:
>
> Why does Lucy always pull the damn ball away from Charlie Brown??
>
> Humbly Submitted,
> A Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     She is angry that, while so many in the NFL are making millions
} of dollars, she works for peanuts.


688-04    (5jsnd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Question I, Part I
>
>     Can you love more than one person at a time?
>
>                 Part II
>
>     Is love "subtractive?"
>
>     Question II
>
>     Aside from the insecurity issue... Why do spouses get upset when
>     they feel someone (other than themselves) may be cared about by
>     their spouse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow, no grovelling and a question set up as an essay test, as though I
} were in class.  Am I supposed to show my work?  Provide the proofs?
} Harumph....
}
} But I can answer your question(s), and I shall.
}
} 1.1
}
} Yes, you can love more than one person at a time, but it requires
} either ingenuity or special attachments.  Check your local True Value
} hardware store.
}
} 1.2
}
} Love is not subtractive, but it is divisible and it must be expressed
} as an integer.  Love is actually a Prime number, divisable only by
} itself and one.  So, you have to determine what your specific number
} is.  You can always love one person -- any integer divided by one is
} itself (and also an integer) and therefore admittable.  It's the other
} number that can get sticky.
}
} The first three prime numbers are two, three and five (one is actually
} a prime, but not germane to the discussion).  If your personal love
} number is two, you can love two people fully and completely, without
} emotional distress or back pains.  But if you try to love three, the
} result is 0.66666667 -- not only *not* an integer but a repeating
} fraction.  The result is sleepless nights, forgotten anniverseries, and
} your spouse coming at you with an ice pick in the middle of the night.
}
} If your number is three, you can love one person at once or three
} people. No in between.  If you fall in love with a second person after
} your spouse, you'd better start trolling singles bars before you
} degenerate into insanity.
}
} Five is the same but worse.  It's hard to find that many open minded
} spice (the plural of spouse is spice).
}
} Just to give you some idea of the problems inherent with the system,
} twenty-three is a prime number.  Crappy, huh?
}
} 2.1
}
} A spouse gets upset when you start to care for someone else for two
} reasons.  On is insecurity, but you indicate that you know that.  The
} other is scheduling conflicts.
}
} You see, if your spouse has a rough day and needs an evening of
} cuddling, it can be rough to come home and discover you're already
} booked with your paramour to go to a movie.  Or your spouse may be
} feeling romantic, only to discover you spent twelve hours in a jacuzzi
} with your paramour, and your libido is currently so small it's
} theoretical.
}
} You owe the Oracle extra credit.


688-05    (flsh7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Wonderful Oracle.
> Oracle whose knowledge spans the entire Universe and then some.
> I am nothing more than a humble supplicant with an equally humble
> request and I would be most honored if you could spare even a small
> fraction of a picosecond to grant me a reply.
>
> Do you have any good beer recipes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I've got a very good one right here.
}
} INGREDIENTS:
}
} One can of your favorite beer (you may substitute a bottle beer
}       if you prefer)
} Ice
} A big mug
}
} INSTRUCTIONS:
}
} 1. Put ice in mug.  Please complete right before you move to
} step two so that ice does not melt.
} 2. Open can.  If the can has been through a lot lately, you may
} want to tap the top of the can to prevent spillage.
} 3. Take sip.  Make sure beer is to your liking.
} 4. Pour beer into mug.  Make sure the foam does not spill over
} the top.
} 5. Give beer to Oracle.
} 6. Watch him drink.  Just try to enjoy the experience
} vicariously.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question which reads "Do you have any good
} Screwdriver recipes?"


688-06    (kpnf5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What question should I ask to get on a Snapple commercial?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ask not what Snapple can do for you;
} But what you can do for Snapple.
}
} You see, Snapple is just one simple cog in a vast machine whose purpose
} it is to turn all of humanity into down-home folksey fruit juice
} sippin' simpletons who will bow to every whim of the Parent Company.
} It is still unclear who the Parent Company is at this stage of the
} game, but it is the intention of T.U.Oracle Inc. to find out, and by
} implementing a series of hostile takeover bids, to rob them of their
} power and regain control of the Universe.  We had hoped that we could
} count on Amway for some support in this but it seems that they are the
} ones who are currently in control of the Universe and they don't plan
} on sharing unless we buy a $120.00 startup kit.
}
} This is what we know so far:
}
}      Snapple, Jello, Motel 6 and Rent-A-Wreck, reporting directly
}      to Walmart, make up the front line of this attack.  It is their
}      job to soften the general populace, making them feel that it is
}      generally a good idea to sit around in a Motel room drinking
}      fruit flavored iced tea while watching brightly colored cubes
}      of geletin jiggle about.  The common mode of transportation of
}      course is a 1970's station wagon that is missing one or more of
}      its fenders and/or doors.  This will draw money away from the
}      main stream of the economy as people lose touch with their basic
}      materialistic instincts and funnel their excess cash up towards
}      the Parent Company.
}
}      Once softened, the victims will be further brainwashed into
}      thinking that all of humanity was created by a giant Chia Pet (The
}      one that looks like a cat - I still don't understand where they
}      are headed with the Chia Tree).
}
}      The people behind all this are the very same ones that are backing
}      Dan Qualye as President.  By this time it will be the general
}      understanding that Dan Quayle was the Love Child of the Chia Cat
}      and the Chia Dog (even though it is quite obvious that a Chia Dog
}      and a Chia Cat would have a different chromozome count, the
}      fruit juice sippin' geletin jigglin' General Public will miss
}      the connection.
}
} To counteract this horriffic chain of events, it is imperative that
} we return to the practice of buying over priced champagnes, cars
} that move way faster than freeway traffic, espresso machines and other
} Icons-O-Excess that have begun to fade since the closing of the "ME"
} decade.
}
} As for your desire to have a question read on a Snapple commercial,
} here's what you do:
}
}      Go to the nearest Walmart.
}
}      Find a "Greeter" (Not hard - they'll find you).
}
}      Tell the greeter that you'd like to make a $10,000 cash
}      contribution to the Dan Quayle For President Campaign.
}
}      The greeter will take the cash and assign you your very own
}      personalised question that will be read on your behalf on the
}      next available Snapple commercial.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Quayle For President sign and one of those big
} foam hats.


688-07    (drpe9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty, and EXTREMLY busy, Oracle - you've been overworking.
> You deserve a break today -
> Enclosed please find three gift certificates for a Big Mac, Fries and
> Shake.
>
> Sincerely, your friend and mine,
>                                               -- Bill Gates

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Bill,
}
} It seems just like yesterday that we were sitting in your garage
} tossing back a few cold ones.  I remember saying, "Hey, Bill, all these
} newfangled computers they're coming up with are gonna need something to
} do." Now you're sitting on top of the biggest cash pile in history and
} I'm sitting in the middle of Indiana dealing with guys who haven't seen
} the sun in years and keep asking me where they can find the nude gifs
} of Marina Sirtis.  And now, you send me ten bucks worth of food.  Hell,
} not even food - I have to go get it myself.  You know what, Bill?  Try
} this on for size:  up yours.
}
} You owe me some ketchup and a nude gif of Patrick Stewart.


688-08    (fildl dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the answer was "Princess Diana, in the closet, with half a pound of
> strawberry jam and a six-pack of Budweiser", what was the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I believe that the only question that would recieve that answer would
} be:
}
} What did you do this weekend?
}
} You owe the Oracle a bar of soap and some tylenol for his headache.


688-09    (59qtj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's find out, shall we:
}
} oracle 717% finger god@heaven.org
} Login name: god                       In real life: JHVH
} Directory: /everywhere                Shell: /usr/local/bin/bash
} On since Jan  1 00:00:00 on console
} Prayers last heard Wed Nov  2 13:07:19 1994
} Project: Man's existence on Earth until Armageddon
} Plan:
} 1) Reign Supreme over creation
} 2) Thwart Lucifer's plans to corrupt man, unless they'll produce better
}    television
} 3) Send weekly scattering of hurricanes, tsunamis, and other of my
}    Acts
} 4) Keep tabs on all falling sparrows
} 5) Talk to Dante about book IV of his "Inferno" trilogy
} 6) Make sure Jesus isn't late for Second Coming (that boy was nearly
}    late for his own resurrection!)
} 7) Smite Pat Robertson a good one
} 8) Expand size of universe to keep astronomers guessing


688-10    (jepka dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty oracle, what is the universe extending into since it is
> extending?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, paltry supplicant, your assumption is false. The universe
} is not extending. It is merely that all things contained in
} the universe have decided that they want to leave.
}
} You owe the Oracle Carl Sagan's head on a platter.


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