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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most magnificent oracle, whose face outshines the beauty of the > Sistine Chapel, whose intelligence outshines that of Einstein, Hawking, > Newton, and my mother all added up, whose hair management skills are > such that you could even make William Shatner's toupee look good if you > chose to, whose radio always plays 25 hits in a row, whose internet > connection never goes down, please take pity on this humble supplicant, > who never gets mentioned in the Oracularities, who never can get a > date, and who can't get his mind off Barry Manilow's "Mandy", and > answer this simple question: > > Why are George Orwell's "1984", Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World", and > other books of that genre labeled "negative utopias"?  I mean, everyone > seems to gosh darn happy in them, except for the occasional malcontent. > What's so negative about that?? > > Thank you for answering this simple query, oh magnificent oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WARNING! } WARNING! } Supplicant #Qa27074 is questioning authority! } } ---------------------- } BEGIN MESSAGE: } Supplicant #Qa27074- the Oracle is all wise.  The Oracle is all } knowing, and all seeing.  The Oracle is magnificent and mighty. } } Do not question what the Oracle tells you. } } Be content. } } The Oracle is watching. } } END MESSAGE. } ---------------------- } } You owe the Oracle autographs of John Lennon and Groucho Marx.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and omnipotent Oracle, > > Is man the master of his own destiny, or is there a master plan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course there's a plan! The kids are following it pretty well, too. } I've got a wonderful class. Here's a copy of the instructions: } } READ THROUGH THESE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY BEFORE PROCEEDING. } ALWAYS OBSERVE SAFETY PRECAUTIONS! USE A LAB COAT AND GOGGLES! } } BEFORE THE EXPERIMENT: Prepare a planet with a stable ecosystem and } near-surface hydrocarbons and fissionables. This will the the substrate } for the experiment. } } EXPERIMENT 1 (Effect of Environment on Individuals): Place a small } quantity of monkeys (Grade H or I) on the substrate. Observe their } reaction. How long do the monkeys survive? Try placing them at } different distances from the equator. Place some in an ocean. Put a few } on the pole. Which region is optimal? Does your finding agree with the } data book value for Standard monkeys? Can you explain the difference, } if any? } } EXPERIMENT 2 (Effect of Environment on Species): Place a small } quantity of monkeys in a forest near the equator. What happens? (If } nothing happens for a long time, add some Non-tree-climbing Carnivores } as a catalyst.) Plot the average length of the monkeys' tails as a } function of time. What can be observed? What causes the lengthening? } } EXPERIMENT 3 (Effect of Environment on Species): Put some monkeys on a } savannah. In a short while, you should be able to see a change in the } monkeys. Compare the hind and front legs of a changed monkey. Can the } hind feet still grasp objects? What happens to the tail? What does the } monkey do with its front legs now that they are not used for walking? } Save some of these changed monkeys for the next experiment. } } EXPERIMENT 4 (Emergence of Sentience): NOTE: IF THE MONKEYS DEVELOP } "SPEECH", DISPLAY SIGNS OF "INTELLIGENCE", OR START SMOKING, PLACE THE } EXPERIMENT IN AN ICE BATH TO SLOW THE REACTION. Continue to observe the } bipedal monkeys you synthesized in the previous experiment. ZOT trees } near monkey colonies. Do the monkeys start using fire? ZOT some } mammoths. Did you induce primitive mysticism? Can you get the monkeys } to worship you? (Hint: If they have developed speech, try picking one } as a "prophet" and ZOT a few "unbelievers".) } } EXPERIMENT 5 (Effect of Species on Environment): Continue to observe } the talking monkeys. You should see more complex tool use and the } emergence of technology. Are the monkeys using the near-surface } hydrocarbons you provided? How long will they last? What do you suppose } the monkeys will do when they are running out? Can you observe any } nuclear explosions? Do monkeys get killed by them? Are they accidental? } } After the experiment, dispose of the planet. Note that it may be } radioactive. Wash the solar system and wipe the desk. } } VIDEO DEMONSTRATION (Effect of Individuals on Environment): After } watching the video, describe the mechanism that causes a huge number of } monkeys to follow a single leader, and speculate on their reasoning } behind giving one single monkey the authority to launch thermonuclear } devices to devastate their home planet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh most magnificent oracle, who's field goal accuracy surpasses > that of lots and lots of NFL kickers: > > Why does Lucy always pull the damn ball away from Charlie Brown?? > > Humbly Submitted, > A Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     She is angry that, while so many in the NFL are making millions } of dollars, she works for peanuts.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Question I, Part I > >     Can you love more than one person at a time? > >                 Part II > >     Is love "subtractive?" > >     Question II > >     Aside from the insecurity issue... Why do spouses get upset when >     they feel someone (other than themselves) may be cared about by >     their spouse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow, no grovelling and a question set up as an essay test, as though I } were in class.  Am I supposed to show my work?  Provide the proofs? } Harumph.... } } But I can answer your question(s), and I shall. } } 1.1 } } Yes, you can love more than one person at a time, but it requires } either ingenuity or special attachments.  Check your local True Value } hardware store. } } 1.2 } } Love is not subtractive, but it is divisible and it must be expressed } as an integer.  Love is actually a Prime number, divisable only by } itself and one.  So, you have to determine what your specific number } is.  You can always love one person -- any integer divided by one is } itself (and also an integer) and therefore admittable.  It's the other } number that can get sticky. } } The first three prime numbers are two, three and five (one is actually } a prime, but not germane to the discussion).  If your personal love } number is two, you can love two people fully and completely, without } emotional distress or back pains.  But if you try to love three, the } result is 0.66666667 -- not only *not* an integer but a repeating } fraction.  The result is sleepless nights, forgotten anniverseries, and } your spouse coming at you with an ice pick in the middle of the night. } } If your number is three, you can love one person at once or three } people. No in between.  If you fall in love with a second person after } your spouse, you'd better start trolling singles bars before you } degenerate into insanity. } } Five is the same but worse.  It's hard to find that many open minded } spice (the plural of spouse is spice). } } Just to give you some idea of the problems inherent with the system, } twenty-three is a prime number.  Crappy, huh? } } 2.1 } } A spouse gets upset when you start to care for someone else for two } reasons.  On is insecurity, but you indicate that you know that.  The } other is scheduling conflicts. } } You see, if your spouse has a rough day and needs an evening of } cuddling, it can be rough to come home and discover you're already } booked with your paramour to go to a movie.  Or your spouse may be } feeling romantic, only to discover you spent twelve hours in a jacuzzi } with your paramour, and your libido is currently so small it's } theoretical. } } You owe the Oracle extra credit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Wonderful Oracle. > Oracle whose knowledge spans the entire Universe and then some. > I am nothing more than a humble supplicant with an equally humble > request and I would be most honored if you could spare even a small > fraction of a picosecond to grant me a reply. > > Do you have any good beer recipes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I've got a very good one right here. } } INGREDIENTS: } } One can of your favorite beer (you may substitute a bottle beer }       if you prefer) } Ice } A big mug } } INSTRUCTIONS: } } 1. Put ice in mug.  Please complete right before you move to } step two so that ice does not melt. } 2. Open can.  If the can has been through a lot lately, you may } want to tap the top of the can to prevent spillage. } 3. Take sip.  Make sure beer is to your liking. } 4. Pour beer into mug.  Make sure the foam does not spill over } the top. } 5. Give beer to Oracle. } 6. Watch him drink.  Just try to enjoy the experience } vicariously. } } You owe the Oracle a question which reads "Do you have any good } Screwdriver recipes?"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What question should I ask to get on a Snapple commercial?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ask not what Snapple can do for you; } But what you can do for Snapple. } } You see, Snapple is just one simple cog in a vast machine whose purpose } it is to turn all of humanity into down-home folksey fruit juice } sippin' simpletons who will bow to every whim of the Parent Company. } It is still unclear who the Parent Company is at this stage of the } game, but it is the intention of T.U.Oracle Inc. to find out, and by } implementing a series of hostile takeover bids, to rob them of their } power and regain control of the Universe.  We had hoped that we could } count on Amway for some support in this but it seems that they are the } ones who are currently in control of the Universe and they don't plan } on sharing unless we buy a $120.00 startup kit. } } This is what we know so far: } }      Snapple, Jello, Motel 6 and Rent-A-Wreck, reporting directly }      to Walmart, make up the front line of this attack.  It is their }      job to soften the general populace, making them feel that it is }      generally a good idea to sit around in a Motel room drinking }      fruit flavored iced tea while watching brightly colored cubes }      of geletin jiggle about.  The common mode of transportation of }      course is a 1970's station wagon that is missing one or more of }      its fenders and/or doors.  This will draw money away from the }      main stream of the economy as people lose touch with their basic }      materialistic instincts and funnel their excess cash up towards }      the Parent Company. } }      Once softened, the victims will be further brainwashed into }      thinking that all of humanity was created by a giant Chia Pet (The }      one that looks like a cat - I still don't understand where they }      are headed with the Chia Tree). } }      The people behind all this are the very same ones that are backing }      Dan Qualye as President.  By this time it will be the general }      understanding that Dan Quayle was the Love Child of the Chia Cat }      and the Chia Dog (even though it is quite obvious that a Chia Dog }      and a Chia Cat would have a different chromozome count, the }      fruit juice sippin' geletin jigglin' General Public will miss }      the connection. } } To counteract this horriffic chain of events, it is imperative that } we return to the practice of buying over priced champagnes, cars } that move way faster than freeway traffic, espresso machines and other } Icons-O-Excess that have begun to fade since the closing of the "ME" } decade. } } As for your desire to have a question read on a Snapple commercial, } here's what you do: } }      Go to the nearest Walmart. } }      Find a "Greeter" (Not hard - they'll find you). } }      Tell the greeter that you'd like to make a $10,000 cash }      contribution to the Dan Quayle For President Campaign. } }      The greeter will take the cash and assign you your very own }      personalised question that will be read on your behalf on the }      next available Snapple commercial. } } You owe the Oracle a Quayle For President sign and one of those big } foam hats.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty, and EXTREMLY busy, Oracle - you've been overworking. > You deserve a break today - > Enclosed please find three gift certificates for a Big Mac, Fries and > Shake. > > Sincerely, your friend and mine, >                                               -- Bill Gates

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Bill, } } It seems just like yesterday that we were sitting in your garage } tossing back a few cold ones.  I remember saying, "Hey, Bill, all these } newfangled computers they're coming up with are gonna need something to } do." Now you're sitting on top of the biggest cash pile in history and } I'm sitting in the middle of Indiana dealing with guys who haven't seen } the sun in years and keep asking me where they can find the nude gifs } of Marina Sirtis.  And now, you send me ten bucks worth of food.  Hell, } not even food - I have to go get it myself.  You know what, Bill?  Try } this on for size:  up yours. } } You owe me some ketchup and a nude gif of Patrick Stewart.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the answer was "Princess Diana, in the closet, with half a pound of > strawberry jam and a six-pack of Budweiser", what was the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I believe that the only question that would recieve that answer would } be: } } What did you do this weekend? } } You owe the Oracle a bar of soap and some tylenol for his headache.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's find out, shall we: } } oracle 717% finger god@heaven.org } Login name: god                       In real life: JHVH } Directory: /everywhere                Shell: /usr/local/bin/bash } On since Jan  1 00:00:00 on console } Prayers last heard Wed Nov  2 13:07:19 1994 } Project: Man's existence on Earth until Armageddon } Plan: } 1) Reign Supreme over creation } 2) Thwart Lucifer's plans to corrupt man, unless they'll produce better }    television } 3) Send weekly scattering of hurricanes, tsunamis, and other of my }    Acts } 4) Keep tabs on all falling sparrows } 5) Talk to Dante about book IV of his "Inferno" trilogy } 6) Make sure Jesus isn't late for Second Coming (that boy was nearly }    late for his own resurrection!) } 7) Smite Pat Robertson a good one } 8) Expand size of universe to keep astronomers guessing

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty oracle, what is the universe extending into since it is > extending?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, paltry supplicant, your assumption is false. The universe } is not extending. It is merely that all things contained in } the universe have decided that they want to leave. } } You owe the Oracle Carl Sagan's head on a platter.