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Internet Oracularities #689

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689, 689-01, 689-02, 689-03, 689-04, 689-05, 689-06, 689-07, 689-08, 689-09, 689-10


Usenet Oracularities #689    (95 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 8 Nov 1994 07:47:46 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   689
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

689   95 votes blsle Bqk66 akyla govh7 biBl8 kuigb lvy72 7lymb ilngh 6oDk6
689   2.8 mean  3.1   2.1   3.0   2.7   3.0   2.7   2.3   3.1   2.9   3.0


689-01    (blsle dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Stomp Stomp *clap*
> Stomp Stomp *clap*
>
> We will, we will Rock you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rock Rogers, intrepid explorer, ventures forth from Marsport, piloting
} the space cruiser "Fearless" on his way to the asteroid belt. His
} clean-cut, youthful features jut prominently against the viewport
} showing the inky blackness of space.
}
} Suddenly, a noise from the supposedly-empty cargo hold alerts him to
} the sound of danger! He leaps from his seat, grabbing the hand-blaster
} from behind the Koffee-Matic dispenser. He sets the blaster to
} "disrupt" as he pulls himself one-handed through the access port,
} floating in zero-gee.
}
} There, looking out from the edge of the cargo hold at him, is the head
} of a Space-Woodchuck! As everyone knows, the Space-Woodchuck is the
} most dangerous creature to be found in cargo holds, more dangerous even
} than the brain-eating slime found on Ceres, or the purple-headed
} zit-faced newbie monster from planet Aol. Instinctively, Rock fires the
} blaster at the Space-Woodchuck, but instead of the *ZOT* of power that
} he expects, a mere -fsssst- comes from the feeble device.
}
} "Blast," says Rock, "I forgot to buy batteries at Marsport!"
}
} Quickly, knowing that this is its only chance to escape, the wily
} Space-Woodchuck tries to slip past Rock. But Rock, wearing his
} extra-massive asteroid boots and his miner's gloves, tosses his blaster
} aside. He knows how to handle this beast!
}
} With a quick
}
}            Stomp! Stomp! *CLAP*
}            Stomp! Stomp! *CLAP*
}
} the Space Woodchuck is pulverized into a shapeless mass of fur and
} fangs.
}
} You owe the Oracle the story of how Rock Rogers dealt with the
} Space-Lemurs.


689-02    (Bqk66 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> What are some ways in which I can make money fast using my computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} David Rhodes, will you never learn?
}
} ZOT!!!


689-03    (akyla dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best Operating System and what
> is the best Operating System Shell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best operating system is one chief surgeon, one executive surgeon,
} as many surgical assistants as needed, an anesthesiologist, and a
} specialist in whatever ails the patient-- plus a chief nurse and a
} nursing staff organized as the chief nurse and the chief surgeon deem
} fit.
}
} The best operating system shell is the abalone, sharpened by scraping
} it on a rock.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Canadian passport.


689-04    (govh7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you do with a drunken sailor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get him an America Online account.  Introduce him to the Usenet
} Newsgroups. Watch the ensuing flame wars.
}
} You owe the Oracle a drunken wench.


689-05    (biBl8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if there *were* such a thing as a free lunch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Breakfast would still be the most important meal of the day, but
}    nobody would bother eating it. The effect on world civilization as
}    we know it would be staggering.
}
} 2) Restaurants would have to offer brunch at half price. The effect on
}    the food-service industry would be staggering.
}
} 3) The manufacturers of Free Tibet signs would be in the Free Lunch
}    sign business instead. The effect on Richard Gere would be
}    staggering.
}
} 4) In order to recoup their losses, restaurants serving lunch would
}    begin pushing the drinks heavily, resulting in the three-martini
}    lunch becoming the societal norm. The effect on the average citizen
}    would be: staggering.
}
} You owe the Oracle a justification for HNEFATAFL.


689-06    (kuigb dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much chuck would chuck chuck chuck if chuck chuck chuck
> chuck chucked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Chuck is putting dishes in the dishwasher.
}
} Chuck: Here, have another plate.
}
}         Chuck puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}
} Chuck: Here you go.
}
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}
} Chuck: That must make a hundred of them.
}
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}
} Chuck: So this is a hundred and one.
}
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasherer er.
}
} Chuck: Wait'll I tell the Usenet Oracle about this!
}
} Chuck: Wait'll I tell the Usenet Oracle about this!
}
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}
} Chuck: Hee hee. Oh, Miss Dishwasher, you're getting pretty full, aren't
} you?
}
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}
} Chuck [Miss Dishwasher voice]: Oh, no, Chuck! I could eat another
} hundred!
}
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}
} Chuck [normal voice]: Well, here you go, then.
}
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}
} Chuck [Miss Dishwasher voice]: Thank you! Ohh, that's dee-LISH-us!
}
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}
} Chuck: I'm glad you like them.
}
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}                 :
}                 :
}         He puts another plate in the dishwasher.
}         He puts the last plate in the dishwasher.
}
} Chuck: Oh no, I'm out of plates!
}
} Chuck [Miss Dishwasher]: Oh, no! I want more! Give me more!
}
} Chuck: I'm afraid you've eaten them all. Now, it's time to turn you on!
}
} Chuck [Miss Dishwasher]: Oh, yes, Chuck! Yes!
}
}         Chuck closes the door and twists the dial. The dishwasher
} starts hissing.
}
} Chuck [Miss Dishwasher]: Bubble bubble bubble HISSSSSSSSSSSS. Oh, I can
} feel my insides getting wet.
}
} Chuck: Good girl. You wash those dishes while I go tell the Usenet
} Oracle all about my day.


689-07    (lvy72 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, please answer this rhetorical question for me.
>
> Let's say that at one time I was a superhero, leading a team of
> superheroes battling evil.  Now, let's say that there was a huge
> battle, which had superheroes of the world on both sides, each fighting
> for what they believed in.  Let's further say that one of the members
> of my team, and a good friend of mine, was on the other side and shot
> me three times through the chest with a .50 caliber gatling gun, and I
> barely pulled through thanks to the assistance of some magical healers
> nearby.
>
> Let's say that after this, I decided to drop out of the superhero biz.
> I was somewhat depressed, can you blame me?  But now, let's imagine
> that there's this mad bomber running around my college campus, and my
> roommate says that I'm the only one who can stop him.  But it's so
> depressing...I was a hero before, and look what it got me.
>
> If a situation such as this were to arise, what would you have me do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hurmph. Well, right off, you lose 3 Brownie Points for not grovelling.
} What do you think this _is_, a free ride?! I mean, sure, you've got
} _your_ problems, but they _pale_ in comparison to mine! I've got to
} answer thousands of questions every day, from whining little snots like
} you, and most of you just _dump_ your questions on me! No, "Please oh
} Mighty Oracle", or, "If you wouldn't mind, Mr. Oracle" -- oh no, it's
} allways "Tell me:". Humph.
}
} Okay! I'm not going to get angry... I'm not going to get angry... I'm
} the Oracle! The _Usenet_ Oracle! And that still means something,
} goshdarnit! I'm... I'm a symbol to the aspiring masses! The symbol of
} all they could be! A symbol of all that is Pure and Cool in the world.
}
} And, coincidentally, kid, so are you -- you were a hero, and like it or
} not, people look up to you now... You've gotta get back on the horse,
} kid. You can't let a little thing like a sucking chest wound get to ya!
} You can't let all those people down, dangit!
}
} And, I mean, come on. With firepower like a .50-cal MG, do you really
} think a lil' old mad bomber would be a problem?
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete set of 'Team M.E.C.H.A.' Trade
} Ether-Backs. And, come to think of it, that .50-cal machinegun would
} look great on my wall...


689-08    (7lymb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of greart wisdom, please tell me. Will I pass my UNIX class

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, dear supplicant ... you'll pass your UNIX class walking the other
} way down the hall, all smiling and relieved-looking, and then you'll
} realize you forgot to go to the exam.  Then, you'll look down and see
} that you're naked, and your UNIX class will turn around and point and
} laugh.  And then, something about a Corvette and the Andrews Sisters
} ... it gets weird from then on.
}
} Then you'll wake up in a panic and realize you're *in* your UNIX exam,
} and there's only 20 minutes to go, and you slept through the whole
} thing.  Then you'll look down and notice you're naked and your class
} will point and laugh, except for the Andrews Sisters who will approach
} you seductively, en masse, and croon "Hey there, Bugle Boy ..."
}
} Then you'll notice that the Andrews Sisters, who you thought were
} naked, are actually wearing those industrial-strength power-bras your
} Grandma wears, with the 18 little hooks and eyes and the straps 3
} inches wide.  Then you'll notice they all even look a little bit like
} your Grandma.  Then it gets weird again ... that's all I can see.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of Granny's underthings ... oooooooer.


689-09    (ilngh dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me, oh great one, why do freshmen at service academys get yelled
> at?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR MOTHER, SUPPLICANT!?


689-10    (6oDk6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, please tell me:
>
> What can I do to make the voices go away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You don't really want to.  One is your conscience, the other
} is your libido.  Oh, wait, you mean the *other* voices.  Well,
} There are several methods of accomplishing this task.
}
} 1)  Take a toothbrush and clean them out of your head.  Be careful to
}     get deep inside the ear canal.  Didn't your mother always tell you
}     to "clean between your ears" ?
}
} 2)  Play them against one another.  For instance, tell voice #34 that
}     voice #18 is sleeping with voice #7, and stand back.
}
} 3)  Try to induce tinnitus by attending a loud rock concert, and sit
}     as near to the band as possible.
}
} and the solution preferred by 6 out of 10 disgruntled postal workers:
}
} 4)  Try to shoot the voices immediately when you hear them.  You
}     should carry a shotgun, because it's hard to miss with one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a silver bell and some mental floss.


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