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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that my girlfriend sends you questions?  Should I be jealous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, it's true all right.  I've had to field beauties from her such as: } } > What do I do if my boyfriend orgasms in three seconds after I } > perform oral sex on him but he won't even do it back to me? } and: } > Why does my boyfriend insist on wearing those lace panties every } > time we go out? } and: } > It seems that my boyfriend enjoys it when his dog Chipper rubs up } > and down on his leg.  Will this affect his credit rating later in } > life? } and: } > I opened my boyfriend's closet and caught him in there, masturbating } > to a picture of Tammy Faye Bakker.  Is this his way of telling me } > that I'm not wearing enough make-up? } } As for whether or not you should be jealous, this just came in about a } minute or two ago.  You figure it out: } } > Is it true that my boyfriend sends you questions?  Should I be } > jealous? } } You owe the Oracle a session with Dr.  Ruth.  And your picture of Tammy } Faye.  And your picture of Barbara Bush, you know, the one you weren't } caught beating off with.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Why is that girl sitting at the terminal next to mine sweating > and moaning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She must have got my answer to her most unusual question.  Although she } seems to be doing fine, ask her if she needs some help visualizing it. } } The Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You get a lot of questions about Lisa, the net.sex.goddess.  But are > there any other net.*.gods or net.*.goddesses?  And, more specifically, > is there a (male) net.sex.god?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa fulfils all our fantasies and therefore she is the only } net.*.goddess. } } If you adopt the code A=6, B=12, C=18, D=24 and so on, you find that } ken@aiai.uucp sums to the number 666.  He is, therefore, something jolly } important, but is probably not a sex god.  Sex gods are always } surrounded by pretty women with no clothes on and moist naughty bits, } and he isn't/

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many roads must a man walk down? > Does is make any difference if the roads are long or short?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A man must walk down a number of roads calculated in the following silly } way: } }   61 roads per inch of penis length }   8 roads per thousand chest hairs }   102 roads per one-night stand with a person he doesn't much like }   18 roads per fight over football or baseball scores }   12 roads per gallon of cologne used with seductive intent }   93 roads per attempted date-rape }   2 roads per totally insensitive action

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the most intense sexual experience a man can experience?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, no man has ever lived to report on the most intense such } experience, but the Oracle sees much and is aware of all. } } Many unlikely variables must come together (no pun intended) to provide } the ultimate experience.  The male in question must be exactly 19 years } of age and in excellent physical condition.  He must be at Hersheypark, } in Hershey, Pennsylvania; the scent of chocolate should be in the air. } He should be accompanied by a young lady of between 17 and 20 years of } age, who is also in excellent physical condition.  The pair cannot have } known each other for more than one week.  The male must not know what he } is doing; he must be a virgin.  The female MUST know what she is doing. } } The couple must ride the "Cyclops" -- and the female must decide that it } is the perfect place to engage in sexual intercourse.  The decision must } be completely spontaneous; any forethought will greatly reduce the } intensity of the experience.  Ideally, the male should not even be aware } that the female is sexually active. } } The "Cyclops" provides a unique motion, as well as several physical } sensations.  In order, they are:  speed, positive gravity, height, } disorientation, negative gravity, and dizziness.  The male must climax } on the "upstroke" of the ride, when the couple's car is on the way up } and penetration is deepest.  The climax will then last until the couple } is upside-down, and then end when negative gravity takes over. } } It is true that several men have died during this experience (of massive } heart failure).  Park officials are concerned, but do not wish to post a } warning sign at the ride's entrance; after all, it IS a family park.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Gluttonous Oracle, > >    And how was your Thanksgiving?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How was my Thanksgiving?  Let me count the ways... } One for the turkey whose bones I did clean, } Two for the legs with muff in between. } Three for the homework I didn't do, } Four for telling my story to you. } } Now I know my one two threes, } Next time smoke a bowl with me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > I have this urge to snap the bra of all girls I meet; it turns me > on marvelously. But my new girlfriend refuses to wear a bra because > she thinks it's an instrument for the male exploitation of the womyn. > > Is it really? And what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Aaaaand the Oracle said....... } }     Ever considered that the Oracle is female, you dirty little PERVERT. }     Wear a bra yourself....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are sperm whales called sperm whales?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  In the late 19th Century, sailors, who hunted whales for a living. } gave the name "Sperm Whale" to a type of whale which produced a white } waxlike substance taken from the oil in its head.  This substance was } commonly used in making cosmetics, ointments and candles. } }  Of course, these same sailors would amuse themselves by staking the odd } luckless frog to the poop deck and fucking it, till it exploded.  The } sailor who was fortunate enough to be abusing the frog at the point of } "critical mass" usually won a prize of an evening's entertainment with } the ship's cook.  Therefore, the opinion of said sailors is not, today, } widely valued. } }  It should also be noted that those who would profit from the gutting of } animals, or other living creatures regarded as cool by the general } populace, are rated by the Pantheon as just below a week old sack of } Squid piss.  The Squid, as you know, has a very poor bladder condition. } } You owe the Oracle two horny goldfish ..

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What is the unpardonable sin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are Seven Unpardonable Sins, which are variations on the Seven } Deadly Sins. } } 1. The unpardonable sin corresponding to Envy is known technically as }    Blargany.  It consists of a morbid desire to attach large numbers of }    slugs, beetles, and similar creatures to highly valuable objects }    belonging to others. } } 2. The u.s. corresponding to Gluttony is Infrabbery.  Infrabbers order }    gigantic meals at restaurants, and have them freeze-dried and mounted }    on the walls of their home. } } 3. The u.s. corresponding to Sloth is Binniby.  Like Sloth, it }    involves mainly sleeping.  Like sloths, the sleeping is mainly }    performed hanging upside down from tree-limbs.  Unlike either one, }    the Binniber wears plaid p.j.'s and a pinstriped tie. } } 4. The u.s. corresponding to Covetousness is Phorio:  the act of }    placing large amounts of money in public showcases, and otherwise }    displaying it to people who deserve to receive it as charity. } } 5. The u.s. corresponding to Pride is Mordu:  overweening pride in }    one's own humility. } } 6. The u.s. corresponding to Lust is Maraschino:  the act or desire of }    having 3-5 attractive members of the appropriate sex(es) stimulate }    the entire surface area of your body with their tongues, while} }    gently rubbing sweet-smelling unguents into your genital region, }    while several others (devoid of clothing save only for decorative }    veils, capulets, and cornices) perform appealing dances in the }    near distance, while still others ...  [I'd better stop here. }    The room is getting too hot.] } } 7. The u.s. corresponding to Being an Executive of a Major }    Multinational Corporation is called Ghastrogravillia.  It consists }    of being an advertising agent for a major multinational corporation. } } To dream the impossible dream ... }   To climb the unclimbable peak .... } To scream the unspeakable scream ..... }   To screw the inscrutable geek ........

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise and Wonderous, do most people stand up to wipe > their bottoms?  Or do they remain seated?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A survey indicates: } } - 20% close the toilet and stand on their heads on it. } - 18% open the toilet and stand on their head in it. } - 17% stand up } - 14% dance around gaily and wipe. } - 12% hire a small furry animal to take care of such matters. } - 12% hire a disadvantaged, crippled Third World person on slave wages }   to do it. } - 9% dip their rumps into the toilet and flush several times } - 8% sit in the sink and run the water on high. } - 8% lie on the floor, face down, and wipe. } - 8% levitate to the ceiling and use the light fixtures to clean and }   dry themselves. } - 7% send out for pizza } - 3% remain steated