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24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 9:32:33 GMT

Internet Oracularities #69

Goto:
69, 69-01, 69-02, 69-03, 69-04, 69-05, 69-06, 69-07, 69-08, 69-09, 69-10


Usenet Oracularities #69    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 30 Nov 89 22:17:28 GMT

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69-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that my girlfriend sends you questions?  Should I be jealous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, it's true all right.  I've had to field beauties from her such as:
}
} > What do I do if my boyfriend orgasms in three seconds after I
} > perform oral sex on him but he won't even do it back to me?
} and:
} > Why does my boyfriend insist on wearing those lace panties every
} > time we go out?
} and:
} > It seems that my boyfriend enjoys it when his dog Chipper rubs up
} > and down on his leg.  Will this affect his credit rating later in
} > life?
} and:
} > I opened my boyfriend's closet and caught him in there, masturbating
} > to a picture of Tammy Faye Bakker.  Is this his way of telling me
} > that I'm not wearing enough make-up?
}
} As for whether or not you should be jealous, this just came in about a
} minute or two ago.  You figure it out:
}
} > Is it true that my boyfriend sends you questions?  Should I be
} > jealous?
}
} You owe the Oracle a session with Dr.  Ruth.  And your picture of Tammy
} Faye.  And your picture of Barbara Bush, you know, the one you weren't
} caught beating off with.


69-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Why is that girl sitting at the terminal next to mine sweating
> and moaning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She must have got my answer to her most unusual question.  Although she
} seems to be doing fine, ask her if she needs some help visualizing it.
}
} The Oracle.


69-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You get a lot of questions about Lisa, the net.sex.goddess.  But are
> there any other net.*.gods or net.*.goddesses?  And, more specifically,
> is there a (male) net.sex.god?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa fulfils all our fantasies and therefore she is the only
} net.*.goddess.
}
} If you adopt the code A=6, B=12, C=18, D=24 and so on, you find that
} ken@aiai.uucp sums to the number 666.  He is, therefore, something jolly
} important, but is probably not a sex god.  Sex gods are always
} surrounded by pretty women with no clothes on and moist naughty bits,
} and he isn't/


69-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many roads must a man walk down?
> Does is make any difference if the roads are long or short?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A man must walk down a number of roads calculated in the following silly
} way:
}
}   61 roads per inch of penis length
}   8 roads per thousand chest hairs
}   102 roads per one-night stand with a person he doesn't much like
}   18 roads per fight over football or baseball scores
}   12 roads per gallon of cologne used with seductive intent
}   93 roads per attempted date-rape
}   2 roads per totally insensitive action


69-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the most intense sexual experience a man can experience?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, no man has ever lived to report on the most intense such
} experience, but the Oracle sees much and is aware of all.
}
} Many unlikely variables must come together (no pun intended) to provide
} the ultimate experience.  The male in question must be exactly 19 years
} of age and in excellent physical condition.  He must be at Hersheypark,
} in Hershey, Pennsylvania; the scent of chocolate should be in the air.
} He should be accompanied by a young lady of between 17 and 20 years of
} age, who is also in excellent physical condition.  The pair cannot have
} known each other for more than one week.  The male must not know what he
} is doing; he must be a virgin.  The female MUST know what she is doing.
}
} The couple must ride the "Cyclops" -- and the female must decide that it
} is the perfect place to engage in sexual intercourse.  The decision must
} be completely spontaneous; any forethought will greatly reduce the
} intensity of the experience.  Ideally, the male should not even be aware
} that the female is sexually active.
}
} The "Cyclops" provides a unique motion, as well as several physical
} sensations.  In order, they are:  speed, positive gravity, height,
} disorientation, negative gravity, and dizziness.  The male must climax
} on the "upstroke" of the ride, when the couple's car is on the way up
} and penetration is deepest.  The climax will then last until the couple
} is upside-down, and then end when negative gravity takes over.
}
} It is true that several men have died during this experience (of massive
} heart failure).  Park officials are concerned, but do not wish to post a
} warning sign at the ride's entrance; after all, it IS a family park.


69-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Gluttonous Oracle,
>
>    And how was your Thanksgiving?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How was my Thanksgiving?  Let me count the ways...
} One for the turkey whose bones I did clean,
} Two for the legs with muff in between.
} Three for the homework I didn't do,
} Four for telling my story to you.
}
} Now I know my one two threes,
} Next time smoke a bowl with me.


69-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I have this urge to snap the bra of all girls I meet; it turns me
> on marvelously. But my new girlfriend refuses to wear a bra because
> she thinks it's an instrument for the male exploitation of the womyn.
>
> Is it really? And what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Aaaaand the Oracle said.......
}
}     Ever considered that the Oracle is female, you dirty little PERVERT.
}     Wear a bra yourself....


69-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are sperm whales called sperm whales?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  In the late 19th Century, sailors, who hunted whales for a living.
} gave the name "Sperm Whale" to a type of whale which produced a white
} waxlike substance taken from the oil in its head.  This substance was
} commonly used in making cosmetics, ointments and candles.
}
}  Of course, these same sailors would amuse themselves by staking the odd
} luckless frog to the poop deck and fucking it, till it exploded.  The
} sailor who was fortunate enough to be abusing the frog at the point of
} "critical mass" usually won a prize of an evening's entertainment with
} the ship's cook.  Therefore, the opinion of said sailors is not, today,
} widely valued.
}
}  It should also be noted that those who would profit from the gutting of
} animals, or other living creatures regarded as cool by the general
} populace, are rated by the Pantheon as just below a week old sack of
} Squid piss.  The Squid, as you know, has a very poor bladder condition.
}
} You owe the Oracle two horny goldfish ..


69-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What is the unpardonable sin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are Seven Unpardonable Sins, which are variations on the Seven
} Deadly Sins.
}
} 1. The unpardonable sin corresponding to Envy is known technically as
}    Blargany.  It consists of a morbid desire to attach large numbers of
}    slugs, beetles, and similar creatures to highly valuable objects
}    belonging to others.
}
} 2. The u.s. corresponding to Gluttony is Infrabbery.  Infrabbers order
}    gigantic meals at restaurants, and have them freeze-dried and mounted
}    on the walls of their home.
}
} 3. The u.s. corresponding to Sloth is Binniby.  Like Sloth, it
}    involves mainly sleeping.  Like sloths, the sleeping is mainly
}    performed hanging upside down from tree-limbs.  Unlike either one,
}    the Binniber wears plaid p.j.'s and a pinstriped tie.
}
} 4. The u.s. corresponding to Covetousness is Phorio:  the act of
}    placing large amounts of money in public showcases, and otherwise
}    displaying it to people who deserve to receive it as charity.
}
} 5. The u.s. corresponding to Pride is Mordu:  overweening pride in
}    one's own humility.
}
} 6. The u.s. corresponding to Lust is Maraschino:  the act or desire of
}    having 3-5 attractive members of the appropriate sex(es) stimulate
}    the entire surface area of your body with their tongues, while}
}    gently rubbing sweet-smelling unguents into your genital region,
}    while several others (devoid of clothing save only for decorative
}    veils, capulets, and cornices) perform appealing dances in the
}    near distance, while still others ...  [I'd better stop here.
}    The room is getting too hot.]
}
} 7. The u.s. corresponding to Being an Executive of a Major
}    Multinational Corporation is called Ghastrogravillia.  It consists
}    of being an advertising agent for a major multinational corporation.
}
} To dream the impossible dream ...
}   To climb the unclimbable peak ....
} To scream the unspeakable scream .....
}   To screw the inscrutable geek ........


69-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise and Wonderous, do most people stand up to wipe
> their bottoms?  Or do they remain seated?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A survey indicates:
}
} - 20% close the toilet and stand on their heads on it.
} - 18% open the toilet and stand on their head in it.
} - 17% stand up
} - 14% dance around gaily and wipe.
} - 12% hire a small furry animal to take care of such matters.
} - 12% hire a disadvantaged, crippled Third World person on slave wages
}   to do it.
} - 9% dip their rumps into the toilet and flush several times
} - 8% sit in the sink and run the water on high.
} - 8% lie on the floor, face down, and wipe.
} - 8% levitate to the ceiling and use the light fixtures to clean and
}   dry themselves.
} - 7% send out for pizza
} - 3% remain steated


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