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Internet Oracularities #690

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690, 690-01, 690-02, 690-03, 690-04, 690-05, 690-06, 690-07, 690-08, 690-09, 690-10


Usenet Oracularities #690    (87 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 13 Nov 1994 16:59:32 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   690
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

690   87 votes yya63 lolg5 groe6 gerka 8Aod6 9gxja 8ekol 5ivna 6izl7 8dmpj
690   2.9 mean  2.0   2.5   2.6   2.9   2.7   3.1   3.4   3.2   3.1   3.4


690-01    (yya63 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am curled up with one leg under my butt and the other one stuck
> under my armpit.  My left arm has somehow been stuffed into St.
> Amagon's mouth, and he has very long teeth.  I am suspended upside
> down in a net over a pool of boiling alligators.  A dentist has poked
> her drill into my left molars and is probably writing her initials
> there.  I am being force-fed abalone sushi and it is socially
> unacceptable to say that it is rather like chewing on my own cheek,
> except more highly spiced.  I have been stuck on skiis and I am
> currently hurtling toward a precipice at something over 800 miles a
> second.  I am listening to three operas simultaneously, and I can't
> understand a single word, and it is socially unacceptable to say
> anything bad about it at all.  Seven carnivorous howling butterflies
> have started to devour my left ear.  Fifteen rabid scientific
> elephants have decided that my other ear is a suitable repository for
> explosive and corrosive vapors, and who the heck is going to say "no"
> to fifteen rabid scientific elephants?  A Space Pirate has pointed her
> ray gun at me and I am being forced to walk the star-plank, which is
> no mean feat when I'm curled up with one leg under my but and the
> other one stuck under my armpit.  How can I get out of this fix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, oh supplicant, since you are in such dire straits I shall overlook
} the lack of manners you have shown by neglecting to grovel properly and
} save your worthless hide.
}
}   First: Screw social niceties and say what you think. It'll do a lot
} for your morale. Next, Ask St. Amagon the woodchuck question. It'll
} annoy him into a roar of rage and frustration, enabling you to get back
} the use of


690-02    (lolg5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Hey Oracle,
>  What exactly is a voodoo lounge, anyway?
>  Do those witch-doctor types hang out there, after a long day of
> taking souls and placing curses?
>  Is Keith Richards really a voodoo priest?
>
>  Just wondering.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's quite a story behind the Stones' last album.  Remember the
} Disney film that came out a while back, "Cool Runnings", about the
} Jamaican bobsled team?  It was actually a heavily reworked version of a
} script that had originally been sent to Touchstone, about Haitian
} zombies who go to Norway to compete in another winter downhill sport.
} "Voodoo Luge" would star Danny Glover and Ellen Cleghorne, with an
} original soundtrack by the Rolling Stones.
}
} Most of the songs on the album you know originally had lyrics relevant
} to the film.  "Sparks Will Fly" was about a two-zombie run where the
} luge flipped off the track and ran into the press box.  "Blinded by
} Rainbows" was about a young zombie who misses a turn because he's awed
} by the beauty of the daytime sky, which he hasn't seen since he was
} undead.  "The Worst" was a blues song about the team coming in at last
} place behind Botswana.  The only retitled track, of course, was "Luge
} is Strong".
}
} Eventually Touchstone backed out of the film after major pressure from
} the big bosses at Disney, who thought the premise was tasteless and
} sent it to the script doctors to rework into a kids' film.  The
} frantic Stones altered their album's name to the meaningless "Voodoo
} Lounge" and rewrote most of the tracks. The only vestige of the
} original project was the lycra-and-polypropylene luger's suit that
} Charlie Watts could be seen wearing during the first few stops on
} the Voodoo Lounge tour, before it caused him to break out in hives.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Sno-Cone.


690-03    (groe6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Selamat pagi tuan Oracle besar.
> Apa kabar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhhhh, yes.
}
} Thank-you for the most flattering Selamat, my most chumber manklewig.
} I think your besar is ziplier than a farklepop on toastun.
}
} Anyway, your queznel chamrod is most boinglery. I've kept a mugglewump
} stir-fried in the bobler. Take a chaffledup any time you want, and your
} pagi-tuan should clear up after a few slapslicks on the old liplegger.
}
} If not, consult your local dogslur.


690-04    (gerka dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gracious oracle who lights the sky with your brilliance, please
> answer this question from a grovelling supplicant.
>
> Why can I not see electricity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh knave, if you wish to see electricity, stick a fork into an
} electrical outlet. The oracle will guarantee that you will see
} electricity.


690-05    (8Aod6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?
> Thank you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excerpts from, "The Meaning of Life" by T.U. Oracle:
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} The ultimate meaning of life is to attain Oracle-hood.  Ways to get
} there include:
}
} 1. Imparting your vast knowledge upon lesser beings.  Often acheived by
}       beating them over the head with your stack of dictionaries.
}
} 2. Gaining a vast knowledge from your superiors.  Often attempted by
}       going to a post-secondary institution.  Being beaten over the
}       head with a dictionary usually has the same results for lower
}       cost.
}
} 3. Discovering weird things about the opposite sex.  (This is optional
}       because no one has done that yet.)
}
} 4. Explaining weird things about the opposite sex.  (Even more rare
}       than #3.)
}
} 5. Taking a shotgun and shooting every woodchuck in the country.  This
}       will be used to releive stress that you will accumulate once you
}       have attained Oracle-hood.
} ...
}
} 14. Volunteering as an Oracle's priest.  It always helps to learn the
}       trade by basking in another Oracle's presense.
}
} 15. Finding new and innovative ways to kill woodchucks.  No, placing
}       them in the same room as lemurs has already been used.  And
}       natural enemies don't seem to work either.
}
} 16. Code for food.  'nuff said.
} ...
}
} 28. Find yourself a hot girlfriend.  Make sure she's kinky in bed.  In
}       some cases, a luke-warm girlfriend will suffice, if all the hot
}       ones have been taken.  Wisdom of the ages will follow.
}
} 29. Develop a nuclear weapon that only kills woodchucks.
}
} 30. Write a one thousand page essay on the humour, or lack thereof, in
}       rec.humor.oracle.d.  And make the essay FUNNY.
} ...
}
} 41. Develop a program, written half in assembler, half in ForTran, that
}       will destroy all supplicants' questions about woodchucks AS IT IS
}       BEING TYPED.
}
} 42. And lastly, the ability to entirely misunderstand any supplicant's
}       question and respond with something entirely unrelated but mostly
}       humurous helps.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of a blind publisher.


690-06    (9gxja dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most munificent Oracle, with unsurpassed intelligence (surpassed
> only by  Dan Quayle) and incredible speed of wit (surpassed only by
> Richard Nixon, and he's dead).  Please answer this question which I
> pose for you (it's alright, I know you're slow, so I already figured
> out the answer).
>
> Does Kirk die in "Star Trek: Generations" coming out on Stardate 18 11
> 94, or this just some nasty rumor started by the Romulans?  (or the
> Klingons, he never could forgive them for the death of his son)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh but you've got a *ZOT* coming.  Lucky I'm in a good mood.  I
} distinctly told Dan NOT to mention Murphy Brown.  Did he listen?!
}
} Anyawy, you simply misheard the rumor, which is true.  Kirk does
} not "die" but he does "dye."  You'll notice his hair is
} mysteriously darker than in the previous movie.  Yes, he also has
} the film airbrushed again to shrink his... cargo hold.
}
} You owe the Oracle a VERY good grovel, you owe William Shatner a
} bottle of "Just For Men", and you owe Dan Quayle a spell chekkir.


690-07    (8ekol dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This won't take long.  You won't feel a thing...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Probably something your girlfriend is used to hearing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a woodchuck question. I've only had 42 of them
} today.


690-08    (5ivna dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle:
>
> By way of introduction, I am a professor of physics at Stanford
> University. During my vacation in Hawaii, I decided to take a 3-hour
> whale-watching tour. A sudden squall appeared, blowing us rather
> severely off course, and we have found ourselves stranded on an
> uncharted island.
>
> I have six companions in this crisis: the brave but ineffectual ship's
> captain, his bumbling mate, a campy harlot who claims to star in 'cult'
> films, a naive midwestern farmgirl, an arrogant snob who made a fortune
> in oil, and his self-absorbed wife.
>
> While poking around the island's lagoon, I found a transmission line
> with an Ethernet transciever on the end.  Using coconut silk and some
> fire coral, I was able to fashion a primitive PowerBook.  The mail
> utility works fine, although I seem to be unable to get Mosaic running.
>
> What should I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whatever you do, don't e-mail for help.  There's a fortune to be
} made!  Create a video of your adventures, and divide the resulting
} binary into 64K chunks;  we'll recombine them until you get Mosaic.
}
} When the show is over, you can switch to regional theater and shopping
} center appearances.
}
} Since you owe the Oracle:  please pass my regards on to Maynard G.
} Krebs.


690-09    (6izl7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last year, Science Olympiad was held in Arizona, which lacks daylight
> savings time.  This year, it will be held in your state of Indiana,
> which is similarly lacking.  What do _they_ have against daylight
> savings time?  I don't see anything subversive about it.  Uh-oh,
> _they_'re after me again--gotta go!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Daylight savings, supplicant, is not the stuff of science.  It is
} strictly for the esoteric intellectual poets.  Any good physicist knows
} you can't 'save' daylight...it disobeys the principal of 'conservation
} of mass'. The entire concept of daylight savings time is like trying to
} make yourself taller by cutting off your head and standing on it.
}
} I often find these zen philosophers have a far different concept of
} light than we more rigourous thinkers.  I once asked my friend Immanuel
} Kant if he wanted to go out for pizza with me.  He responded 'No,
} Thanks, I'm eating light.'  Wow, heavy.  I don't get it.  Must be one
} of those things like 'what's the color of a sigh'.
}
} You owe the Oracle a changed light bulb.  You may request the
} assistance of as many people like you as required.


690-10    (8dmpj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me
>                 O great being whose blemishes I am not worthy to
> irritate, whose odours I am not enough to be repulse by, whose verbal
> aftermath of spittle I am unfit to dodge..............
>
> What's the point of anything?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sharp bit at the end.
}
} You owe the Usenet Oracle a picture of a porpoise.


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