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Internet Oracularities #691

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691, 691-01, 691-02, 691-03, 691-04, 691-05, 691-06, 691-07, 691-08, 691-09, 691-10


Usenet Oracularities #691    (89 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 15 Nov 1994 16:23:34 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   691
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

691   89 votes lmrc7 8rri9 cspf9 7busd fliq9 lmq9b dyne5 bqtg7 8cjvj vpm74
691   2.8 mean  2.6   2.9   2.8   3.3   2.9   2.6   2.6   2.8   3.5   2.2


691-01    (lmrc7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you get to heaven?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *I* get to heaven in my personal private flying saucer, piloted by
} scantily clad french maids. How do *YOU* get to heaven?


691-02    (8rri9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, please tell me why I procrastinate on my school work
> until the very last minute.  If I could only get it done ahead of time,
> my life would be much less stressful.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, could I get back to you on this? I've got a paper due tomorrow.


691-03    (cspf9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> {Sung like a Gregorian chant}
> Oh Great-Magnificent-Prestiguous-OrrrAAAAcle
> Whose circumfrance I am not worthy to calCULlaaate.
>
> Why does my life suck so badly, Oracle?  What did I EVER do to deserve
> this life!?  Help me, please, Oracle...
>
> Have a Nice Day. :-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} C'mon, Mom, I told you never to call me here; I'm trying to work.
} [. . .]
}
} I'm sorry.  I -know- I said I'd call last week, but I got swamped with
} all these woodchuck questions and spent most of my waking hours
} recharging the ZOT machine.  By the time I got home at night, I was
} tired and it was too late to call.
} [. . .]
}
} No, of -course- I don't love them more than you, but I've gotta job to
} do here.
} [. . .]
}
} Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit, Mom?  Your life doesn't
} suck.  I mean, you've got a working ethernet connection, and I send you
} all the woodchuck steaks you can eat twice a week.  What else do you
} want from me?
} [. . .]
}
} -Besides- a phone call, Mom.  I already said I was sorry about that.  I
} promise I'll call you later this week -- woodchucks or no woodchucks --
} but I really gotta go now.
} [. . .]
}
} Love you, too, Mom.  Bye!


691-04    (7busd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the sky blue ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps your remember this old song from your childhood:
}
}      "Tell me why"
}
} "Tell me why the stars do shine.
}  Tell me why the ivy twines.
}  Tell me why the skies are blue,
}  and I will tell you just why I love you."
}
} This is the answer:
}
} "Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine.
}  Anatropisms make ivy twine.
}  Reilly diffraction makes skies to blue.
}  Hormones and gonads, that's why I love you."
}
} You owe the Oracle a negotiated settlement to my most recent copyright-
} infringement suit from the Estate of Isaac Asimov.


691-05    (fliq9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most vigorous oracle, who mastered swordsplay long ago, tell me:
>
> Who really was Conan of Cimmeria?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arnold Schwarzenegger.
}
} Hmmm, that's not very funny and you supplicants are always demanding
} funnier and funnier stuff.  Ok, how about these for a laugh....
}
} Top 10 Causes of Friction in the
} Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver Marriage
}
} 10. Language Barrier
}  9. Forrest Sawyer Drops in at All Hours
}  8. Puts Steroids in Mint Dish as Practical Joke
}  7. Uncle Ted Always Wants to Arm Wrestle
}  6. Thinks Jane Pauley is a "Fabulous Babe"
}  5. Refuses to Learn Words to "Edelweiss"
}  4. Muscle Magazines Leave No Room in Rack for Town & Country
}  3. Uses "Bulking up" as Excuse to Eat Like a Pig
}  2. Rose Always Wants to Arm Wrestle
}  1. Body Oil on the Upholstery
}
} Arnold Schwarzenegger's Top 10 Rejected Movie Lines
}
} 10. "My, what a lovely lace doily!"
}  9. "Oww!  A papercut!"
}  8. "Man-oh-man, do I love fudge!"
}  7. "When I think about you, I touch myself."
}  6. "Do you have any of those 'ouch-less' Band-Aids?"
}  5. "Can you please open this jar of olives for me?"
}  4. "Time to make the doughnuts, you bastard!"
}  3. "Can you just let me keep my credit cards?"
}  2. "Tell me, Oracle, tell me!"
}  1. "Who else loves show tunes?"
}
} You owe the Oracle tickets to Terminator III.


691-06    (lmq9b dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> must...   find...    dilithium...    crystals...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try looking between the cushions of your sofa.


691-07    (dyne5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TELL ME HOW TALL IS THE SMALLEST ANT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let me look.  Hmmm...... uh hum....Ah, I see!  The smallest ant
} is just tall enough where it's feet just *exactly* touch the ground.
} Any shorter and it would have a real problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle another rubber tree plant.


691-08    (bqtg7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle,
>       How would you define "spillmanesque"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ask Exxon.


691-09    (8cjvj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who knows more about weather than Willard Scott,
>       who always knows when to take out the umbrella,
>       who can accually tell the different between each snowflake.
>
> Oracle, I'm currently sitting in the middle of a small electrical
> storm, and the question occured to me:  What causes lightning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God rubbing the universe on his head and sticking it to the wall.


691-10    (vpm74 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the most beautiful thing in the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Me.
}
} You owe The Oracle a bit more benefit of the doubt in future.


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