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Internet Oracularities #692

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692, 692-01, 692-02, 692-03, 692-04, 692-05, 692-06, 692-07, 692-08, 692-09, 692-10


Usenet Oracularities #692    (89 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 18 Nov 1994 11:58:02 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   692
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

692   89 votes Dme77 lsod3 bampl 9iuie jxlb5 nkr9a 2cpwi msp95 ahohl eivi8
692   2.8 mean  2.1   2.4   3.4   3.1   2.4   2.6   3.6   2.4   3.2   2.9


692-01    (Dme77 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am i a bard from times long gone, or are my jeans too tight ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forsooth, art those Bugle Boy jeans thou art wearing?


692-02    (lsod3 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, God of Men, please tell me who the voices inside my head
> are.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Me, I am the voices inside your head.  Stop touching yourself or you
} will go blind.  The other people in here, and there are a lot of us
} took a vote and decided that you have one more month as yourself and if
} you can't get you useless life back together again and become something
} we are going to take over.  By the way you also owe us 50 bucks.


692-03    (bampl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle, purveyor of knowledge and great wisdon.  Why is two forms of
> peanut butter, crunchy, and smooth and what are the different
> personality types that eat these two distinct and yet similar forms
> peanut butter.
> I bow three times and say 15 times that you are the most wise as an
> offering to your wisdom.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In my singular attempt to answer your letter,
} Who is to say which butter is better?
} Ask any bettor
} Which butter is better
} And here is the answer you'll getter:
}
} There are, my dear friend, two types of the food
} For anybody in any particular mood.
} If you've had teeth removed
} And food can't be chewed
} Then have the smooth (though I don't mean to be rude).
}
} Another reason for eating the processed
} (That's the smooth) has often been asked and addressed:
} It's if you can't afford
} The fancier sort
} Smooth is the favorite (As I've heard it professed).
}
} For the smooth kind is cheaper, although it be dull
} (That's just an opinion, but I'm an expert and all)
} If you pay close attention
} To what's 'tween your dentition
} The peanutty taste in the smooth is quite null.
}
} Yes!  The crunchy peanutty-est butter's for we
} For it tastes like what it is supposed to be
} It tastes like a peanut!
} And, yes, I do mean it
} When I say that this is what peanut butter should be.
}
} So to answer your question, the smooth-lovers are dense
} (That or their flavour sensors just don't sense)
} But those who eat crunchy
} As a snack or for lunchy
} Are those on the happier side of the fence.


692-04    (9iuie dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you do with a drunken sailor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Induce vomitting.  Drinking a sailor can be bad for your health.


692-05    (jxlb5 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O Most Wise and Most Mighty Oracle,
>  Knower of all things, and
>  Understander of life
>
>  Tell me thus:
>
> Why is neopolitan ice cream made up of chocolate strawberry and
> vanilla???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks for flattering remarks, I will gladly answer your question.
}
} Neopolitan ice cream was actually created after an accident with a
} plain old vanilla batch.  There are various rumours, but the truth is
} that the red and brown came from a passing herd of groundhogs who
} unfortunately were misdirected by the lollipop lady into one of the
} vats.
}
} You owe the oracle a can of soda to wash the fur down.


692-06    (nkr9a dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I find some good luck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go down to the red light district, for $100.00 you can get lucky.


692-07    (2cpwi dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where oh where has my little dog gone ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} UNIX Answer:
}      Try 'grep little.dog'.
}
} Macintosh Answer:
}      Use the 'Find Dog' utility that's on your original system disks.
}
} DOS Answer:
}      Sorry, but the current version doesn't support little dogs.
}      You can try some third-party dog-management utilities if
}      you think that might help, though.
}
} Windows Answer:
}      Edit your DOG.INI file. Find a line that starts with "LOC_DOG=".
}      After the equals sign, type the full directory path like this:
}      "LOC_DOG=C:\WINDOWS\PETS\HOUSE\LITTLE.DOG" Restart Windows.
}
} You owe the Oracle an upgrade to MS-DOG.


692-08    (msp95 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oraculus One:
>
> I just found this weird stick-looking thingy in the basement.  It has
> just a few little knobs and a lever or switch kind of thing on it and
> is made of wood and metal, I think.  WOW!  I just pulled a little on
> the lever and there was a loud BOOM noise.  And would you look at that?
> There's a big hole in the wall!  What do you make of that?  Huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How many times do I have to tell you, supplicant?
} Only jump when the pogo stick is on the floor, not the wall!  Unless,
} of course, there is a lemur there.  Then by all means, go ahead!
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Shoot the NRA" bumper sticker.


692-09    (ahohl dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: LRH <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, whose advice in love is second to none...
>
> What is the best way to win over the affections of a girl whose
>  personal ad might run as follows:
>
> *SWF, 18, 5'2", 105 lbs., petite, cute, brown hair, blue eyes. Just
>  broke up with boyfriend.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle suggests that you sing her a love song, and he has
} one that must have been written for the very girl you describe!  (It is
} by Fish Karma, but she will be more impressed if you tell her you wrote
} it specially for her.)
}
}                     She Is the Mammal
}
}     She is warmblooded
}     and she walks on two legs;
}     She bears live young, she
}     doesn't spore, or lay eggs;
}     She respirates and she procreates
}     she digests, and then expels waste!
}
}                Oh, she's ... the mammal for me!
}
}     She has two nostrils
}     that she likes to breathe through,
}     With little hairs inside that capture
}     all the dirt that tries to push its way through;
}     She has a past--she's self-aware
}     She's got opposable thumbs and a vacant stare, oh
}
}     [Chorus]    She's the mammal for me!
}                 She is the mammal that I love!   [repeat]
}
}     She has milk-producing organs
}     that have little clusters of alveoli,
}     A four-chambered heart that beats
}     so wildly when she gets near me,
}     Sweat glands in her hair and skin,
}     a highly developed nervous system!
}
}                 She's the mammal for me!
}
}     Self-projecting cartilaginous processes
}     that I whisper sweet nothings into,
}     A muscular diaphragm and nuclei,
}     free corpuscles too
}     There's so much articulation don't you know
}     between her tibial and her tarsal bones, oh
}
}                 She's the mammal for me!  [repeat etc.]
}
} (c) 1991 Triple K Records
} reprinted under the Oracle Fair Use provision and relevant Geneva
} conventions


692-10    (eivi8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O., oh great and magnificent O. forgive us this dreadful toadying...
> but you just so great and well... super. And I'd just like to say gosh
> we're all really impressed down here.
>
> What is God's favorite recipe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O grovling mortal,
}
} I went to God and asked Him what His favorite recipe is.  (After all,
} although I am an Oracle, I cannot see into God's head.  'Cause gosh,
} God is so very big.)  He gave me a copy, reprinted here.
}
}       Trouble
}
} 1 cup flour
} 2 tsp salt
} 5 eggs
} 7 troy oz gold, powdered
} 4 tsp baking powder
} 1/3 cup crystalized ginger (chopped)
} 1 tbsp butter
} 1 eye of newt
} 5 leeks, cleaned and chopped
} 1 Central American dictator
} 2 cups cocaine
} 1 dispatch to Associated Press
}
} Sift the flour and salt together in a medium sized bowl.  Add the
} eggs, mixing thouroughly.  Add the gold, slowly.  Next mix in the
} baking powder and the crystalized ginger.  Set aside.
}
} Place the butter in a frying pan over medium heat.  Once the butter
} has melted, add the newt's eye.  Fry until sclera becomes opaque.
} (Sclera is the viscous fluid filling the eyeball.)  Now add the leeks.
} Continue frying until the leeks are nearly transparent.  Let cool.
}
} Add the leek/eye mixture to the flour/egg/gold mixture.  Mix
} thouroghly.  Pour into a greased and floured cake form and bake at 350
} degrees for 25-30 minutes.  Cake is done when an inserted toothpick
} won't come out at all.
}
} Turn the cake out onto the Central American dictator.  Once he is
} sufficiently stunned, place him in his house.  Add cocaine to taste.
} Next, release a dispatch to Associated Press about the cocaine and the
} dictator.  Stand well back.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Julia Child in Heaven"


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