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Internet Oracularities #693

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693, 693-01, 693-02, 693-03, 693-04, 693-05, 693-06, 693-07, 693-08, 693-09, 693-10


Usenet Oracularities #693    (87 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 22 Nov 1994 09:19:09 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   693
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

693   87 votes aprk5 6cnB9 4dpsh 8ivjb eqoe9 9hnpd brpi6 fooi6 eoue5 abgsm
693   3.0 mean  2.8   3.4   3.5   3.1   2.7   3.2   2.8   2.7   2.7   3.5


693-01    (aprk5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh wise Oracle tell me why I keep getting cravings for chocolate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because you keep bartering unimaginatively. If you keep trading
} with the same craven crowd, don't be surprised if they keep trading
} you cravings for chocolate.
}
} You need to work on your trading technique, and get involved in more
} complicated deals. For example, if you go to your local video store,
} you can probably get, like, water for chocolate. Then go to any high-
} class china shop, where they're happy to take water ford crystal. Then
} go to Superman, who specializes in crystal for tresses. For ideas on
} what to do with the tresses, consult O. Henry's treatise, _The Gift of
} the Magi_.
}
} You owe the Oracle a seat on the Zurich Chocolate Exchange.


693-02    (6cnB9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just after prop 187 was passed in California, Pete Wilson ordered that
> state funding for pre-natal care for illegal aliens (and those who look
> like illegal aliens) be cut off.
> On the premise that Pete Wilson is pro-life and believes that life
> begins at conception, how can he deny aid to someone (the child) who
> is, by federal law, a U S citizen at birth, and therefore not an
> illegal alien?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} %% Usenet Oracle Auto-Reply %% 18 November 1994  21:03:47 GMT %%
} %% Diagnostic code 0x1D: Insufficient supplicant identification %%
}
} As of 16 November 1994, the Usenet Oracle is required by the statutes
} of Indiana to verify the United States citizenship of all recipients
} of his services.
}
} Please resubmit your question with a Subject line in the following
} format:
}
}      Subject: tell me XXX-XX-XXXX County ST
}
} where "XX-XXX-XXXX" is your Social Security number, "County" is
} the county in which you are registered to vote, and "ST" is the two-
} letter postal abbreviation for your state.
}
} If you are a US citizen but lack a SS# and are not registered to vote,
} you may obtain a temporary Social Security number for use in Oracle
} posting *only* by uploading a .GIF or .JPG scan of your birth
} certificate, with at least 200 dpi resolution at 100% size,
} to moose.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/oracle/id via anonymous ftp.
}
} As of this time, non-citizens are still eligible to participate by
} sending "ask me's"; however, a pending ruling by the Indiana Supreme
} Court on the definition of Oracle "services" may change this
} situation.  Please read notices on rec.humor.oracle or consult
} with your country's embassy for further updates.


693-03    (4dpsh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I find a pretty young girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The accepted technique on Usenet is to post a message to
} alt.pictures.binaries.erotica (not .d, *no one* reads that) as
} follows:
}
}     Subject: Want pix of pretty young girls!!!
}
}     Yes!!! Post them!!!!! The younger the better!!!! Naked
}     hairless prepubescent jailbait!!!!!!  Pampers-clad
}     ululating infantile proto-Lolitas!  Naked zygotes!
}     Hell, I'll settle for a good photo of an ovum!!
}
} Statistically, you may expect the following breakdown of e-mail
} responses:
}
}      54.3%     People letting you know you forgot to log off
}      34.2%     People calling you a despicable bestial pervert
}       8.5%     FBI agents setting up a sting operation
}       2.0%     Jokers telling you to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for hot pix
}       1.0      A pretty young girl who just happened to be logged
}                onto Usenet for the first time, and who accidentally
}                got onto alt.pictures.binaries.erotica, she's not
}                sure how, but she read your post and she feels there's
}                a warm, sensitive, but rather lonely young man behind
}                it, and she'd like to correspond with you if she can
}                figure out how her e-mail editor works, and she knows
}                you're probably a long way away but she was planning
}                to travel on spring break or maybe she could even get
}                away over Christmas if they don't have family dinner at
}                Aunt Jan's, and she's sure you won't ever need to look
}                at those silly pictures again once you've met her,
}                but she does need commitment, because the last guy
}                she was with just wanted to use her, but she's sure
}                you're not like that, are you?
}
} You owe the Oracle an invitation to your wedding.


693-04    (8ivjb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@hal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> felt the repulsive hand crawling on her thigh.  Remembering
> what happened last time, she didn't scream.  Instead, she
> took a firm grip on her dinner fork, and plunged the tines

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} into her steak.  It was very good, medium-rare, with a tangy
} barbeque sauce.  Intellectually she knew that the hand was a symptom
} of the new medication she was taking, but it felt very real.  She
} wanted to spring from her seat and dash out of the restaurant, but
} she knew that if she did she would probably embarrass her date
} yet again.  Instead she forced out a smile and took another


693-05    (eqoe9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Racle,
> What happens after we die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After you die, there is a brief autopsy, whose results are never made
} public.  A day later the secret service agent who was supposed to be
} protecting you and Hillary is reported missing.  The next week, the
} president pro tempore immediately signs a bill allowing assault weapons
} to be sold at 7-11.  The funeral is really beautiful.


693-06    (9hnpd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, grandiose Oracle, and other nice things....  I was wondering if you
> could sate my drive for knowledge and answer the following question for
> me....  It's been bugging me for days.  Ok, hours.  Ok, I just thought
> it up.
>
> How many wooden nickles could a wooden nickle pickle if a wooden nickle
> could pickle nickles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, this question has been bugging *me* for EONS.  It belongs
} to a class of problems that we here call "WC-complete," the classic
} example being of a w*******k c******g wood.  Here are some others:
}
} How many rooks would a book nook cook if a book nook could cook rooks?
}
} How much fame would a name game gain if a name game could gain fame?
}
} How much dough would a low crow stow if a low crow could stow dough?
}
} How many supplicants would the Oracle ZOT if the Oracle could ZOT
} supplicants?  (This one is particularly interesting, since there is
} active experimental work going on to find the answer.  You are
} specially encouraged to volunteer.)
}
} Now, there's no very good way to find the solution to any of these
} problems.  However, there are two theorems proven about them:
}
} 1. They're all equivalent.  That is, if you develop a technique to
} solve one, it applies to them all.
}
} 2. They're a @%^!#$% pot of crock and a good way to get ZOTted.
}
} You may consider this a warning.  Should the vinegary, unpleasantly wet
} handful of change in your pocket not be convincing, I'm sure we can
} come up with something.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good, long apology.


693-07    (brpi6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty, omniscient Oracle, please help me.
>
>   At your suggestion, I jumped into hot lava to get the spiders off
> me.  As you recall, this created another problem, removing the fourth
> degree burns.  The trip to Antarctica you prescribed was successful,
> but generated an infestation of penguins on my person.  Not only was
> the bath you recommended to get rid of them inneffective, but the
> smell of wet penguins attracted killer whales!  I called in David
> Attenbourough to make a documentary, and indeed he scared away the
> killer whales as you prophesied!  I still have a minor problem with
> the penguins, but I'm growing used to them, so I won't ask for a
> solution.  However, I now cannot seem to get rid of David
> Attenborough.  In fact, he wants to make a 32 part documentary on my
> life, called "The Penguin Man".  I do not have time to go through with
> it, but I don't want to hurt his feelings, so please tell me,
>
>   How do I get David Attenborough off me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, OK, but it's not going to be easy. It's always hard to let a man
} like David Attenborough down without hurting his feelings. Just tell
} him that you're not THAT kind of guy, even though you are attracted to
} penguins and vice versa. Be sure to tell him not to worry, that it's
} not his fault, and you're sure he'll soon find someone else, someone
} who is right for him. Tell him that you still want to be friends, but
} you need a little space in your life. Finally, mention that you want to
} introduce him to a friend of yours who studies the migration of Monarch
} butterflies, and Attenborough will be off to South America before you
} can say, "This program has been made possible by a grant from TRW."
}
} You owe the Oracle a lushly photographed Attenborough documentary of
} Claire Danes.


693-08    (fooi6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you tell me why a work colleague of mine insists on wearing a
> different coloured toupe to his natural hair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  There could be a number of different explanations for this phenomenon:
}
} a) He could be colour blind.
} b) It was dark this morning when he rummaged in his toupe drawer, and
} could not see that his favourite rug was a different colour to his own
} locks.
} c) He prefers two-tone hair as it makes him a talking point within his
} office.
} d) The offending hairpiece has been bleached by the strong artificial
} lights in his office.
} e) He can not afford to buy a new one (he is saving up for a hair
} transplant operation which is extremely expensive, ask Elton John).
} f) Whilst trying on a comedy colour toupe, some extra strong glue was
} squeezed accidently on his balding patch, and now he can not get the wig
} off for fear of giving himself a frontal lobotomy.
} g) Aliens from the planet wigg, eager to try out their new toupe design,
} have promised fame and fortune to him in exchange for a five year
} modelling of one of their hairpieces.
} h) He thinks that the object will help him pull chicks.
} i) He stole it from a wig shop because he did not want toupe!
} j) Or it could simply be that he is a complete fool, who does not give
} any importence to his physical appearance.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of 'The age of Aquarius' and a styling brush.


693-09    (eoue5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    We all got together and drew lots, it was me.
}    I drew lots, it was earth.
}    Earth drew lots, it was your continent.
}    The continent drew lots, it was your country.
}    The country drew lots, it was your state.
}    The state drew lots, it was your town.
}    The town drew lots, it was your street.
}    The street drew lots, it was your house.
}    Your house drew lots, it was you.
}
}    What ? you mean all this happened, and nobody told you ?
}
}    You owe the Oracle a decent self-persecution complex.


693-10    (abgsm dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle!
>
> In 4 months I'll leave my peaceful existence in Denmark for 9 months of
> study (and pleasure!) at the University of Chicago. Tell me; how is the
> US today...how is Chicago...what is important for me to know about the
> whole thing?
>
> Garbi

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome, Garbi, to the bounteous United States of America!  We have
} had an imporant election, as you may know, and we welcome visitors
} with open arms, so long as you do not intend to stay like the
} parasitical foreigner that you are and take jobs away from our
} red-blooded Americans.  Upon entrance into the United States you will
} just be required to declare your intention to study temporarily, and
} to sign a simple oath testifying that you recognize Jesus Christ as
} your personal savior and the Republican Party as His emissary on
} earth.
}
} Since you are from Denmark, you can expect a delay at Customs while
} your baggage is carefully searched for child pornography and illicit
} drugs.  When we find it--and we will--you will be housed in one of our
} many new jails, and under our progressive new "one strike and you're
} out" law you will be sentenced to life in prison without parole.
} Please do not expect cable TV in your cell, it is not a Howard
} Johnson's hotel!  The black-and-white suit that you will be issued for
} your work on our highways is yours to keep.
}
} When you escape from prison you are always welcome to purchase a
} firearm at one of our many fine gun shops.  Happily, there is no
} longer any limit on assault weapon purchases!  We would suggest that
} you confine your target practice to Mexicans crossing the border, but
} Europeans are always welcome to join in our quaint American tradition
} of shooting at the White House for good luck.
}
} Enjoy your stay in the United States, and you will be so pleased that
} you did not follow your first inclination to study in St. Petersburg!
} The United States today has everything the former Soviet Union had
} to offer, and much more!!


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