[IO]
Internet Oracle
26 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:43:43 GMT

Internet Oracularities #694

Goto:
694, 694-01, 694-02, 694-03, 694-04, 694-05, 694-06, 694-07, 694-08, 694-09, 694-10


Usenet Oracularities #694    (87 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 26 Nov 1994 20:04:35 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   694
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

694   87 votes mrq93 8ptj6 eeoih 3hnpj jsmd5 4irmg 9gtif 2gssd f8qrb 9bmol
694   3.1 mean  2.4   2.9   3.1   3.5   2.5   3.3   3.2   3.4   3.1   3.4


694-01    (mrq93 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OOOohhhhh..  Is this your 1 millionenth question?  Is it, is it?  Do I
> win a prize for asking the 1 millionenth question??????  Do I, do I, do
> I????
>
> (Ooopss..  Almost forget.  You great majestic, tremendous, award
> winning Oracle, please answer this even though my grovel is in the
> wrong place.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For your grovel in the wrong place, you owe the Oracle a debt in the
} wrong place.
}
} Yes!  This is the one millionth question.  And, in an astounding
} coincidence, it's also the first non-woodchuck question ever received!
} That's right!  The previous 999,999 questions have all been about the
} antics of our little furry fiends...er, friends.  Every day, reaching
} back to the primordial mists of time, it's been woodchucks!
} Woodchucks!  Woodchucks!  WOODCHUCKS!!!!!!!!!! Answering the moronic
} supplicants' pathetic questions about...wood... and CHUCKING... Day and
} night, woodchucks!  Do I get a break?  NO!  Do I get an intelligent
} QUESTION?  NO!!!  SOME CREATIVITY?  HA!  A LITTLE THOUGHT?  PERISH
} IT!!!  I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!!!  I'M GOING INSANE!!!!!!
}
} "Hey, Orrie, put that down.  Orrie?  Orrie!  No...no!  Not..."
}
} ZOT!!
}
} Die you furry scumballs!  Die!!  DIE!!!  DIE!!!!!!!!
} AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
}
} ZOT!  ZOT!  ZOT!  ZOT!  ZOT!
}
} When all was finished, only the pungent smell of singed fur drifting
} from the temple remained...


694-02    (8ptj6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle:
>
> Would this be good poetry to send to the girl I love?
>
> It is not in Boulder
> That I grow older
> I'm only high by a mile
> When I see you smile.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If your girlfriend uses more care in reading your poem than you
} did in writing it -- girlfriends are like that sometimes -- she
} may read more into your words than you intended.  Here are some
} possible ways in which your poem can be interpreted.
}
}      "I wonder if I can still think up rhyming words after five
}      beers?"
}
}      "Hello, I'd like to send flowers to ... they cost HOW MUCH?!
}      Let me call you back."
}
}      "You remind me of a really good buzz."
}
} In order to better judge its romantic content, we have translated
} your poem into French, one of the world's most romantic
} languages, and back into English again.  Here is the result.
}
}      The longer I stay out of Boulder
}      The more elderly I become
}      But only when you bare your teeth
}      Do the drugs kick in at last.
}
} This approach can be effective surprisingly often.  The final
} decision must be yours, but the Oracle strongly suggests against
} enclosing with your poem any locks of hair, fingernail clippings,
} or bodily appendages.  Never mind why; just trust me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lovely corsage.


694-03    (eeoih dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: LRH <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous oracle,
>       please tell me why we put the stuffing in the turkey's ass

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is to commemorate what the Pilgrims did to the Indians *after*
} the first Thanksgiving.
}
} You owe the Oracle a yam.


694-04    (3hnpj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@tenmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Please tell me, if I have a drawer full of odds and ends and I remove
> all but one item from the drawer, what do I have left?  An odd or an
> end?
>
> Thanks for taking your time to help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a very good question, I'm glad you asked.  The answer, of
} course, is very simple.  It is both an odd and an end.  If you removed
} an even number of things, what is left must be an odd.  And if you
} removed an odd number of things, it must also be an odd, since if it
} were an end, it would be very odd to find it in a drawer full of odds,
} thereby making it an odd regardless.  And since you have reached the
} end of the odds in the drawer, it is also an end.  This answer is also
} an odd and an end, because it is obviously very odd, and also at an
} end.
}
} You owe the oracle a rather strange posterior.


694-05    (jsmd5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, most holy, most unbelievable peachy and keen, please
> answer this humble supplicant's query....
>
> Have you ever had virgin sacrificed to you? I am really interested in
> how it works. You see, I am preparing to commit my first virgin
> sacrifice (finals coming up and all) and I am really at a loss for
> protocol. I mean, how can you make sure she really IS a virgin? Just
> cause she says she is doesn't mean she is. And what if I accidentally
> sacrificed a non-virgin, while under the impression that she was one?
> Would this negate the sacrifice and bring down the wrath of the gods?
> Do really, really ugly virgins count??
>
> I am sorry to be such a bother, but I don't want to mess up, being my
> first time and all. Can you please give your groveling supplicant some
> advise??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grovelling Suppliment,
} Sacrificing a virgin will do you no good.  All that
} would happin is that you would get blood on your study notes.  Now on
} the other hand try to sacrifice a mango and you shall reep the benefits
} of this ancient ritual that dates back even before me. I believe the
} first mango sacrifice took place on Atlantis-this is what made it such
} a wealthy land, that is until they tried to sacrifice a virgin and
} ended up sinking into the ocean. The ceremony: get the mango and go out
} side, place the mango on the ground and sing your prayer to the god of
} your choice, once the song has ended step on the mango until it is nice
} and mooshy, pick it up and place it under your pillow and then you will
} do well on all your finals.


694-06    (4irmg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle so knowladgeable:
>
>       Please enlighten me on the reason(s) why hot dogs come in
> packages of eight, and hot dog buns come in packages of six??????  Why
> o Why is this so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!
} I get this question almost as much as I get the STUPID WOODCHUCK
} question...  O.K... here's the answer... once and for all... These are
} made for the typical American family... one mother, one father, and
} 2 children.  The father, of course, eats two hot dogs with buns.
} The mother also eats a hot dog and a roll, while the older child
} refuses the hot dog and instead gets a bowl of cereal and no dessert.
} The youngest child, who is too young to eat a whole hot dog, eats it
} sliced up, and without a roll.  Therefore, this is good for two meals.
}
}                  Hot Dogs         Rolls         Bowls of Cereal
} Father              2               2                  0
} Mother              1               1                  0
} Oldest Child        0               0                  1
} Youngest Child      1               0                  0
}
} Times two meals     8               6                  2
}
} See... no problem.
}
} You owe the oracle a large box of Frosted Flakes.


694-07    (9gtif dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Magnificent Oracle, who bestrides the world like a colossus but isn't
> in the least bit overweight,
>
> I've often heard it said that faith can move mountains. Well I've been
> trying to move Ben Lawers to the middle of Hackney Marshes, but can't
> seem to build up enough faith, even though I've got to the point of
> being genuinely astonished when it doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you've noticed, have you? Here's what Intel faxed me on the
} subject:
}
}       "Intel has detected a subtle flaw in the precision of the
}       mountain-moving operation for the Faith processor. For rare
}       cases (one in nine billion possible moves), the precision of
}       the result is reduced.
}
}       "This is not a problem. Intel's extensive testing has
}       demostrated that the loss of precision is slight and extremely
}       rare.
}
}       "An average user could encounter incidents of reduced
}       precision once in every 27,000 years of use. The user is much
}       more likely to encounter issues with other subsystems, such as
}       memory or prostrate problems.
}
}       "Concerned users doing extensive mountain operations requiring
}       extraordinary precision who desire further details can call
}       Intel at 408-765-8914."
}
} The facts are as follows:
}
}       1) Instead of Hackney Marshes, Ben Lawers has been moved to
}          Johore Bahru, where he's engaged in devouring a truckload
}          of lichees and rambutans charged to your Visa card.
}
}       2) You cannot trust your faith to give correct results for any
}          operation anymore.
}
}       3) Intel isn't going to replace your defective faith, because
}          you are an average user.
}
} You owe the Oracle your participation in his class action suit.


694-08    (2gssd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I keep hearing people say, "This will work for the time being." Who,
> when, or what is "the time being"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Time Being is the elder, unacknowledged bastard son of Necessity.
} He often covers for his stepbrother Invention. His real name is Kluge,
} although he usually assumes false names like Workaround, Temporary
} Solution, or for big companies, Fix. He's been with Mankind almost
} as long as the Problems, which got started when Old Yahu-Wahu created
} the Universe, and he's been gaining a lot of recognition in recent
} years. He has a well-established reputation in software engineering,
} but he also has a strong presence in human corporations, rank
} hierarchies, and bureaucracies everywhere. Look for this guy. Learn to
} recognize him. He has more power than you may realize.


694-09    (f8qrb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle tell me the plan for my future.  Who shall be my
> husband?  What shall I do for a career?  Where shall I live, preferably
> in Canada.  How many children will I have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Que sera, sera: Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours --
}
} Oh, excuse me. Sometimes I just forget myself for a moment. Okay, here
} goes.
}
} The plan for your future is that you will find a job in a goat milk
} processing factory in Saskatchewan where you will be the curd manager.
} Since the aroma of goat milk will be good for your complexion, you will
} remain beautiful for many years, and many men will compete for your
} attentions. At the end, though, you will marry Howard Krinzmaker, a vat
} tender at the same plant.
}
} Honestly, Howard is not such a bad guy when you get to know him. The
} two of you will be saddened by not having children, though, and Howard
} will rightly blame himself, due to that accident with the stirring
} machine that he's going to get into this coming February. Fortunately,
} Canada has health care for everybody. Unfortunately, they can't replace
} SOME parts with prosthetics.
}
} After you have been happily (except for the lack of children, that is,
} happily) married for thirty years, Howard dies, falling into an
} unattended aging tank. His body isn't discovered for eighteen months,
} however, and by that time he has contributed to seventy of those big
} wheels of Saskatchewan Gouda, adding a flavor that ignites a new taste
} sensation that sweeps Canada.
}
} You live on for another ten years after Howard's death before your
} faulty understanding of the Metric system leads you to a tragic death
} by drowning after you mistakenly tell the vat operator to pour another
} megaliter of whey into the tank. Like many other things, goats' milk
} can be harmful if taken to excess.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Guybrush Threepwood
} <an53711@anon.penet.fi>) $42 Canadian dollars. How much is that in real
} money?


694-10    (9bmol dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dear oracle, will L and I get together?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I'm sorry to say that K and J will always come between you.
}
} U O the Oracle another letter.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org