} Suplicant, suplicant suplicant. Obligatory grovel is not enough!
} Would it be ok if, at Thanksgiving Dinner, you had said "Obligatory
} Grace?" I think not.
} In order to understand the concept behind these cereals, one must enter
} the mind of a Kelloggs executive....
} Executive: You know, I need a raise. The kids want to go to see OJ
} Simpson's house in Los Angeles, and I just don't have enough cash to
} rent out a private jet for the weekend. And I need to hire extra
} security guards to keep that Ralph Nader guy out of our Frosted Flake
} Frosters sweatshop. God help us if he finds out what we do to those
} guys. So what to do....
} <Executive picks up carphone, calls his secretary>
} Secretary: Kelloggs Corp, Grain for your Brain. Can I help you?
} Exec: Denise, do I have any messages?
} Secy: Oh, Mr. Kevorkian...well, your plumber called, and said your hot
} tub will need to be replaced because all the beer you filled it with
} had ruined the jets, and a guy named Phil M. Everything-Nabisco called.
} Exec, <with a note of thrill in his voice>: Yessss! Thanks, Denise.
} <Punches in Phil's number>
} Phil: Uh, hullo?
} Exec: Phil? Bill Kevorkian here, you called?
} Phil: Those Nabisco guys caught us. They've threatened to expose us
} for grinding up 19 year old college students to put in Product 19 (why
} do you think it's called that, anyway) and for grinding up slower
} kindergraten students to put in Special K.
} Exec: Gasp! Our business will be ruined! If we had to use real
} ingredients, we'd be.....gulp...NATURAL!
} Phil: That's what they're saying.
} Exec: Tell them we know what those black spots are in Cookie Crisp
} <evil laugh>.
} Phil: They don't care anymore. They demand that we stop, or they're
} going to start using super-addictive sugar in their cereals, and
} introduce a new one....Triscuits Cereal!
} Exec: AIGH! Everyone loves Triscuits! Well, we can't back down from
} Special K and Product 19. We'll just have to be more covert. Thanks
} <Executive dials a few more numbers>
} Secy: Kelloggs Corp, Insane in the Membrane, Insane into Grain. Can I
} help you?
} Exec: Denise, connect me to the lab.
} Doctor: Kelloggs Lab. Dr. Spock here.
} Exec: Spock, it's Bill. I need that super-sugar, and I need it now.
} Our cereal business is gonna go down the toilet if I don't get it now.
} Doctor: Well Bill, there's a problem. It only seems to work with Pop
} Tarts and Rice Krispie Treats...we hide it in the glue that holds the
} ingredients together. Kids that eat them wind up cooing in a corner
} after 5 bowls, though. It's great stuff.
} Exec: Spock...I don't care what it takes, but make those into a
} Spock: How?
} Exec: Call the Frosted Flakes Sweatshop, and see if they can get some
} guys on reducing full size Krispie Treats and Pop Tarts to cereal size
} using that nuclear radiation treatment we bought from the Energy
} Department. (Isn't the Peace Dividend great?) Oh, and Spock, lets not
} make any more Special K or Product 19 for a while. Go imprision a few
} more of those California Raisin freaks instead.
} Spock: Understood, thanks.
} <Hangs up>
} Exec: Whew, I earned my raise today. Off to the Mezzaluna I go....
} There, supplicant, you see? An innocent question....but so many evils
} behind the scenes.
} You owe the Oracle a box of 100% Jimmy Hoffa Flakes.