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Internet Oracularities #695

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Usenet Oracularities #695    (82 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 1994 17:28:13 -0500

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695   82 votes fhpg9 oleh6 bbjpg fejhh hwl93 6jric 9gmnc 5hxk7 fkvb5 bnpad
695   2.9 mean  2.8   2.5   3.3   3.1   2.4   3.1   3.2   3.1   2.6   2.9


695-01    (fhpg9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> other planets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No thanks, I've had 4 already.


695-02    (oleh6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, wise in countless ways, please tell me how the moon was
> created.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O lunar supplicant,
}
} I haven't told anyone (except my Oracular buddies, of course) about
} this.  But MAN are those scientists gonna be surprised!  This answer
} will change the way people look at reality!  And it even makes sense!
}                  ___________________________
} Anyway, the luna/****************************\killed everyone and it
} was really scar/******************************\urs were smashed up by
} huge gravitati/********************************\the messangers of doom
} /~~~~~~~~~~~~WE APOLLOGEYEZ FOR THIS INTERUPSHUN~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
}
} THE UNITID STATE SENAT HAS APRROVVED THE US OF FORIGN-BOUGT DAIPERS FOR
} DAMPNISS CONTROLE OF YUNG JOOVINILES MAINTTAINED BY GOVERNMINT
} EMPLOYEES
}
} THIS HAS BIN A GOVERNMINT-SPONSERED INNTTERRUPPTTION.  WEE NOW RETURN
} YOU TO YOU'RE REGULARLYE SCHEJULED ORACULARITEE.
}
}                                               --DAN QUAYLE
} \___________________________________________________________________/
}
} And now you know.  Spread the word!  You may even win a Nobel!
}
} You owe the Oracle Dan Quayle's head on a pike.


695-03    (bbjpg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the net called internet and not undernet.
>
> quit.
>
> *********************************
> Mail: xxxxx,xxxxxxxx@xxx.dk
> Name  xxxxx xxxxxxxx.
> Street xxxxxxxx xxxx xxx.
> P.O xxxx Xxxxxxxx.
> Country Denmark.
> Voice +45 xxxxxxxx.
> *********************************
> [Priest's note: I didn't want to edit it, but I thought I'd better]
>
> ***********^]'.^F
> ---
> ^]fS CmpQwk #UNREG^]fS UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      [Here. I'll keep him busy while you dispatch the agents.
}      I'll stall him as long as I can.]
}
} Well, it's like this. Have you ever looked at a net? It's mostly
} made up of a lot of holes. That's right -- a net is really more
} _nothing_ than _something_. That goes for webs as well as nets, so you
} can save that question.
}
} Now, let's look at some sample words that begin with either inter- or
} under-, shall we?
}
} The funeral is just an INTERlude before the UNDERtaker leaves the corpse
} UNDERground for INTERment.
}
} An INTERview may be INTEResting, but if it's not UNDERstandable, it's
} INTERminable.
}
} If an UNDERgraduate has INTERcourse with an UNDERachiever, the
} INTERposition and INTERplay are best seen from UNDERneath the
} UNDERbelly.
}
} As you can see, inter- words are used for things that are, basically
} useful or long lasting, or both. Under- words, on the other hand, are
} used for things that we mostly want to forget about. And, furthermore --
}
}      [Suddenly, two agents of the Oracular Software Licensing Authority
}      burst into the room and confront the supplicant, who cowers in
}      surprise and fear.]
}
} Agent Mulder: Okay, Chief, we've got him.
}
} Agent Scully: All right, supplicant. You are being charged with
} knowingly using an UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY of your software. How do
} you plead?
}
} Supplicant: I didn't do anything wrong. I'm innocent!
}
} Mulder: Hmm. He looks like he means it.
}
} Scully: When are you going to stop getting taken in by appearances?
}
} Supplicant: Haven't I seen you two on TV somewhere?
}
} Mulder: No.
}
} Scully: What you say we take him somewhere and beat him with a FAQ until
} he confesses?
}
} Mulder: We could just flame him.
}
} Scully: Or maybe he could be spammed into --
}
} Supplicant: I confess! I confess! I really did know that it was an
} UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY, but I just couldn't help myself. It's a
} shortcoming of my inability to use computers properly; I don't know how
} to properly end my e-mail messages. My .signature file is too long and
} it's corrupt, too. My e-mail address even has a comma in it. AND I can't
} put a question mark at the end of my questions. See.
}
} Scully: Mulder, this guy's pretty pathetic. Let's just leave him here
} with his 300 baud modem. That's punishment enough.
}
} Mulder: I feel we should ask for something more.
}
} Oracle: I can handle that. I need to re-furnish my office. Supplicant,
} you owe the Oracle some of that Danish Modern furniture. Can you get me
} some of those really cool-looking chairs?


695-04    (fejhh dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
> [obligatory grovel], what's the deal with pop tarts cereal? and rice
> krispies treats cereal?
> Your Humble Supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Suplicant, suplicant suplicant.  Obligatory grovel is not enough!
} Would it be ok if, at Thanksgiving Dinner, you had said "Obligatory
} Grace?"  I think not.
}
} ZOT!
}
} In order to understand the concept behind these cereals, one must enter
} the mind of a Kelloggs executive....
}
} Executive:  You know, I need a raise.  The kids want to go to see OJ
} Simpson's house in Los Angeles, and I just don't have enough cash to
} rent out a private jet for the weekend.  And I need to hire extra
} security guards to keep that Ralph Nader guy out of our Frosted Flake
} Frosters sweatshop.  God help us if he finds out what we do to those
} guys. So what to do....
}
} <Executive picks up carphone, calls his secretary>
}
} Secretary: Kelloggs Corp, Grain for your Brain.  Can I help you?
} Exec:  Denise, do I have any messages?
} Secy:  Oh, Mr. Kevorkian...well, your plumber called, and said your hot
} tub will need to be replaced because all the beer you filled it with
} had ruined the jets, and a guy named Phil M. Everything-Nabisco called.
} Exec, <with a note of thrill in his voice>: Yessss!  Thanks, Denise.
}
} <Punches in Phil's number>
}
} Phil: Uh, hullo?
} Exec:  Phil?  Bill Kevorkian here, you called?
} Phil: Those Nabisco guys caught us.  They've threatened to expose us
} for grinding up 19 year old college students to put in Product 19 (why
} do you think it's called that, anyway) and for grinding up slower
} kindergraten students to put in Special K.
} Exec: Gasp!  Our business will be ruined!  If we had to use real
} ingredients, we'd be.....gulp...NATURAL!
} Phil:  That's what they're saying.
} Exec:  Tell them we know what those black spots are in Cookie Crisp
} <evil laugh>.
} Phil:  They don't care anymore.  They demand that we stop, or they're
} going to start using super-addictive sugar in their cereals, and
} introduce a new one....Triscuits Cereal!
} Exec:  AIGH!  Everyone loves Triscuits!  Well, we can't back down from
} Special K and Product 19.  We'll just have to be more covert.  Thanks
} Phil.
}
} <Executive dials a few more numbers>
}
} Secy:  Kelloggs Corp, Insane in the Membrane, Insane into Grain.  Can I
} help you?
} Exec:  Denise, connect me to the lab.
} <Ring>
} Doctor:  Kelloggs Lab.  Dr. Spock here.
} Exec:  Spock, it's Bill.  I need that super-sugar, and I need it now.
} Our cereal business is gonna go down the toilet if I don't get it now.
} Doctor:  Well Bill, there's a problem.  It only seems to work with Pop
} Tarts and Rice Krispie Treats...we hide it in the glue that holds the
} ingredients together.  Kids that eat them wind up cooing in a corner
} after 5 bowls, though.  It's great stuff.
} Exec:  Spock...I don't care what it takes, but make those into a
} cereal.
} Spock:  How?
} Exec:  Call the Frosted Flakes Sweatshop, and see if they can get some
} guys on reducing full size Krispie Treats and Pop Tarts to cereal size
} using that nuclear radiation treatment we bought from the Energy
} Department. (Isn't the Peace Dividend great?)  Oh, and Spock, lets not
} make any more Special K or Product 19 for a while.  Go imprision a few
} more of those California Raisin freaks instead.
} Spock:  Understood, thanks.
}
} <Hangs up>
}
} Exec:  Whew, I earned my raise today.  Off to the Mezzaluna I go....
}
} There, supplicant, you see?  An innocent question....but so many evils
} behind the scenes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of 100% Jimmy Hoffa Flakes.


695-05    (hwl93 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does everyone around here MUD so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are four main reasons why playing Multi-user Dungeons has
} grown so common among college-age youth.  Here, the Oracle presents
} them in increasing importance:
}
} 1)  Approximately 10% of the population contains a subtle genetic
} flaw which prevents their bodies from producing a valuable endorphin.
} This endorphin, however, can be produced by certain programmed
} behavior, which includes reading the text phrases
} "Levellllllllll!!!!!!" and "Anyone want to take me to the Drow City?"
}
} 2)  With the collapse of the Soviet Union and the end of the Cold War,
} youth have found a need to find enemies to replace them.  For some as
} yet unexplained reason (the Oracle knows, but I'm not saying), Beastly
} Fidos fill this deep-seated psychological urge.
}
} 3)  Most Mudders would be the segment of the population with no
} friends, no social life, and no activities.  Mudding is the first
} chance in human history this class has had to perform social
} activities, such as they are.  The remaining Mudders are those who have
} always done what everyone else is doing.
}
} 4)  Most importantly, most people mud because they are only a few
} points away from leveling.
}
} You owe the Oracle a working version of Epic's code.


695-06    (6jric dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle of time and space,
>
> Being a humble student of Judeo-Christian values (and of the local
> community college) I need some information for an article I'm writing.
> Could you tell me if God is on the internet?  An e-mail address would
> also help if available.
>
> Your devoted fan and dedicated servant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are several email addresses you might try.
}
} god@heaven.org
} The Big Guy Himself
}
} christ@inri.cross.org
} His son
}
} jhchrist@harley-davison.com
} "JHC on a Harley"
}
} holyghost@dockmaster.ncsc.mil
} Yet another spook
}
} pope@vatican.gov
} Mr. Funny Hat himself
}
} pope@popeyes.com
} That's "Pope Yes" (not "pop-eyes"), as in "Pope Yes Chicken," the chain
} of Catholic fast-food restaurants
}
} satan@hell.org
} You know who
}
} bgates@microsoft.com
} Alternate address for you know who


695-07    (9gmnc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear almighty,
>
>      what will I get during Xmas holidays? Have I been evil or good
> this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, at least you won't get coal. In fact, you can rest assured that
} no naughty kid need ever get coal in his stocking again. Santa's
} finally becoming environmentally conscious.
}
} As global warming is threatening to melt the Northern ice cap and dump
} the Santa Claus estate in the sea, fossil fuels have been banned at the
} North Pole. The energy that runs the industrial facilities today is
} produced by an obsolete former Soviet nuclear plant, transported to the
} Pole and refurbished in a magical engineering project of an
} unprecedented magnitude.
}
} For four months, nearly two thousand reindeers were flying three round
} trips a day between the Pole and Novaya Zemlya. The endeavour claimed
} at least ninety lives, not counting the suicide team that had the task
} of transporting the radioactive reactor core. The core is so massive
} that proper shielding would have made it impossible for the overworked
} standard reindeers to lift, and the ten special heavy-duty lifting
} reindeers were on the other side of the world at the time, mining crude
} uranium at a secret Australian site. Any delay would have put the
} entire operation at risk of detection by Russian officials, so the
} Chief Engineer in charge, Colonel Twitchy, decided to transport the
} component unshielded.
}
} The fourteen brave volunteers selected for the task perished to the
} last elf, and their names are forever engraved in the ice shielding of
} the reactor core that their heroic sacrifice brought home, the reactor
} core that is even now churning out fourteen hundred megawatts of
} much-needed power without the backstab of global warming. Clean power,
} power to produce the goods -- the Christmas presents that keep every
} child and childish-minded adult in the world from being bad!
}
} Yes, it's no more coal from Santa! From this year on, naughty kids will
} get enriched-uranium fuel pellets in their stockings.
}
} I have been in communication with Mr. Claus regarding the possible
} long-term consequences of such an arrangement, but he has refused to
} listen to me, saying: "This is what we've always done with the naughty
} ones. Originally we gave wood, then we gave coal. Now we give enriched
} uranium. Changing the technology isn't going to change the principle."
}
} We shall see. I shudder to imagine a future where employing naughty
} children would be a competitive advantage for nuclear power companies.


695-08    (5hxk7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around will it make any
> sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O most unhumble fool of a supplicant:
}
} Trees that fall alone in the forest will make varying sounds depending
} on the circumstances of the fall.  In most cases, the fall is of
} the accidental, stumbling variety, in which case said tree will
} generally breathe a sigh of relief because no one saw it happen.
} Sometimes the fall is of the premature pratfall variety (cf. Gerald
} Ford, Chevy Chase) in which case the resultant sigh will be of a more
} wistful nature, since nobody was around to be amused.  Still other
} falls are due to age and its attendant illnesses and infirmities, in
} which case the tree in question will exclaim something on the order of
} "I've fallen and I can't get up."
}
} Of course, nobody's around, and if they were, they wouldn't speak tree,
} so the oak or what-have-you generally dies a lone and solitary death.
} Trees being what they are, assistance from other trees is limited to
} moral support.  Don't ever ask this question again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shrubbery.


695-09    (fkvb5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Dreamchild" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Was Schumacher guilty in the incident at the grand prix in Australia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, great.  Just great.  I go from Font Of Wisdom to courtroom bookie.
} While you're at it, why don't you just go ahead and ask The Great
} Oracle if OJ is really guilty or not?  (answer: guilty as sin).  Okay,
} to your question...
}
} Let's look at the accused's name, shall we?  Schumacher is clearly
} German of origin, and we know that all Germans are guilty.  Well, they
} used to be, anyway.  I mean, first you had World War I, and then WWII,
} and you had people with obviosuly German names like Colonel Klink
} running around doing all sorts of evil things.  Heck, it was easy to be
} a Oracle back then.  Well, anyway, then the end of WWII came along, and
} you had your East Germans, who were part of the Evil Empire (read:
} bad), and you had the West Germans, who were part of NATO (read: good).
}  Given that, I would have to summon forth my powers to figure out if
} Schuaacher was a EAST German or WEST German name, and then you had your
} answer.  But now the Wall is down, and Germany is reunified, and all of
} Germany is our goodest and bestest buddy now.  The answer should be
} simple, no?  But this is where it gets tricky!  There are plenty of
} Evil Good Germans, like Neo-Nazis.  Or, maybe, just maybe, Schumacher
} is just a Polish name pretending to be German.  Why, this could all be
} a far-reaching plot to cover up the OJ trial!  I'm gonna have to call
} in a couple of favors on this one and get back to you.  Something
} smells funny about this Schuamcher/Australia/Grand Prix thing.
}
} You really want a answer?  Okay....best I could say is: Wait for the
} movie.


695-10    (bnpad dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last Christmas season, my four-year old daughter asked me "What is the
> difference between baby Jesus and regular Jesus?" I didn't know and now
> Christmas is coming up again. What shall I tell here most wise one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The grown-up Jesus walked on the sea of Galilee,
} the baby Jesus filled his diapers with pee.
}
} Big Jesus raised the dead and cured the deaf,
} Baby Jesus raised the roof with deafening cries.
}
} Jesus the man prayed this cup would pass from his lips,
} Jesus the babe drank his fill from Mary's tits.
}
} Older Jesus preached the Sermon on the Mount,
} Newborn Jesus grunted, pewled, and burped.
}
} Shocking heresy?
} to be a man, He had first to be a babe,
} lest all else be done in vain.
}
} You owe the Oracle, so please don't ask
} what Jesus did at age sixteen.


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