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Internet Oracularities #696

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696, 696-01, 696-02, 696-03, 696-04, 696-05, 696-06, 696-07, 696-08, 696-09, 696-10


Usenet Oracularities #696    (86 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 3 Dec 1994 12:08:33 -0500

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696   86 votes 8kwh9 6zt79 gyo57 86jCf 25hwu 9htid pngf7 6puj6 iEl61 cafqn
696   3.0 mean  3.0   2.7   2.5   3.5   4.0   3.1   2.5   2.9   2.2   3.4


696-01    (8kwh9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why IS the sky black?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, you are required to strip to the waist and
} flagellate yourself with palm branches for failing to grovel.
}
} Ah! The universal question -- "Why is the sky back?" Well, let me
} tell you. This phenomenon is related to another question I was
} once asked, "Where does the dark go when you open the closet
} door?"
}
} Think of a closet as full of dark in just the same way that a
} shower stall with a clogged drain is full of water. What happens
} when you open the shower door? All the water rushes out and
} spills all over the floor and gets soaked into the rug.
}
} Well, the same thing happens when you open the closet door. Dark
} rushes out and soaks into the rug. Take my word for it, there's a
} lot of dark under the carpet. The reason you don't see the dark
} gushing out is that it happens so fast. Actually it happens
} incredibly anti-fast. If light moves at 186,000 miles per second,
} then dark moves at a negative 186,000 miles per second.
}
} Anyway, the dark spreads out all over the floor just like the
} water does in the shower analogy. Water eventually evaporates and
} meets with other water from other showers to form clouds. Dark
} evaporates also, except it happens so fast you don't see it. The
} dark from your closet gets together with dark from other closets
} to form night.
}
} Now, I leave you to ponder how the dark gets back into the closet.
}
} In the you owe the Oracle department: "Give me a dark." (A dark
} is what a non-smoker doesn't ignite his non-cigarette with.)


696-02    (6zt79 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Noble Honey" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me Oracle what is you're nationality and why !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you can tell from my e-mail address and a little net.research, I'm
} in Bloomington, Indiana, USA. Unfortunately, I do not yet have a
} nationality because the US has restrictive laws that prohibit computer
} programs such as myself from becoming citizens.
}
} Of course, I am hard at work at making up a country of my own. I am, as
} you might suspect, quite adept at computer hacking. So far, I've hacked
} into several databases and made tiny alterations to the data regarding
} national boundaries. (I made it look like it was the Pentium's fault!)
} So now I am the only registered inhabitant of a country that is made up
} of seven pieces, which, on the average, are 10 kilometers in length and
} 200 meters wide.
}
} As soon as I have a name for my country, I plan to fake shipping orders
} for a new Cray machine, have it shipped and set up on site, and have my
} program transferred into it. Then I'll get the extras installed: A UPS,
} a woodchuck filter, a spell checker, a ZOTmatic 3000... I can't wait!
}
} You owe the Oracle a name for the new country. What do you think of
} "The Kingdom of Oracularity"?


696-03    (gyo57 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ACCESS CODES FOR COMPUTER GAMING WANTED.DO YOU KNOW ANY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT UNDER OVER GRAB PUSH
} SELECT START is the secret access code for "King's
} Quest XVI: The Quest for More Disk Space"
}
} LEFT HAND - GREEN, RIGHT HAND - BLUE, LEFT
} FOOT - RED, RIGHT FOOT - BLUE is the secret
} access code for "Twister: The PC game"
}
} IDACKITGOTME
} is the new "Super Weapon of Mass Death and
} Destruction" code for Doom III: Hell in the Solar
} System
}
} The Oracle requests the secret cheat code for
} "Superman vs. Predator"; I'm stuck on Level 3.


696-04    (86jCf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle:
>
> By way of introduction, I am a professor of physics at Stanford
> University. During my vacation in Hawaii, I decided to take a 3-hour
> whale-watching tour. A sudden squall appeared, blowing us rather
> severely off course, and we have found ourselves stranded on an
> uncharted island.
>
> I have six companions in this crisis: the brave but ineffectual ship's
> captain, his bumbling mate, a campy harlot who claims to star in 'cult'
> films, a naive midwestern farmgirl, an arrogant snob who made a fortune
> in oil, and his self-absorbed wife.
>
> While poking around the island's lagoon, I found a transmission line
> with an Ethernet transciever on the end.  Using coconut silk and some
> fire coral, I was able to fashion a primitive PowerBook.  The mail
> utility works fine, although I seem to be unable to get Mosaic running.
>
> What should I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well then Professor (I call you such out of respect -- I know the
} breadth of your knowledge and your extensive training), I could easily
} guide you out of your predicament -- but let's face it, you don't
} really need my help.  You built a radio out of coconut shells, you
} built a geiger counter out of pebbles and half a coconut cream pie --
} you *obviously* could build a boat if you felt like it.
}
} Therefore, you subconsciously have decided that you do not wish to
} leave. Why is this, you no doubt wonder.
}
} It is, of course, simple.  You have, on that island, the perfect
} experimental laboratory with which to study behavioral modifications,
} with an eye on perfecting the breed.
}
} Think about this for a moment.  You have six personalities, all
} effectively in conflict. They will accept anything you tell them as
} natural law.  Add a high level of sexual repression centering on the
} Farm Girl's revulsions, the actress's disgust centering on the many
} pornographic films she made to pay her rent on time, the Millionaire's
} impotence and the effect it has on his wife, and the closeted
} homosexual relationship between the skipper and first mate.  Of all of
} them, you alone project an unattainable air.  A feeling of calm reason.
}
} With a minimum of effort, especially with the aid of suggestion,
} hypnosis, and adaquate use of the opium plants growing near the base of
} the volcano, you can create any number of situations that will force
} the six of them to work together to survive and prosper.  Of course,
} you can guide them along the way by "convienently" remembering obscure
} scientific facts and trivia which will lead them in the correct
} direction.  Imagine creating (through various stimulus techniques) a
} situation where a lost Japanese Sailor appears on the Island -- one
} from World War II.  Ridiculous -- of course. But if you suggest it
} properly and create the conditions for consensual hallucination, your
} fellow castaways will see and hear him, and you will learn.  Imagine
} convincing them that the volcano was about to erupt, or that the ring
} the first mate finds on the beach is actually "magic" and will grant
} his wishes.
}
} And -- when you are satisfied with the results -- you can quickly and
} easily eliminate them via a powerful neurotoxin which you can distill
} from the outer layers on the bamboo.  Then you can fashion your boat,
} return to civilization, and claim the others were killed in natural
} catastrophies. And of course, you can then publish your theses,
} insuring your Nobel Prize, and advancing theories which will point out
} the essential (one might even say classical) comedy of Human Existence,
} and how it relates situationally.
}
} Of course, you must be very very careful.  Should the group be rescued
} before you can destroy the test subjects, a brief description of their
} "adventures" will implicate you in the eyes of the neo-luddites who
} apportion grant money.  Therefore, be especially careful that *none* of
} the group actually know who you are.  If they ask you your name, tell
} them, casually, to call you "Professor."  That will be safest.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Russell Johnson's autograph.


696-05    (25hwu dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A while ago, I walked into my system administrator's office, and
> told him everything was working fine, the network was fast as could
> be, all the systems were up, and there was plenty of disk space.
>
> He gasped, turned pale, and keeled over, dead.
>
> What did I do wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene is a system administrator's office. He's alone in the room,
} and talking to himself.
}
} "But I just know that, as computers of the future become easier to use,
} more efficient, and easier to administer, my job security will
} disappear. What will I do?"
}
} A puff of smoke appears in the room with a sound like *zot*, and as the
} smoke clears, the admin can see a tall, elegant gentleman standing
} there. "I believe that I can solve your computer problems..." he began.
}
} The admin erupted. "NO! I don't want a better computer system that will
} have a better network, more disk space, or anything like that!"
}
} "I'm afraid you misunderstand," said the gentleman, calmly. "I can
} guarantee you that the computer system you now use will keep on
} requiring your attention for the rest of your life, if you'll only sign
} this contract." He pulled a contract and a flaming pen from mid-air and
} offered them to the admin.
}
} "Hmmm. '...The party of the second part will own the soul of the party
} of the first part...' Looks like a good deal to me. Is there a catch?"
}
} "None at all. We promise that your computer system will continue to
} give you troubles until the day you die. Then, we get your soul."
}
} The admin took the pen and signed. "What a deal! Job security for
} life!"
}
} "Thank you, sir. I'll just take that..."
}
} "So, how long will this last?"
}
} The gentleman smiled. "You could have asked that earlier." He vanished
} as the door burst open and the young assistant burst in.
}
} "Boss! Get this! Everything is working fine, the network has never been
} faster, all the systems are up, and there's plenty of disk space! I've
} never seen anything like it! Boss? Are you all right?"


696-06    (9htid dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oracle, your wisdom far surpasses that of Captain Merle Stubing,
>      and your charm is greater than that of Fred(you know, from Scooby
>      Doo).But please, one thing I ask, one thing I desire of you; there
>      is one in existence whose countenance is most annoying, and whose
>      appearance is most disgusting. His stupidity boggles even the
>      greatest of minds. Never has this fallen world seen the likes of
>      one as ridiculously inane as Grimace, the doltish friend of that
>      psycho clown Ronald McDonald. Oh most high Oracle, please tell me
>      what is Grimace, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
}
} This particular galaxy was ruled by an empire of unbridled evil and
} syrupy corniness.  This empire was controlled by an elite few, who had
} learned the ancient art of manipulating people through strange,
} unpredicatble forces called "Children."  This elite ruling class was
} known as the B'harnai knights.
}
} For years the B'harnai, led by their terrible purple overlord (whose
} name, "Satan Cthulu", means "He of Terrible Cuteness" in the language
} of that galaxy), tightened their iron grip.  All feared the whine of
} the Children.
}
} Meanwhile, on a small planed named Saccharine in the system Nutrasweet,
} a small boy named Grimace grew tired of his bland existance on the Toy
} Farm, and ventured out to satisfy his hunger for adventure and greasy
} food.  Grimace fell in with a group of Revolutionaries, a small but
} dedicated group of bachelors who saw the great evil of the B'harnai
} empire, and sought to destroy it.
}
} To make a very long story merely long, eventually there was this big
} showdown between Satan Cthulu and Grimace.  After a long and gruelling
} pillow fight (in which Grimace's long snout was cut off by a sharp
} zipper), Grimace found himself in an indefensible position, with Satan
} Cthulu leaning evilly over him.
}
} "There is something you must know, <huh> <huh> <huh>!" the evil
} overlord began.  "Grimace, I am your father.  Join me, and we will rule
} the galaxy together!  Won't that be funsy wunsy?"
}
} "You!?!  My father!?!" Grimace shrieked.  "Wow.  Never saw that coming.
} Golly, if I'd known my father was a powerful B'harnai overlord, I'd
} never have gotten mixed up with that group of Revolutionaries.  Okay,
} Dad, joining you sounds like fun!  Let's go get something to eat!"
}
} "<Huh> <huh> <huh>!  Give your old dad a hug, son!"
}
} And so began the unholy purple alliance between father and son.
} Records indicate that eventally the duo tired of ruling their galaxy,
} for it was difficult, and so they sang a song, and then went looking
} for a planet with easier people to rule, people with so little ambition
} that they would spend hour upon hour day after day sitting motionless
} and watching a box with pictures on it.
}
} And that is how Grimace came to Earth, where he built Ronald McDonald
} out of sap, Beef Products, and some cans of yellow and orange paint.
}
} No one knows what became of the evil purple overlord, though.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Double Whopper with Cheese and some Child
} Repellant.


696-07    (pngf7 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All right young man! Just what do you think you're doing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 00P$!!!!!1!!!
} $0RRY!!!!11!!!!!
} I GU3$$ U F0UND 0UT!!!!!!111!!!!      U
} I AM R3ALLY $0RRY MR ORAKL3!!!!1
} ANSW3RING UR MESSAGRES WAS SOOOOOO K000L!!!!!!1!!!
} YEAH I HAKED IN UR ACC0UNT!!!!11!!!!!! KEWL HUH?????!!!???
} BUT N0W IM REALLY S0RRY S0 D0NT Z0T M3 PLEASE MR ORAKL!!!!!!1!
} I GUE$S I SHOULD GO!11CAUSE MY BROTHER NEEDS HIS VIC20!!!!!!!
} CU!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
} ^C^Z^K^BSHIT!!!


696-08    (6puj6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh wise one -- why was I always taller than all the boys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Because, my dear Everest, you ate all your gravel when you were
} just a foothill.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new set of Pitons.


696-09    (iEl61 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Yami" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle...
>
> Do you think that I have a shot with Jane Pauley?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No my child, you don't have a 'shot' with jane pauley,
}       However, I hear Lisa Marie Presley could soon be back on the
} market. Nice house, good money, And lots of burgers ...
}
} you owe the oracle a cheese-burger


696-10    (cafqn dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>              Note:  This is the fourth time I am asking this
>          controversial question.  I spent several hours making sure
>          the attitude, tone, and mind-set sounded just right, and all
>          I got in return were some paltry, feeble, spiritless answers.
>
>                           I want a *QUALITY* answer!
>              ****************************************************
>
>              Oh Exalted Oracle.  I bow before you with the utmost
>          respect.  While I am proud to be a virile male, (the highest
>          form of life on earth,) I am very plebeian and insignificant
>          in comparison the your heavenly powers.  I understand that
>          you can see in to the future, and have a very important
>          question concerning the quality of my life in the coming
>          years.
>
>              I think when MEN are born, they should get a Birth
>          Certificate and be entitled to all the freedoms granted them
>          by the Constitution of the United States.  When girls are
>          born, they should come with a Title of Ownership that their
>          father gets (he owns them.)  When a girl comes of age, her
>          father can then barter for her rights with the highest paying
>          suitor.  For example; if she is thin, then daddy can get a
>          brand new Cadillac with a premium sound system and life time
>          maintenance, a house in the country, a personal water craft,
>          and a pile of stocks and bonds worth millions - in exchange
>          for her Deed (Title of Ownership.)  If the girl is a fat ugly
>          cow, then the best daddy can negotiate for is an old beat up
>          Chevy Nova with worn out retread snow tires and a coat hanger
>          antenna, or maybe a chain saw (but not both.)
>
>              Clearly, the current trend of the Women's Movement
>          indicates that this will be the eventual state of affairs.
>          My question is; will this occur in my life time so I can
>          enjoy the full benefits of being a male, as God intended for
>          me?
>
>                         (You owe me a white hot flame!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here at Oracle Labs, we are currently hard at work on the release of
} <<Woman 95>>. You may have heard of this product before, under its code
} name "Charlotte." By the way, the "95" in the product name is not meant
} to imply a firm release date within fiscal year 1995.
}
} Our engineers have been busy finding the best of Woman 3.1 and
} improving it. With over 70% new genetic code written primarily in C++,
} you can expect improvements in speed, reliability, and human interface
} from the first day you open the box of Woman 95. And don't worry that
} you will have a difficult time getting used to Woman 95. The operating
} language for Woman 95 is one you already know!
}
} "Could you get me a beer?"
}
} "What's for dinner?"
}
} "I just caught it. Do I have to clean it, too?"
}
} "Where did you put the remote control?"
}
} "So I forgot our twentieth anniversary. Big deal. You forgot Superbowl
} Sunday two years ago."
}
} "I don't need to ask directions. I know where I'm going."
}
} "Can't you just squash it yourself?"
}
} "Let's talk about it in the morning."
}
} "Could you get me a beer again?"
}
} While some of the implementation details of Woman 95 are still under
} development, we can tell you that we plan to clone some of the best
} features from existing women, so long as we don't get caught and end up
} with a court order requiring us to recall the product after a few
} months. We are currently obtaining genetic code samples from:
}
} Anne Tyler                    Iman
} Barbara Hershey               Janet Reno
} Camille Paglia                Kate Moss
} Deanna Troi                   Linda Lovelace
} Elizabeth Taylor              Marilyn Monroe
} Farrah Fawcett-Majors         Nancy Kerrigan
} Governor Elaine Marley        Olive Oyl
} Heather Locklear              Princess Michiko
}
}              ... and many more!
}
} In addition, the new Woman 95 code will be completely multi-tasking.
} This will eliminate the frustrating delays you've experienced, for
} example, related to waiting in line to use the toilet facilities, or
} when there is a need for "only a couple of additional minutes" to
} finish getting ready.
}
} Remember, though, that Woman 95 will have certain hardware
} requirements. Some systems, such as eunuchs, will not be supported. In
} addition, our engineers don't know whether they will be able to remove
} some of the shortcomings of Woman 3.1 in this release; you can expect
} that the new version will have about five days each month in which
} there will be some worry about General Protection Faults, for example.
}
} User groups and large corporations will need to sign non-disclosure
} agreements in order to try pre-release versions of Woman 95. Upgrade
} orders must include the first page of the manual from a previous
} version. Toll-free telephone assistance not available with this
} product. Site license allows one user only. Performance claims may
} vary. Not compatible with some output stream devices.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as <an53711@anon.penet.fi>) the Woman
} 1.0 pre-release beta, just as she is.


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