} Well then Professor (I call you such out of respect -- I know the
} breadth of your knowledge and your extensive training), I could easily
} guide you out of your predicament -- but let's face it, you don't
} really need my help. You built a radio out of coconut shells, you
} built a geiger counter out of pebbles and half a coconut cream pie --
} you *obviously* could build a boat if you felt like it.
} Therefore, you subconsciously have decided that you do not wish to
} leave. Why is this, you no doubt wonder.
} It is, of course, simple. You have, on that island, the perfect
} experimental laboratory with which to study behavioral modifications,
} with an eye on perfecting the breed.
} Think about this for a moment. You have six personalities, all
} effectively in conflict. They will accept anything you tell them as
} natural law. Add a high level of sexual repression centering on the
} Farm Girl's revulsions, the actress's disgust centering on the many
} pornographic films she made to pay her rent on time, the Millionaire's
} impotence and the effect it has on his wife, and the closeted
} homosexual relationship between the skipper and first mate. Of all of
} them, you alone project an unattainable air. A feeling of calm reason.
} With a minimum of effort, especially with the aid of suggestion,
} hypnosis, and adaquate use of the opium plants growing near the base of
} the volcano, you can create any number of situations that will force
} the six of them to work together to survive and prosper. Of course,
} you can guide them along the way by "convienently" remembering obscure
} scientific facts and trivia which will lead them in the correct
} direction. Imagine creating (through various stimulus techniques) a
} situation where a lost Japanese Sailor appears on the Island -- one
} from World War II. Ridiculous -- of course. But if you suggest it
} properly and create the conditions for consensual hallucination, your
} fellow castaways will see and hear him, and you will learn. Imagine
} convincing them that the volcano was about to erupt, or that the ring
} the first mate finds on the beach is actually "magic" and will grant
} his wishes.
} And -- when you are satisfied with the results -- you can quickly and
} easily eliminate them via a powerful neurotoxin which you can distill
} from the outer layers on the bamboo. Then you can fashion your boat,
} return to civilization, and claim the others were killed in natural
} catastrophies. And of course, you can then publish your theses,
} insuring your Nobel Prize, and advancing theories which will point out
} the essential (one might even say classical) comedy of Human Existence,
} and how it relates situationally.
} Of course, you must be very very careful. Should the group be rescued
} before you can destroy the test subjects, a brief description of their
} "adventures" will implicate you in the eyes of the neo-luddites who
} apportion grant money. Therefore, be especially careful that *none* of
} the group actually know who you are. If they ask you your name, tell
} them, casually, to call you "Professor." That will be safest.
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Russell Johnson's autograph.