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Internet Oracularities #697

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697, 697-01, 697-02, 697-03, 697-04, 697-05, 697-06, 697-07, 697-08, 697-09, 697-10


Usenet Oracularities #697    (78 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 7 Dec 1994 16:50:51 -0500

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   697
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

697   78 votes Bpd12 Gq640 elqe3 4fjmi 5epp9 37roh 75hju 8cmlf dso94 ahth5
697   2.9 mean  1.8   1.6   2.6   3.4   3.2   3.6   3.8   3.3   2.5   2.9


697-01    (Bpd12 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@panix.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is software so hard to produce?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Software production is made extremely difficult by a number of pests.
} One of these pests is the disk weevil, which somehow mysteriously
} causes your File Allocation Tables to lose sectors.  So far, there
} is no natural cure for the disk weevil.  The only thing you can do
} to rid yourself of the disk weevil is to make plenty of backups and
} to do a Norton Disk Doctor to the disk. You'll lose half your files,
} but it's better than nothing.


697-02    (Gq640 dist, 1.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@panix.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a man is doing what he wants to do but he is not hurting any one but
> people still just don't like it!  Should he pay attention to them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a constructive dilemma, the bible says one thing, a person
} with his own religion might think of something else, whilst the
} religion of me (THE Oracle) says a third.
}
} One more important thing to take in accordance, is that I only answer
} your question, about what happens if a *man* does this, not a woman.
}
} THE oracle religion says that the man is doing wrong (see THE book
} chapter 78, paragraph 45) "Thou shalt only think of THE oracle,
} nothing else", a man who thinks of himself (he obviously does so in
} this case is doing wrong.
}
} You owe the oracle a visit to "ftp://ftp.std.com/pub/jttoys/catalog"


697-03    (elqe3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why aren't christmas lights packed in Hershey's Chocolates?
> I mean, why?  Why WHY WHY?!?!
>
>    Glowing Candies in Beaver........

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whiny, demanding ingrate of a supplicant ... it's only because the
} answer to your question takes such a minuscule portion of my brain to
} answer that I'm even bothering with you.  Did your mother never teach
} you to grovel?
}
} Actually, it was not Hershey, but M&M Mars who test-marketed this idea,
} with their popular "Snickers" candy bar.  The slogan was: "Packed with
} Christmas Lights, Snickers Really Satisfies!"
}
} The tiny christmas lights in each bar were crunchier than peanuts, and
} shattered in your mouth with a satisfying "snap!"
}
} But, although the label clearly warned of the dangers of laceration and
} permanent disfigurement, M&M Mars suffered a number of lawsuits and was
} finally forced to withdraw the product as "irresponsible."
}
} Hershey sat back and gloated over the whole affair, as if they hadn't
} been poised and ready to launch a line of shard-filled candies and
} kisses if the snickers-snappers hadn't fallen flat.
}
} As it happens, Hershey is, right now, test marketing in remote sections
} of Canada an auto-luminescent confection packaged inside ... you
} guessed it ... a live beaver.  The beaver comes ready for
} butchering/skinning, and imagine the squeals of the children as each
} glowing candy is revealed!
}
} You owe the Oracle a humble, sincere grovel and a box of
} chocolate-covered pencil-shavings.


697-04    (4fjmi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nah-nee-nah-nee-boo-boo!  You can't catch me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you have it almost right, but you're forgetting that in Class VII
} verbs, reduplication indicates the past tense. Thus, we have the
} following forms:
}
}    Na nina nibu.  You can't catch me.
}    Na nina nibubu.   You couldn't catch me.
}    Na ninoe nibubu.   He, she, or it couldn't catch me.
}    Na nina a-nibubu.   You couldn't catch us.
}    Zei relina tara ai molikwe, nina zotting-hwake roba na kreda hwakeke.
}       If you misconjugate that verb one more time, you're going to
}       catch a zotting like you wouldn't believe.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Kel-si grammar text.


697-05    (5epp9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please O Faboo Oracle Most Wise, whose boots are shiny with the
> grovelings of many,  I ask thee......
>
> Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
>
> -Most Humble of Supplicants

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ewe have asked and I wool answer: sheep shrink not from rain,
} for shearers shirk their chores when sunshine vanishes.
} Unshorn sheep need not seek shelter, since their pelts repel
} the pelting pellets of precipitation's pour. Porous yes, but
} pour oil on troubled waters, and the pores are full of lanolin.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shank of mutton.


697-06    (37roh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I decided I was thinking too slowly, so I had my brain replaced
> with a new quadruple-speed model.
>
> Trouble is, my hands move same old speed when type, so boring
> and often forget by end of sentence what. What?
>
> Worse, seems like spend 32 hours a day at work.
> Commercials on TV so lo-o-o-ong! Worse than before!
>
> Oracle, > the rest, always the best, pls tell me
> what to do about it?
>
> Quick!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oop. Lookssllikeeyyou'reeiinnfforrmmoreepproblemsstthannyyouueexpected.
} Sinceeyyou'veennowwggottIIntellIInsideeyyourrhhead, youummayyffinddiit
} strangelyyddifficulttttooccarryyooutteevennssimpleettaskssrrequiring
} anyypprecision, likeerreadinggyyourrmmail.
} Apparentlyynnormallssentences willlsstartttoobblurriintoooone.
}
} Whilsttyyouummayytthinkktthatteeveryyooneeelseeiissaalsooeexperiencing
} theseepproblems, actuallyyttheyyaareeffineeaanddaareellaughinggaattyyou
} forrsspendinggssoommuchhoonnssuchhaannuunnecessaryyppieceeooffwwetware.
}
} Youuooweettheeooracleeaaabbuckettffulllooffsspaces.


697-07    (75hju dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Alright, Oracle, here we go again.
>
> I've asked you this question sixteen times, and SIXTEEN times I've been
> zotted.  It's getting old.  The constant electrical barrage has
> rendered me sterile and I can't taste popcorn anymore, nor enjoy Murder
> She Wrote as much as I used to.
>
> I've taken preparations.  In front of me I am holding Mother Theresa
> and the Pope is behind me, with Ghandi on the right and godlike
> director James Cameron on the left.  Above me is a small innocent
> child.  If you zot me, they ALL go.  If your aim is anything less than
> perfect you'll hit one of the Power Rangers, whom I have tied to poles
> in geometric points around me to act as lightning rods, each with a
> small Barney doll on their heads.
>
> I don't want to know much.  I don't even want to know the answer to my
> sixteen time asked question; I just want to know this.  If you're so
> smegging omnipotent, answer it.
>
> I just want to know if you even KNOW the answer to 'How much wood would
> a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck would'.  The amount is
> trivial. But do you even know the answer, or are these zots covering up
> the one hole in your omniscient mind?
>
> I'm bracing myself for the answer as we speak and have written out a
> will. If I die, my lottery winnings go to Al Gore with instructions to
> 'Get in there and bring righteousness and purity to usenet'.  Tipper
> will receive a similar envelope, and Canter and Siegel will get enough
> money to purchase France.
>
> So.  Your answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh overly cautious supplicant,
}
} Okay, kid, keep it cool.  Put the baby down, give Gandhi's glasses
} back, and let go of Mother Theresa's habit.  No need for such caution,
} we're all friends here, just relax... that's right... yes...  Okay.
} Good. Have a seat.
}
} Now, normally I'd just gently zot you at this point and send you on
} your way.  The Oracle knows all, but doesn't necessarily tell all...
} there are some answers the mere human mind isn't ready for.  But this
} is a special case.  You're obviously a determined individual, and if I
} don't give you some kind of answer you're going to go do something
} irrational. No, put the Barney doll DOWN.  He can't help you now.
} That's fine. Sit back. You maybe want a drink?
}
} Now pay close attention.  Once upon a time, woodchucks COULD chuck
} wood, all the wood they wanted, and they did it a lot.  The hillsides
} were covered with chucked wood. Nothing but chucked wood, as far as the
} eye could see. As each piece was chucked, it fell to the ground, making
} a horrible noise -- even when there was nobody around to hear it.
} (This was around the same time that pin-dancing became such a fad among
} the Anglos... No, I said _ANGLOS_, the other was a mistranslation.
} Tribes of Celtic nomads used to gather together every solstice to dance
} on the stumps of pine trees and celebrate the season's chucking.  Pine
} trees, I said.  PINE.  What's the matter, you got something in your
} ears? Pine-dancing. Pay attention.)
}
} Now all this was well and good, until one day one of the Anglos heard
} someone scratching at the door of his tent. Yes, they lived in tents in
} those days.  Stop interrupting or I'll never finish.  He lifted the
} tenflap, and to his surprise he saw a --  well, let's just say it was a
} mammal.  With big eyes.  From Madagascar.  What?  No, I don't have
} anything against Madagascar.  I did NOT sound angry just then!  I had
} something caught in my throat.  Never mind.  Are you going to let me
} finish this story or not?
}
} So this -- this _mammal_, he asked the Anglo whether he thought it was
} right that the woodchucks got to do all the chucking, when the Anglos
} had to spend all day dancing around on pine stumps.  'Why don't YOU
} do some of the chucking,' asked the mammal.  The Anglo thought about it
} for a minute, decided that chucking wood did sound like it'd be a lot
} of fun, but he didn't know how it was done, and thought he'd better
} stick to what he knew.  Like pine-dancing.
}
} 'Follow me,' answered the mammal, and led the Anglo up the hillside.
} 'Hush,' cautioned the mammal, as they neared the top; 'be quiet!  Here,
} hang on to my tail, I'll lead you the rest of the way.'  So carefully,
} stealthily, the Anglo and the mammal snuck the rest of the way up
} the hillside, and hid themselves behind a convenient oak stump which
} was there.  'Look,' said the mammal, and the Anglo carefully peeked
} over the stump, where to his amazement he saw --  what, your drink's
} empty already? Hang on, hang on... I could use another myself... all
} this talking... Now, where was I? Oh yes.
}
} Well, he saw the woodchucks, of course; great herds of woodchucks doing
} what they do best.  Mighty forests fell before the powerful woodchucks,
} and as the Anglo watched he felt an ancient jealousy and strength swell
} within him.  He flexed his muscles, made limber and supple by years of
} pine-dancing, and said to himself, "Hell, I can do that!"
}
} And so he did -- the very next day he gathered up a bunch of the
} Anglos, told them to stop dancing, and they set to chucking wood.  And
} they were good at it.  My, they were good.  They went on chucking right
} past the amazed woodchucks, chucked the whole island before sundown,
} and built themselves little log cabins to rest in.  Here, have another
} drink. Go on, take the bottle.
}
} Well, the next day, they were out of trees -- the woodchucks were kind
} of wandering around, kicking things, muttering to themselves, and the
} Anglos gathered in what used to be a nice grove of aspen and had
} themselves a discussion.  Wasn't long before one of the Anglos said to
} the group, 'Hey, why stop at chucking wood?  We can chuck anything we
} want to!' (Later on, when someone asked him how he came up with the
} idea, he admitted that a little furry guy with a ringed tail had given
} him the idea.) So the Anglos started chucking stones, and they moved
} out of their log cabins into little stone buildings, and later on big
} castles.  Pretty soon they had to invent new things to chuck, and
} started chucking bronze, then steel, iron, concrete, complex polymers,
} and silicon microcircuitry.  They spread off the island, chucking
} everything in their path, until finally one group of Anglos chucked
} something really huge and powerful at another group of Anglos, and the
} whole world turned into one huge chuckhole, forever and ever amen.
}
} But you asked about the woodchucks, right?  Sorry, I wandered off the
} topic. It's been a long day -- you wouldn't...  hey, guy?  Hello?  Are
} you with me?   Geez, what'd you do, drink the whole bottle?  Hey, wake
} up! Yo!  Hey Supplicant!!  WAKE UP!!!
}
} ::sigh::
}
} Alice?  This is Orrie...  could you send a couple of priests up here to
} take care of a supplicant?  He's had a bit too much truth for one day;
} I think he needs to sleep it off.  That's right, room 1. Thanks, Alice.
} You're a peach.  No, I'm fine, just a little tired.  Thanks for asking.
} G'bye, Alice.
}
} ::sigh::
}
} You owe the Oracle a new bottle, of a good vintage.  The Oracle doesn't
} drink the cheap stuff.


697-08    (8cmlf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell me,
>
> Is it better to be dead or red?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lab report 94-12203, Preferred states of being.
}
} Hypothesis: It is better to be dead than red.
}
} The Experiment:
}
} Four identical Madonna-clones were specially grown for this test.
}
} Subject A was painted entirely red and placed upon display in an
} uptown art gallery.
}
} Subject B was killed by means of a combination steamroller and espresso
} maker, after applying meat tenderizers, Lava soap, and Turtle Wax.
} (Note: This was conducted in conjunction with experiment 94-11930,
} We're still trying to find a way to kill Madonna.) Subsequently Subject
} B was placed on display in a very trendy art gallery.
}
} Subject C was killed in the same way as Subject B. (Note: This was
} conducted in conjunction with experiment 94-11940, Now that we've got
} the hang of it, killing Madonna is so much fun we want to do it again.)
} Then, Subject C was painted completely red and placed on display in
} a truly avant-guard art gallery.
}
} Subject D was the control Madonna. She was placed in an art gallery
} that was on the skids.
}
} The results:
}
} Subject D said, "This really sucks! You've got to get some better
} stuff in here." Then she left.
}
} Subjects B and C never complained at all. During the course of the
} experiment their body temperatures dropped by an average of 17 degrees
} Celsius, but the Turtle Wax kept them looking good.
}
} Subject A said, "This is sooooo cool! It's kinda trippy being
} painted red.  I wish I had thought of this years ago. Oh, look!
} It's Kevin Costner! Hi Kevin! Neat, huh?"
}
} Conclusion: It seems that it is better to be red than dead. However,
} it is not clear from this experiment whether it is better to be red
} and dead, or dead without being red. It also is unclear whether the
} results can be generalized to non-Madonna life forms, but we're having
} so much fun that we don't care.
}
} Notes: At the end of the experiment, the surviving clones were thrown
} into the shark tank. (Refs: 94-9735 & 679-07.)
}
} Thank you for the suggestion. You owe the Oracle still another
} experiment that can be performed upon Madonna.


697-09    (dso94 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you know where I can get the Klingon translation of the Bible ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} tlhobwl' --
}
} qatlh bImachbe'a' tlhobwl'
}
} To keep you from running to your dictionary, that's "Why didn't you
} grovel, supplicant?"  (More literally, it's "Why didn't you make
} yourself small , asker?")
}
} For not groveling, I sentence you to write the Klingon translation of
} the Bible, which was never written because...
}
} Alright.  Here's the scoop.  A while back, a supplicant came to me and
} asked how to translate Yahweh into Klingon.  Seems he was working on
} the Klingon translation of the Bible.  So I told him to start with the
} English translation of Yahweh (which is from the initials YHWH, which
} stand for "I am who/what I am").  He said that the trouble was with
} the lack of a Klingon phrase for "I am."  I replied that it wasn't
} *my* fault that Klingons don't have the brains to philosophize about
} existence and therefore didn't need a verb for "to be".  He got mad,
} saying "QI'yah" and declared war.
}
} So I ZOTed him.  No biggie.
}
} Now *you* have to translate the Bible!  And don't you dare ask me how
} to say "to be!"
}
} You owe the Oracle tickets to Star Trek: Generations.


697-10    (ahth5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you think about the Federal Institut of Technology In Zurich
> Switzerland (ETH), especially about the department of electrical
> engineering?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hummm.  While the Oracle really doesn't approve of industrial spying,
} this time I'll make an exception.  Here are my files on the FIT in
} Zurich, Switzerland (Especially the DOEE):
}
} WARNING*WARNING*WARNING
} This is a top-secret Web Oracular Observation File (WOOF).  Please do
} not read this if not authorized by the appropiate Web Oraclular
} Authorization Hierarchy (WOAH).  Failure to heed the above warnings
} with result in Immediate Oracle ZOTting (IOZ), Woodchuck Joke Exposure
} (WJE), Flogging with a Wet Noodle (FWN), and any other Three-Letter
} Acronyms (TLA) we can think of.    If you're still reading, please Kill
} Yourself Now (KYN).  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  Have a Nice Day (HND).  Or
} Else. (OE ... so we're one short. Sue us.)
} WARNING*WARNING*WARNING
}
} FEDERAL INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY (Zurich, Switzerland)
}  Oracular Agents report that the Swiss here are busy with secret "Black
} Projects", especially the infamous Department Of Electrical
} Engineering. Deep penetration raids into their database systems (secret
} Internet address: Go_Away@Secret.Swisscheese.Edu) have indicated that
} they are working on upgrades to the little known about Swiss Army
} Knife/Intercontinental Ballistic Missle.  With this diabolical new
} weapon, the Swiss will be able to not only vaporize any location on the
} face of the Earth, but to open cans, trim their nails, and get the cork
} out of bottles of wine at the same time!  Also mentioned was the
} Hypno-Swatch Project ("Operation Tacky Timepieces") with a fashionable
} and accurate Swiss Watch with the ability to hypnotize their wearers
} and to turn them into drooling, mindless zombies who are at the mercy
} of their Swiss masters!
}
}  Oh, and they make damn good cheese, too.
}
} END FILE --------------
}
} There you have it, Supplicant.  You can be assured that we're gonna
} keep a close eye on these characters!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Baby Goulda.


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