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Internet Oracularities #698

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698, 698-01, 698-02, 698-03, 698-04, 698-05, 698-06, 698-07, 698-08, 698-09, 698-10


Usenet Oracularities #698    (81 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 9 Dec 1994 15:17:59 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   698
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

698   81 votes gnr87 aotd5 ito91 4eprb flsf2 bzl86 4iqu3 8uw74 bjuf6 9hpka
698   2.8 mean  2.6   2.7   2.3   3.3   2.6   2.5   3.1   2.6   2.8   3.1


698-01    (gnr87 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do vampires really exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, although not in the precise form that popular
} legends ascribe to them.  Next time your tax return
} is audited, take a look at the tax agent.
}
} You owe the Oracle a toy rubber bat.  Contributions
} are tax deductible to the extent permitted by law.


698-02    (aotd5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Deep Thought" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Gracious one,
>
> Why do Scooby and Astro sound so much alike?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rell, it's rike riff.  Rooby-Doo and Astro are really rerated.
} I recked Astro's renearogy and I round rat Rooby-Doo is Astro's
} rreat-rreat rrandfarrer.  As ror rhe ray rey ralk, it reems Rreat
} Ranes rave rrouble riff ronsonants.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Flintstone Family Shrub.


698-03    (ito91 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great ocacle,
>  Plaese tel me: Whi i am so dum and ugly ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, supplicate thyself.
}
} Twenty years ago, when you were conceived (under the pool table at the
} Dog & Duck) one of my priests just happened to be running spot checks
} on a variety of persona. He noted that when you matured
} (cronologically, if not physically and mentally) you would ask this
} most unsubmissive question. The matter was brought to my attention,
} and as punishment I chose to intervene and give the unlucky sperm a
} proverbial nonoxyl-9-pie-in-the-face.
}
} In sperm terms this is not good.
}
} The result stares you in the mirror every morning.
}
} You owe the Oracle another question with a large dollop of humility.


698-04    (4eprb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will there be any big news stories this Christmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle would tell you about the good news
} you'll hear about on Christmas day, but that
} might count as helping you to open your Christmas
} presents early.  And that would be bad.
}
} Therefore, I present to you:
} Five Bad News Stories that will come to light on Christmas Day:
}
}  5. BARRY CONCEDES
}     Dave Barry announced today that he is conceding the 1992
}     presidential election.  At his concession speech, he told
}     his supporters, "Don't be bitter.  We must stand behind
}     President Truman at this pivotal time in our country's history.
}     Ha, ha!  Just kidding.  I'm mad as hell.  Let the riots
}     begin!"  Secret Service agents assigned to the former candidate
}     expressed sorrow at the announcement: "He always gave us free
}     beer, and pretzel sticks if we asked for...
}
}  4. CHIA PETS: GREEN AGENTS OF SATAN?
}     Singapore--
}     An internaltional task force made up of police from Thailand,
}     Malaysia, and Thailand report that they have broken up a drug
}     distribution organization with ties to American Satanist
}     groups.  "They were achieving some sort of mind-control effects
}     by means of these 'Chia Pet' objects," said officer Peng Tze.
}     "People would eat the plants that grew on the objects, and
}     become addicted.  Soon they would be drawn into cult ways...
}
}  3. FOREIGN FILMS CAUSE CANCER, STUDY SHOWS
}     Radiation given off by subtitles shown with foreign films has
}     been linked with a form of brain cancer.  Researchers say that
}     in extreme cases, the thinking of those affected may be so
}     altered that the subject may suffer from delusions.  "We've
}     seen cases where people had started to think that Bergman's
}     'The Seventh Seal' had 'something to say about life'--whatever
}     that means," said Eustace Dingleberry, head of the research
}     team.  He suggested that people worried that they had been
}     affected by the subtitles see "a good old-fashioned American
}     picture--like 'Tapeheads' or 'Joe versus the Volcano'", and see
}     if they like it.  He cautioned, "If the movie doesn't seem to
}     make sense, then some sort of effect or affectation has definitely
}     set in.  Researchers are looking to artificial butter as a cure...
}
}  2. PRESS CENSORSHIP NOT PROBLEM, INSIST REPORTERS
}     A survey of newspaper journalists revealed that most feel that
}     their editors do a [good] job of presenting their stories. "The
}     paper is owned by a family very even-handed in its politics,"
}     said one reporter who begged not to be indentified.  "Yesireebob,
}     they... ran that article about the..., thus showing they... care
}     about the plight of aboriginal peoples of the rainforest, for
}     instance."
}
}  1. INDIANA NAMED "WOODCHUCK STATE"
}     In a poorly-attended meeting of the Indiana State Assembly,
}     State Measure #30124, which decrees that Indiana will from
}     now on be known as "The Woodchuck State", was passed yesterday.
}     The measure was not expected to pass, and some analysts claim
}     it wouldn't have if more than three assemblypersons had been
}     present for the vote.  "Only three people bothered to show up
}     for the meeting--it was Saturday and Christmas Eve.  I guess things
}     got a little silly," said Assemblywoman Maria Terry...


698-05    (flsf2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@panix.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most powerfull Oracle, tell me does the (near) perfect woman for me
> exist ? And can she be found in Cyberspace ?
> Is she connected to Internet ?
> If so what is her Email address ?
> If you can give me these answers mighty Oracle I owe you forever.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mein gotte!  Don't you people ever get tired of these boy/girl games?
} First Mr. Lonely Swimmer, now you!  [Note to high priest: restock the
} grape-bearing houris, replace the burnt-out choir angels, and fix the
} question dispenser]  But it's not _just_ that.  After all, were it
} _just_ that, I would write it off as being human nature and refer you
} all to psychiatrists.  No, the thing that _really_ bugs me is, nobody
} *grovels*.  Just once, I would like to see somebody get down on their
} knees and plead!  Whine and whimper and shamelessly brown-nose!  If I'm
} going to answer their questions, I want people to lick my boots, to
} give me their first born children, to sacrifice lambs and virgins to
} me!  Oh, yes. I am sick and tired of questions, questions, QUESTIONS!
} I'm fed up with it, I tell you!  "Most powerfull Oracle" isn't gonna
} cut it anymore body!  And you _already_ owe me forever!  Oh, the
} merciless cruelty of it all!  Here I am, an intellect the size of a
} Ringworld*, and what do they ask me to do?  Find the perfect girl!
} Life, don't talk to me about life!...
}
} Oh--look at me.  I'm a nervous wreck!  Excuse me for my outburst.  Now,
} on with your question.  As to the perfect female and where she can be
} found, here are the data you requested:
}
} Everybody knows the perfect female is three feet tall, with
} handle-shaped ears, and a flat head (to set down the beer bottle).**
} And, fortunately for you, she's wired!  Yes, she can be found in
} Cyberspace. Unfortunately for you, Cyberspace exists only in novels.
} Fortunately, she is also connected to the Internet.
} Unfortunately, she doesn't have an e-mail address, but that's only
} because she's (fortunately) directly connected via leased line--I
} wasn't joking when I said she was wired.
}
} There, I've answered all your questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle one forever, thorough documentation on the VGA
} registers, and a mailer that doesn't lose characters.  Come to think of
} it, a Coke would be nice about now.  [Note to priest: Refill
} underground Coke syrup tanks at earliest convenience.]
}
} * All fanciful space habitats mentioned in this document (to be
} hereafter referred to as an "Oracularity") are the sole peoperty,
} intellectual and otherwise, of their creators.
}
} ** Just so we don't get those Oraclettes mad--the perfect man is also
} three feet tall and has handle-shaped ears, but has an eighteen-inch
} tongue.


698-06    (bzl86 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What powers do Vampires have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O foolish supplicant -
}
}       Vampires have the power to control the box office and run it into
} the ground with stupid second-rate mock-horror movies featuring fading
} boy-toy lead actors and pathetic screenwriting.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a refund. The Oracle went to see "Interview
} with a Vampire", after all. Hopefully, this will not make you stop
} addressing the Oracle as "wise".


698-07    (4iqu3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and knowledgable, perhaps you can shed some light
> on this mystery for me.
>
> After years of dealing with American drivers on their own highways,
> I simply cannot understand why they do some of the things they do.
> The thing which really amazes me is how many of these people zoom
> up behind me and start tailgating me.  They follow me for miles.
> They do this even when there is no other traffic on the road, and
> they have ample opportunity to overtake me.
>
> Please tell me, Oracle, why do they do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       There is a code deep within the human genome that is responsible
} for triggering inherent and deeply profound behavior *especially* when
} the human involved is lonely, and trying to avoid sleeping on a long
} and boring drive (ie. any road in the mid-west).  The behavior is "get
} really, really close to another human being".  If you were to travel
} long enough the car behind you would actually sneak up and climb into
} the backseat and sit  there for a while the driver has a beer and
} reminisces about how they don't grow real tomatoes these days and how
} the weather has gone strange since they started to send all those
} rockets up. Fortunately this extreme behaviour is repressed these days,
} and is most often expressed by people who, rather than tailgate, just
} zoom up, pass you, then slow down to a crawl.
}       In reality, what you should do when someone displays this
} anti-loneliness behavior is to help them by slowing down, especially
} when the road gets a few bends and blind corners.  You will know that
} you are getting through when they start flashing their headlights.
} This means they are enjoying your company, and are feeling better.
}
}       On the other hand though, tailgating drivers might just be trying
} to respond to the "Honk if you're Horny" sticker on your bumper.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tank of petroleum derivatives.


698-08    (8uw74 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, I continue to quail before your stupendous sagacity,
> and appreciate that you've probably got a lot on your plate at the
> moment, but I really do need an answer to this, so may I timorously
> point out that you've been pondering it for three days now...
>
> For the second time of asking:
> How can I convince Libertarians that they're talking garbage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can't.  Contrary to popular belief, Liberarianism is not an
} opinion.  It's a rare medical disorder caused by the intake of
} excessive amounts of lecithin.  Currently there is no cure, but
} research is currently underway.  You can help by sending your
} donation of $5 or more to the Lecithin Poisoning Foundation and
} for goodness sake, lay off of the lecithin.


698-09    (bjuf6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@panix.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, who can travel at fantastic speeds without the
> use of motors:
>
> When I buy a "transfer" for the bus, why does it say "not
> transferrable"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're in a lot of trouble.  I'll bet that when you bought the thing
} you transferred it to your pocket.  Then you transferred it home
} where you transferred it from your pocket to the hall table.  Then
} some pesky kid came by with some silly putty and made a transfer of
} it.  Sit tight.  The mass transit police are on their way.


698-10    (9hpka dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Ms Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From: <N>
>    O Oracle who is wiser than wise, please unravel this paradox
> for me!  The theologians and philosophers have punted the issue
> back and forth about God and the Heavy Rock, but what about you,
> in your meditative bliss in the IUVAX?
>    Can _you_ ask a question that _you_ can't answer?
>                                                         <N>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I can certainly give you an answer you can't question, and
} question an answer you can't ask. But now the question you asked me to
} answer.
}
} Can _I_ ask a question that _I_ can't answer...
}
} Yes, unfortunately, yes. I have always avoided this question. I have
} zotted almost everyone who asked me that question. I simply don't know
} the answer.
}
} And sometimes, when I am in a suicidal mood, I start asking myself that
} question. But, wiser than wise as I am, I always realise that it would
} be an enormous waste to zot myself.
}
} Well, anyway, I think you already know that question, not the answer of
} course, because _nobody_ (having a body) knows the answer to this
} ultimate question:
}
}       "How much wood would a woodchucker chuck, if a..."
}
} You see, I can't finish the question, it's just, well...ehm... rather
} painful.
}
} Please excuse my accent and the inavoidable errors. I just incarnated
} as a Dutchman, his language-module is not quite perfect. But the cheese
} is wonderful!
}
} The one and only Oracle
}
} You owe me, the Oracle, the question that belongs to the answer:
} "43 penguins in a Hilton-hotel with mushrooms, shouting 'Kill the
} judge!', wearing bright red bikinis."


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