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Internet Oracularities #699

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699, 699-01, 699-02, 699-03, 699-04, 699-05, 699-06, 699-07, 699-08, 699-09, 699-10


Usenet Oracularities #699    (87 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 1994 09:56:06 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   699
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

699   87 votes 49txc 7qC97 rku55 79jkw lqme4 3ihwh 7mAi4 5kujd qcajk 8lonb
699   3.0 mean  3.5   2.8   2.3   3.7   2.5   3.5   2.9   3.2   2.9   3.1


699-01    (49txc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many more undiscovered bugs are in the Intel Pentium processor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are are still several as yet undiscovered, or at least
} unrevealed:
}
} 1.)  The internal calendar bug:   Unknown to Intel, when the year 2000
} comes up February becomes a 30 day month.  This isn't too much of a
} problem for the average home user, but companies using the computer
} to plan orders, billing, and delivery of goods will find them selves
} in a world of hurt.
}
} 2.) The Pentium Pentagram Bug:  A small defect, really, and an
} accidental off-shoot of the calculating errors already known.
} Several little-known satanic cults will vanish over the next year,
} because they will no longer be able to type and distribute any of
} their rituals.  Whenever the number six hundred sixty-six is written
} out in numerical form in a word-processing application, the Pentium
} rounding error will cause the number to be rendered as 665, thus
} destroying any evil accompanying the thought.  With the evil spirits
} dispelled from their midst, the cultists will wander aimlessly off
} to become rutabaga farmers.
}
} 3.)  The CD Music Box Bug:   On extremely rare occasions, if you are
} using the Music Box  program to play a CD while you are competing
} with the computer in back-gammon the Pentium can become confused
} and start playing the music back-wards as well.  Sales of backmasked
} music will increase dramatically when word of Intel's problem reaches
} the music world.  Advertisers will pay to be backmasked onto already
} existing songs in order to boost sales.  In fact, Nike is already
} planning their campaign to go on Aerosmith's "Walk this Way" and a
} cradle manufacturer in Sussex has been reported to be considering
} Queen's "We Will Rock You"...
}
} 4.)  The Intel Intel-igence bug:  Not really an unplanned bug, but
} a bug more in the sense of wire-tapping or intelligence gathering.
} A "feature" included to detect users trying to ridicule their product.
} Whenever such activity is detected, the user's computer is locked
} into an infinite loo... locked into an infinite loo... locked into
} an infinite loo... locked into an infinite loo...


699-02    (7qC97 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is one and one two?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because two comes after one, and in the new scheme of things every
} number when added to itself produces the next number in the series.
} ( 2 + 2 == 3, and so forth ).
}
} The reason I have decreed this new numbering scheme is that it makes
} arithmetic remarkably difficult, and will greatly boost the sales of
} pocket calculators.
}
} I realize that you have no difficulty calculating in your head that
} ( 2 + 1 == 2 1/2 == 2.1 ), but when I ask you to determine the
} square root of 3 -- aha!
}
} Remember that the use of the old-style numbers, even as an
} intermediate stage in your calculations, is severely forbidden by
} Oracular Law (H.O. 532, section 3.14159, 3.1 December, year 2.1 of
} the Oracular Era ).
}
} Calculators can be obtained from your local Priest for a small sum.
} Better be quick, there will be quite a crowd queuing up for them
} when the deadline for conversion approaches.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bigger piece of the pi.


699-03    (rku55 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Betsy Zliman at Saint Louis University a Vergin or not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zounds! Zuch a zad ztory... of a zilly zo-and-zo azking perzonal
} queztionz what ain't hiz biznizz anywayz. Zay your prayerz, zlimeball!
} 3... 2... 1...
}
}     ZZZZZZ  ZZZZ  ZZZZZZ ZZ
}        ZZ  ZZ  ZZ   ZZ   ZZ
}       ZZ   ZZ  ZZ   ZZ   ZZ
}      ZZ    ZZ  ZZ   ZZ
}     ZZZZZZ  ZZZZ    ZZ   ZZ
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated az Zdenko Zliman, Becky'z father) an
} apology and a lifetime zupply of Zima (lightly chilled).


699-04    (79jkw dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@panix.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who is good friends with Norma Loquendi and Gloria
> Mundis,
>
> Last week I moved into a nice new apartment. Oh, how nice!
> I had a shiny new refrigerator in which to keep my collection of
> snowballs from last winter, a flowerbox in the window with
> blooming pansies, a hook on the wall to keep my car keys, and
> a hallway along which my puppy could run and chase a ball.
>
> This morning, as I was walking to the train station to go to work,
> several big trucks were pulling up, and I heard one of the neighbors
> remark "There goes the neighborhood."
>
> I thought nothing of it at the time.
>
> This evening when I came home from work, I discovered I was
> homeless. In fact, the whole block I lived on was gone!
> It seems I moved into a towaway zone....
>
> O Oracle, this is why I must ask you,
> where are my snows of yesteryear?
> and where have all my flowers gone?
> and where are my car keys?
> and where, oh where, has my little dog gone?
>
> --
> swright@otherside.ice

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Steven Spielberg has them at Amblin Studios.  He needs them for
} his latest movie.
}
}       Steve is working on the sequel for _Jurassic Park_.  Despite the
} success of the first one, it seems that the idyllic Isla Nublar wasn't
} familiar enough to audiences, so JP][(tm) will take place, in part, in
} a suburban neighborhood.  This is why he needed your neighborhood, as
} he destroyed the last such available neighborhood in _Poltergeist_.
}
}       The plot of the movie is reminiscent of the enormously successful
} Godzilla movies, except it will be done on a scale never before seen,
} and the reptiles will instead be attacking the U.S. instead of Tokyo.
} (Inside sources at Universal say this is at the firm request of
} Universal's parent company, Matsushita.  Something to do with "it's
} about $(JAPANESE_EXPLETIVE)ing time...")
}
}       Here are some highlights from the story outline, which I lifted
} from the Amblin computers (Steve may be a magnificent filmmaker, but he
} doesn't know jack about computer security).  The script is still a work
} in progress, and as such is provided devoid of any and all warranties
} against failure, merchantability, or fitness for a particular use.
}
} --------
}
}                       JURASSIC PARK II: THE UPGRADE
}
} INTERIOR DAY.  OPULENT MANSION LIBRARY.  DR. HAMMOND IS GOING OVER SOME
} DESIGNS BY PONS AND FLEISCHMANN.
}
}       "Doctor Hammond, there are reports of dinosaurs arriving on the
} shores of Florida."
}       "Impossible.  None of the dinosaurs I engineered were capable of
} swimming."
}       "It seems that the genetic merging with amphibians has allowed
} them to get around that limitation."
}       "Dammit, why does nature keep interfering with my designs?  Do
} the authorities know?"
}       "Well, not exactly.  INS seem to think they're Cuban refugees in
} ridiculous disguises, and discover slightly too late that they're
} wrong."
}       "Good, then there's still time.  Quick, send my grandchildren
} down to DisneyWorld."
}       "Won't that put them in danger?"
}       "Of course not.  I designed the dinosaurs to be mortally repelled
} by anyone with a similar DNA pattern to mine, so any member of my family
} is safe from them.  I've thought of everything."
}
} EXTERIOR DAY.  FLORIDA SWAMPS.  TWO MEN IN A ROWBOAT.
}
}       "Did you hear that, Clem?"
}       "Hear what, Jed?"
}       "That noise."
}       "Swamp's full of noises, Jed.  C'mon, let's get back 'fore it
} gets dark."
}
}       PULLS STARTER CORD ON OUTBOARD MOTOR.  MOTOR JAMS.
}
}       "The hell?  I just fixed this this morning."
}
}       CLEM REACHES UNDERWATER TO UNJAM PROPELLER.
}
}       "Careful, Clem, you might get your hand bit."
}       "C'mon, Jed, what could possibly happen?"
}
}       SHARK^H^H^H^H^HDINOSAUR BITES DOWN ON JED'S HAND.  JED IS PULLED
}       IN WATER.
}
}       "AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!  JED!  AAAGgrgl....."
}
}       JED IS PULLED BELOW THE WATER.  SILENCE.  A FEW BUBBLES RISE TO
}       THE SURFACE.  SILENCE.  SUDDENLY, AN OBJECT EXPLODES FROM THE
}       WATER.  A BLOODIED HUMAN SKELETON WEARING A SKOAL CAP LANDS IN
}       THE BOAT.  JED SCREAMS.
}
}       LONG SHOT OF BOAT IN WATER.  BOAT IS SUDDENLY SWALLOWED WHOLE BY
}       SHAR^H^H^H^HDINOSAUR.
}
} INTERIOR DAY.  SCHOOL CLASSROOM.  BIOLOGY CLASS.  SHOW-AND-TELL.
}
}       "And what did you bring to show us, Billy?"
}       "I found this really weird egg the other day."
}       "My, that is interesting.  Jenny, what did you bring?"
}
}       BILLY TAKES EGG TO BACK OF ROOM, PLACES IN INCUBATOR.  SETS ON
}       HIGH.
}
}       "My God, Jenny!  A skull?"
}       "Yep, with a Skoal cap on it, just like my daddy wears.  By the
} way, my mom says if any of you see him, tell him to come home.
}
}       THERE IS A LOUD CRASH FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM.  BILLY SCREAMS
}       IN AGONY.
}
}       "MY GOD!  WHAT'S THAT ON HIS FACE?"
}       "I'd swear it was an embryo female diloposaurus merged with
} amphibian genetic material."
}       "SHUT UP, WESLEY, AND GET THE PRINCIPAL!!"
}
} EXTERIOR DAY.  REMOTE ROAD.  RED CAR SPEEDS DOWN ROAD, STEAM ISSUING
} FORTH FROM THE OVERHEATING RADIATOR.  DENNIS WEAVER DRIVING.  IN CLOSE
} PURSUIT IS A LARGE BLACK 18-WHEELER, DRIVEN BY A VELOCIRAPTOR.  [Damn,
} those things are smart.]
}
} EXTERIOR DAY.  SAILING SHIP PERMANENTLY MOORED TO DOCK.  THE CAPTAIN
} HOLDS A SWORD, SEARCHING INTENTLY FOR AN UNSEEN OPPONENT.
}
}       "Smee, where is that Pan?"
}       "I could have sworn he went up the rigging, sir."
}
}       A MAN EMERGES ON TO THE BOOM OF THE MAIN SAIL.
}
}       "Or so it appeared.  Little did Smee know that I was just a
} holographic projection.  Oh no, my Duracells just went dead.
} BEEEYOooop! Don't you just hate when that happens?"  <voice change>
} "And now, right heeere on our shoe, a very rare guest indeed, give him
} a warm welcome, Mr. Hook!"
}       "What?"
}
}       A VELOCIRAPTOR EMERGES FROM THE CARGO HOLD.
}
}       "The crock!"
}
}       THE VELOCIRAPTOR DEVOURS THE CAPTAIN.
}
}       "If something's eating you, take time out; don't take it out on
} your kids..."
}
} EXTERIOR DAY.  DISNEYWORLD.  HAMMOND'S GRANDCHILDREN ARE ON THE
} AUTOPIA, ATTEMPTING TO OUTRUN A TRICERATOPS.
}
}       "Can't you make this thing go any faster?"
}       "Sorry, but this car runs on Windows-NT.  I don't know *that*."
}       "We're dead..."
}
} INTERIOR DAY.  LABORATORY.  DR. HAMMOND IS WORKING INTENTLY.
}
}       "Igor!  I've done it!"
}       "What, Newton recognized your handwriting?"
}       "No!  I've discovered what's gone wrong all this time.  I now
} know exactly why my designs keep falling apart."
}       "The Pentium bug?"
}       "That's part of it.  But more important, I know how to fix it.
} And it's so simple.  All we have to do is..."
}
}       *CRASH*  A T-REX BURSTS INTO THE LAB.  HAMMOND IS CLOSEST, AND IS
}       DEVOURED WHOLE.  A BUNSEN BURNER OVERTURNS, IGNITING HAMMOND'S
}       NOTES.  A BULK ERASER IS KNOCKED ACROSS THE ROOM, LANDING ON THE
}       STACK OF BACKUP TAPES.  MEETINGMAKER RECEIVES A NEW MEETING
}       PROPOSAL, AND THE MAC CRASHES, DESTROYING ALL WORK.
}
} EXTERIOR DAY.  NEVADA DESERT.  LONG SHOT OF COLLECTION OF DINOSAURS ALL
} IN ONE LARGE GROUP.  PAN DOWN TO REVEAL CONCRETE BUNKER.
}
}       "Four.  Three.  Two.  One."
}
}       NUCLEAR EXPLOSION.  ALL DINOSAURS ARE OBLITERATED.  A NEW ENGLAND
}       BEACHED WHALE DISPOSAL TEAM TAKES NOTES.
}
}       "Phew!  Glad that's over."
}       "Yeah.  Lucky thing someone was reading Hammond's Web page on
} dinosaur pheremones before his lab got wrecked."
}       "Yup.  Threw a few hundred gallons of it in the desert, and we
} couldn't keep 'em away."
}       "So.  Lunch?"
}
} EXTERIOR DAY.  BEACH ON THE ATLANTIC SEABOARD.  CAMERA LOWERS AND DOES
} SLOW CLOSEUP PAN ON FLOTSAM.  CAMERA COMES TO STOP.  HOLD FOR A MOMENT
} AS A CRACKED BARBASOL CAN WASHES UP INTO THE FRAME.
}
} --------
}
}       So there you have it.  I won't spoil the surprise involving your
} dog, your car, the keys, and the velociraptor.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a front row reat.


699-05    (lqme4 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Why did Intel call the Pentium, Pentium?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pentium, Pentagram... Well, I thought it was obvious, but then again,
} I'm omniscient.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Satanic Verses.


699-06    (3ihwh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since your wisdom is only surpassed by my wit, I need you to tell me...
>
> If I had a chicken, a moose, and a fox, and I had to lead a horse to
> water, could I teach an old dog to catch a pig in a poke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a very old logic problem.  You can't leave the chicken alone
} with the fox because the fox will eat the chicken.  You can't leave
} the chicken alone with the moose because the chicken will squawk
} and frighten the moose.  You can't leave the moose alone with the pig
} because the moose will step on the pig.  You can't leave the pig alone
} with the horse because the pig will gross the horse out with bad
} Lithuanian jokes. You can't leave the horse alone with the water
} because the horse will drink the water.  You can't leave the dog alone
} with the fox and the poke because the dog will poke the fox.
}
} First row across with the fox and the moose.  Tell the moose the fox
} is a chihuahua with AIDS.  Tell the fox the moose is a St. Bernard
} on steroids.  The two will eye each other suspiciously the whole time
} you are gone.
}
} Row back and tie the boat on the horse's back.  Send the horse across
} the river, first telling it that it's auditioning for a role in
} Kevin Costner's next Western.  When the horse is 2/3 the way across,
} get the dog's attention, point to the horse's rear, and shout
} "Sic 'em!"
}
} Now grab the chicken and the pig and stuff them in the poke along with
} a pound of rice and a quart of boiling water.  Begin wading across the
} river.  By the time you get to the other side you will have a
} delicious Cantonese entree.
}
} Oh, dear.  It seems that in the meantime a group of PETA activists
} have freed all the other animals, and are furiously denouncing your
} non-vegan dinner.  Empty the pig-and-chicken from the poke and
} replace them with the PETA activists.  Insert several heavy stones,
} tie, and throw into the deepest part of the current.
}
} Now sell your story to Oprah.
}
} You owe the Oracle a treatise on non-commutative functions.


699-07    (7mAi4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HOW can I send a posting to a news group using email?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy o boy.  What is happening with young people these days?  (Everyone
} is young compared to the mighty Oracle.)  No grovelling, no sacrifice,
} no offering of a pewter startrek chess set.
}
} And then I have to endure these no-brainer questions.  Listen up, this
} isn't the
} "I'm-a-silly-newbie-tee-hee-and-I-need-help-with-my-computer-hee-hee"
} channel.  The only good thing I can say is that at least it doesn't
} have to do with those damned woodchucks...(BTW, Lisa made an
} _excellent_ woodchuck shake for me last night.   It was a little hairy
} but it went down O.K.  Yummy!)
}
} So now I'm face with a bratty, snotty, whiny, indignatious worm of
} a supplicant before me with a below-my-intelligence question.  So what
} am I supposed to do?  I wonder if I _have_ to answer this question??
}
} (The mighty Oracle rumages around his cubicle and finds his contract.)
}
} Let's see...the party of the first party of the cousin of the second
} party, but only if the cousins are in West Virginia....yadda yadda
} yadda... no vacations....no holidays....no pay...work for the rest of
} my life...Boy, I must have really been drunk to sign up to this
} contract....
}
} (The Oracle continues to swear as he reads the contract.)
}
} Ah...here it is...let me condense it...
}
} The Oracle must answer any question posed, in any manner as the Oracle
} sees fit but must not answer the question with a question.  Questions
} not posed as questions can get queued, queried and quoted but not
} questioned.  The quixotic requester of such a queriless question can be
} subject to a quartet of quarlsome woodchucks of questionable lineage.
} Questions of a quarter-brained nature (aka, half-assed) must be
} answered but quickly and quietly so as to quash any quell of quizzical
} questions of such a quarter-brained quadrature.
}
} (The Oracle puts down the contract and prays so as to not black out
} from reading all those q's.)
}
} Hmmm...It seems Steve has been taking Sally Struthers' courses in home-
} lawyering.  I'm going to have to talk with Steve about his contract
} writing skills.
}
} All right, due to a legally binding contract, I must answer.  However,
} the contract is open to interpretation.  All it says is that I must
} answer your question in any manner I see fit.  Well, here it comes...
}
} <ZOT!>  <ZOT!>  <ZOT!>  <DOUBLE ZOT!>
}
} You owe the Oracle a quilly willy penguin, quick-set in quicksand, with
} a dash of quicksilver and a kiwi on top.


699-08    (5kujd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Planc's constant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seven.  Ed Planc, one of history's lesser known theorists was the first
} to develp a specific mathematical value for use in calculating days
} of the week.  (No one else had done this because it was incredibly
} obvious, but sometimes the really important discoveries are of
} obvious things...)  After publishing his article on the derivation of
} his constant (Calandar Analysis:  A Theory of the Number of Days in a
} Week), Planc was bombarded with criticism from other theorists of
} his time.  (Mainly asking if he didn't have anything better to do and
} how he could possibly have submitted such a stupid paper.)
} Unfortunately, most people agreed with this evaluation of his work.
} Planc eventually went insane trying to develop a constant to describe
} the number of days in a month.  (Ever wonder how we got that "count
} your knuckles" thing?  From a crazy man.)
}
} Don't confuse Planc with Planck, the German physicist who formulated
} the quantum theory.  Planck also developed a constant term, h, which
} had something to do with calculating energy emitted with any given
} level of radiation.  Planck's theories met with marginally better
} acceptance than Planc's.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Energizers for my ZOT gun...that dam bunny
} took off with them again.  (They keep going, and going, and
} going.....)


699-09    (qcajk dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh ardent Oracle, hear thy humble supplicant in this plea. My youngest
>  son asked me the other day, "Mom...why *did* the chicken cross the
>  road ?".
>
>  I didn't have the heart to feed him some neo-philosophy about "getting
>  to the other side...", so I wondered if you could furnish him with a
>  more intellectually satisfying answer. I don't wish to indoctrinate
>  him to a world full of stereotypes either, so would you please make
>  the answer non-(sexist/ageist/racist/religious/political/ethical/
>  moral/philosophical/stoical/hypocritical/sanctimonious/diminutive) and
>  above all, inconsiderable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because his dick was stuck in the other chicken.


699-10    (8lonb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are vampires?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Press Release:
}
} The Society of Nocturnal Blood Connoisseurs has deemed "vampire"
} to be a derogatory term and finds its use when referring to group
} members to be unacceptable.  According to Vlad, president of SNBC,
} the term "vampire" now brings to mind such disgusting and evil
} things as lawyers and politicians which causes the senseless
} persecution of society members.  From now on, blood-drinkers of
} all types are to be referred to as the "hemoglobically-addicted",
} the "photonically-challenged", or the "Christeophobic".


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