[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:31:25 GMT

Internet Oracularities #7

Goto:
7, 7-01, 7-02, 7-03, 7-04, 7-05, 7-06, 7-07, 7-08, 7-09, 7-10


Usenet Oracularities #7
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 10 Oct 89 21:53:02 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


7-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why does mud time out whenever it gets interesting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh brave and foolish one, you have been led down a strange and dark
} path. The way of mud is not for the likes of you. Only a high priest may
} deign to converse with mud, and no one but the gods involve themselves
} in the daily affairs of mud. The reason mud times out whenever it gets
} interesting is to keep your feeble mind from imploding with the pressure
} of so much Truth versus the negative pressure of Ignorance within your
} speck of a mind.
} The Oracle has sprechen.


7-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why is it that it is now five-thirty in the morning, and the
> last time I saw my bed was at nine yesterday morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are a few answers to this seemingly simple, though complexily
} phrased, question.
} One is that, through a momentary disturbance on the time-space continuum
} caused by a belch from Demogorgon, you were projected foreward through
} time, and thus have a few classes to make up.
} Another is that someone set your clock ahead. It's actually 10 pm, and
} time to sleep.
} A third possibility, contingent on not getting very much sleep, is that
} you misread the clock, which ACTUALLY says NINE thirty. Go to sleep.
} The fourth possibility, which any true disciple of the Oracle would have
} discarded without a thought, is that you didn't go to sleep. Since time,
} as a general rule, moves foreward, and at a constant rate, time
} progressed to 5:30. Fool.
} You owe the Oracle your right testicle for being such a ninny.
} The Oracle has spoken.


7-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are people who excel in something I have strived for always such
> nice people, thereby making it hard for me to hate them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What does this tell you?  You clearly were not intended to hate them.
}
} The correct way to deal with such people is to 'collect' them rather
} than compete with them.  By making them your friends, you convert them
} from the opposing team to your team, allowing you to take pleasure in
} their accomplishments rather than sorrow.
}
} You will also discover that the methods which they use to excel are not,
} in fact mysterious secrets, but techniques which can be acquired by
} sharing their presence.  Being in good company is a necessary compliment
} to being good yourself.
}
} Also take this as a lesson to remember to take pride in those things you
} do easily which others envy.  It is often the things we do without
} effort, that we forget to recognize as valuable.
}
} You owe the oracle a book by Proust.


7-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, tell me this.
> How might a gain the power of creation, and the power to alter the world
> around me?
> That is, powers beyond what the average mortal possesses.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle Speaks thusly:  Good question.  Hmmmm Let's take these one at
} a time.  Power of Creation:  Have a kid..  or build a crystal radio..
} your choice.  Power to Alter the world:  I assume you mean in a Big
} way..Anyone can alter the world a little.  Steal, and explode a
} thermonuclear device...preferably in a small, politically important and
} unstable country.  And finally..  Powers beyond what the average mortal
} possesses:  What do you care?  Your just an average mortal, and
} knowledge such as that is not for you.  Remember, the Oracle (and Mom)
} knows best.


7-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sagacious Oracle, please attend to my pitifully ephemeral verbiage,
> you whose nose I am not fit to pick,
> whose radiance lights the nooks and crannies of my soul with karmic
> margarine,
> whose lights are ALWAYS on,
> answer me this, if you would be so kind;
> what do you get when you cross a wombat with a turnip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Groveling one,
}
} I think you have been attending an institution of higher learning too
} long.  Your teachers have tought you very well in the art of groveling
} and kissing ass.  Especially for such trival questions.  I think it is
} time for you to move on to bigger and better things.  Get a real job and
} make some money kissing ass for big bucks.
}
} As any biologist knows, wombats are animals and turnips are vegtables.
} When the two are crossed, the vegetarians get very upset!!  If you don't
} belive me, find a vegetarian and invite on a backpacking trip.  Tell
} them you will provide all the food.  Then only pack meat for all the
} meals.  Don't pack any vegtables or fruit!!
}
} Make sure you select a nice long trail that dosen't come anywhere near a
} store.  Hike 20 miles into the woods and then tell the vegetarian that
} the menu for the trip is all meat.
}
} If you survive the rest of the trip, you can ask me another question.


7-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have a certain admirable Zen-like attitude that, nonetheless, annoys
} the HELL out of the Oracle.  Yet, I will deign an answer:
}   Take your right arm, and tuck it behind your back so that the hand is
} in your left armpit.  Unzip your pants and let your genitalia.  Put your
} left hand behind your head so that it rests on your right shoulder.  Now
} run around shouting "I GOT A NICE CUTTLEFISH FOR YOU!  POOLLLY PARROT!
} THIS....  IS AN EX-PARROT!" repeat forever.  Sooner or later, you'll run
} into something.  Something HARD.  And you'll fall.  Get back up and keep
} going.  (Preferably outside.  Preferably in the snow, or possibly a
} freezer.) Another possibility is that you'll get locked up.  Keep
} shouting, but mix in "I'm NOT Napolean!  I'm CAESAR!  Et TU, BRUUUTE!"
} (Roll the r's, and repeat the last until you get acquainted with a biker
} type who likes body cavity searches)
}   This is how you can become a true disciple of the Oracle.  (YOUR path,
} anyhow!) As you have asked, now and forever shall your soul be doomed to
} big fat hairy men who love to give molten lead enemas, unless you follow
} the method I have granted you.
} The Oracle has spoken.


7-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is cheesewhiz really made of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beware, frail mortal! You are attempting to delve into a secret that has
} killed many before you! You must tell NO ONE the answer to this, as the
} future of mankind will be forever changed if it leaks out.
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
} >The secret is: Cheesewhiz is the byproduct of an industrial process
} used to make Nectar of the Gods. Lacking a good dump to put it in, the
} Gods sent an adman to get rid of the stuff here. Unfortunately, eating
} Cheezewhiz causes severe karmic degeneration, and eventual loss of the
} soul. And combined with Coke, the consequences could be DIRE! <Legend
} has it that overinulgence of spam, Coke, Cheezewhiz, and Ring Dings
} shall bring about the Anti-Christ, who shall lead the world into a time
} of great woe.> BEWARE!
} The Oracle has spoken.


7-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have been dating this person for about a year now.  How can I find out
> if I really love her ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my son, this is a very simple question. There is but one way to
} determine this. But BEWARE! There are some things MAN WAS NOT MEANT TO
} KNOW!!
}   To determine if you love her, imagine all her most minor faults
} magnified. As horrifying as this may be, there is yet one more step.
} Imagine........................................... being married to
} ............................ HER MOTHER!!
}
}   If you survive this, you are strong indeed. This is a test not many
} can pass, and those who do think long and hard about the irony of life.
}
} The Oracle has spoken.


7-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do I do about the green martians?  The red ones I can deal with,
> you hit them on the nose with a dart or and rubber band and they
> disintegrate.  But the green ones have no noses and there seem to be
> a lot more of them this year.  Please answer quickly, I am nearly out
> of acetone and I'm afraid to open my closet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the green martians ARE much more difficult. You see, this is all a
} test of your karmic energy, and of the hallucinigenic nature of certain
} substances.
}   The method of disintigrating ALL martians is SURPRISE! Being hit by a
} rubber band or dart in the nose is enough to startle most martians into
} forgetting to hold themselves together.
}   Popping a paper bag, a balloon, or one of those loud horns they have
} at games should do the trick.
} You owe the Oracle two green heebie-jeebies and a basselope spleen.
} The Oracle has sprechen.


7-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One of my nasal hairs extends right down to my chin. Is this a record ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.
}
} The Oracle has spoken.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org