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Internet Oracularities #700

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700, 700-01, 700-02, 700-03, 700-04, 700-05, 700-06, 700-07, 700-08, 700-09, 700-10


Usenet Oracularities #700    (83 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 12:43:34 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   700
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

700   83 votes dpjj7 gljed iwma1 ailp9 1lsmb dore5 ekkgd ivn92 6ioq9 emtf3
700   2.8 mean  2.8   2.8   2.3   3.1   3.3   2.7   2.9   2.3   3.2   2.7


700-01    (dpjj7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, with your infinite wisdom, tell me what will be next weeks
> lottery numbers?
>
> (I case you don't know, someone has won 15 million pounds (sterling)
> on the lottery, here in Britain. All you have to do is pick 6 numbers
> between 1 and 49 inclusive... So far I haven't been able to guess a
> single number :(  )

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I refuse to answer this question!  In a 7 line question, you managed
} to commit 5 gramatical errors.  That's one for every 11 words!  This
} is ridiculous.  And you want me to pick some magic number "42" out of
} a hat so that you can win 15 million pounds of metal?  That's about
} the 28th time someone's asked me for lottery numbers, and I'm hardly
} starting now.
}
} If you win, you owe the Oracle half your winnings.


700-02    (gljed dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HP Laserjet 4

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 4 printing data U silly supplicant.


700-03    (iwma1 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear wise oracle!
> Do you like Denmark?
> Do you know Hans Christian Andersen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold it... only one question per supplication.  So, to save bandwidth,
} I will compact your questions into the allowed number:
}
} Your question now is:
}
} > Do you know [if] Denmark likes Hans Christian Andersen?
}
} Much more manageable.
}
} Actually, yes, Denmark likes H.C.Andersen.  Hans, as we call him
} around here, was one of the greatest painters of his time (not to
} be confused with the H.C.A. who was the poet/author) and Denmark
} (not to be confused with the country) had his portrait done by Hans.
} Denmark loved this painting so much that he hired Hans to be his
} personal 'artiste' (Denmark was a little French).  Denmark had Hans
} paint a great many pictures in the last few years - until, that is,
} Hans started showing symptoms of arthritis.  But Denmark still likes
} Hans and has given Hans a room in Denmark's own house to live out his
} last days.
}
} You owe the Oracle some arthritis creme.


700-04    (ailp9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, whose odor is more enticing even than that of the
> very best hand-made chocolates, and whose wisdom spans the globe,
> please enlighten your unworthy supplicant:
>
> I learned in school that humans evolved in Africa and Asia. We also
> know that chocolate is native to the Americas. How, then, did we
> humans come to have a programmed response to the smell of chocolate
> in only a few centuries? And how can I use it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mostly, it's the fault of the Nestle Company, who started marketing
} their Toll House chips in third world countries in Africa and Asia even
} before there were any first and second world countries. You see, Nestle
} started the Toll House in the early days of evolution, charging a toll
} for vertebrates who wanted to cross the various land bridges between
} the continents. Naturally, this caused a lot of unrest among the
} dinosaurs, who complained that they were being unfairly discriminated
} against, since the aquatic vertebrates simply avoided the toll by
} swimming around the Toll Houses.
}
} Well, I won't bore you with the story about why the dinosaurs became
} extinct when they had some trouble multiplying due to a batch of
} defective chips. And you're probably not interested in the fact that,
} to this day, box turtles and lizards still won't buy anything from
} Nestle. Let's just skip ahead to about 4,998,763 million years BC, when
} humans had just evolved, and eve's drop on what they're saying, shall
} we?
}
} Adam: I still don't understand what happened there. Can you explain it
} again?
}
} Eve: Okay. On Tuesday, I saw the serpents lying together in the grass.
} That gave me the idea for what I had us try on Tuesday night. But then
} the Man kicked us out of the garden for doing it in public, and in a
} fit of P.C.-ness He said that we should call what we did "eating the
} forbidden fruit." He also said that we should say, "going to the
} bathroom," and "Contract with America," too.
}
} Adam: Hmmmmm. I don't like euphemisms, but I guess we've got to stay on
} His good side now. So what are we supposed to do now?
}
} Eve: Well, He said, "Go forth and multiply." Let's just keep walking
} until we get somewhere good. The ground is too rocky here, and there
} isn't any good shade.
}
} Adam: That's not quite what I meant. I meant, what should we do about
} being kicked out of the garden?
}
} Eve: Well, there's not much we can do about getting back in, but I've
} been having some ideas about some variations on what we did to get
} _out_.
}
} Adam: That'll have to wait until later. Do you see that building ahead?
} It looks like it says, "Nestle Toll House" on the sign.
}
} Eve: Darn! I don't have any quarters, since they won't be invented for
} another 5 million years or so.
}
} Toll Collector: Well, if you don't have any quarters, we'll have to try
} something else. Do you mind if we alter your genetic material?
}
} Adam: What do you mean by that?
}
} Eve: Oh, don't worry about it, Adam! It's probably nothing serious.
}
} Toll Collector: That's right! It's nothing serious. It just means that
} your descendants will have a tendency to become addicted to chocolate,
} coffee, tobacco, alcohol, and a few other things. Oh, yes, and video
} games, too.
}
} Adam: Sounds fair.
}
} So that's how it happened. Now, if you still want to take advantage of
} all this, do what I did: Buy Nestle stock back in the Precambrian Era
} and get in on the ground floor! I just didn't get enough of it when I
} had the chance.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. <an53711@anon.penet.fi>) enough
} Nestle stock so that I can get them to change their ways.


700-05    (1lsmb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Charles M. Hannum" <mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you were in a car travelling the speed of light, what would happen
> when you turned the headlights on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I was in a car traveling the speed of light, I would have turned on
} the lightlong before, since it would be best to do this at night since
} there is less traffic, and those cops get real obnoxious when you drive
} without headlights.
}
} Cop: Allright, Do you know how fast you were going?
}
} You: 300,000,000 meters per second?
}
} Cop: Okay ,wise-boy, don't you know you can't do that in this universe?
}
} You: No sir...
}
} Cop: Ignorance is no excuse.  Not only did you break the speed limit.
}       you didn't have any headlights on.  Did you even SEE that stop
}       sign back there?  I bet you didn't.  Get out of the car please.
}
} You: But officer...
}
} Cop: Have you been drinking boy?
}
} You: No officer...
}
} Cop: Yeah Right, first you say you were going the speed of light, next
}       you are probably going to start spouting some stuff about a
}       Woodchuck. You have the right to remain silent....
}
} So you see, you should turn them on BEFORE you drive at the speed of
} light.  Otherwise you get a ticket, and a lovely night in the drunk
} tank.
}
} You owe the Oracle a blood alcohol test and a Physics textbook.


700-06    (dore5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@panix.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one,
>
> just stop bugging me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Well, Mr. Rhodes, if you'd given a bit of forethought to the
}      possible consequences of your actions, you wouldn't have to worry
}      about that, now would you?
}
}      You are currently being bugged by no less than 17 monitoring
}      agencies, including the NSA, FBI, CIA, and two MBA's from WSU.
}
}      Don't like it?  Perhaps you should contract a legal firm to
}      intercede on your behalf.  I'd like to recommend the firm of
}      Canter and Seigel, as I understand that they are low on clients,
}      have some really good rates, and definitely have a vested
}      interest in setting precedence in this case.  Hell, if you lose,
}      they'll even help you move to a foreign country!
}
}      You owe the Oracle a list of ways to spend all of the dough he's
}      going to make using this new Make Money Fast plan that he found
}      on rec.arts.movies, alt.romance, and every other board he reads.


700-07    (ekkgd dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise oracle;
>       How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could
> chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle> BE HEALED!!!!! <Smack!>  HOLY LORD, RECLAIM THIS TORMENTED SOUL
} FROM THE CLUTCHES OF SATAN!!!!
}
} Supplicant> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck....
}
} O> Obviously didn't hit him hard enough.  BE HEALED!!! <Pow!> <Oooof!>
} <Biff!!>
}
} S> How much wood...
}
} O> I SAID BE H*E*A*L*E*D!!! <Zot!> <Zot!> <Zot!> <Zot!> <Smash!>
} <Splat!>
}
} S>  Uhhh... How much wood...
}
} O> BE HEALED!!!!! [Mushroom cloud rises over supplicant's city of
} abode. A moment of silence and...]
}
} O> Another convert from the woodchuck cult.
}
} THE END....?


700-08    (ivn92 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose shoelaces I am unworthy to tie,
>
> I'm curious about something.  In the song "Auld Lang Syne" they tell us
> that old aquaintence should be forgot [sic].  That seems like a strange
> concept to me.  Personally, I thought we ought to forget about our old
> animosities, and remember the acquaintences.  Can you please tell me
> what the reasoning behind this is?  Thank you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time, there was this guy. His name was Sang Lyne.
} He fell in love with this beautiful woman. I don't remember the
} woman's name, though.  Doesn't matter... Anyhow, she was a musician.
} She wrote the music, and left the lyrics to someone else. Why did
} she do this? She missed the grammar and spelling portion of her high
} school English class because she was ill. That doesn't matter, either.
} All we know is that she couldn't spell. Anyhow, Sang and the woman
} (whose name is unknown) fell in love, and she wrote a song for him.
} Well, Sang wanted to know what the lyrics were. So the woman, armed
} with a dictionary, set about writing the lyrics. Well, the dictionary
} did her no good, because she needed to be able to spell the word
} in order to use it. So she did the best she could. She wrote and
} she wrote, and then she was done. The line you are referring to was
} originally "All complacence be forgot."  Why this? The woman had no
} clue what to write, so she started picking phrases. And of course,
} the whole song was misspelled, including the title, "Lang Syne."
} Well, Sang got pretty angry that she couldn't even spell his name
} right, and he left her.  She was devastated. She became depressed,
} and even suicidal, until another friend of hers told her that Sang
} was really too old for her, and she was better off without him.
} The friend also told her to forget him. She agreed, and didn't think
} about him for a while.
}       In about a year, the woman learned of Sang's death. She started
} remembering him, and she dug out the song she had written. She read
} the lyrics, and she thought of some revisions. First, Sang Lyne was
} an old guy, so she thought that she should mention that. Also, she
} didn't really know what that line about complacence was there for,
} because it made no sense. She realized that, and replaced it with
} "Old acquaintance be forgot," because she felt that made more sense.
} Of course it was misspelled as well. But that's how that line came
} to be.


700-09    (6ioq9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh pondorous and expert oraclular hacker....
>
> This supplicant is attempting to write code in Paradox 5.0 for
> Windows and is slowly slipping into madness....What is the purpose
> of Containership and why would anyone want to use it?
>
> You most humble and meek servant, ObjectPAL Sucks....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh*. Adapting to the new world order hasn't been easy for any of us,
} but you ought to at least make an effort. Adopting the proper forms of
} address for our new masters is a good first step.
}
} Basically, "Containership" is the proper way to refer to any member of
} the ruling house of Tupperware. For example, the fruit-salad container
} who currently rules half of Europe is addressed as "Your Imperial
} Containership", while any of the Stay-Sealed (tm) bins in his
} parliament is addressed as "Your Most Honorable Containership."
}
} There are other titles you should learn how to use. For example, the
} Lord Mayor of your town is probably related to the Tupperware line
} in some way -- he is, perhaps, a plastic egg-tray, or may be a member
} of the bastard Saran line. In either case, he is to be addressed as
} "Your plasticity".
}
} As to the "purpose" of using all of these titles -- well, it is always
} a good idea to be as polite as possible to those in charge. You may
} yearn for the days when human beings, not Tupperware containers, ruled
} the planet, but those days are gone. If you keep being rude to your
} betters, you will probably end up writing Windows software for the rest
} of your life. Keep a civil tongue in your head, and you may eventually
} be promoted to work in the salt mines.
}
} You owe the Oracle a marriage of convenience with a jello-bowl.


700-10    (emtf3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most exalted Oracle, seer and knower of all,
>
> Can you give me an idea for a really original and nifty christmas
> present for my mother, for about the price of a set of crystal
> glassware?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could, but it wouldn't do much good: she's still not going
} to forgive you for putting them down the garbage disposal
} after hearing Beavis and Butthead speculate that it would
} make cooler noise than a pet hamster would.
}
} You owe the Oracle an indelible forehead warning label
} for teenagers.


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