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Internet Oracularities #701

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701, 701-01, 701-02, 701-03, 701-04, 701-05, 701-06, 701-07, 701-08, 701-09, 701-10


Usenet Oracularities #701    (58 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 1994 09:04:58 -0500

@@@ An article about the Oracle, entitled "SWAMI, HOW I LOVEYA
@@@ HOW I LOVEYA", appears in Larry Moffitt's THE ON RAMP column
@@@ of _The_Washington_Times_ this week.  Check it out online at
@@@ ftp://ftp.cs.indiana.edu/pub/oracle/onramp.

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   701
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

701   58 votes 7pi80 3jq91 1fgec 8ddh7 8i6fb 5gkc5 7fed9 7hgd5 6dgf8 hgb77
701   2.9 mean  2.5   2.8   3.4   3.0   3.1   2.9   3.0   2.9   3.1   2.5


701-01    (7pi80 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that you will often get a series of questions about a certain
> topic? For example, recently you have had a bunch of vampire questions,
> and even more recently there have been lots of questions about
> chocolate. Also, is this leading up to something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Questions about the same topic tend to come in at the same time because
} of the mass mind control currently being practiced in the basements of
} many "normal" American citizens in collaboration with the Communist
} Party and the Roman Catholic Church. Using a commodore 128, a paper
} clip, a Victrola, and everyday refrigerator magnets (ex: "My Child is
} an Honor Student at Eastern Poquadolini Community College") these
} individuals are able to control the ideas of much of the world's
} population.  The magnet is used to establish contact with the
} satellites in the Vatican City.  The computers in the Vatican City
} communicate information to Red China.
}
} During the night, AM radio waves transmit signals from Red China to the
} general populace of the United States.  Recent movies such as "Like
} Water for Chocolate" and "Interview with the Vampire" have fascinated
} many. Unconsciously, they began to transmit thoughts regarding vampires
} and chocolate.  A few poor souls wrote me asking questions.
}
} What this all leads up to is that this little secret proves the power
} of the media.  It also proves the commodore still has marketshare.


701-02    (3jq91 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <sound of Aurora softly playing>
>
> Oh great and mighty Oracle, who is omnipotent and omniscient, who is
> the most beautiful being in this general area of the universe, who ZOTs
> people like people crush annoying bugs, who can certainly answer this
> tiny little question, I grovel in thy magnificent sight...
>
> Please tell me, why in thy divine wisdom hast thou created the
> greenhouse-effect?
>
> Yours truly forever,
>
> A scared dutchman...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, let's get this straight:  it's not an effect.
} Transporters, phasers, light sabers -- those are effects.  Greenhouses
} don't have to be faked up by Industrial Light and Magic; they actually
} work.
}
} So, anyway, it's like this:  for all kinds of technical reasons, many
} plants have a short growing season, due to some way-too-fussy
} temperature requirements.  (No, I won't get into *that* now.  Send in
} another question if you're really interested.)  One winter day, the
} Oracle was sitting around and got an urge for strawberries.  Do you
} know what it's like to get strawberries in the middle of winter?  In
} Indiana?
}
} The Oracle looked into regular jet shipments from Southern California,
} but decided that the environmental toll was *way* out of line just for
} strawberries.  Caviar, maybe, but not strawberries.  Putting together a
} greenhouse seemed like a much more, you know, Green solution.
}
} Once the first greenhouse was set up, word got out, and now we have all
} kinds of plants growing at the wrong time of year.
}
} Next time around, I'll have roses peak in mid-February.  That'll get
} those florists back for their profiteering!
}
} You owe the Oracle a quart of strawberries, a magnum of Champagne, and
} twelve hours with Julia Roberts.


701-03    (1fgec dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O wise and truly wonderful Oracle...
>
> I have an opportunity to cheat on my wife with wonderful 18 year old.
> Should I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh*. I *know* losing at contract bridge can be frustrating, but
} cheating is not the answer. Particularly in this case. Let's review the
} bidding, shall we?
}
}        You      Your wife     Your 18-year-old niece    Omar Sharif
}
}      1 Spade     Double             2 Hearts               Pass
}      4 Hearts     Pass             4 No Trump              Pass
}
} It is at this point that your wife and Omar Sharif started making out
} on the coffee table, giving you the opportunity to cheat by signalling
} your partner what slam she should go for. Don't do it. Cheating at
} bridge is dishonest, unsportsmanlike, and in this case unnecessary.
} Your partner's bid, under the Blackwood Convention, requires you to
} respond by bidding 5 in one of the four suits, thereby indicating how
} many aces you have. Thus, you have the opportunity to convey the
} desired information perfectly legally and ethically.
}
} Now turn off the computer and get back to your game. Your wife and
} Mr. Sharif will be done any minute now, and you don't want them to get
} suspicious.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trusty manservant to do his bidding.


701-04    (8ddh7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Dear Oracle,
>      I hear you are the wisest of all, greatest of great. My question
> is this, there is a present under my Christmas tree that is wrapped
> and has my name on it, it says from Santa.
>  It is in a box 27"longx23"widex20"in height. It weighs 12.32 lbs. and
> rattles when I shake it.
> Please tell me what it is.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A baby with a rattle.


701-05    (8i6fb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, in this festive Christmas season sometimes the little
> players get overlooked.  Please tell me:
>
> Whatever happened to the 10th and 11th reindeer?  You know, Olive, who
> used to taunt Rudolph so much, and Rudolph's lover Thenow?
>
> Eh?
>
> You know, like in the song:
>
> "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names..."
> "Thenow the reindeer loved him..."
>
> Yours etc,
> Deeply Concerned.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well I can feel your concern. What happened was, one evening after a
} hard day leading that sleigh, Rudolph came home a little early. As he
} walked through the door, much to his surprise there was his beloved
} Thenow in the massive arms of Olive. Rudolph was shocked. Olive had his
} hand on Thenow's little puffy white tail while Thenow was stroking
} Olives rack. Well Rudolph stood there a few moments in shock and then
} finally said unbelievingly "What is going on here?", as if he couldn't
} tell. Thenow, being the little vixen she was, tried to get out of it,
} without any thought of Olive she said "Oh Rudolph thank Santa you're
} here, Olive came over looking for you and when I said you weren't here
} he said that I would do, barged in and started taking advantage of me".
} Now Olive was totally shocked because this was his little dear, the one
} who was only with Rudolph for his "bucks", but now she was turning her
} back on him to cover up for herself. Well he figured since this was how
} she really felt he might just as well tell Rudolph the truth. So in
} anger and frustration he screams "You lying tramp!! You invited me over
} just as you have for the past six months." Now Rudolph not knowing now
} who to believe ran straight at Olive, jumped on him and pinned him to
} the floor. Well by now that little nose was all aglow. As he held him
} there he asked Thenow who was telling the truth. By now Thenow is in
} tears trying to play out her little mascarade. She says whimpering "I
} am baby, dont you believe me. We've been together since that Christamas
} you led Santa's sleigh for the first time. Remember?" Well Rudolph
} finally got off of Olive and suprisingly helps him up. He looks at
} Thenow and says, "You know since day one I haven't trusted you. I just
} kept you around for a piece of tail. I've known all along about you and
} Olive. I was hoping that you would come to me and tell me about it, and
} if you did I would let everything else pass like water. But this was
} your last chance babe. Pack your things and get out." He turned to Olive
} and says "Wanna go get a drink?" Olive looks at him in surprise. Is
} this the same guy he always makes fun of? The one he laughs at and
} calls names? Well he doesn't seem as bad as I thought. He looks at
} Rudolph and says "I would've thought you'd be pissed at me" Rudolph
} says sadly "NO Olive, you just got caught up in the manipulations of a
} little doe with a nice tail. It wasn't your fault at all you just
} followed your instincts." So Olive and Rudolph walked out the door and
} as they did Rudolph turned to Thenow and said "Be gone when I get back.
} I think you better find another job too, because when the man finds out
} he is not gonna be to happy. Goobye my dear." And Rudolph leaves and
} quietly shuts the door. As Thenow sat there many things crossed her
} mind, 'Why did I do it? Rudolph was good to me and I had to go mess it
} up for a good buck.' Of all the thoughts that passed through her head
} only one seemed to be the answer. So she grabbed the pistol Rudolph
} always kept by the bed and got it ready. She wrote Rudolph a note
} apologizing and telling him she loved him but she made the mistake of a
} lifetime. Then she placed the note on her lap and placed the gun to her
} head and ended it all. Olive and Rudolph became good friends after
} that. Rudolph never was made fun of again.
}
} Well now you see why they don't tell this story often around the
} Christmas fire.


701-06    (5gkc5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you were in a car traveling at the speed of light and you blew
> your horn, would the other guy have time to get out of the way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, he didn't, and I'm really starting to get sick of people bringing
} this up.  I mean, sheesh, an can't an Oracle make one little mistake
} without everyone bringing it up all the time?  I was young then, it was
} a brand-new custom job from the new Italian dealership, I wanted to see
} how fast it could go.  How was I to know there was someone else out on
} the expressway?  Look, I did the community service.  I went to the
} classes.  I have paid my dues.  In some parts, you can still hear that
} horn blaring, and you mortals just can't drop it, can you?  You think
} you're soooooo funnyx
}
} You owe the Oracle a grape soda and a sincere apology.


701-07    (7fed9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@panix.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Powerful Oracle, who knows and sees all,
>
> My question is simple for a mind as great as yours:
>
> How many pickled peppers *DID* Peter Piper pick?
> (Or, as an alternative question: What question should I ask to get "You
> owe the oracle a flute and a codpiece."? That one is for a friend.)
>
> A querelous supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Oh curious one, the answer to your question changes with the
} season. At this time of year, the correct answer is 78. The All-Knowing
} Oracle will explain:
}
}      12 pickled peppers perking
}      11 pickled peppers pecking
}      10 pickled peppers pelting
}       9 pickled peppers pricking
}       8 pickled peppers parking
}       7 pickled peppers plucking
}       6 pickled peppers putting
}       5 pickled peppers packed
}       4 pickled peppers popped
}       3 pickled peppers pooped
}       2 pickled peppers plopped
}      and a pickled pepper in a pear tree.
}
}      You must repay the Oracle by leading a group of no less than five
} other persons in singing this answer.


701-08    (7hgd5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of wonderous knowledge.  Knower of all knowns.  Seer of all
> scenes.  Beholder of all bee-holds.  Please, oh gracious one, answer my
> humble plea.
>
> I was just informed by my parents that I am not their natural child.
> In fact, they are telling me that I am an alien, and they want me to
> put on these stupid blue tights, a blue shirt with a big "S" on it, a
> red cape, and wear red underwear over my tights.  Then they want me to
> fly around helping people in distress!
>
> Now my questions are:
>
>         1) Who in their right mind would go around wearing this @#*%?!
>
>         2) How am I ever going to get rich helping people all the time?
>
> and     3) How am I ever going to find someone like me?
>
> Thank you for your help,
>
>         CK - Smallville, KS

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear Calvin, if anyone should know who would wear that get-up, it
} would be a successful designer like you. IMO, however, it's the sort of
} innovation that would probably go over well in a spring collection in
} Rome--simple, flashy, with a certain je-ne-sais-quas about it. If
} you're not rich enough already, I'm sure you could charge a fortune for
} it.
}
} How are you ever going to find someone like you? Well, if you'd like I
} can get you Georgio Armani's phone number.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to feed Kate Moss.


701-09    (6dgf8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie:
>
> This new-age girl just left our staff, and I'm assigned to take over
> all of her programs. I was trying to debug this one section, but I
> can't figure out how it works. Can you Help me?
> .
> .
> ..bunch of weird stuff..
> .
> .
>   Sym *Sx;
>   Sx = add_token(TOKSTR(ident->) );
>   Sx->lnext = NULL;
>   list->record_kind = IDLISTREC;
>   SRIDLIST(list->) = Sx;
>   do_magic_spell("make this program work correctly\n");
>   Sx->lnext = iota[0];
>
> Love, GLORIA

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're asking about the "do_magic_spell" function, right?  That
} function is not one of the library functions specified by the
} ANSI/ISO C standard.  It is available on several platforms, but it
} requires special hardware if it's going to work correctly.
}
} If you're using an IBM PC (or clone), you need a SpellCaster Pro (TM)
} card, or compatible.  It must be the Pro version, with Pentacle
} processor and 32-bit magical energy portals, or you will get
} *very* odd results.  (Ask what "undefined behavior" means on
} comp.lang.c if you want some examples.)
}
} If you're on a Macintosh, you need the external CandyApple magical
} interface, with light wand.  It hooks up via AppleTalk, and has an
} additional telepathic communication channel.
}
} On Sun workstations (SunOS 4.1 or Solaris), you have to replace the
} CPU with a PowerSparc 5.  Unfortunately, Sun was using Pentiums to
} design this CPU, and so it doesn't quite work yet.  Expect to see a
} product announcement in the fourth quarter of 1995.
}
} On IBM MVS systems, all you need is somebody who *really* understands
} JCL.
}
} If you were wondering about the syntactic oddities in the program,
} I'm not going to tell you about that.  You'll have to grovel properly
} first.
}
} You owe the Oracle a crystal ball with an X.21 serial interface.


701-10    (hgb77 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I become a better person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Live a simple and blameless life, then ask me a question without
} grovelling, and you might get reincarnated as one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a report on the Afterlife.
}
} [<ZOT>]


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