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Internet Oracularities #704

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704, 704-01, 704-02, 704-03, 704-04, 704-05, 704-06, 704-07, 704-08, 704-09, 704-10


Usenet Oracularities #704    (85 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 8 Jan 1995 21:42:32 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   704
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

704   85 votes 3adqx 8ujj9 6jwk8 4fssa 6dzm9 chgpf 7yu86 kxfc5 3kwp5 cnrda
704   3.0 mean  3.9   2.9   3.1   3.3   3.2   3.2   2.7   2.4   3.1   2.8


704-01    (3adqx dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, wisest and most lecherous type,
>
> Why do Big cars make less noise?? My neighbour owns a tiny honda that
> would wake the dead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Cars are a lot like dogs. They follow the Dog Rule of Relative Size,
} to whit: Little dogs think they're big dogs (if you walk within sight
} of their yard, they will react like a highly trained German Shepard
} attack dog), and big dogs think they're little dogs (they want to sit
} on your lap).
}  So: little cars think they're big cars (the Honda with the sound
} problem in you mentioned in your letter thinks it's a big Camaro muscle
} car) and big cars think they're little cars (my 1974 Ford Galaxie 500
} thinks it's a tiny Yugo which, if there's the slightest change in the
} weather, thinks it needs at least 15 minutes of warming up before it
} will go more than 3 feet without the engine dying).
}  Other ways cars are like dogs:
}
} * They have bad breath.
} * If you park a new one in your living room, it may soil the carpet.
} * Some of the newer models have the charming dog-like habit of getting
}   and then alarmed at anyone who passes within 100 feet of their parking
}   space waking up everyone in the neighborhood at 2:00 am, until you
}   make it shut up.
} * People give them silly names.
} * Big ones require a lot of space.
} * Fancy, expensive purebreds are more tempermental.
} * If they make funny noises, it means there's trouble.
} * Other people's cars (but never your own) can be a nuisance.
} * They require a lot of attention and expensive maintenance. If you
}   don't give it to them, they will require even more expensive
}   maintenance.
} * You are held legally responsible for what they do.
} * They chase cars.
} * People talk to them even though they don't listen.
} * They have appeared in TV shows and movies in which they were more
}   intelligent and interesting than any of the humans involved.
} * You have to get a license to own one.
} * You can find out where they come from by looking at their tags.
} * Clothing looks silly on them (especially bras).
} * They come with their own internal heating systems that can keep you
}   warm in the winter.
} * There are a lot of blind people using them (your perspective only).
} * Sometimes fluid leakage is a problem.
} * Sentimentality can cause you to buy a lot of expensive toys for them.
} * They cost a lot to feed. (This varies according to breed and size.)
} * They have their own agendas that have nothing to do with yours.
}
} You owe the oracle one of those nodding-head dogs for its car's rear
} window.


704-02    (8ujj9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, please tell me...
>
> How did talking to one's child about sex and reproduction come to be
> termed talking about the "birds and bees?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was all in the hope that the children would have about as much
} sexual interest in each other that a bird has in a bee.


704-03    (6jwk8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the chemical composition of Dr. Pepper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The chemical composition of Dr. Pepper has been a closely
} guarded secret for many a year.
}
} Unfortunately, until Dr. Pepper himself passed away, there was
} nothing decisive that could be done to refute the rumors, and
} bring the truth into the light.
}
} According to the autopsy (file #2893x3a) the corpse, err, I mean
} subject, was found to be almost 95% water. The rest was a confusing
} jumble of iron, b vitamins, c vitamins, muscle, protein, bone,
} and red and white corpuscles.
}
} In fact, the autopsist herself was quite surprised that she was unable
} to distinguish Dr. Pepper's corpse from that of the corpse on the next
} table, by any significant factors.
}
} The Oracle is happy to finally put the rumors, and the corpse, to rest.
}
} You owe the Oracle a kick in the pants.


704-04    (4fssa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: engel@colossus.San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh, Mighty Oracle, please act as the Preparation H of wisdom and
> soothe the itching of my need for knowledge.
>
>   The other day, I saw an advertisement that had a McDonald's Egg
> McMuffin pictured sitting next to some jelly.  I didn't think jelly
> sounded like it would go well with egg, so I complained to the manager.
> He told me that the jelly was for people who removed the top of the
> McMuffin and ate it separately.  Now, what I want to know:
>
>   Why doesn't McDonald's give out jelly with their Big Macs, in case I
> want to eat the top of it separately, like I do with my McMuffin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                O R A C L E   I N D U S T R I E S,  I N C.
}                    ***A Subsidiary of Conhugeco, Inc.***
}                        McDonalds Fast Food Division
}
} Oddrie Kablonsky, Director of Public Relations
}
} January 6, 1995
}
} Dear Mr. Toth:
}
}       Thank you for your letter. I am very sorry to hear that you
} experienced less than satisfactory customer service at one of our
} McDonalds restaurants. Thank you for bringing this matter to our
} attention.
}       Frankly, I'm shocked. It is McDonalds' official policy to
} *always* give jelly out with hamburgers upon request. That you were
} refused this basic amenity indicates that we have serious customer
} service problems, which we are doing our best to rectify.
}       I brought this matter to the attention of Mr. Kroc, our
} president, and he was as shocked and dismayed as I was that this could
} happen in one of our restaurants. As a result of your letter, he has
} fired all the employees of the restaurant where you experienced this
} breach of service, and that particular branch will remain closed to the
} public until it is fumigated, and researchers discover the source of the
} problem. Mr. Kroc has also ordered all Restaurant Managers to take an
} emergency customer service course in jelly handling, which they will
} subsequently give to their employees. In addition, newly-hired
} McDonalds employees will have to pass a "jelly test" before they are
} allowed to go behind the counter and interact with customers.
}       It is our sincere hope that you never have this problem again in
} one of our restaurants. As a token of our regret for the inconvenience
} you have suffered, please accept the enclosed coupon for a free Shamrock
} Shake.
}       Thank you again for bringing this problem to our attention. It is
} only through feedback from customers such as yourself that we can
} continue to improve our customer service.
}       We appreciate your patronage and hope that you will remain a
} loyal customer.
}
}                                     Sincerely,
}
}                                     Oddrie Kablonsky
}                                     Director of Customer Relations
}
} OK/csh
}
} ========================================================================
}
} O>Oddrie:
} O>Send this bozo the "jelly letter".
} O>               Oracle
} Dear Mr. Toth:
}
}       Thank you for your letter. I am very sorry to hear that you had
} a less than satisfactory experience with the customer service at one of
} our McDonald's restaurants.


704-05    (6dzm9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I use the world wide web?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   *Sigh*. You bought it mail-order from a full-page ad in a tabloid,
} didn't you. We've been trying to get these clowns shut down for years.
} They're the same weasels who hyped a TV 'dish' antenna for $9.95 that
} in fact is an ordinary pair of rabbit ears. The trouble is, they give
} all the information in the ad needed for a reasonably intelligent
} person (which leaves out most Americans) to determine exactly what it
} is. That makes it rather difficult to prosecute them.
}
}   As you've no doubt taken your Web out of the box already, you are
} aware that it is no more than 30 kilometers across. It turns out it
} really IS 'nearly a picoparsec in diameter' as stated in the ad, which
} is barely enough to ensnare a small asteroid with any degree of
} success. As their press release denying any wrongdoing states:
}
}   "We didn't say WHICH world."
}
}   Anyway, if you want to make the most of it, you'll need a good-sized
} rocket to get it out past Mars where most of the asteroids are. You
} shouldn't need more than a good pocket calculator for proper placement;
} follow the instructions on the side of the box carefully, which are in
} Esperanto poorly translated from Korean. But the general procedure is:
}
}   1. Position the Web (closed) in the asteroid's orbit, preceding it by
} 100km.
}   2. Center the Web (still closed) with the WHITE dot pointing AWAY
} from the asteroid.
}   3. Open the Web.
}   4. Fire the main thruster to slow the Web slightly. It may be
} necessary to re-center periodically.
}   5. When the asteroid is within range, release the safety and fire the
} snare thrusters to surround the asteroid with the net. GET AWAY QUICKLY.
}   6. When everything has stabilized, use the main thruster to find a
} new orbit.
}   7. Enjoy your new 'world'!


704-06    (chgpf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm looking for some good onion rings. Do you have a good recipe, or do
> you know a good place to find some?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the recipe for making them was lost during the Second Age of
} Middle Earth, but the following ancient poem does tell where to
} find them:
}
}       Tree-rings for the Elven kings in the wood,
}       Napkin rings for the Dwarf-lords at a feast;
}       Herrings for fishermen (smoked are good),
}       Onion rings, with slaw and rare roast beast.
}       In the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie.
}
}         Onion rings to rule them all,
}         Onion rings to find them,
}         Onion rings to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
}         In the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie.
}
} You owe the Oracle a crowned rack of lembas.


704-07    (7yu86 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most magnificent Oracle: here, take these vivisected woodchucks
> as an offering to your truth-spewing maw.  I ask that in return
> you grant me a few fragments of your knowledge.
>
> I used to think that pigeons were constructed in factories, because
> a) they are typically found in urban areas, and
> b) I had never seen a baby pigeon.
>
> However, in one of my most thrilling adventures, I was able to
> scale the underside of a bridge and actually see some large
> ugly baby pigeons.
>
> My question is: what about busses?  I've never seen a baby one,
> so are they made in factories, or what?  And if the word "bus"
> comes from "omnibus" shouldn't its plural be "bi"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because I can sense a strong and vibrant determination in you to do
} something sadistic on a bus, should you not get an answer to this
} trivial matter, I shall enlighten you.
}
} The word bus does not derive from 'omnibus' as many followers of the
} language are led to believe.  When buses first came into use, it was a
} great boom to civilization due to the availability of such mass
} transit. Needless to say, the first few buses were overloaded with
} people standing in them, and as they slowly chugged down narrow
} streets, the less fortunate pedestrians couldn't help but notice the
} 'butts'.  Spite from these poorer people led to these vehicles being
} affectionately known as 'butts', but over time, the word and its
} origins became so nebulous that the vehicle is now known as a 'bus.
}
} Second, if you had looked a bit closer at the same underside of that
} bridge, you would have seen some baby buses there as well.  Maybe you
} should go back for another look.  Remember that all buses, baby buses
} in particular, enjoy a nice meal of grease every now and then, so be
} sure to grease up your hands really well while you scale the underside
} of that bridge.
}
} The Oracle has spoken.


704-08    (kxfc5 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Why is it funny to glue a quarter to the sidewalk and watch bums try
> to pick it up, but not funny to glue a bum to the sidewalk and throw
> quarters at him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This reminds me of a humorous anecdote that Alan Greenspan related to
} me over martinis one evening cruising over Milan in Air Force One.  It
} seems that shortly after Mr. Reagan took office, he gave a speech to
} the Coalition of Christian Charities in which he regaled them with a
} joke much like yours.  When asked by one of the liberal ministers in
} attendance, "How can you possibly find that funny?," the President
} smiled and said "Well, I didn't do it!"
}
} Your nose is too big.


704-09    (3kwp5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, what kind of magazines would members of the
> Enterprise crew read in the bathroom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, of course it depends on which cast you mean...
}
} The Oracle's favorite cast is that of the 2027 edition of ST:TVLGWPY
} (_Star Trek: The Very Last Generation, We Promise You_), but of
} course by that time nobody "read magazines" anymore.
}
} On the other hand, nobody ever went to the bathroom in Star Trek
} until the 1998 season, so I guess that narrows it down a bit.
} (Did you ever figure out which kind of alien was supposed to use
} those funny fixtures to the left of the Romulan pissoires?)
}
} Well, anyway, the choice of reading material was for the most part
} racially determined. The Ferenghi read _Business Week_, the Borg
} read _Popular Mechanics_, the Vulcans read _High Times_ (go figure),
} the Klingons read _Guns & Ammo_, and the Q, _GQ_.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete set of 2028 ST:SWL episodes.
} (That's _Star Trek: So We Lied_).


704-10    (cnrda dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I ever again find my lost love, Marjorie Malcolm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes! Yes, I'm here! My darling, I'm so glad that you've finally found
} me. After I ran away with the clerk at the 7-Eleven, I thought about
} you constantly. But we were on the run, and you have to understand that
} we didn't want to stay too long in one place. We would only be in town
} for a week or so before Brad would hit a bank and we had to leave for
} another state.
}
} But I got tired of life on the road, and so for the last six months
} I've been working as a secretary in the offices of a talent agency for
} male strippers. Well, I haven't been thinking about you _recently_, if
} you know what I mean, but --
}
} Hey! Wait a minute? Is this Todd? Or Frank? Brandon? Look, if you're
} Brandon, forget it. I thought I was writing to Todd.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Marjorie Malcolm) Todd's e-mail
} address.


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