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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, wisest and most lecherous type, > > Why do Big cars make less noise?? My neighbour owns a tiny honda that > would wake the dead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Cars are a lot like dogs. They follow the Dog Rule of Relative Size, } to whit: Little dogs think they're big dogs (if you walk within sight } of their yard, they will react like a highly trained German Shepard } attack dog), and big dogs think they're little dogs (they want to sit } on your lap). }  So: little cars think they're big cars (the Honda with the sound } problem in you mentioned in your letter thinks it's a big Camaro muscle } car) and big cars think they're little cars (my 1974 Ford Galaxie 500 } thinks it's a tiny Yugo which, if there's the slightest change in the } weather, thinks it needs at least 15 minutes of warming up before it } will go more than 3 feet without the engine dying). }  Other ways cars are like dogs: } } * They have bad breath. } * If you park a new one in your living room, it may soil the carpet. } * Some of the newer models have the charming dog-like habit of getting }   and then alarmed at anyone who passes within 100 feet of their parking }   space waking up everyone in the neighborhood at 2:00 am, until you }   make it shut up. } * People give them silly names. } * Big ones require a lot of space. } * Fancy, expensive purebreds are more tempermental. } * If they make funny noises, it means there's trouble. } * Other people's cars (but never your own) can be a nuisance. } * They require a lot of attention and expensive maintenance. If you }   don't give it to them, they will require even more expensive }   maintenance. } * You are held legally responsible for what they do. } * They chase cars. } * People talk to them even though they don't listen. } * They have appeared in TV shows and movies in which they were more }   intelligent and interesting than any of the humans involved. } * You have to get a license to own one. } * You can find out where they come from by looking at their tags. } * Clothing looks silly on them (especially bras). } * They come with their own internal heating systems that can keep you }   warm in the winter. } * There are a lot of blind people using them (your perspective only). } * Sometimes fluid leakage is a problem. } * Sentimentality can cause you to buy a lot of expensive toys for them. } * They cost a lot to feed. (This varies according to breed and size.) } * They have their own agendas that have nothing to do with yours. } } You owe the oracle one of those nodding-head dogs for its car's rear } window.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, please tell me... > > How did talking to one's child about sex and reproduction come to be > termed talking about the "birds and bees?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was all in the hope that the children would have about as much } sexual interest in each other that a bird has in a bee.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the chemical composition of Dr. Pepper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The chemical composition of Dr. Pepper has been a closely } guarded secret for many a year. } } Unfortunately, until Dr. Pepper himself passed away, there was } nothing decisive that could be done to refute the rumors, and } bring the truth into the light. } } According to the autopsy (file #2893x3a) the corpse, err, I mean } subject, was found to be almost 95% water. The rest was a confusing } jumble of iron, b vitamins, c vitamins, muscle, protein, bone, } and red and white corpuscles. } } In fact, the autopsist herself was quite surprised that she was unable } to distinguish Dr. Pepper's corpse from that of the corpse on the next } table, by any significant factors. } } The Oracle is happy to finally put the rumors, and the corpse, to rest. } } You owe the Oracle a kick in the pants.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh, Mighty Oracle, please act as the Preparation H of wisdom and > soothe the itching of my need for knowledge. > >   The other day, I saw an advertisement that had a McDonald's Egg > McMuffin pictured sitting next to some jelly.  I didn't think jelly > sounded like it would go well with egg, so I complained to the manager. > He told me that the jelly was for people who removed the top of the > McMuffin and ate it separately.  Now, what I want to know: > >   Why doesn't McDonald's give out jelly with their Big Macs, in case I > want to eat the top of it separately, like I do with my McMuffin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                O R A C L E   I N D U S T R I E S,  I N C. }                    ***A Subsidiary of Conhugeco, Inc.*** }                        McDonalds Fast Food Division } } Oddrie Kablonsky, Director of Public Relations } } January 6, 1995 } } Dear Mr. Toth: } }       Thank you for your letter. I am very sorry to hear that you } experienced less than satisfactory customer service at one of our } McDonalds restaurants. Thank you for bringing this matter to our } attention. }       Frankly, I'm shocked. It is McDonalds' official policy to } *always* give jelly out with hamburgers upon request. That you were } refused this basic amenity indicates that we have serious customer } service problems, which we are doing our best to rectify. }       I brought this matter to the attention of Mr. Kroc, our } president, and he was as shocked and dismayed as I was that this could } happen in one of our restaurants. As a result of your letter, he has } fired all the employees of the restaurant where you experienced this } breach of service, and that particular branch will remain closed to the } public until it is fumigated, and researchers discover the source of the } problem. Mr. Kroc has also ordered all Restaurant Managers to take an } emergency customer service course in jelly handling, which they will } subsequently give to their employees. In addition, newly-hired } McDonalds employees will have to pass a "jelly test" before they are } allowed to go behind the counter and interact with customers. }       It is our sincere hope that you never have this problem again in } one of our restaurants. As a token of our regret for the inconvenience } you have suffered, please accept the enclosed coupon for a free Shamrock } Shake. }       Thank you again for bringing this problem to our attention. It is } only through feedback from customers such as yourself that we can } continue to improve our customer service. }       We appreciate your patronage and hope that you will remain a } loyal customer. } }                                     Sincerely, } }                                     Oddrie Kablonsky }                                     Director of Customer Relations } } OK/csh } } ======================================================================== } } O>Oddrie: } O>Send this bozo the "jelly letter". } O>               Oracle } Dear Mr. Toth: } }       Thank you for your letter. I am very sorry to hear that you had } a less than satisfactory experience with the customer service at one of } our McDonald's restaurants.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I use the world wide web?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   *Sigh*. You bought it mail-order from a full-page ad in a tabloid, } didn't you. We've been trying to get these clowns shut down for years. } They're the same weasels who hyped a TV 'dish' antenna for $9.95 that } in fact is an ordinary pair of rabbit ears. The trouble is, they give } all the information in the ad needed for a reasonably intelligent } person (which leaves out most Americans) to determine exactly what it } is. That makes it rather difficult to prosecute them. } }   As you've no doubt taken your Web out of the box already, you are } aware that it is no more than 30 kilometers across. It turns out it } really IS 'nearly a picoparsec in diameter' as stated in the ad, which } is barely enough to ensnare a small asteroid with any degree of } success. As their press release denying any wrongdoing states: } }   "We didn't say WHICH world." } }   Anyway, if you want to make the most of it, you'll need a good-sized } rocket to get it out past Mars where most of the asteroids are. You } shouldn't need more than a good pocket calculator for proper placement; } follow the instructions on the side of the box carefully, which are in } Esperanto poorly translated from Korean. But the general procedure is: } }   1. Position the Web (closed) in the asteroid's orbit, preceding it by } 100km. }   2. Center the Web (still closed) with the WHITE dot pointing AWAY } from the asteroid. }   3. Open the Web. }   4. Fire the main thruster to slow the Web slightly. It may be } necessary to re-center periodically. }   5. When the asteroid is within range, release the safety and fire the } snare thrusters to surround the asteroid with the net. GET AWAY QUICKLY. }   6. When everything has stabilized, use the main thruster to find a } new orbit. }   7. Enjoy your new 'world'!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm looking for some good onion rings. Do you have a good recipe, or do > you know a good place to find some?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the recipe for making them was lost during the Second Age of } Middle Earth, but the following ancient poem does tell where to } find them: } }       Tree-rings for the Elven kings in the wood, }       Napkin rings for the Dwarf-lords at a feast; }       Herrings for fishermen (smoked are good), }       Onion rings, with slaw and rare roast beast. }       In the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie. } }         Onion rings to rule them all, }         Onion rings to find them, }         Onion rings to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. }         In the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie. } } You owe the Oracle a crowned rack of lembas.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most magnificent Oracle: here, take these vivisected woodchucks > as an offering to your truth-spewing maw.  I ask that in return > you grant me a few fragments of your knowledge. > > I used to think that pigeons were constructed in factories, because > a) they are typically found in urban areas, and > b) I had never seen a baby pigeon. > > However, in one of my most thrilling adventures, I was able to > scale the underside of a bridge and actually see some large > ugly baby pigeons. > > My question is: what about busses?  I've never seen a baby one, > so are they made in factories, or what?  And if the word "bus" > comes from "omnibus" shouldn't its plural be "bi"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because I can sense a strong and vibrant determination in you to do } something sadistic on a bus, should you not get an answer to this } trivial matter, I shall enlighten you. } } The word bus does not derive from 'omnibus' as many followers of the } language are led to believe.  When buses first came into use, it was a } great boom to civilization due to the availability of such mass } transit. Needless to say, the first few buses were overloaded with } people standing in them, and as they slowly chugged down narrow } streets, the less fortunate pedestrians couldn't help but notice the } 'butts'.  Spite from these poorer people led to these vehicles being } affectionately known as 'butts', but over time, the word and its } origins became so nebulous that the vehicle is now known as a 'bus. } } Second, if you had looked a bit closer at the same underside of that } bridge, you would have seen some baby buses there as well.  Maybe you } should go back for another look.  Remember that all buses, baby buses } in particular, enjoy a nice meal of grease every now and then, so be } sure to grease up your hands really well while you scale the underside } of that bridge. } } The Oracle has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Why is it funny to glue a quarter to the sidewalk and watch bums try > to pick it up, but not funny to glue a bum to the sidewalk and throw > quarters at him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This reminds me of a humorous anecdote that Alan Greenspan related to } me over martinis one evening cruising over Milan in Air Force One.  It } seems that shortly after Mr. Reagan took office, he gave a speech to } the Coalition of Christian Charities in which he regaled them with a } joke much like yours.  When asked by one of the liberal ministers in } attendance, "How can you possibly find that funny?," the President } smiled and said "Well, I didn't do it!" } } Your nose is too big.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, what kind of magazines would members of the > Enterprise crew read in the bathroom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, of course it depends on which cast you mean... } } The Oracle's favorite cast is that of the 2027 edition of ST:TVLGWPY } (_Star Trek: The Very Last Generation, We Promise You_), but of } course by that time nobody "read magazines" anymore. } } On the other hand, nobody ever went to the bathroom in Star Trek } until the 1998 season, so I guess that narrows it down a bit. } (Did you ever figure out which kind of alien was supposed to use } those funny fixtures to the left of the Romulan pissoires?) } } Well, anyway, the choice of reading material was for the most part } racially determined. The Ferenghi read _Business Week_, the Borg } read _Popular Mechanics_, the Vulcans read _High Times_ (go figure), } the Klingons read _Guns & Ammo_, and the Q, _GQ_. } } You owe the Oracle a complete set of 2028 ST:SWL episodes. } (That's _Star Trek: So We Lied_).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I ever again find my lost love, Marjorie Malcolm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes! Yes, I'm here! My darling, I'm so glad that you've finally found } me. After I ran away with the clerk at the 7-Eleven, I thought about } you constantly. But we were on the run, and you have to understand that } we didn't want to stay too long in one place. We would only be in town } for a week or so before Brad would hit a bank and we had to leave for } another state. } } But I got tired of life on the road, and so for the last six months } I've been working as a secretary in the offices of a talent agency for } male strippers. Well, I haven't been thinking about you _recently_, if } you know what I mean, but -- } } Hey! Wait a minute? Is this Todd? Or Frank? Brandon? Look, if you're } Brandon, forget it. I thought I was writing to Todd. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Marjorie Malcolm) Todd's e-mail } address.