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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that every girl I meet and want to be friends (or casual > dating partners) with falls madly in love with me and starts planning > our wedding, forcing me to dump them cruelly and mercilessly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I dunno, maybe it's your eyes...your wonderful, deep blue eyes, and } your charming personality, bubbling with life and love and OH HOW I } LOVE YOU I WANT TO MARRY YOU ON THE FIRST DAY OF THE FIRST MONTH OF THE } FIRST YEAR OF THE FIRS56345^%#*67432fhdsjf47$67356h } } CORE DUMPED CRUELLY AND MERCILESSLY } } You owe the Oracle the engagement ring.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, tell me why in heavens name didn't my car start > this morning ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the early seventies, the Psychology Department of the University of } Wagga Wagga ran a study called Driver Experiment in Automobile Denial. } The idea was to see whether car owners, when faced with an inoperative } vehicle, would seek alternative and less polluting means of transport, } such as walking or sharing a journey with someone else.  To carry out } the experiment, the cars of a number of subjects were fitted with a } device which would immobilise it on a random number of days during a } two-month period. } } The experiment was deemed a failure, because significant numbers of } subjects reacted by selling their vehicles and buying newer, bigger } cars.  However, the rights to the so-called "DEAD" device were bought } up by General Motors, who had them fitted to all new vehicles.  The } benefits of the shorter re-purchase cycle were soon seen by other } manufacturers, who produced their own similar systems.  Not content } with that, the manufacturers also paid garages to retro-fit the device } into older cars when serviced, in order to provoke more sales. } } So the reason your car didn't start was that it was in DEAD mode. } } You owe the Oracle a spark of intelligence.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a meeting tomorrow morning at work to discuss a mighty report > which I was to do this weekend, and have not (as yet) begun. What > should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, what you SHOULDN'T do is fall madly in love with your boss and } start planning your wedding, because he just wants to be friends (or } casual dating partners), and you'll be forcing him to dump you cruelly } and mercilessly. } } No, what you must do is feign illness.  Always worked for me in my } apprenticeship days when I had failed to write the weekly witty } response! } } You owe the Oracle an Apple Newton.  I have a report due tomorrow.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Exceedingly Wise One, try to bear with my ignorance and attempts to > get SOME SLEEP !! My problem is: Is the MS-WINDOWS Workstation 3.5 > capable in form, shape or way of using tape back up stations that > operate through the parallel port? I can not begin to tell you that > a solution to that problem will help tremedously - I thank you in > advance for just the mere directions to a solution of the problem :-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this is actually three separate questions: Whether it has this } capability in form, whether it has it in shape, or whether it has it } in way. } } *Formally* speaking, the MS-WINDOWS Workstation 3.5 is just one } manifestation of the Ur-MS-WINDOWS machine, which dwells in the } Platonic realm. Since the definition of an MS-WINDOWS entity is } "a featherless thing which constantly crashes," then, under the } Platonic notion of Forms, your Workstation not only does not have } this capability, it does not have *any* capability. } } *Shape*, on the other hand, is a purely physical notion. If we consider } only the shape aspect of things, your workstation can work with any } other piece of equipment that is not so large and awkward that the two } of them cannot coexist in the same universe. } } Finally, having considered the philosophical and physical aspects of } your problem, we go on to the mystical aspects. From the point of view } of the Way (or Tao), all action is done through nonaction. Thus, when } your Windows machine crashes, going into a state of nonaction, it } becomes capable of all things, including working with your backup } system. We thus see how the mystical reconciles the philosophical and } the physical. } } You owe the Oracle a Tao with a silencer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Oh good, Tonto, you finally made it!  Look, you've got to get me }     out of these ropes.  I tried sending Silver for help but it was no }     use. } }     Hmmm?  What happened?  Well, as I was riding, these Apaches }     ambushed me.  The chief said they were going to kill me, but before }     I died I could have three requests.  So naturally I asked to talk }     to Silver.  I whispered in his ear what I wanted and he flew off }     like a flash.  About an hour later, he came back with this really }     stacked blonde.  The chief liked that, so he let me borrow his }     teepee. } }     So after a great night, I asked to talk to Silver.  Silver again }     rode off, and this time he returned with a redhead.  Once again, }     the chief smiled, gave me his teepee, and I had a great night. } }     The next day, I asked to talk to Silver again, and spelled out what }     I wanted in a little more detail.  Silver this time returned with a }     stunning brunette.  I was pissed; I yelled at Silver, "Dammit, I }     said a posse!" } }     Anyway, now that you're here, will you get me off of this ant hill? } }     What? } }     No!  You can't lick the honey off of me; you know you'd have to }     grovel to do that, but you know how you hate that!  Hmph. } }     You owe the Oracle a silver bullet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Omost wise Oracle , please        O most wise Oracle, please >   pleaseplease  help me with my     please please help me with my >   problem.                          problem. > >   For some time now I have been     For some time now I have been >  obsessed  with stereograms.        obsessed with stereograms. >   I've gotten so good at            I've gotten so good at >   crossing myeyes  that I           crossing my eyes that I >   sometimes just stare up at        sometimes just stare up at >   the ceiling and fuse tiles        the ceiling and fuse tiles >   together to see if they have      together to see if they have >   anyhidden images .                any hidden images. > >   Unfortunately, now I seem to      Unfortunately, now I seem to >   be having trouble trouble         be having trouble trouble >   focusing onreal                   focusing on real >   three-dimensional objects.        three-dimensional objects. >   The real world seemsflat  and     The real world seems flat and >  dull , and I've been reading       dull, and I've been reading >  alt.3d  in a vain search for       alt.3d in a vain search for >  3-D .sig files .                   3-D .sig files. > >   Please,I beg of you , help me!    Please, I beg of you, help me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well done, Supplicant! Well done, supplicant! Well done, Supplier! } By watching everything By seeing everything   By examining everything } twice, you have found  2x, you have found     two times, you've found } a higher level of con- a higher plain of con- a higher lever of con- } sciousness. Now it is  sciousness. Now, it is sciousness. Presently,it's } time to progress even  time to go forth even  time to more on even } further. You have gone further. You've gone   farther. You have gone } beyond normal human    beyond regular human   past normal human } experience, and you    experience; and you    experience, & you } are now ready for the  are now set for the    are now prepared for the } REAL THREE-dimensional REAL 3-dimensional     ACTUAL THREE-dimensional } experience. Yes! Only  experience. OK! Only   experience. Indeed! Only } The Usenet Oracle (tm) some guy in a compulab some nerd w/ a phone bill } can offer you this     can grant you this     can give you this } unique experience -oh, once experience -oh,   one-time experience -oh, } and your local newspa- and your local maga-   and your local newspa- } per.                   zine.                   per. } } You owe the Oracle a   You owe Mr. Oracle a   The Oracle wants a } nice cut-n-paste tool, nice cut-n-paste tool, nice cut-n-paste tool, } and those nerdy card-  and those nerdy card-  and those nerdy card- } board green/red specs. board green/red specs. board green/red specs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tell about Your German speaking incarnation. > I have been unable to contact the <orakel@nessie.cs.id.ethz.ch>. There > is word going round, that nessie is down. > > How can it be? Nessie down? > > Can`t You jump in with a German speaking service? > > A desperate supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Och aye, wee supplicant.  Dinna ye ken, the Nessie service ha' been } taken oot o' action while yon scientists are searching for the wee } lassie.  We canna ha' yon eggheads leaving no secrets aboot the world, } noo, ken we?  Yon Nessie Service ha' been provided in th' past for the } Scottish Tourism Board, and under th' terms o' our contract with yon } Board, MacOracle Services must no confirm no deny the existence o' } Nessie through inaction until 2173 AD.  Thus, ma wee bairn, when yoo } say that Nessie is down, ye are correct and ye are no' correct at the } same time.  Nessie is no' down, Nessie is submerged. } } Ye owe the MacOracle four drams of fine single malt Scotch

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest oracle, I have this most perplexing problem: > > Last night I saw the film 'TimeCop' with Jean-Claude Van-Damme. I am > very confused about the plot. > > In the film he is fighting against a corrupt senator who is traveling > back through time in order to change the future. In the last action > scene of the film Jean Claude kills the baddie by making his past self > anihalite his futue self. The past time baddie was killed before he had > a chance to commit all his naughty crimes. > > Problems arise: > > If the bad guy died before he had a chance to commit any crimes then > most of the events portrayed in the film never occurd ( in the > imaginary film world ). > > Furthermore, if the events didnt take place then Jean Claude never went > back in time to save himself, his wife and kill the bad guy. > > Finaly, if the events never happend then he would also have erased his > own memory of what had happened. > > This film is full of inconsistancies. Can you please help me unravel > them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's all quite simple and you just about got it when you mentioned his } memories of what happened being erased. You see, Jean-Claude Van Damme } is now such an astonishingly popular movie star that no movie } production company can possibly afford his astronomical fee. Things } looked bad for fans of "The Muscles from Brussels" until one small } company had a rather bright idea. } } All they had to do was create a film where during the filming (and } preferably really near the end) Jean-Claude went back in time and made } the production of the film itself impossible. Therefore, since there } was no film, Jean-Claude could not collect his fee, and the film was } effectively made for free. This was achieved by casting the originator } of the idea himself as the baddie. } } And, there is also one particularly good side-effect of this method of } making films. Since there never was a 'TimeCop', there will never be } a 'TimeCop II'. } } You owe The Oracle scripts for 'TimePolicewoman', 'TimeLawyer', } 'TimeFather Christmas', 'TimeGump', 'TimeAerobics Instructor', } 'TimePostman', and 'TimeEx-Member of the Beatles who Died in Hamburg'.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and powerful Oracle, who often has lunch with Yahweh in > order to laugh at him when the old dribble glass trick works: > > If a tree in a forest falls on Newt Gingrich and no one is around to > hear him scream, what will middle-class tax rates do in relation to > Federal Reserve interest rates within the next two years?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Hmmm....  a most worthy question. } } I think I need to simulate this one on my computer... } } >LOOK } } You are in a large, dense forest. } } >LISTEN } } You can hear faint cries for help in the distance. } } >GO TO SOUND } } You are by a large fallen tree.  Pinned under the tree is Newt } Gingrich. } } >SAY HELLO } } "I'm under a tree, you idiot! Help me!", replies Newt. } } >SAY HOW? } } "You must deliver my tax plan to Washington so it can be passed!", says } Newt. He offers you a briefcase. } } >TAKE BRIEFCASE } } You now have a thin brown briefcase. } } >INVENTORY } } You are carrying: } A briefcase } A Swiss Army knife } Beef Jerky } A Honda Accord } A biology textbook } } >USE HONDA } } You are inside the Honda. } } >DRIVE TO WASHINGTON } } You have reached Washington.  A logging company lies to the west } } >DRIVE TO WASHINGTON DC } } You have reached Washington DC.  The capitol lies to the north. } The White House lies to the east. } } >DRIVE TO WHITE HOUSE } } You have reached the White House. } } >ENTER } } A Honda Accord can't fit in the White House! } } >PUT ACCORD AWAY } } The Honda Accord is stored on your person. } } >ENTER WHITE HOUSE } } You are inside the White House.  There is a staircase leading upstairs. } The Oval Office is to the West. } } >ENTER OVAL OFFICE } } You are inside the oval office.  A large man with grey hair is behind } the desk.  The President says "Can I help you?" } } >OPEN BRIEFCASE } } The briefcase is locked! } } >USE SWISS ARMY KNIFE } } Use on what? } } >BRIEFCASE } } The briefcase is now open.  It contains: } A budget bill } A stopwatch } A pornographic magazine } A computer mouse. } } >SAY I HAVE NEWT'S BILL } } "If you don't leave immediately, I'm calling security", the President } says. } } >DROP BEEF JERKY } } The President unwraps the Beef Jerky.  The President eats the Beef } Jerky. The President smiles.  The President says, "Just like mom's. Got } any more?" } } >DROP MAGAZINE } } The President sees the magazine.  The President reads the magazine. } The President nods approvingly. } } >HIT PRESIDENT WITH BOOK } } Where will you hit the President? } } >THE HEAD } } The President is now unconscious. } } >PLACE BRIEFCASE ON DESK } } The briefcase is on the Oval Office desk. } } >SIGN BILL } } You sign your name on the President's face. } } Security has just entered the room! } } You have been arrested. } Your score is 536 out of 12645 } } Oh well, guess that didn't work.  I suppose the answer is nothing. } Gridlock continues as normal. } } You owe the Oracle an audit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If nothing sticks to teflon, how does teflon stick to the pan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha, you forget the law of conservation of stickiness. In fact, all } objects have a total stickiness quotient of 1.0. Since the external } side of the teflon is not sticky at all, the other side of it must be } the stickiest substance known to mankind, and it sticks to the steel of } the pan like Madonna would stick to Norman Mailer if she had half a } chance. } } You owe The Oracle something, ANYTHING, that will get my fingers free } from this testtube.